We have been asked not to come to the family Christmas due to SDs being "uncomfortable"
And SD22 excluded me on her dad's invitation to her wedding. The big irony here is that Dad AND I gave her 5000$ We almost did not do so, because she posted on my facebook wall on my birthday that just because I have their last name, I am not family. I decided to follow my promise of money. She has been MUCH too busy to come visit or have dinner out with us but suddenly when DH told her had money give her, poof, there is, awkwardly demanding check. I would have thought that I would be included in the invitation. My DH called to inquire as to why it was written that way and SD said she didn't want people to be uncomfortable since SD mom would be there. She wants bother parents to walk her down the aisle, and while I understand that having steps at events is often awkward. But most folks manage it anyway. The timing on the "I need that check" and the "your family is not invited to Christmas at the lake because SD 17 would throw a fit and DH's siblings don't want to deal with DH or more officially, me. SD17 has well and truly poisoned the well, with her lies about why she had to leave our home (found weed in her room, said she wanted the baby I was carrying to die, attacking my daughter from behind _ it took two grown men to restrain her.).
When the entire family takes up the flag of one child's, and does not reinforce mom and dad's rules, it is clear it will end in disaster.
I would appreciate some tips on how to disengagement, and fresh eyes on the situation would be helpul.
OMG, what evil people these
OMG, what evil people these girls are! I have no good advice on disengagement other than cold turkey, cut them out, pretend they are dead.
OMg...see, this is why I want
OMg...see, this is why I want out....crap like this never seems to end and my SD is just 7. Honey, I feel for you and while I cant really offer any sound advice because I havent been there, if I were you, I would feel that my sweet ol DH shouldnt attend if I couldnt. He should take a bigger stand and let the SD know that. After all, you are suppose to come first.
I just recently got a
I just recently got a scathing bit of "truth" from my SD37 about how she never liked me, the house wasn't mine, I've always treated them like shit, etc. I am no longer welcome in her home - - YIPPEEEE!!!! So Christmas for me will be so much simpler than going there, listening to her two awful kids fight, fart, etc. and get a dollar store calendar and have to feign both surprise and delight, just itching to get the hell our of there. I wrote-off both the SKids in 2005 when my father died and neither one saw fit to say a single word to me about it, no "sorry to hear about your Dad", nothing. Imagine the hate they must feel for me to be so cold? Anyway, that's the past.
The truth is: I don't want to do anything now for either SKid, their children, nothing. No more events to go to, no more presents to buy or cards to search for to get just the right one. I'm done. I think for a long time, I felt guilty not being more engaged with my husband's children, but I could always sense they didn't like me so I stayed far enough away to be comfortable.
Disengagement is something I'm working on, daily, since this incident that set things out in plain sight. I try not to say anything about either of SKids to my husband and not think about how much I've actually done for them over the past 15 years. What's done is done and my husband and I have a wonderful life outside of the SKids and always have. From what I've read in this forum, it's a process, this disengagement, and it takes repetition and patience with your self.
Best advice yet, its a
Best advice yet, its a process. My SD27 hates me with a passion, I have been disengaged since May. She also has a 5 year old son who I haven't seen since May, I guess you could say he is "guilty by association". But most of our fighting stemmed from me not having much to do with him, his whole life. And since I am no longer having any thing to do with either one her dear ole Dad has stepped up to the plate and given her more of the attention she so much wanted, and she should of been yelling at him all along but was taking it out on me instead. I hate it that we can not be a family and celebrate together, but I now longer dread the holidays, so it has worked so far. Hang in there it will work out in the end.
She is uncomfortable because
She is uncomfortable because every time SD 17 has to be near me, she hateful. SD 17 is maid of honor. BOTH of these girls posted on Facebook, to me, that just because we have the same last name doesn't make you family. DH's sister liked that status.
As a side note, DM will attend also - and the lovely bride and groom are holding their wedding in a brewery. DM just got out of rehab two weeks ago. I never speak to her viciously, just routine socially normal "how are you?"
He will be rolling in his
He will be rolling in his grave. God knows I would be.
Catmom2, Your DH needs to
Catmom2, Your DH needs to talk to my DH and that might help lol. Our SD has been out of the picture since June too. ONLY DH after 4 years of hell decided he had enough and is withholding her 5k that we promised our SDs as part of college money. Our SD19 claims she wants it and is entitled to it...HOWEVER DH pointed out in the will to me (not her, he just told her he doesn't have it and she of course says we went and spent it), anyways he pointed out in the CO to me that the money was to be used for college or weddings and guess what she is doing neither. I was the one who wanted to at first give it to her due to her having a baby and my DH said no way. He said IF she changes and I mean really changes, gets fully away from drugs, attitude adjustment (which hope the baby will do this for her) then he said he MIGHT give the money to her. Its different, I have never seen my husband be such a hard ass (seriously most loving father I have ever met, its what attracted me to him, he was raising two daughters on his own..I know crazy of me) and when he saw her choose the drug life and wreck our family, almost cause us to divorce, the pain our together daughters and his oldest daughter went through he disengaged.
My SD22 is not the brightest
My SD22 is not the brightest bulb in the box but she is not so ignorant as to exclude me from anything. I think my husband would laugh at her if she tried.
As far as disengaging, you have to just become indifferent. Don't care about them, don't do anything for them, don't care what they say about you (you know the truth). Know that they do not deserve your time, or energy, or the space in your head.
Your DH needs to make a decision. Either take you to the wedding or let BM walk her down the aisle by herself.
As far as Christmas, screw them all. You and DH do something wonderful and fun on your own. Take the money you would spend on Christmas presents for these people and give it to charity.
Plan your own holiday getaway
Plan your own holiday getaway and tell them you guys have plans and couldn't have made it anyway.
"Uncomfortable" has and
"Uncomfortable" has and always will be code for "I don't like the fact that you can see through my evil, selfish, bratty entitled personality--you are SUPPOSED to just smile, put up with my constant abuse and give me money"
You nailed it! My SD used
You nailed it! My SD used the uncomfortable B.S. for over 20 years. I finally asked my DH what I did 'specifically' to make her uncomfortable. He couldn't come up with anything. The REAL uncomfortable thing about all of this is that I am truly embarrassed it took me over 20 years to ask for specifics. DUH!!! I guess I was blinded by the dream of one day 'winning' her over with kindness. Another DUH!! Makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.
Yeah, this is a repost of
Yeah, this is a repost of something I put on the general discussion group.
Right now honestly I am
Right now honestly I am waiting to see what DH decides about our being uninvited. He seems to haveturned cold on me.
I am so glad you posted this!
I am so glad you posted this! My Dh and I were laughing our butts off at the "uncomfortable" thing! That is the EXACT wording SD33 just spewed again last weekend when my SIL invited her to the family Christmas. Thanks ! }:)
On a side note.....I am now sincerely pissed my SIL invited her in the first place but that's another story......
If I was your husband, I
If I was your husband, I would tell the witch...you can return the money. That will not happen. Do not get me started on weddings for adult skids.