I can see why you are frustrated. From the stepparenting side of things, we can tend to be more annoyed by stepkids because we don't have the unconditional love bond with them that their bio parents do. When they annoy us, it can feel really irritating rather than mildly irritating to a bio parent. Also, it sounds like your husband may not have kids of his own, and that combined with moving your kids into his house has caused him to be extra sensitive to the boys destroying things.

I get the sense that the boys understand that you are disciplining them because your husband is upset and they are now using that as a way to cause more strife in your relationship (you say they "still do things to make him angry almost every day.") This doesn't mean they are bad kids, but in addition to being rambunctious kids they are probably acting out in the way that stepkids act out. When stepkids who haven't adjusted well to the changes find a way to come between their parent and the stepparent, they will use it.

Do you have any HOUSE rules? They should be for the household, not your rules or your husband's rules. They are more neutral that way and they are clear boundaries for the kids, versus saying "stepdad is angry when you do that, stop it." Instead you say "Little Billy, doing that breaks the house rule." Do you see how it makes a difference to the boys by saying that they are breaking house rules? They can no longer use rule breaking to divide and conquer, because house rules imply a steadfastness in your relationship.

And have you made it clear to the boys that you and your husband are the team that make the rules? And that they are to respect your husband because he is an adult male in the house paying the bills? (They don't have to like him, but they do have to respect him).

I would try to see this from your husband's side of things and I would encourage your husband to try to see it from your side. Have an honest discussion with him when things are calm and figure out how the two of you can come together as a team rather than as two people the boys try to drive a wedge between. Work together to set up those house rules and then enforce them when you see the kids breaking them. Your husband should not be a disciplinarian, but he will have more power with the boys rule-breaking if he is able to tell them that they are breaking house rules and therefore their mother will deal with it when she gets home.

Try reading the book "stepmonster" for the stepparenting perspective on things. And give the teamwork and the house rules a try.

As a StepDad with no BioKids I have had some similar experiences to what your DH is experiencing. The first couple of years of our marriage I periodically had difficulty with kid stuff. My DW and I met when SS-21 was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. Due to the age of the Skid there are some significant differences to what your DH is experiencing though. However, having children in your home that are not bioligically yours and who are "protected" and isolated from you by their mother can cause significant strains on a blended family and more importantly on the marriage.

For me I think it was almost a mamalian response to having a child in my home that was not biologically mine and who represented the influence of another man and another family that was not mine and was not my brides. I would be hyper sensitive to small things like a 2yo pulling stuff off of bookshelves, etc...and to tensions my wife felt when having to deal with my Skid's SpermIdiot and SpermClan.

It took some deep soul searching for me to make the decision to accept SS emotionally and to actively accept and parent my Skid. Even though intellectually I accepted that when I asked his mom to marry me I was also agreeing to support, raise and parent the Skid as my own the emotional decision and acceptace took a bit longer for me to arrive at.

Rather than run interference between your sons and your DH I would suggest that you sit your DH down and tell him that the boys live in his home too and he needs to deal with them directly. You also need to sit your boys down and let them know that though you are their mom and always will be, you are DHs wife and that you will require that the boys recognize that fact, the fact that DH is your husband and they are living in yours and DH's marrital home and they is an equity parent to any children living in the home.

Then after you have spoken with DH and with the boys in separate discussion I would pull everyone together to discuss how things will work. You and DH decide all things in your marrital home, the boys get input but ultimately have no say.

At least that is how I would address it.

Good luck.

I think the household work is really important, and it did wonders for our house. Also, I think that you both should explore your beliefs about parenting, your marriage, and responsibilities to the kids. You need to do this together. He may have signed up for something different than what you believed to be the "packaged" deal. You will not be able to resolve it, however, if you are not on the same page. Try writing things out and then exchanging comments, the writing responses on those comments. Since this can be a heated discussion, exchanging notes can sometimes bring the emotions down.

Good luck