SS father in jail out of state, BM wants to bring him back home
This is my first post on here, and I am hoping for some advice. A quick back story. My wife and her 2 bio children moved with me to CA from IL 6.5 years ago, both kids chose to do this because their bio father is a POS. His visitation consisted of the whole summer and x-mas. During that time my wife and I have had 2 children together (4yrs and 8 months). Last year my 14 y/o SS (8th grader) decided that he wanted to move with his father after a summer of no rules/supervision. We were going to fight this in court but decided to let him go and try it out so he wouldn't resent us for fighting it. Prior to him moving my wife and i fought constantly over him because he always challenged my authority, was screwing around in school and we had to literally force him to do homework. After he moved away my relationship with my wife improved dramatically and things have been really good between us. Even my SD (17) has said things are much better with him in IL with bio dad.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when bio dad slit someone's throat at his biker club. My wife immediately flew out to IL to file for an emergency injunction against bio dad and to get custody of my SS. She went back with our 8mo old because I am self employed and could leave my business, nor stay at home with the kids all day. I am the sole bread winner and the sole doctor at my clinic. My 17 y/o SD and bio 4 y/o stayed back with me to continue going to school and g-pa helps with them till I get home. She was granted temporary custody for 14 days with a hearing set for today to determine what custody would be. Today's hearing the other side (her ex who is out on bail and his POS atty) was able to argue for a continuation and the next hearing is in 3 weeks from now (Dec 6). The court also granted bio dad some visitation on sunday's for a few hours up until the next hearing. So she still has temp custody, but is stuck in IL while I am here at home with my 4yo and 17yo SD. My 8mo old son is out there with my wife and I have some serious mixed feelings on this whole thing and don't want to continue living my life like this!!!.
For the past few years it has been ongoing court related crap with bio dad, issues with SS at home and school when he was here. Finally I feel like our family was doing great the past year and we are going to be 5 weeks apart now waiting for another hearing where she will most likely get full custody of SS. And then bring him back here (against his will, he didn't want to be out here prior to this mind you). SS is somewhat violent in my opinion, and has been brainwashed by his bio dad, and just flat out does not get along with me. He has been in 3-4 fights since living out there with bio dad, and had 3 D-'s on his report card recently. He is troubled, and that was before his dad slit someone's throat. When my wife picked him up he was saying "my dad was framed, he was set up" " i'm going to kill ...... (the guy who his dad attempted to kill)". Then he wanted to know why he had to go with his mom instead of staying with his g-ma and g-pa (bio dad's parents). He was very angry with his bio-mom and over the past 2 weeks he has settled down, but who knows what he is really thinking. My wife thinks he hated her for taking him out of that situation, although he has calmed down since then.
The kid is honestly the only reason my wife and I fought prior to him moving out of the house, and now we are going to reintroduce him to our household and I am worried for multiple reasons. One: for my relationship with my wife and I, and our fighting over him and the probable cluster f&%k that he is going to be when he gets out here. Two: for my own bio kids who are little and how he is going to negatively influence them and their development. Three: because he and is bio sister (my SD) basically got to where they were hateful towards eachother and I worry that she will be hurt by this (she is straight A's, great kid) Four: I already resent him for what happened in the past and how he gave the middle finger to his mom, and now all this that is going on now, I worry this will be a huge disaster.
Am I being selfish, or do I have rightful concern about my wife wanting to bring him back. Should we arrange for him to finish school out in IL with his grandparents (my wife's mom and dad or his father's mom and dad)??
I just want to add that I
I just want to add that I truly love my wife and understand that this is her son and she is going to do anything to help her son. But I also feel like we have 3 other children to consider here, and perhaps other options should be considered with him before bringing him back into our home. He has done nothing wrong, it was his father, but why should the rest of my family get the shaft because of it. I don't know what the right thing to do is here.
You may not want to hear this
You may not want to hear this and I totally understand. While I do not know you and probably not your wife, as I have to admit I do not even know her name (no worries about this getting back to her. I too like the anonymous atmosphere and do not wish to ruin that), I do know your SS. Small world huh? I also know the two men of which you are speaking (one man was the groom and it was his wedding reception?). I have absolutely no ties to either and really have no opinion whatsoever about what happened. I do however know some of what the SS has been causing back here. His girlfriend has been bullied and SS controlled who she spoke to and who she didn't, who she could be friends with, what sports and/or activities she could participate in. Now, she allowed this to happen and doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it. We in the community have been watching this over the last several months. He tries to control every aspect of her life that her parents don't. He does seem to have a temper that rises at the smallest things. I would be very concerned having him around small children. On the other hand, his grandparents can not raise him. They are just not physically able to do so. Chances are good that his dad will spend at least some time behind bars even if only for a little bit (I really am not thinking he is going to get much if you listen to the news around here). Dad has an alcohol problem. SS will go the very same way if he is not taken away from this atmosphere. Dad had little to no control of SS.
I hope things go well for all of you. He's not so far gone that he can't be helped but its not going to be easy. Best wishes.
Small world for sure. My
Small world for sure. My wwife knows my thoughts on the matter, and I support her on this. I'm just needed some outside opinions beyond those of my family and friens.
"On the other hand, his
"On the other hand, his grandparents can not raise him. They are just not physically able to do so."
I would tend to agree and I don't know ANY of the people attached to this story. However, I'm not a big fan of children being dumped on GP's. (Not saying that you or your DW are dumping him.) They have raised their children and have earned the right to live an unfettered life. If he has any violent tendencies, it isn't fair to put either GP's in harm's way. Obviously, it is up to each parent to raise their child. Unfortunately for you, the bio-dad will be unable to do this (probably a good thing, seeing as he has his own mental health issues.) The responsibility now lays in his mother's hands, and like it or not, she will have to step up and do just that.... take responsibility for her kid. Get him into therapy ASAP and together (with your wife) come up with a consistent game plan for how BOTH of you will be dealing with his issues. Then... follow through. Keep each other accountable. Do not lock horns in front of this kid b/c if he senses ANY division, he will use it to his advantage. In other words... dig in together. And I do mean TOGETHER!