Just had it out with DH over SD's behavior...
SD14 was at a color guard function this morning, and then went over to one of the girl's houses for a party. When SD14 told us the plan last night, she said that she had a ride home. Well, then she calls DH twice begging to spend the night, but DH tells her no both times, insisting he wants her to go to church in the morning.
So, then, DH is complaining to me about having to go pick her up, and askinge if I want to go with him (which really means I want to use your car and your gas). I tell him with a tone that I didn't want to go, to which he yells at me to quit acting like I'm mad when he asks me anything. I tell him to then quit asking me things he knows I will say no to! I go on to tell him if he really doesn't want to go, he should have just let her spend the night...that it isn't like SD14!even wants to be at church...she just sits there texting or playing ges on her grandmother' s phone, getting up every 10 minutes to go to the bathroom to "fix her hair"...not even standing when pastor asks everyone to stand, etc. DH asks why it bugse so much, and I tell him that she acts totally disrespectful in church! He then tells me to get on to her about it...my response? "Yeah, right...she doesn't listen to anything I tell her!" He then tells me to ack her, to which I just look away. He tells me I wouldn't let my bio-kids get away with that kind of behavior, and I point out to him that they are MY kids...I don't have to worry about someone calling or texting me cussing me out because I tried to set their kid straight!
DH went on saying he can't parent alone...again, I just look away and bite my tougne because I wanted to say, "That would mean that you would have to parent in the first place!" I do point out that she gets away with too much, as she has yet to be punished for anything she does...no grounding, no cutting off of privs or taking away of electronics...nothing!
I hope he and SD14 have a nice long talk in the car, especially since she has called DH about 5 times expecting him to be at her beck and call..."I need you to being me a jacket"..."I need you to bring me my flag"...and her having an attitude with him when he told her no because we were out doing what we needed to get done today, because he was only supposed to have to drop her off and she would have a ride home!
That's normally what I do,
That's normally what I do, but he was irritating the crap out if me about his whining about going to get her, that I just blurted it out! I've been making him do it alone...she doesn't clean after herself, I get on him about it.
He always thinks his talks do something, but the whole time I can see SD14 is just sitting there with her "whatever...shut up" face. I don't know how he doesn't see it! The whole church thing, he is usually in the sound booth, so SD14's repeated trips to the bathroom are distracting to me as she keeps walking in front of me during the message or bumping into me when I'm standing and worshiping. Not to mention the constant vibrations I feel through the seat because she is texting. I get that he wants her at church, but I'm of the opinion that she is old enough to make her own decisions about religion and forcing on her will only get more attitude. At the same time, I don't think we can trust her home alone because of the things she has done! BS18 leaves for work at 8:30 am on Sundays. So, he at least needs to make it clear that she will be respectful and not be a distraction in church.
But yes, it is all on him...but I'm still going to bring up to him when SD14 disrespects me and my home! And if he whines to me because things aren't easy on him, I will not hold back my opinion or observations!
One note, however.... This is
One note, however.... This is the age when a lot of parties start having booze around. Dad wants to make sure that his daughter knows she can ALWAYS call for a ride if her planned driver is unsafe. Or to stay overnight.
I think that is what bothers
I think that is what bothers DH the most...I've been stepping further and further back and putting it on his shoulders! That is why he is saying he can't parent alone, something bugs me...like if SD14 leaves her crap and trash all over the TV room...I tell DH that HE needs to tell SD14 to pick up her crap! I feel like I'm teaching him how to parent. Sad thing is, none of this is new to him! BD22 was only 10 when we got married...BS18 was 6. He had no problems setting them straight or backing me with them! However, with the princess, there is the fear of her not liking him...so he wants me to be the bad guy instead so he doesn't have to. I think that is bs! Your job is not to be her friend...you are her parent! If I worried about whether or not my kids liked me, they would be a couple of heathens! I was strict...told them no to some things...punished when they did wrong...didn't tolerate lying or disrespect...they both still like me just fine! DH needs to just get over it and parent...and if she doesn't like you for it...oh well! If there is any shred of human left in her, she will get over it. And if not, as much as your heart will ache, you have to ask yourself if you really want to have to deal with that kind of person the rest of your life? Sometimes, you just have to show the tough love. Blood or not...you can't let someone walk all over you or bleed you dry!
And I know there are different stands on spanking, but I will tell you this. Both of my kids were spanked when it was called for. SD14 has never been spanked! BM wouldn't spank for whatever reason, even when SD14 would throw temper tantrums where she would hit her mother (this was from the age of 2 to about 6). DH never could bring herself to spank her for anything. About the same attitude as grounding...he thinks when it comes to SD14, EVERYTHING can be fixed with talking. Even when she cut school and smoked pot...she was moved back into out house the same day, and when I ask what the punishment would be, DH said, "We talked. I don't think it is right for me to punish her for something she didn't do here." I nearly fell over! So she just gets to run away from the trouble to avoid punishment?
he can't parent alone? then
he can't parent alone? then maybe he shouldn't have gotten divorced from the kid's MOTHER. did he not realize that he'd have to parent alone after he divorced? or, he did and hurried up to marry someone to do it for him? is this the reason he married you? i'm sure you thought he loved you, wanted to build a life and future with you, and he had so much to offer a woman that he wanted to share. ha! sounds like he wanted a sugar momma/nanny/maid. soooo many men do this, need someone to take care of them and their spawn, not caring what they are doing to an innocent woman. some men are very selfish and force us to take care of ourselves (or allow them to walk all over us). my dh always wanted to use my resources (gas, money, etc..) on his kids, didn't even question it. finally got it through his head if he didn't want to parent, he shouldn't have had kids. we had lots of fights those first few years, but I held my ground. he rarely takes me for granted now. I don't know how long you've been married, but hold the line. keep allowing him to do the parenting, keep telling him no. he'll either finally get it and step up, or he'll leave (which would tell you the real reason he married you). no, he's not going to like it, but it's your life, too. and maybe, just maybe if he EVER backed you up on instilling discipline, you just might choose to help him out occasionally (totally your call).
We've been married for 11 1/2
We've been married for 11 1/2 years...SD14 was just a baby when we started dating. DH's ex kicked him out of the picture, because she didn't want to be married any more...wanted to go out and party and such, and DH wanted her to be a wife. Up until recently, DH was the non-custodial parent. He was lucky if he got SD14 every other weekend as BM would always come up with excuses why SD14 wasn't coming over. It wasn't until SD14 got out of control that BM threw up her hands and said, "That's it! Your turn!" See, BM didn't parent at all...she always tried to be the best friend. So what she created was this little monster, and then when she couldn't handle it...ship her off to dad!
Now, all this time, trying to get SD14 to want to be with him, DH wasn't any better. He always wanted any time he had with SD14 to be all fun, so for the 1-2 days we had her, that was all he did...didn't parent, only played.
See, it isn't that he doesn't know how to parent. He did fine with my two kids...demanded that they pick up after themselves, that they showed respect, backed me on everything. We actually parented together (as my kids' dad was not in the picture, so DH adopted them)...we would discuss things and come to an agreement as to how things would be handled when the kids did this and that. When it comes to SD14, however, there is no discussion and he doesn't back me at all. I will say, "I think that X should be taken away because of Y", and he just says that is too harsh...that he will TALK to her. Yet, when I complain about her behavior to him, what I get is the "Then you do something about it!" It isn't MY place to do something about it! It is HIS place to step up and demand that SD14 respect the house and all the people who live in it...that she abide by the rules...that she be considerate of others...etc. Time for play and best friends is over! It is time for hard life lessons! Like the shower rule...she blatantly disobeys it on a daily basis because she knows DH will not do anything. There is also the staying on the tablet until all hours talking to friends instead of going to sleep. Now...to some it may seem petty, but if she is allowed to regularly break these rules, what else will she challenge? I suggested to DH that when the 20 minute mark is passed with the shower, we turn off the main water in the utility room. Do that a few times, and SD14 will get the message! No, that is too mean. I also suggested that at 10 p.m. we turn off the internet router so that SD14 has nothing to do but go to sleep...no, that is too much of an inconvenience to him because he can't play on his tablet then. Really? You aren't willing to sacrifice an hour or two of your internet time to send a message to the princess that bed time means bed time?
DH just called that he was on
DH just called that he was on his way home from work. He said, "I'm going to have to go get ____ (SD14) from school, because she couldn't get a ride home from sectionals." He said that she was already done and just sitting there. You can tell by the tone in his voice he was trying to get me to go get her. NOPE! I don't care if he is still an hour away! I already did all the transportation this summer for this color guard thing that no one asked me about...I'm done!
Oh, if DH ever gets off his
Oh, if DH ever gets off his butt to get SD14 to the dentist....let's just say I know it's going to cost us after insurance! There is no way she doesn't have cavities if I'm right about the purging! Of course she disappeared to the bathroom right after dinner tonight! Made a healthy dinner, and I'm sure she didn't leave it in her system long enough to do any good.
On a positive note at least
On a positive note at least he wants help with parenting. And acknowledges that her behaviour is not on. Maybe make some family expectations and you know your chn will stick to it so not a problem. Might give SD something to work on.
Be happy you have him wanting discipline! BELIEVE ME!!!
He doesn't want help with
He doesn't want help with parenting....he wants me to parent but then won't back me up! I've been down this road for years now. I tell SD14 something and she starts arguing with me about it (which is always), she raises her voice, I raise my voice, and he'll just sit in front of his TV. She storms off to her room. Later, I get told by DH that I was too harsh, I scared SD14 by yelling at her, etc. it is always the same cycle! She is the victim, and I'm the evil SM for expecting respect or asking the poor child to clean up her own mess!
The only place he truly wants help is taxiing the princess around. He doesn't want to have to take or pick her up from anywhere. Again...this means he has to do something!
And yes...he will acknowledge that SD14's behavior is a problem, but he is too concerned with her liking him to do anything about it.
Exactly! They want the
Exactly! They want the attitude and behavior of their daughters to change, but not if it means that their daughter will be upset at all, or if she will be mad at them. First rule of parenting, you have to not care if your kids like you or not, because there will be days that they don't...just like there will be days you really don't like them. You have to be willing to do what needs to be done no matter how many hurt feelings there will be. You have to find that fine line where you let them know you are correcting them out of love. Just because you love the child, doesn't mean you have to love the attitude!
They basically want their cake and eat it too. They want some magic fix for their kids' behavior problems that doesn't cause any bad feelings for them or their child. It doesn't work that way! I can't tell you how many times I have been hurt by having to discipline my kids. A cancelled trip to Six Flags because of bad behavior? No, I didn't enjoy that! I really wanted to go have a great time with my kids...not sit at home with them grounded because of something they did wrong. Having to see eyes of disdain every time they walked in a room when they were on a punishment? Yeah...might as well been daggers shooting out of their eyes right into my heart! But I knew if I didn't discipline, they were not going to grow up to be the adults they are supposed to be, and it is that thought that got me through all of it.
I think SD14 is lying about
I think SD14 is lying about what happened to my coffee table while both DH and I were gone this evening. I had to leave for the football team dinner before DH made it home from work. I get home, and one of the 1 foot square tiles in my coffee table is shattered. I asked DH what happened, and he says he doesn't know...happened before he got home. SD14 told him she was in her room and just heard a crash, and she came out and it was broken. She said one of the animals must have broken it. Two problems with that story:
1) When I left, she was blaring here music in her room. TV room is all the way on the other end of the house from her room. She can't ever hear DH screaming her name from the TV room, but she heard a tile break?
2) She brought home one of those wooden color guard rifles yesterday. Last night and tonight, there has been constant banging on the floor as she has been twirling it in her room and dropping it. She isn't supposed to be twirling at all in the house.
What I think the real story is? She was twirling her rifle in the TV room and dropped it on the coffee table breaking the tile, but isn't about to fess up to it!! I have tried to think of any way possible one of the animals could have broken it, and it just isn't possible. Of course, DH believes her story.
My son had to go to his friend's house to do his homework, because SD14 was tying up the bandwidth streaming music, and DH wouldn't tell her to stop do that my son could do his homework. Yet, DH is quick to yell at my son about his grades! Really? The boy is trying to do homework, and you aren't going to show any kind of support by telling SD14 to free up the bandwidth? Out in the country, we don't have the best internet, and SD14 streaming her music causes problems for anyone else actually trying to use it. Wish we had a better setup where I could have more control over the internet, because I have no control over anything! Our old router had things you could set by MAC address, but not this one. I think it is sad that my son can't even do his homework at home, but has to go spend the night at his friend's (because of the dinner, he will be late working on his stuff and he doesn't like to drive when he gets too tired)...all because DH doesn't want to offend SD14 by telling her she can't listen to her music!
Exactly! What really pisses
Exactly! What really pisses me off is how DH ALWAYS believes SD14's story about thing, even with her history of lying. Yet, when my son got into a wreck earlier this year with his truck, and tried to explain that he was doing 10 miles under the speed limit in the rain, but when he hit the brakes when his friend in front of him stopped abruptly, the brakes didn't function properly and he went sliding into his friend...my husband didn't believe him!!! DH kept insisting to my son that by looking at his truck, he had to have been going faster than he claims he was going, etc. DH isn't the one who went to the accident scene to help my son out...I was. I saw the scene, and the condition of his truck fully fit what my son was telling us, especially since his friend's truck was an older model American steel truck...that's like hitting a brick wall at any speed! Let's just say that DH was on my son so bad that my 18-year-old tough, football playing son was crying because DH was accusing him of lying! My son hasn't given us any reason to believe he is lying! He was scared...this was his first wreck...and DH was accusing him of lying? Oh, I let DH have it that day...I really did. That was definitely a near divorce moment!
I just want to smack DH when he let's SD14 get away with her lies!
BOUNDARIES!! Your DH sounds
BOUNDARIES!! Your DH sounds like a gutless wonder and needs to pull his goddamn head out of his ass, and discover his parenting balls.
He is NOT doing his daughter any favours by catering to her every whim. He is not teaching her responsibility and respect. The man is going to end up with one egotistical, selfish, bitch of an adult daughter if he keeps this up.
Kudos to you for being so patient with her! I think I would've lost it by now - can't stand the double standards.
After this long, for him to still be doing this, is just bloody insane! Maybe you could "hint" to him that you might be looking at finding a place on your own for you and your Son, so you could have some peace and let him learn how to parent his lazy ass kid.
Tell me about it! I wouldn't
Tell me about it! I wouldn't actually call it patience as much as I've just given up on the girl! She is already egotistical, selfish, etc. DH wonders why I don't want to spend any time alone with SD14...like take her shopping just the girls and stuff. It's because I can only take so much of hearing how great SD14 is out of SD14's mouth! The night she brought home the color guard rifle, "It's my forte! I'm a natural at it! We just got them today and I'm the best on in guard with it!" It's like UGH...shut up about it already!
I wish I could find a place for just me and my son. So many things make that difficult! One big one...there really aren't any rentals in this school district (I looked about this time last year when I had it with SD14's crap), and I can't pull my son out of his school in the middle of his senior year! He has been with these folks since 4th grade...some really tight friendships there and it means a lot to him...that getting to share memories and stuff that kids who move around a lot don't have.
More lying!!!! A reliable
More lying!!!!
A reliable source told us last night that SD14 has been hiding out in dark or hidden areas of the school with a guy. This source told us that he hasn't actually seen any making out but that the actions are a little suspicious. She doesn't know this person saw her, because he said he didn't want her to know he had eyes out until he was sure of what he was seeing.
DH asked SD14 point blank today if she had a boyfriend. SD14 very defensively said no. The way she said it, I know she is lying! Being in her life since she could walk, I've learned her tell when she is lying...we all have one. SD14's is her eyebrows...they go up when she is lying. Either DH hasn't figured this out yet, or he ignores it, but the whole time he was questioning her about having a boyfriend and/or making out with boys at school, those eyebrows were up, and she was on the total defense as she denied it all!
A bit later, DH gets a call from his sister saying that SD14 told her that we would meet them somewhere so the could get her and SD14 could hang out with her cousin. Both DH and I are feeling under the weather, and SD14 was told this earlier when she asked if we were going anywhere today. SD14 didn't even bother to ask if she could go! DH call SD14 out of her room and asked if there was something she was supposed to ask him. She played dumb until he brought up the call from his sister. Bad thing is, instead if telling her she wasn't going anywhere, which he should have done to prove the point that she doesn't run things and needs to ask, DH simply gives her a small lecture and takes her anyway! So she will just do it again at a later date! AND he has to go pick her up later, because he insists tha SD14 MUST go to church! Bad thing is, my MIL goes to the same church as we do, and lives down the street from my SIL! Why can't DH just ask his mom if SD14 can come to church with her, instead of us having to figure out how to get her? I know I'm just going to have to hear DH complain about picking her up again!
DH does that whole "smile"
DH does that whole "smile" crap, too. Worse is he tries to pull it on me when I'm mad about something. I tell him, "oh, like I can turn it off and pretend that _________ doesn't bother me?" He pulls the whole bit that I choose to let things bother me, etc. I guess I'm supposed to sit there and let the world run over me...happily!
Kuddos to DH yesterday, even
Kuddos to DH yesterday, even though I'm sure it was only his allergies talking!
SD14 tried to pull the crap again. She basically TOLD DH that she was going to a youth group thing with her friend. He stopped her in her tracks..."You need to ASK...don't assume! We are not going anywhere today. Both me and your SM are not feeling very well." SD14 started copping an attitude and said that she could see if her friend could pick her up and bring her home. DH was like, "No, we know how that always ends up. Anyway, is your room even close to clean?" SD14 just got more attitude and started arguing back, etc. DH started getting on to her about picking up after herself...including her room. That there is no reason for her to come home and just dump everything on the floor and act like that is okay, etc. At the end of the argument, SD14 just stomped off to her room, slammed the door, and we didn't see her the rest of the day! This argument happened around 3 p.m. She didn't even come out for dinner (which is no surprise, because it's either starve or purge with her, and if we weren't going out or ordering pizza, no interest in eating). Now, she did get away with that little temper tantrum, but at least DH didn't let her get her way about going with the friend.
Oh...ALL that SD14 wants is
Oh...ALL that SD14 wants is fat or sugar! Why isn't she skin and bones with her eating disorder? Because she will basically drink in sugar calories what I eat in a day, but then not eat or purge whatever food she does eat. Then, she tries to stuff herself into a 2, when she should really be a 6...complains that she needs new clothes because hers don't fit, but when she goes to the store, she still tries to only get the smaller size (blaming the clothes not fitting on the dryer). UGH!
SD14 texts me about 30 minutes ago that I need to take her back up to the school for something at 6 p.m. Of course, I'm stuck doing it because DH can't be home in time. What pisses me off, is that I'm sure she knew about this thing for at least a week already...something that she needs to do for drama club. Only reason I'm agreeing is because I still don't feel well, and I really don't feel like cooking...so after I drop her off I will grab something to eat, which I planned on going out doing anyway. Not to mention...I think DH is going to go by his friend's tonight, and I really don't want SD14 around! I did get on to her that she can't just assume that I'm available...if it were any other Monday of the month, I would have a Project Graduation meeting to be at and she would be SOL!
Oh, no...they don't learn!
Oh, no...they don't learn! She has already had to sit up at the school for more than an hour on several occasions because I would not go get her, so she had to wait for DH to swing her way. This school year isn't even half way over yet! UGH!
But yeah...DH gave the big speech yesterday as part of his rant that SD14 needs to spend more time at home. Why? So she can hide out in her room and cop an attitude whenever she comes out? He will not let her spend the night anywhere on a Saturday night, because he insists she go to church. Um, the kid has been going to church her whole life, and it obviously is not sinking in! I'm the one who has to sit next to her irreverent butt in church every Sunday because DH is in the sound booth. Just let her stay the night at her friend's or her cousin's so I don't have to deal with it...PLEASE! SD14 never goes to BM's any more...not because BM doesn't want to see her, but because SD14 doesn't want to be over there because she HATES her SF (says that he is always trying to tell her what to do, makes her do chores, etc.). SD14 and DH refer to him as the a-hole...SERIOUSLY! So, SD14 is ALWAYS with us...I don't get any breaks!
Ugh! Really wish SD14 had
Ugh! Really wish SD14 had someplace to be tonight! She came home and plopped her butt in front of the TV...and has been on the phone the whole time. I've already had to turn the TV up in my room twice because she is nearly yelling on th phone or making loud cat noises. Every now and then when I fast-forward the DVR, I hear what she is saying...and whoever she is talking to, she is acting like a total b***h to! I can't see how the other person has managed to stay on the phone with her for more than an hour now! I would have told her off and hung up by now! I go out to get dinner, and the trash hasn't been touched...all around the trash can is trash from her room. I've said about a hundred times by now, if it doesn't fit in the can, take it outside!
I take the trash in the can outside (not her stuff) and I notice SD14's bedroom light is on! YET AGAIN, I tell SD14 that you turn lights off when you leave a room!!!
I finish getting my dinner, which is a chicken soup I've had cooking in the crock pot. I tell SD14 that dinner is either soup or she can make a sandwich, but if she picks soup, she must eat all that she takes and not put any food in the trash. She opts to not eat, instead.
DH comes home, and when he comes into the bedroom, I ask if SD14 has finally gotten off the phone. I tell him that what I heard sounded like she wasn't being very nice to whoever she was talking to. DH says, "yeah, I'm beginning to think that she is a bit of a....brat!" It sounded like he wanted to say the other word! I wanted to say, "ya think!", but instead commented that she probably has been hanging around the color guard captain too long.
We go out to the TV room to take over our tv, and SD14 disappears to her room!
Is it fair to say that men do
Is it fair to say that men do not put emotion in their thinking ~ I don't if that is the word I an searching for. They don't put to much thought in their decision making ~ n I think we as women think of every aspect of what could possibly happen. Is this fair to say ???
Oh, SD14 has definitely
Oh, SD14 has definitely gotten snootier since being in color guard! This is her first year. She was on dance in 7th and 8th grade...was supposed to be a cheerleader in 8th grade but lost her place on the squad when BM sent her to us the first time se got caught smoking pot. Same thing with SD14's group...some if the snootier girls! SD14 always had a bit of a snooty, bossy attitude anyway, but it has gotten worse the last couple of months.
I was super bothered this morning! We had to pick up SD14 from my SIL's on the way to church. SD14 comes out with this t-shirt on with pegan symbolage that said, "Live fast...die pretty!" Really? You know we are going to church, and you wear that crap? That's worse than me wearing one of my skull shirts to church (which I would never do)! She rolled her eyes at DH when he told her to zip up her hoodie to hide the shirt because it was inappropriate. We don't even know where she got it, as we didn't buy it for her. She tried to claim ignorance about the symbolage on the shirt or what the saying meant, but we all know better that that.
Yes, it's the girls with the
Yes, it's the girls with the flags and rifles. Always seemed to me that it was always the girls that didn'take cheerleader or drill team (dance), too. SD14 missed her chance to be on either of those squads, because they already had tryouts before she got in trouble at BM's and moved in with us again. Color guard was all that was left, and SD14 isn't happy if she isn't in some kind of performance group that draws attention to herself! The color guard captain supposedly went out for color guard because she was rejected for drill team.
I think that is pat of where the snootiness comes in...they try to put themselves above those groups the didn't make because of lack of talent or whatever, and they take it overboard.
Yes, it's the girls with the
Yes, it's the girls with the flags and rifles. Always seemed to me that it was always the girls that didn'take cheerleader or drill team (dance), too. SD14 missed her chance to be on either of those squads, because they already had tryouts before she got in trouble at BM's and moved in with us again. Color guard was all that was left, and SD14 isn't happy if she isn't in some kind of performance group that draws attention to herself! The color guard captain supposedly went out for color guard because she was rejected for drill team.
I think that is pat of where the snootiness comes in...they try to put themselves above those groups the didn't make because of lack of talent or whatever, and they take it overboard.