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Taking care of Step Grandchild

1984's picture

Submitted by 1984 on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 1:19pm

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Step/Bio Father's Den

First Time Post: Just doing some research, as my marriage is in shambles.
Married, 12yrs; 2 SK’s ( SD22, SS19), no BioKids.

SD had Grandson two years ago, BGM and I don't get to see him often, maybe once a month.
BGM has been trying to get me onboard with taking our Grandson in, and raising him since my
SD won't take care of him, and the BF won’t either.
I have never had an equal say in raising the kids, and now I'm being guilted into taking the Grandson in
so he could have a fighting chance of being raised in a "normal" home.
I can't agree with the BGM on anything concerning sk's or the Grandbaby.
Am I wrong not to want to go through with this? I just can't see doing it all over again.
There is drama, and infighting between BGM, and the BGGM. No-one wants to take control of the situation, and hand the responsibility back to the bioparents for them to fix.
My spouse is constantly agitated that I'm cautious about this, but I feel I've done my duty.
Sorry about any incorrect acronyms, as this is my first Rodeo.

Any advice would be great,

Thanks,
1984

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 1:28pm

:jawdrop:

No way no how!! When you are a step, you always need to expect the SKIDS will live with you at on time or another. BUT NOT STEP GRAND KIDS! That is just crazy.

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 1:29pm

I would only take on raising that baby if you get to adopt and then tell the rest of them to shove off after it is done. Otherwise you are right, it will be years of step Hell and you are supposed to be done with all of that now!

1984's picture

Submitted by 1984 on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 2:28pm

Whimsey6,
It was my decision to not have any children of my own. I had enough on my plate at the time, and I figured I was being a responsible person.I also figured the 2 skids needed my full attention.

Thanks,
1984

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 1:58pm

I would start looking up adoption agencies. As SMs we are wrongly expected to accept 100% responsibility with 0% authority. No need continuing THAT cycle.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 2:19pm

Tell your wife that if she wishes to take in the kid you'll set up a separate residence for yourself and "date" her on occasions. Once the kid is raised you'll return to the home.
Tell her this isn't a divorce, you'll continue to maintain the home for instance as most men do but you're not living there.
If she sees you feel that strongly I'm hoping she'll realize this isn't going to happen.

1984's picture

Submitted by 1984 on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 2:22pm

Thanks Folks!

That's the best advice yet.
It's been a white knuckle ride, and I think I just want to get off the coaster now.
I'm deathly afraid it will be a repeat performance with my SGS.
My SD doesn't speak to me, but I have a real solid relationship with my SS. He turned out to be protective, godfearing, respectful and loves his mom. I never asked for either of them to love me, call me Dad, or the like. I just wanted to do my duty, and raise them correctly. I was never allowed to teach my SD, but I fought for teaching rights for my SS. Still to this day.
(SS decided to join the USMC, and defend his country)

I knew that there was more people with the same issues out there, but I didn't realize till today there were so many.

Thanks for the Vent!

1984's picture

Submitted by 1984 on Fri, 09/27/2013 - 4:18pm

I don't mind raising children, I just don't want to raise any more with my wife.I'm not appreciated, and my generosity has all but dried up.

drivingmemental's picture

Submitted by drivingmemental on Sat, 10/26/2013 - 2:51am

This issue cropped up in our life, and I didn't say No, just pointed out all the issues with it.

Yes, your DW loves her grandchild, but can she honestly honestly say it will be a better life than with another adoptive family?
Is she ok with spending all her time, money, energy on this child whilst having the BM waltz in and waltz out of the child's life as she pleases?
Is she going to be ok with that child growing up and throwing the 'your not my mom' card in her face when issues arise at an older age?
Is she going to be ok with the inevitable psychological issues this child will have with 'being abandoned' by the biological parents ?
Is she going to be ok with this child growing up in the 'right' environment, to then have it decide later to go back to Mum and live a life like hers?
If the mother has more kids, will she take them in too?

These are the questions you should ask her.
The role of a grandparent is usually to love, protect, spoil and then give back to the parent for raising.
It doesn't mean she loves her grandkid any less if she doesn't take the child in.

I wouldn't do it unless the parents were unable as in physically disabled in an accident or something, or dead. I think it's a setup for failure.
I feel for you, and if it was me, I would be saying No too.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 10/29/2013 - 11:39am

Welcome, I hope find to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family adventure.

If your DW does not agree that the two of you are equity partners in your marriage including equity parents to any children in your home then I would not agree to the GSkid residing in your home.

Since you have already stated that you had no say in how your Skids were raised I think you must insist on this if the two of you are going to raise the GSkid. Were I you I would insist that you and DW jointly formally adopt the GSkid so that you can protect that child from the toxic drama of the BioMom and the BioDad.

Without those specific messages and actions I would play the veto card on this were I you.

I understand the frustrations you have as a non breeding Sparent. I am also a non breeding StepDad. Fortunately my DW (we have been married for 19 years) was amenable to my demands of being an equity parent to my SS-21 and generally we had no issues with my parenting.

However, two of my DWs 3 younger sibs have children that they struggle to support. We have discussed the unfortunately likely possibility that we will have to raise one or more of our neices/nephew from DW's sibs at some point. If that eventuallity comes to reality I will have the same demands. I will be an equity parent and my DW and I will formally adopt the children so that we can protect them from their shallow and toxic gene pools.

We took the same approach with my SS and we have been successful (reasonably) of raising him to viable adulthood. His SpermIdiot has 4 out of wedlock children by 3 different baby mamas. My SS is his oldest and our only.

Again, welcome.

Hang in there and good luck.

All IMHO of course.