Bad Mealtime Experiences
My husband is the cook in the family. We are a blended family of 5 kids. Occasionally he tries something new and invariably, not all the kids like it. This weekend he tried chicken enchiladas, and my son, the youngest at 8yrs old, mentioned they were too spicy for him. My husband took offense and said that he was done with dinner, and he would never cook for him again. My son, intent to not show his feelings were hurt, obliged.
The next day, Sunday, football day, my husband made homemade potato skins, and told my son, everyone could eat them except him. So I made my son his own dinner and he ate quietly at the table.
At bedtime, I asked him how he felt. He said he felt sad that it happened. I explained that maybe his Stepdad's feelings were hurt when he said he didn't like his meal. He quickly corrected me and said that his comment was that it was too spicy for him. He then said he spent the entire day getting reprimanded for every little thing he did that day and felt he paid for his comment 20 times over throughout the day.
I tend to be pretty easy on him b/c he's my youngest so I would appreciate some objective opinions on whether my husband is overreacting or is my son at fault here.
There is a difference between
There is a difference between "This sucks, I hate it" and "This is too spicy for me". He is 8, his tongue likely can't handle spicy things.
My dishes tend to have alot of curry in them. My skids couldn't handle it and asked if there was a way to split dinners in half... one half cooked with little to no curry for them, the other half as spiced up as I want it. I did not have a problem with this, they tried it, didnt like it and asked politely. Do I make 2 dinners? No, I just go really light on the curry or leave it out. If/when DH and I get a night to ourselves then I can make a meal the way I like it.
As for your husband leaving him out of the potato skins, he needs to grow the fuck up. He is an adult, the child WAS honest with him on the enchiladas and in a polite way. Deliberately excluding/ isolating a child from the rest of the family is NOT cool.
^^ I totally agree with
He is young, some adults like spicy some don't....does this mean he wouldn't let a dinner guest come over again if they believe it was to spicy. I believe some adjustments for a kid is necessary but I would never make two completely different meals SS5 at least has to try what we are having, and eat what he can.
I see your husband setting everyone up for many mealtime tensions...and just tension in general. The world doesn't revolve around his taste buds. He needs to be respectful this EIGHT YEAR OLD is a CHILD.
^^^^I agree with this!!!^^^^
^^^^I agree with this!!!^^^^ Your son did nothing wrong! Poor kid! I feel sorry for him.
Need more info. Was this the
Need more info. Was this the first time kid complained about meal? Does he always talk about your DH being a bad cook? Does your DH know what an ass he is?
Edit to add...I have no clue why so many people have issues with food and meal times. I have made some meals that "I" would not eat. You grab a sandwich and move on.
My kids still make fun of me for this one horrific meal. I darn sure did not do what your DH did. That is terrible.
Technically, she did give two
Technically, she did give two experiences, the enchiladas and the potato skins.
If these are the only incidents, then her DH is an unreasonable bully. However, I suspect there is more to the story here.
DH's kid used to gag and make sounds like a cat coughing up a hairball when she ate my cooking. I am an excellent cook, so she was just being a little s**t.
DH refused to do anything about her dinner time behavior for months. One night I had enough, stood up, grabbed the garbage can from the kitchen, walked back to the table with it, picked up her plate and dumped the food into the garbage can, took everything back to the kitchen, grabbed the fixings for a sandwich and ordered to to make herself a sandwich and eat it in her room.
She started to argue and I looked at DH and told him in no uncertain terms to get his kid away from me.....NOW.
After that I refused to cook for her or join her for meals. The exception was when we had company and she miraculously would behave herself. But she did the pouting, I'm sorry, it's not my fault, I really want to eat the chicken Shaman made, or (my favorite) God!!! I was just kidding.
She was banned from the table until after she moved back in with Uberskank. When DH was NCP, he cooked the weekends and holidays she was in the house. I refused to cook when she was around. Now I do it once in a while, but not often.
The things we have to prove a
The things we have to prove a point. Neither of our situations would have ended that way, if our DH's would have listened and dealt with the problem in the first place.
I had a similar experience.
I had a similar experience. Something I made ALWAYS had "too much spice" for YSS but he was ALWAYS rejecting meals I made and ALWAYS acting rude, making faces, spitting food out and suggesting chicken mcnuggest at "mick-n-donals" (almost 7 yr old baby talk for "mcdonalds").
In the early years, his father, Guilty Daddy, snapped at me when I suggested YSS try it anyway. Then I made completely bland food for, at the time stb 7 YSS, and he rejected that too very rudely I might add. In fact it caused him to TOTALLY PAS out almost 4 years to today's date. His "spin" was that we were angry at him for "eating too slowly." Which was complete BS! This is a kid known to CRAM hot dogs down his fissog and almost choke to death on them. Of course the immensely hostile BM bought the story hook, line and sinker.
Now, on the other hand, I know had my kids (if they were little) said ANYTHING remotely critical, no matter how tactfully put, about Guilty Daddy's cooking, he would throw a tantrum.
I think too, that there may be more to this story.
I'm not sure there's enough
I'm not sure there's enough info. Based on what OP has written alone, she seems to be painting stepdad as the overbearing, immature bad guy. But she admits to being easy on her son .. so i'm not really sure what to think.
If it IS exactly as it's written, then yeah, stepdad is an ass. He should apologize for acting like a child and learn how to interact with kids. I suspect, however, there's more to the story.
My SD7 knows how to communicate that she doesn't like something in a polite way. Being 7yo does not excuse rude behaviors. My SD5 thought ketchup was "spicy" until about 6 months ago. Now she eats it on everything. There's just so much leeway in the situation above and I could easily see how it could go either way.
I also don't think my SD7 could verbalize that she feels like she's paid for a mistake 20 times over .. or what that even means. She knows when she's being picked on, but that specific language doesn't sound like something a 7-8yo would say without input (just my opinion).
I too am the cook in the
I too am the cook in the family.
I'm also pretty confident in my skills in the kitchen. I'm no chef Ramsay, but if an 8-year-old kid says he doesn't like my cooking, I can't take offense. An 8-year-old kid thinks MacDonalds is gourmet cooking.
I have two bios (2 and 4) and a stepson who is 13. I can count on one hand the number of recipees in my repertoire in which EVERYONE at the table is silent and gobbling up their food. So believe me, catering for 5 kids of varying ages, evolving tastebuds and personal hang-ups is not easy. It's a challenge but it isn't a challenge your husband should take to heart. I am not saying your husband is wrong here but he could be a little more understanding.
I am solely basing on what I have read here. If your son has a history of constantly snubbing his nose at your husband's meals, that would be a different story. Things changed drastically in my household when my DW had to put herself to task to shop, prepare and clean up after the dinner-time meal one day. She never once scolded SS for wasting whole meals. But the ONE time she prepared had to prepare the meal and SS wasted it, *SUDDENLY* it was not okay. I am not saying you should place yourself in your husband's shoes but sometime the solution to a situation like this just requires a different perspective.
I think it is great that your husband experiments in the kitchen, but kids are better off with routine (well my kids anyways).
THIS THIS THIS There's no way
THIS THIS THIS
There's no way in hell I would have allowed him to get away with the potato crap.
Hubs acted like a jerk.
Hubs acted like a jerk.
If these are the only
If these are the only incidents and your son was truly polite and only commented "this is too spicy for me", then your DH was over-reacting.
I think this account is very
I think this account is very much written in a way which paints DH as an unreasonable ogre. That kind of heated response from DH suggests that something more is going on, as that would be an extreme reaction to a single mealtime issue, unless you really have married a mean man. On issues like this context is everything. If this was a one off rejection of dinner, then his response does seem OTT. On the other hand if the boy is routinely fussy and difficult about food, frequently rejects meals for one reason or another making it difficult to create family meals, and DH had gone to some trouble to try to find a meal everyone would like, I have more sympathy with him.
You write that BS is your youngest and you are soft on him. This could also create ongoing tension and resentment if DH feels that BS is overly indulged and excused most of the time in a way that is inconsistent or unfair to the other children, or makes his role as stepdad more difficult. I know my youngest stepchild, the only boy out of 5, feigned ineptitude in all practical matters and was rarely told off about anything. He was a nice kid overall but he was dreadfully lazy and forgetful and never held to account for anything. One day he just randomly decided to not like pizza, which of course was another family meal ruined. At 10 he was still claiming he was unable to insert a single duvet into the duvet cover and DH was making his bed for him. At 12 he would still make people slice bread for him because apparently he couldn't do it properly. Over indulging the youngest just annoys everybody else and doesn't do the child any favours (note to self: do not spoil youngest BS!)
As long as your son didn't
As long as your son didn't say he didn't like the food your DH cooked in a rude or disrespectful way, then yes I think your DH is in the wrong. A lot of kids don't like spicy foods (and adults too- myself included!) and I don't think it's a huge deal. Your DH didn't need to go overboard and not give him any potato skins. I think that was pretty mean.
HOWEVER, if your son spit the food out or said something rude about the food, then I side with your DH. I am the cook in my family and it infuriates me when SD5 is disrespectful at the dinner table. She will spit food out, make faces like she's grossed out, hide food, say "I don't like that" without ever having tried it, etc.
If your son tried the meal then politely said the food was too spicy and left it at that, then I don't think he did anything wrong.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your input. This was my first time using this forum so I wasn't sure how much or how little to include.
To add more insight, my son loves my DH's cooking and is the first one to compliment him at the table and in front of others. Often times when I pick him up from daycare, the first thing he asks is what is my DH cooking tonight. As far as how he made the comments, it was more in a questioning way than a statement. He asked him if he had put spices in the chicken b/c it tasted spicy to him. He never insulted nor spit it out nor acted like a jerk or brat about it. He merely pushed the food around on the plate and tried to make it look like he had eaten portions of the meal. Additionally there were no sides to the meal so there was nothing else to nibble on other than the enchiladas!
The term "Bully" has been used often in our therapy sessions and our therapist's first question to my DH was, who bullied him while he was growing up. So this was not a surprise to hear. I felt the same that he was bullying my son as he sometimes does his own son (14yrs). I did make a special dinner for my son last night and I refused to eat the potato skins as well. I did not speak out in front of every one about how I felt b/c I hated to ruin the mood for everyone else. But I did have some choice words for him later behind closed doors as well as today.
Bad Meal Experience(s)- Yes, meal time is usually stressful as my DH criticizes my son's every wrong move. Even though his kids are the first to talk with their mouth full, hold the fork wrong, (just like my DH), and commit equal offenses. It's a constant battle that I am constantly fighting to defend my son, because I do stand up for him. We have made the compromise that he can govern his kids manners and I will do mine. But he forgets all the time and when he does, his tone is usually condescending.
I have read everyone's excerpts and will take it to heart. Thank you everyone for your support. I am trying to raise a kind, well mannered, well behaved son but find myself ultra sensitive to some of my DH's actions b/c he seems to pick on my son the most.
Sounds like your DH has many
Sounds like your DH has many issues he needs to take care of. Asking what spices to me a semi-polite way to ask and probably how I would ask even though I love spicy food. Maybe have a set aside meal for your son in case of further occurrences that could be quickly made.
As for manners I don't know how you deal with that - mixed household or not we were always set to the same standard, and I can see that leading to additional tension
Meal times are not meant to
Meal times are not meant to be stressful experiences. They are meant to be pleasant experiences. I grew up in a household where wasting food was a cardinal sin. If I didn't eat that piece of decorative parsley on the side, I may as well have pissed on the couch. The reaction of my parents would be exactly the same; swift and harsh punishment.
Like I said, I am the cook in the house, but what I learned (from this site and even from some cook books) is that when you are catering to a blended family, you have both a challenge and an opportunity to create an experience that is as unique as the backgrounds that you and your DH have.
I don't expect my children to adhere to the same rules I had to go through when I was growing up, but there are some things that I INSIST upon. Namely; no TV or other distractions while we are eating. Dinner time is family time. Same is true for my DW, there are habits from her background that she brings to the table. The things I insist upon she didn't think was a big deal but we have somehow managed to compromise and find a way to combine our dinner-time methods.
I think that a lot of us
I think that a lot of us equate food with love. e.g. When your child hurts him/her-self they get a cookie or candy to feel better. Food is used as a comforting reinforcement that everything is going to be all right and the adults are there to protect children.
When skids turn their noses up at food - the cook can be hurt and feel that his/her gesture of love was spurned. What we need to realize is that kids are fickle eaters. I used to take this personal until I discovered there was no predicting it - what they like one day they hate the next. So as long as they are polite about it I would not punish them for rejecting food.