Ahhh! Too much at once!
When it comes to BM, there's never one thing that comes up, it's multiple things. This time, I'm hoping some of you have dealt with this before and some guidance would be very much appreciated.
We have 50/50 custody of twins: SS5/SD5, they started kindergarten a few weeks ago. I've been their stepmom since they were 2 1/2.
1) BM wants to put kids in dance, soccer, t-ball, and piano. She signed them up for dance last year and didn't get DH's permission. DH and I were reluctant to start formal classes because they were so young, all our work schedules are quite intense (mine, DH, and BM all put in over 50 a week), and we wanted to use these years to concentrate on bonding and family time. When she signed them up, he took them to the classes, but he refused to pay. She wants to sign them up again (or may already have!) but we've agreed that now is not the time to add a lot of activities. I get the impression from the kids that BM has signed them up for dance and possibly piano but BM denies everything. (Yet they come home with things from dance class...) Before crying foul, I cried foul first. CO states that both parents must agree first and that makes them both responsible for all rehearsals/events/fees incurred on during their parenting time. I love DH, but he screwed up on this one: he didn't cry foul on the CO when she violated it, there was implied complicity when he took kids to dance class, and refusal to pay just makes him look like a whiner... What to do now?!
2) BM keeps sending kids over to our house with stuff from her house despite requests that it stay with her. The rule has been to keep it at the house that bought it... When things, like toys or jewelry, get sent back and forth, it created so many problems that everyone agreed it was just best to leave it where it was purchased. Now she seems to have forgotten all of that. She wants us to send this stuff back with the kids when they go to school but the rule at school is that nothing other than school stuff come to school. We're stuck with this junk during the school week and she's accusing us of not sending it back when the kids go to school. If she can't abide by the school rules and we're not willing to break them, why should we make a special trip to her house just to drop off stuff that shouldn't be here in the first place? I collect it so it can be given to her when we do a weekend exchange, but BM seems to think that waiting that long is like we're withholding her property...
3) BM keeps making plans to take the kids out of town during the school year. She wanted to have them out of town for a week in October and February to see family. She told us today that her mother is dying and she's taking the kids with her; they'll be out of town for an entire school week. DH and I are both feeling uncomfortable about the kids missing so much school so early in their academic careers. I get that a dying parent/grandparent is a big deal, taking kids with her to say goodbye can be important for closure -- but this woman has been dying for years and this excuse is used every 3-6 months to take kids out of town for a week at time. If the kids' grandma is really dying, by all means go -- but this should eliminate the superfluous trips out of town later in the year, no?
4) BM keeps sending DH stuff of a personal matter, like pictures of his dying ex mother in law (who he never got along with), updates on her BM's personal life (that make us both uncomfortable, like her current pregnancy), etc. I think that if it doesn't involve the kids, it's not something we should have to talk about with her. He's worried about making the angry bear angrier and so he just lets all this slide. (Boundaries! We need boundaries!)
I am really hoping some of you have dealt with this before because any idea to go on from here would be helpful. DH isn't always the best about standing up to BM until its become such a big issue that we're on the verge of ruin. I'm tired of waiting until we hit panic mode before he confronts her! I'm starting to feel defensive when they're talking about things like my in-laws (I get along great with them, BTW).
Ahhhhh! I must be going crazy!
1) I wouldn't disagree that
1) I wouldn't disagree that there is value in extracurricular activities, but we're concerned about the time available to do all of this. BM signs them up for stuff without consulting our schedules and makes the majority of it our problem to get them to and from these programs. Does it seem reasonable to let them (and us!) adjust to a full time kindergarten schedule before we add activities to the mix? BM and DH work on the weekends often and it effectively makes those activities the "responsibility" of myself and their stepdad. I don't have the time for it right now, honestly...
3) I agree that the kids should see their dying grandmother. They need to be there if they can and missing school under these circumstances is reasonable, important even. She still wants to pull them out of school for two non consecutive weeks later in the school year, though. Would you think that this event should make, at least, one of those weeks moot so they aren't missing so much school?
Your thoughts are appreciated!
At the moment, BM in our
At the moment, BM in our situation is driving us batshit crazy. It's gotten to the point where we're now seeking legal advice and are about to haul her ass into court.
Our problem? We get the kids every 2nd weekend. BM goes and enrols SS into activities (e.g. Footy), which requires him to play every Saturday. Training is on Wednesday nights. BM enrols SS and expects DH to pay half, (on top of the full child support he currently pays her). She also expects us to take SS to his footy every Saturday that we have them. We have HUGE issues with this because:
1) We don't tell BM what to do with the kids when she has them.
2) We don't book activities etc for the kids that affect BM's time
3) BM effectively "locks us down" for our weekends, so we couldn't take the kids off for a fishing trip on our weekends if we wanted to.
4) BM manipulates and controls her kids and uses them as pawns.
5) DH raised both kids from 0 to 12 years old. BM has had custody of them for 6 months and is still trying to control everyone. (Note - she NEVER paid ONE CENT of child support during the time DH raised them).
A month ago, she filed for full child support, so DH tried to get her to be fair regarding picking up and dropping off of the children. BM refused point blank to pick the kids up because DH refused to agree to signing up SS for an activity, that he doesn't really care about. She constantly uses "the best interests of the children" but her actions show otherwise.
I have quite a few friends who are divorced with kids. They manage to spend time with their children when it's their weekends, with no influence whatsoever from the other parent.
It is a parent's basic right to spend time with their kids and the other parent should mind their own damned business and not try to interfere with eachother.
We're trying to work out why BM is so obsessive about controlling our weekends - it's not that she wants DH (she's a lesbian and is in a strong relationship with her partner) so, it looks like its a control issue.
She's the type that needs to be told off by a Judge before she starts to learn how to respect boundaries.