Custody Agreement Rant
S/O and BM are finally divorced and they both agreed to a basic custody agreement. The agreement says that every other weekend BM is to have FSD Friday after BM is off work (which the time is always up in the air because BM claims to not know her schedule beforehand, I call bullshit) to Sunday at 5pm. The weekend FSD is to be with s/o BM is to have her two days of her choosing during the week and she is supposed to tell him a week in advance but of course she doesn't. Simple right? The agreement started Aug. 2nd and neither BM or my s/o are following it. I frustrates the crap out of me because while I realize communication between the two of them is sometimes necessary, I think that deviating from the agreement they BOTH signed off on, creates moments for unnecessary communication. I don't understand why either party would agree to an arrangement that doesn't work for them. Am I wrong about thinking that they COULD have come up with an agreement that worked for both of them during mediation? My s/o and I got into yet another fight because he's choosing to deviate from the custody agreement. This weekend is BM's weekend with FSD. So s/o has to be there by 5pm Sunday to pick up. Instead of just doing that, he's deciding to deviate and pick her up at a different time which of course means communicating. All I asked was WHY? WHY WHY WHY? I didn't get an answer. He just kept saying that things aren't black and white and that the agreement is not set in stone. That just bring me back to WHY? WHY did you guys agree to something you knew you wouldn't adhere to? Even if BM doesn't tell him in advance what her schedule is, why does that mean that HE doesn't hold up his end of the agreement. I want to pull my hair out.
I'm open to people not
I'm open to people not knowing in advance when they work but it's VERY hard for me to believe she doesn't know at least the day before. EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY that FSD is supposed to go to her mom's my s/o has to wait around all day to find out when the exchange will be. Yes it bugs me when they communicate but that's not my point. He's not trying to maximize his time with FSD and neither is BM. She lives with him full time and BM likes it that way and she's very flakey about seeing FSD. He and I live 40 miles from each other. He comes to stay with me the weekends FSD is with her mom. The conversation started because he was trying to figure out when he'd head back home this upcoming Sunday. He wanted to go back around 7pm but he said that he thought it might not work because of BM's schedule. I pointed out that she's kept FSD overnight on Sunday to Monday morning the last few times so I don't think it should be a problem if he wants to pick her up after 7pm. He then (on his own) consulted his custody agreement which says he has to pick her up at 5pm. I said okay then you need to be back before 5pm to which his response was, "I need to talk to BM" and I asked, "But why" and it blew up from there because he thinks it's just about me not wanting them to talk. I realize communication is necessary but I feel like communication as a result of them deviating from the custody agreement is not NECESSARY.
A lot of jobs/careers have
A lot of jobs/careers have set schedules. Otherwise, the term "9-5" wouldn't be so common. I work an 8+ hour job. The only time I don't know when I get off is during the busy season but I'm still scheduled to be there mon-fri 7am-3:30pm with a half hour lunch. Anytime over that I get paid overtime and any time under that I have to use my PTO or paid time off. This is standard for any 8+ hour job. It may vary if you're part time but even part time employees are able to choose their schedule.
When I first got
When I first got separated/divorced, I signed (within reason) whatever needed to be signed to get my ex out of my house. My DH did the same with his ex. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what works and what doesn't. Give this a year or so to work itself out and once the anger at each other dies down, and the focus can be on the kids- schedules CAN be worked out and productive for everyone. I am not saying this happens every time, but you are in this deal very early on and there are going to be growing pains.
They were technically married
They were technically married 6 years. They have been separated FSD's entire life. So it's been three years and they hadn't been living under the same roof for at least four years. The anger has long since passed. BM has ALWAYS agreed to seeing her daughter every other weekend. The only thing that is new is the fact that it's in writing. I don't care about what they agree upon. It just bugs me that they agreed to something that they knew wouldn't work. Which is making them have to communicate. I look at it like this, when I got my job, they told me I would start at 8am. I've been working at the same place for 7 years. They don't need to call me every morning to remind me what time I have to go to work because that's my schedule. I show up when I'm supposed to. So in my mind, if they had just came up with an agreement that worked for them in the first place, everyone could just be where they are supposed to be at the agreed upon time. No need for communication unless there's an emergency or an unforeseen change. Instead of doing that, they agreed on a schedule knowing that it wouldn't work for them which in turn means they always have to work out what is going happen week to week.
BM may or may not be telling
BM may or may not be telling the truth about her schedule and I know we can't do anything about it but that doesn't change my s/o deviating too. He's self-employed so he's not going week after week wondering about his schedule. This whole argument started because HE is deciding to talk to BM about this upcoming Sunday. Rather than just sticking to what the agreement tells him to do.
We basically just agreed to
We basically just agreed to disagree about what "necessary communication" is and I said that this is always going to be a point of contention between the two of us. To which he replied "Well that's a shitty outlook. You're predeterming that you're going to be mad about something that hasn't happened yet." Which blows my mind even more because not only is it happening RIGHT NOW but apparently my outlook is "shitty" because I know myself well enough to be able to apply my feelings now to something that will be the same in the future. I fail understand why basing my feelings on the present instead of what MIGHT happen in the future is a shitty outlook. I am not a magical medium and I can't see the future. I live in the now.
Even if BM has an erratic
Even if BM has an erratic schedule that is HER problem. She has no right to make if YOUR problem.
I know!!! It drives me
I know!!! It drives me bananas that my s/o feels the need to cater to BM's schedule. She is supposed to be a responsible adult right? So why isn't she responsible when she agrees to something that she knows won't work for HER schedule? At no time during the mediation did she say, "but I don't know what my schedule is in advance so I can't possibly tell him a day in advance let alone a week". I know that my s/o can't keep BM from seeing their kid but it's not HIS responsibility to make sure that she's getting her time. It's her's. I was SO happy when the divorce agreement was done. I thought FINALLY BM would be held accountable for being a fair weather mom and there will finally be some repercussions in place when she deviates. Shame on me for thinking that my s/o would have the balls to stick to the agreement even if that meant going against BM's schedule. I'm not asking for them to be at odds. ALL I ask is that that STICK to the agreement they signed OR GO BACK TO COURT and make a new one and STICK TO THAT ONE.
I agree with you
I agree with you wholeheartedly. It is not my problem. However, it becomes my problem when he complains to me about not being able to plan anything yet doesn't stick to the agreement and doesn't stand firm with the ex. He's afraid and I don't know of what. He said in the past that she's threatened to take FSD away but that was over 2 years ago and BM doesn't have a car or a drivers license or money. She doesn't have any friends outside of California and her mom is in Texas but getting to Texas would require transportation and money. All that on top of the fact that she is a fair weather mom and she's not going to do anything that would put her in the position of having to a. be a fugitive and b. raise their kid by herself.
We have a loosey-goosey(ish)
We have a loosey-goosey(ish) custody agreement, and it actually sort of works for us.
BM used to have SD7 M-F, and we used to have her on weekends. Now, that's switched for this schoolyear, so SD7 is with us. Basically we know BM will pick SD7 up at some point Friday evening and drop her off at some point Sunday evening, just like we did when we had her one weekends.
We live in the DC metro area, so traffic is always NUTS. I think setting a time in stone would cause more trouble than it's worth, because someone would always be late. As long as SD7 gets picked up reasonably before her bedtime, it's all good.
I think different custody agreements work for different situations. That said, the "pick two days" arrangement would drive me nuts... and I think kids need more structure than that, too.
But how much communication is
But how much communication is flying while you're waiting for BM to get the child? You said you basically know BM will be there at some point on Friday so I'm assuming you guys aren't texting back and forth or calling each other trying to figure out the time. I live in Los Angeles so I know all about horrible traffic. BM doesn't live that far from my s/o so traffic is not the issue and she doesn't even drive. It's mostly her work schedule which she claims that she doesn't know in advance. So he never knows if or when he'll be doing a hand off. So instead of just sticking to the agreement and he show up they're communicating all day or multiple times during the week in question to figure it out.