OT…Is this Gaslighting?
We argue. Bigger issues here to deal with for me but I don't have the energy to go into them now.
The weekend comes to an end and we part on cordial terms.
Later, I discover that SO has put his clothes in the washer before leaving. All dark colors. I pull out the washing and I find my brand new, white dress in there. It is not a little sock that just found it's way in there without him noticing. It's a dress.
My instinct tells me he has done this on purpose. And if so, that's not even passive aggressive, that's just plain aggressive.
Now, forget the bigger issues for a moment ladies, I know I have some VERY VERY big problems to deal with and a very big decision to make. I'm well on my way to making it.
For now, I just wanted some advice from ladies who have demonstrated on this forum at times that they are much more capable than me of 'playing the game'. Personally, I either come straight out and say stuff or stay silent. And that's not going to work here.
He will of course pretend that he did not notice the dress. And, forgive me for playing games here but I need to know for sure what happened.
I know that the REAL issue here is that he shouldn't even NEED to admit this to me..the mere fact that I suspect it should be enough for me to walk but I am questioning my judgement here. I don't need the laundry stunt to justify my decisions because his behaviour this weekend has been enough to leave me without any shadow of doubt about his deep resentment issues. But I am just curious as to how people would deal with this. In reality, I will probably do nothing about the laundry because it is just a symptom and I have so many more justifications in my head.
But, as much as in pains me to say it because it feels so underhand, if I wanted I DID need/want to trip him up here. How would I do it? Come on ladies (or gents), be creative.
Put those clothes back in the
Put those clothes back in the washer. Start the cycle with hot water and bleach. Wait for him to find time to get his clothes into the dryer. If he says anything, "oops I was washing my white dress "
Bahaha! That is hilarious!
Bahaha! That is hilarious!
Well I agree with lovnlife
Well I agree with lovnlife but geez I really would love you to go with dassia on this.
This is one game you don't want to play with him. Do you seriously think he will say yes, he was really annoyed about the weekend he endured with your kids and his got left out, so to pay you back I thought I'd chuck it in the wash with my dark stuff. Because the reality is, he's setting up another fight. You ask about the dress, he gets offended you could think he'd do that, then he'll get mad because your always accusing him of stuff, then it'll be on.
Years ago my dh told me things about his life of suffering in his first marriage to his evil wife. You know what, towards the end when he really wanted out of that marriage, he started setting her up for arguments. When I asked him why he did that he said no reason. The years have taught me there was a reason.
A. He wanted his kids to blame their mother for the breakdown of the marriage, not him. So he set her up.
B. he didn't want to take responsibility
C. He would get a heap more sympathy and attention for having to leave a woman who all but threw him out, than he would for just up and leaving.
D. Underneath it all, he is far from a strong independent man, hence the need to bully people.
Don't go down that track Sam. Pick your battles. Better yet, pick a new mate
If this was gaslighting, he
If this was gaslighting, he would have told you that it was you who started the load of darks...that you must have just tossed the dress in too. This super passive agressive though. Sorry that you are dealing with this right now
I definitely think there's a
I definitely think there's a chance he did it on purpose to be an ass. But I think that the more likely explanation is that he's a MAN and didn't even look into the washer to see your dress there before dumping in all his clothing. Seriously. On the best of days my DH can be absolutely clueless about something like that and in no way is looking for something to "do to me". It's easy to assume that everything is done to "get you" when you're already on the outs.
Sunflower, she started the
Sunflower, she started the wash after he left. She hadn't at the time of posting said anything to him about the dress. When she does, he will tell her it was all her fault. Then he will play the victim. She's always blaming him. Always picking on him. Hell, it was probably her kids who put the dress in there. But she wouldn't blame her kids would she, no just him. Poor man.
A little more
A little more information....
1. My reference to playing games and tripping him up was not about ruining his laundry or getting revenge, it was simply (simply?) about getting him to admit he knew the dress was there.
2. The dress was not even in the dirty laundry basket, it was folded close by. The only other clothes in the wash were his, that he had worn that weekend and brought down specifically to wash. So there was no question of him just grabbing a big pile from the dirty laundry basket indiscriminately.
I am planning to tell him that his clothes got mouldy because I didn't see them in the washer and they sat there for a week waiting to dry. I will make a joke about none of my stuff getting ruined OR leave my new dress hanging there to see if he will say ; "what about your dress?".
Or alternatively, just pack his stuff, along with my white dress and ship it off to him. The white dress in his suitcase will tell him I know.
He knows you know. . Once
He knows you know. . Once you announce it to him either by shipping it off, or leaving it hanging there, you play the game on his terms. This dress thing was just another of his punishments. He's waiting for you to start the arguement by mentioning the dress so he can tell you how insignificant the loss of your dress was compared to what he suffered all weekend.
If your going to bring the dress up, go in boots and all and tell him you know he did it on purpose, you know it was just another of his punishments, and your done with it. The dress cost X and you want it replaced.
What's he going to do, leave you. If you're afraid he will leave you because he purposely ruined your dress, then you need to look deeper into yourself.
You cannot play games with a narcissist and expect to win. You need to be above game playing and constantly putting the indisputable truth out there. You need to be extraordinaryly strong 24/7. You cannot do what needs to be done if you are afraid of losing him. Perhaps your first course of action is to fix you, not him. Put his well being to one side, and think of yours.
In your original post,you say
In your original post,you say you're curious about how people would deal with this...
I'd be dealing with this by boxing up all his crap, mailing it to him and blocking his calls, texts and emails. The guy is an asshole. We've told you he's an asshole. We've told you he's abusive. You've shared quite a few stories backing up these statements. Your choice was to make 'contracts' with him. How's that working out?
Personally, I don't do abusive relationships. So as this is just another in a by long line of douchebag moves on his part, I wouldn't bother playing any games with the jerk, I'd just get rid of him and all his garbage.
Ask yourself what your real goal is. You know he did it. Is getting him to admit it going to validate something for you so you feel better about telling him to get lost? Are you just fed up with his crap and want some revenge? Do you want him to feel badly over what he's done? Or do you want the drama,the abuse, the mind games, and the constant destruction of your and your kids things to stop?
If you want to see remorse from him, go back to bed and dream. This guy is self-centered to the extreme and he doesn't care when he hurts you. Kinda seems to get off on it a little since it happens so freaking often. If you just want the BS out of your life, then dump his butt without trying to play a game. He's better at the games because he cares less, because he doesn't feel guilt or remorse about hurting your your kids, because it really just is all about him in his world. You will lose. Nothing good will come of it. So do what will bring good and get rid of the creep.
Or you can let this guy change who you are and become a crazy,vindictive, game playing wacko just like him. But I think you might want to model something better for your kids.
I'm too old to play games
I'm too old to play games like this. Take his clothes out of the washer and ship them back to him. Block him from your life and move on.
Why even engage him in this BS? You are (presumably) a grown woman .. act like it. You don't need a man; you certainly don't need this one. Be a better woman for your kids and get rid of this jerk.
What you do with the clothes
What you do with the clothes is not relevant.
Getting rid of him is.
Do not argue or try to explain why you are removing him from your life. You do not have to justify anything. No "you did this so I'm gone."
The only message you need to give him is "I'm done. bye." And then you do not have to ever see or speak to him again. It is ridiculous to try to relive the past and try to make him understand what he did wrong because it does not matter. If you are done you are done.
I have a game playing a$$ of
I have a game playing a$$ of a dh too. Before I get my sh*t jumped again, yes I am leaving him in my time, on my terms thank you very much. But I wish someone would tell me WHY IN THE HELL DOES MY DH PURPOSELY DO THINGS TO HURT ME BUT SAYS THAT HE LOVES ME?????????? Btw, I know he doesn't love me. My EX_HUSBAND LOVED ME!!!
I think it's called control
I think it's called control Jelly.2. Keeping you in your place, levelling you, trying to destroy your self esteem and confidence because he has none of his own. The only way he can control you, keep you, he thinks is to bully you. Your right, he doesn't love you, you don't destroy the confidence and self respect of people you love. If you love someone, truly love someone, you want the best for them, you want them to be the best person they can possibly be. You want to be the air on which they can open their wings and fly. I know this because I truly loved dh. I wanted his happiness and well being more than anything. I would have done anything to make his world a better place. It took 8 years of him allowing his daughter to practically destroy me to wake up to the fact that dh didn't love me, not truly. He was too self absorbed to really love another. He was always looking out for himself. What he wanted, what was in it for him etc., but he didn't want to lose me, so he destroyed my self esteem day by day. Lucky I found some new bigger and better self esteem. Well perhaps better and more correct to say, thank God.
Yes, you are right, I
Yes, you are right, I believe. Dh isn't happy inside and he can't stand it that I am. Despite his issues, I am a happy person. I love life and I am grateful for each day that God lets me wake up!
Where dh used to pick me apart to lower my self-esteem, now he is more direct-he PURPOSELY MAKES IT A POINT TO STARE AT< TALK TO< FLIRT WITH other women in front of me. His most recent stunt was to invite his ex to our house. WTF!!
But, I wont say another word about it...talking to him about it changes nothing(except he does it more) and it's the same thing as cyring to him and begging him to stop(I'm not about to).
Fighting fire with fire, I have invested in some additional tank tops and tiny shorts and I wear them everywhere...to walk the dog, go out with friends, go to the gym, go to my art classes...(aint trying to brag but I'm built like a brick sh*t house) Dh recently told me to change my shirt(see thru and too tight he says). I say "Nope, I bought this shirt because I like it and I'm a grown woman so I can where it wherever I want. Bye now."
Boy, does standing up for myself piss him off. If I were concerned about saving this marriage, I would try counseling, but I am resigned to the fact that I will leave instead.