Favortism?
Do any of you deal with your children saying you treat the step kids better than your own? My SS, 13, and SD, 15 visit every other weekend, and sometimes more during the week during summer break. My own children (two daughters, 12 and 17) accuse me of being nicer to the others. Yes, I am nice to them and feel pretty close to them and try to love and treat them the same but I don't have to correct them like I do mine. They don't live here full time but when they are here, I want them to feel comfortable and happy. There have never been any REAL issues that I would have had to correct anyhow. I do overlook some things but nnothing major. If their dad is here he handles it. If he is at work I take care of them but I'm not the mom. My kids think I'm harder on them, and maybe I am, but I'm their full time mom. What am I doing wrong? I get along great with my kids until those weekends when the stepkids are here, then sunday afternoon I get the guilt trip. "You saw them fighting and you didn't say anything." (It was an arguement and SS called SD retarded. A bad word in my house.But DH wasnt here) "They didn't have to do any chores this weekend." (I asked my youngest to clear the table. I dont think ANYONE else helped me this weeked AT all). I know its not a big deal cause I've seen some of your problems on here, and wow. I've been a stepmom for just a little over two years now and maybe I shouldnt worry about it. just feeling kind of blah right now.
You're not doing anything
You're not doing anything wrong. It sounds like your kids are rather jealous that you "like" other kids who aren't them...
Just remind them that you love them and that you are the full time parent responsible for how they turn out, and you want them to be great adults!
Personally, I think they're just trying to pull at your heart strings...I mean, WHAT kind of mother is nicer to kids who aren't hers?!?
You maybe right. I'm starting
You maybe right. I'm starting to think my kids may be a little spoiled. haha. But they arent spoiled with things just love. that can't be wrong, can it? haha. Ive got a pretty good situation. Some marriage problems, but all four kids are great and thank god they don't direct the jealousy toward each other. They only vent to me about it. Kind of stressful for me, but the steps don't see it or know about it. Do stepmoms EVER feel that they are doing things right? Ugh.
Nope. First, you aren't nice
Nope.
First, you aren't nice enough to the steps.
Then you're too nice.
Your kids may be spoiled with a little more than love, but I think that's ok, too. I know mine are spoiled, with both love and stuff. It could be better, could be worse. They're all good kids, though, so at least they don't make me regret it.
I've had SD tell me she thought I favored the bios over her, and my bios have said the same about her. I think it's much like a nuclear family. You know, the baby always gets favored and the baby thinks the older ones are favored because they get to do everything.
No winning.
whew. that's the life of a
whew. that's the life of a mom, isn't it? too nice or not nice enough? And yes, oh yes, the "baby".....you don't know know how many times I've heard that! haha!
I'm still betting on winning though. I just have to make it happen for all four as well as me and DH.
Well it doesn't matter what
Well it doesn't matter what we think. But it does matter what "your" kids think. As for the fight, would it really have hurt you to say, hey, we don't use that word in our house. That's not discipline them its just telling them you don't accept the use of that word. As for chores, well if its a chore free weekend for the skids, make it a chore free weekend for all the kids, that way they are all bring treated equally. If your youngest was asked to clear the table, then perhaps the youngest skid could've taken some trash out. I think if your kids are expressing this then something has to be done. The last thing you want is to breed resentment in your kids towards the steps. You have to see this through kids eyes. If your kids are seeing this, then the steps are seeing it too. You will breed some trouble here, nothing surer.
I'm not saying your doing anything wrong through the eyes of an adult, with the exception of the retard word which I do think you should have addressed there and then, I agree the bio parent should deal with their kids discipline. But as you are the one fishing out chores, it really has to be fair. It can't be a normal routine weekend when the steps are there. Because the routine is broken already just by the fact that their there. You need the wisdom of Solomon with kids. So glad mine have grown up.
youre right, I should have
youre right, I should have said something. I kind of knew that when it happened. I know my kids saw on my face that I heard it but I tried to act like I didn't. And I wouldn't have asked my youngest to clear the table but they were the only one left in the dining room with me at the time. So it wasnt really a "chore" (at least not in my eyes) just "hey can you grab the stuff off the table and take it to the sink"?
I do feel guilty for my kids. I think I'm kind of a pushover sometimes anyhow. But then I feel guilty because the steps have to live without their dad on a daily basis too. Like I said its normally a happy household except for the every other Sunday night guilt.
I've GOT to learn to speak up where they are concerned. Thanks.
Ummmm....a tween and a
Ummmm....a tween and a teenager.....of course they are going to find something wrong. It's the nature of kids that age. Also they are probably resentful of the fact that they have to share you with the skids. You aren't doing anything wrong.
Personally, I am not in the habit of explaining myself to kids. Ever. All that "You saw them fighting and you didn't say anything." and "They didn't have to do any chores this weekend." Would not fly in my house. But that's just me.
I think that maybe the point,
I think that maybe the point, "Resentful". But on the outside they all get along great. You maybe right too, I should not have to have my children question me. They see their own father almost every day if only for a few minutes. I just have to find some balance. My kids have rules in this house. The "house" rules should go for everyone though.
Yes you are responsible for
Yes you are responsible for raising your children to be decent adults while you are powerless to do the same with skids.
Part of the problem may be
Part of the problem may be that you care about the adults your kids will be, but not your stepkids. - that sounds so wrong, but you are so right.
Have you sat down with your
Have you sat down with your DD's and chatted to them about *why* you are so nice to them? Asked your DD's to put themselves in the SK's shoes and imagine walking into this home and feeling excluded from 'the family'?
I have a similar situation to yours, no major issues between my DD11, DS9, DS7 and SD3, they get along great. I am super nice to the cute as a button 3yo and give her a lot of attention when she is with us 1.5 days a week.
A while back I sat my kids down and talked to them about how I was going to be nice to the (then 2yo) and that I hoped they could understand that was b/c I wanted her to feel comfortable safe and secure when she visits her dad and we're all there. I was also very lucky to draw on real life experiences, my kids have a stepmom, stepbrother and half sister, and their dad and stepmom treated them with the same love and care they did the other kids. My kids haven't shown any signs of jealousy yet, but I do keep my eyes open for it and I will make sure I do something to make them feel special too
Whoa! My daughter came and
Whoa! My daughter came and apologized to me this morning, which lead into a good talk between me and both of them. I explained my feelings and told them my concerns. She claims its not jealousy but more like she feels sad to see me trying so hard with everyone all the time. I think we all maybe suffering from PMS right now to. haha. I guess we'll all grow into this family at some point. Now I need to stop worring about the kids so much and focus on my marriage
Thanks for everyonesinput.