So mad right now...
So, when DH got home, he was on the phone with my MIL. SD14 had been with her and BM on and off all week, as there was a church camp type thing that SD14 attended every other day. When she wasn't at the camp, she was at BM's, and MIL would pick her up from there to arrange for her to be at the camp.
Well, turns out that while at BM's, SD14 snuck out of the house again, was cutting again (she hasn't done that in quite a while), spread all kinds of lies over the internet (we haven't seen them first hand), etc. DH talked to SD14 on the phone as she was with my MIL, and it sounded like SD14 fessed up to it all, as she knew she had been caught. But get this...DH is not planning on punishing her at all! REALLY? I heard him talking to my MIL, "What is important right now is that I let her know that I still trust her." WHAT? I surely don't trust her. Is he kidding me? DH's own mother tried to remind him that she is a good actor (she is in theater, etc.). I also pointed out to him that I've noticed she is a different person based on who she is with...she is one way when she is alone with me, she is a completely different person when he is around, she is even a different person around her grandmother, and then there is the person she is around BM. He tried to say, "That is all just being a kid...being a 14 year old." I told him I understand that kids can be different around different people, but SD14 takes it to the extreme like I've seen in no other kids...she has the multiple people that she can be based on who she is with to gain the trust and the approval of that person. I think the only two of us that see a similar person ever are me and BM, as she has the worst attitudes with us.
Also, while she was out, I went in her bathroom to put some cleaner on her toilet to let it soak, as I noticed with BD22 was in town that the toilet was totally gross. When I lifted the seat, I saw bits of what looked like food/vomit, so now I am more sure than ever that she has been purging.
I am so upset right now, my stomach is in knots. There is so much more, that I can't even type here, but there are even worse things than these going on right now. Let's just say that SD14 has single handedly brought the entire family into turmoil...really turmoil. Most of it has to do with a series of lies she has told as of late that have a few people really hurt and upset.
And DH will not punish her! UGH! That is what gets me! There needs to be something done...SOMETHING. This kids is mentally screwed up, and I have no trust. I can't leave her alone in my house, that is for sure. I can't see how DH can trust her spending the night anywhere. She needs some sort of treatment, this I am certain, but no one will get it for her. I know her mom has been diagnosed with mental issues, and is on several meds to just be normal, and I can't help if SD14 has inherited any of that crap, but DH refuses to admit that there is anything wrong beyond his control. All he says is "pray about it, and it will be okay". I'm a person of faith and all, but I also understand that people have free will. If prayer was all it took, we would have no mentally unstable people in this world, as I can promise you everyone has someone praying for them...a grandmother, a mom, someone. I don't get how he can be so calm about all of this! He sits there and tells me to smile...it will be okay. I tell him I can't...that is not me...I'm a realist. When I've had a crappy day of work (which involves working late), and he comes home to tell me that his car is broken and the dealer can't find his warranty (and I know we don't have the money to fix what they think is wrong with it, and since he still owes on the car...owes way more than what it is worth...we can't just get another one), THEN drops the bomb on me about all the crap that has been going the last week with SD14 that he is just now finding out about...no, I'm not going to smile and pretend that everything is going to be okay! Even disengaged, it is all just way too much, because this child is still in my home, so I have to worry! I can't have a bottle of wine in the fridge, and next I know, I'm going to have to hide all the knives. On top of that, I have to deal with the constant attitude and total disregard for the fact that this is my how by SD14. All the while, DH is sitting there saying he still trusts her. No, I'm not going to smile!
I agree. She needs a mental
I agree. She needs a mental health evaluation, not punishment.
Cutting as in cutting
Cutting as in cutting herself. I understand that she shouldn't be punished for the cutting, but there should be some sort of punishment for the lies and sneaking out of the house. Even if it is something like locking the phone back down (which I never though should have been unlocked in the first place) and taking away unsupervised internet privileges. But DH is not planning on doing either! I'm pretty sure if she snuck out, that there was also pot involved, as that is typically what she would sneak out of BM's house to go do...pot or alcohol.
I agree..the child needs help for the other things, but no one wants to get it for her, and my hands are tied. So, I'm basically in this house with a ticking time bomb! The whole thing scares me, as I work from home and I'm the one alone with her during the day. I can't be her babysitter, and I shouldn't be asked to be! I know it is a pretty drastic step, but I would go so far as to say that she needs to be in some sort of facility that can help deal with these types of things...go through the full gammet of things to find out what, if any, medical mental issues she may have. BM is diagnosed bipolar, so it is very possible that SD14 can develop this illness. When BM is off of her meds, she also exhibits crazy, erratic behavior and basically lives in her world. SD14 is much the same way...always seeing things different than they really are. Everything is attack against her.
Even on our mini-vacation a couple of weeks ago. Seriously, all of the kids were getting on my last nerve, even the grown up ones. BD22 was having issues with her boyfriend, and because she was mad, she was being a total b***h to everyone. BS18 was having attitude with me. Then, SD14 went into super attitude mode! I mean, I understand that everyone was on edge, as the trip did not go as planned...our day of fun ended up not being a day of fun because of a bunch of things that were totally beyond our control, but no one was happy about it. The morning we were leaving, none of the kids would get out of bed and get moving, and we had a deadline to be checked out. Naturally, I was getting frustrated. I addressed all of them at once to get moving...didn't single anyone out. SD14 totally went off on me! When DH confronted her about it, she complained that I was getting on her case when the others weren't doing anything either. DH had to correct her that I never singled her out, that I addressed everyone when I said that they needed to get their butts in gear...he was right there in the room when I got on to them. But no, it was me yelling at her, as is always the case where she is concerned.
She hasn't been at home since our mini-vacation...between BM's, my MIL's and her cousin's house...and in the midst of it all, now she has managed to hurt everyone in some way with the lies that she has been telling in the last few days. But like I said...there will be no action...another "talk" and then some more "talking". I get that there are some real issues here, and DH does not. But I also get that with those issues there is behavior that needs to be addressed, and a child like her should not have free phone and internet privileges, because that is only helping her continue the bad behaviors by keeping her in contact with the people she should not be...the people that can supply her the pot, the people that turned her on to cutting in the first place (she has lots of severely emo friends...I mean the kind of emos that are into the cutting, drugs, suicide talk, etc.). She needs to be cut off from these people, as they are only fanning the flames!
The next time you discover
The next time you discover her hacking away at herself don't call your husband. Dial 911. She may be put on a psychiatric hold. The hospital will assign her a social worker and case manager. If your husband won't acknowledge this situation it may take a drastic measure to hold his feet to the fire.
Oh, I can promise, if I catch
Oh, I can promise, if I catch her, I will be calling 911. I don't know if anyone had actually caught her in the act, or if they just find the cuts after the fact. It always seems to happen at BM's, and she simply tells DH that sd14 has done it...not how she found out. And BM obviously isn't doing anything about it other than expecting DH to fix it! As it is, I keep an inventory of the kitchen knives and such, so I will suspect if she is hiding one in her room. I also regularly check under the sink in the bathroom for anything that seems off...you know, like she has been out of lady product for two months now, but hasn't asked us to buy any in forever. Not having periods is also a symptom of an eating disorder!
Sorry, but while your husband
Sorry, but while your husband has his head in the sand waiting for everything to magically right itself, this poor kid is not going to get well. I feel sorry for her and you. Your husband is taking a nice little break for himself on planet denial and if you, his daughter and the entire family suffer for it. His attitude, it's not my fault. So very sorry. I agree time to take this outside the family and call 911 or tell the school or your doctor. Whatever it takes to help yourself and her. Dh isn't going to budge as long as this is kept within the family.
SD14 went to a therapist for
SD14 went to a therapist for a short time when all the super craziness started. She was living with BM at the time, and SD14's antics had caused the school to bring child services into the fold. Neither BM nor DH went to any of the sessions with her...her stepdad took her. DH at the time was upset that he didn't have a say in the therapist, but never actually went to meet the woman. Supposedly, SD14 would just sit there the whole time with an attitude and not say anything. She finally told BM that she didn't want to go any more, and that was that...she stopped going.
That was before the cutting started, but the lying was in full force. The cutting started shortly after that. The eating/purging issues started about a year ago. No one listens or does anything! I swear it is like they are afraid of her! They are afraid if the put their foot down, she won't love them any more. You are always at risk of your teenager hating you, and you can't use that as an excuse to not parent!
Child services has been
Child services has been involved more than once, and each time hey come back with no conclusive findings of anything, so they close the case. You would think after multiple calls, especially from someone like her school, that they would realize that something is up. Child services really sucks in this area...I swear they won't really do something until a child lands in the hospital or is dead!
I have tried to get DH to listen, but then I'm always made out to be the bad guy...told that I don't see SD14 as one of my own kids, that for some reason I don't like her, etc. I argue back that DH doesn't treat the situation as if she were one of my own kids...that if he really wanted her treated as one of my own kids, then I need to have some say when she is in this house! That means, if I have a suspicion, then DH should be equally concerned enough to investigate. It means that before unlocking her phone, I'm consulted about it to see if I feel she is ready to have those privileges back! It means that when she tries to get in my face and argue with me, that DH stands up for me and puts his foot down and let her know that we are a united front! But he doesn't...so I'm always made to look like the b***h, and he always gets to look like the hero.
My one saving grace right now is that my MIL's eyes have been open, so now there is a blood relative that is telling DH that this child needs help! I could hear him pretty much trying to give his mom the brush off last night when they were discussing everything on the phone, but I know this woman...she will not back down. And after all the people SD14 recently hurt with her lies...yeah, you can add my sister-in-law and her fiancee to that list of people who will rally behind my MIL until something is done.
Leaving is definitely on the table, it just isn't a good time. BS18 is going into his senior year of high school, and right now, there is no one here in town that I could stay with where he could stay in school. That is very important to me, as this is a big year for him. Luckily, between work, school, sports, etc., he is hardly home to see the madness. I also make it a point to still be there for all of his games and other functions, and even have some mother/son time when he lets me (you know how teens are). School starts in a few weeks, then the clock starts ticking. DH has until the end of the school year to wake up, because when there is nothing else tying me here, all options are open.
When I was just about her age
When I was just about her age I was not a cutter but was a purger and lost so much weight and my mom did nothing. Luckily someone else in my church took it upon herself to guide me and talk to me about things and I slowly came past that stage. It's definitely a cry for help and help you or your DH must get her. My best friend did the same things and she ended up in the hospital almost dead before he parents knew what to do and what was going on b/c purgers are very private and their cry is silent. Getting the help for her might seems dramatic and exposing, but it will give her a better quality of life if you catch it early. If she goes for two or more years it'll become life threatening for her. Best with this one I envy no parent who faces a daughter with this emotional issue. It truly is a psychological disability and needs professional care.
Well, DH is going to the
Well, DH is going to the extreme again with this situation. His theory is that SD14's recent antics are because she wants attention. Well, yeah, I could have told him that! I mean, if SD14 is not the absolute center of attention, she acts out. We are talking about the girl who does not care what she does, as long as she is on a stage! Dance, theater, choir...she has been known to be in all at once at school. Dance used to be her big thing, but since she made color guard and has a new stage, dance has quickly become a thing of the past...she doesn't even stretch any more (and she did dance for two years and was bugging everyone to put her in this expensive dance class). Now, don't get me wrong, this child gets plenty of attention. DH always asks her to come out to the family room to watch stuff with us, and we usually watch things she wants to watch (which irritates me sometimes, because there are things I want to watch...I've just learned to DVR it, and watch it some other time). She goes with us everywhere (and most of the time, she can always talk DH into buying her something), we have always gone to all of her functions, etc. With my son's schedule, she is usually the only kid at home, so she has her dad's undivided attention. SHE chooses to go close herself off in her room (but most teenagers do) in the evenings.
Well, since all the stuff came to light of the past weeks, DH has gone into overdrive mode! Basically, he is rewarding SD14's bad behavior! Now, as I said, I understand not punishing for the cutting...that is an issue that she needs profession help for (which DH will not seek out). However, something should have been done to address the lying and sneaking out...phone lock down, internet privs revoked, etc. Nope none of these! Instead, DH is waiting on SD14 hand and foot basically...taking her dishes to the kitchen and washing them for her (including the dishes she has in her bedroom, which is against the house rules anyway). When it is time to turn in for the night, I end up falling asleep alone as he hangs out in her room with her talking (yet, she didn't want to come out and talk to him all evening). Last night, he tried to talk me into going in and tucking her in like she were 5, and I just walked away to our bedroom! I will not feed into this! She needs to learn that this bad behavior is NOT how you get attention, especially when you already get more attention than most well-adjusted kids! The world does not revolve around her! How does he expect her to survive out in the real world? What is she going to do when the real world doesn't revolve around her? He doesn't realize that he is only hurting her by showering her with positive attention when she acts badly, and not getting her help for her issues!
Yes she does need to learn
Yes she does need to learn bad behaviour does not get attention. But her dad needs to learn that lesson first. Doesn't matter what you do, while he is handling it like this, it's only going to get worse, sorry.