Balance between tattling and intervening
DH and I take different stances on this pretty often. I try to teach the skids not to tattle .. they often come out "SD5 won't let me change the TV channel" or "SD7 won't share the yellow marker".
To me, that is tattling.
Sometimes I walk past their room and I see SD7 push SD5 off the bed because "she's touching my pillow". I intervene here, because I think one of them could potentially get hurt.
DH thinks this sends mixed signals. He thinks if I'm teaching them not to tattle, and then intervening when they try to work it out themselves, that I'm sending them mixed signals and giving them no outlet to resolve their issue.
I've tried explaining to him that they should not be allowed to tattle over stupid little thing .. but that does not mean they are allowed to physically hurt each other either. Resorting to violence is not "working it out themselves".
Any ideas on how you draw the line between the two? How did/would you explain this to a parent like my DH?
I am so glad I read this--one
I am so glad I read this--one huge painful problem is the tattling-the twins tell the bf everything-and the most pitiful things-constantly getting my children in trouble, is like they think the bf is the ruler and he is so quickly to save the day and his excuse because my son is 9 and they are 6 but that is how it starts and leads to a huge fight between me and him. Is crazy and what upsets me the most is they want whatever my son has or they want to play with whatever he has, is crazy and I never thought until now is the tattle tale that causes something so small to something so huge and the twins witness it and is like they do it on purpose because they feel like is a competition. I just get that vibe from them is weird. But above all is so sad because is ruining my relationship, is amazing but I even started to think about leaving him because of them. I will honestly feel okay that I will never see them again. And I am so heartbroken and feel guilty to feel that way but I do....
Its a fine line for sure and
Its a fine line for sure and not something that you will work out in one conversation. I try and tell my son4 to try and work it out on his own first. If he can't work it out and feels like he is getting frustrated to the point that he will use misbehavior to solve it then that is the time to come get a grown up to help. If someone is doing something dangerous or is in danger he is to go to an adult immediately.
When he comes to me with a complaint/gripe I always ask him questions to see what he's done to try and work it out. If he hasn't done his best, I remind d him of his "tools" to resolve conflict sand send him to work it out on his own.
When the issue blows up and gets out of hand..
Make them each tell you what they could have done differently to resolve the problem without it escalating. You'll be surprised how often they knew exactly what they should have done but chose not to. And if they honestly can't think of what they could have done differently that where you give them suggestions on how to handle it better next time. But you really need to insist that they each admit where they contributed to the problem, don't let them blame the other entirely.
Hmmm... It sounds like you
Hmmm...
It sounds like you need to create a policy on tattling.
*MY* policy is as follows: (this is for my kids, their cousins, and friends)
I expect the children in my care to learn to deal with other people on their own. If you can't figure out how to deal with a problem without parental intervention then how will you ever learn to deal with problems? So.... if there is no blood, broken bones, or fire.... I do not listen.
Period.
HOWEVER, if *___I___* catch you being physical to someone else then *__WE__* will have problems.
SM, if I were you I would tell your husband that there is a difference between "working things out" between themselves and physical violence. Girls are NOT boys. Girls do NOT succeed by being physically violent with other GIRLS. There is ZERO tolerance for physical violence between siblings. If you dare to harm your sibling and are LUCKY enough for me to see it.... then that isn't tattling that is bad luck!
To 1HeartSpace.....it sounds like your BF needs a lesson in tattling. I would give him a taste in it. One day when your SK's are there spend every waking moment tattling on them until your BF gets the point. VERY immature but it creates a point. When (this had better NOT be an "if") he gets fed up with it make your point clear. Furthermore, I would tell the twins they may NOT play with your BS or ANY of his toys if they are going to tattle. The first time they tattle tell them to leave BS's room and his toys and not to associate with him again that day. Be consistent. They'll stop.
Kate
How do you expect these
How do you expect these children to magically learn appropriate behavior without an adult guiding them? All that does is allow poor behavior and choices to continue. At 4 and 6 years old the OP's skids obviously need more guidance than just don't break any bones.
Yes, and I think that's the
Yes, and I think that's the balance we're struggling with. He is more of a "come tell me everything and I'll show you how to handle it" whereas I fall more to the "work it out amongst yourselves" side.
I need to be better at guiding them in the right direction and building their "tool set", and I think DH needs to be better at teaching them how to put those tools to use.
Thanks Peanuts
When it's physical. I agree
When it's physical. I agree you intervene. You not allowing them to push each other is fair reasonable and right. Whether it be just shoving each other or pushing off the bed, you should intervene. The message your sending is keep your hands to yourself. Telling tales is another matter. Telling you Freddie is playing with the matches is a good thing, you need to know. The yellow marker, or the tv channel, well get over it and learn to deal with life's dissapointments. 1st world problems are a bitch aren't they
THIS You got involved in an
THIS
You got involved in an effort to keep one ofvthem from getting hurt.
I think everyone's problem
I think everyone's problem with that situation was that the kids were SET UP to race in a very small confined space, and you only raised the issue about it being so dangerous AFTER someone got shoved (who just so happened to be your DD).
I think you explained it
I think you explained it perfectly smto2. If they can they should be trying to navigate these issues on their own-however once someone resorts to physical violence it is time for a parent to step in and role model or show them an appropriate way to settle conflict. I don't think violence is ever good, whether boys or girls.
We always had a no tattling rule as well. MY ss was king of the tattlers. He would make things up to tattle about. He was constantly trying to get my kids in to trouble-I can only speculate it was because his behavior was so bad and he was always in trouble and he would try and level the playing field so to speak. When kids tattle and you as a parent get involved-it almost always means taking a side. This is not a healthy thing for any of the kids in the house. For example if they are fighting over a crayon and you give the crayon to ss because you gave it to ds last time (seems perfectly logical in your mind)-then both ss and ds will perceive it as you taking ss's side. My other rule for tattling was it you are arguing over a thing-crayon, video games, etc-then I will simply put that thing up so that it will not create further arguments. if you come tattling because they stuck their tongue out and so you called them a poopy head well, then I'm simply going to separate the two of you and you can play quietly by yourselves in your room. Make sure that they tattling is never rewarded. This worked pretty well for awhile, but what ss learned to do is after his turn on the game he would begin arguing with ds about it so that I would end up putting it away-he didn't really have the expectation that I'd take his side but he'd get the satisfaction that he got a turn and my ds didn't. Eventually what happened is that my ds just stopped playing with ss. Just a natural consequence.