How do you disengage when you are a SAHM?
I am a SAHM for SS8 and 3 bio children (DH and my bio children). DH is military and is gone all the time. We have full custody of SS and live overseas so I don't have family or anyone.
I (we really) have been having problems with SS. He is acting out, being disrespectful, un hygienic, violent towed the other kids, troublesome at school and just very unlovable. He has lived with us for years and we have always had a hard time with his behavior. It's like he is socially awkward and doesn't mesh well with anyone. I am at my wits end and am extremely stressed out to the point where I think I need profecinal help to keep my sanity. I told DH that I cannot handle SS behavior and it was making me unhappy having to deal with him all the time and he got so mad at me.
I want to disengage but I don't know how. He is ony 8 so he cannot cook and DH is often not home for meals. I care about SS and I don't want him to starve to death and spend hours alone in his room everyday but I don't want to deal with him anymore until he stops his crap. Summer is coming and I am dreading him being home 24/7. He has No friends that will have him over so he will be home 100% of the summer.
So tell me the best way to disengage without SS being neglected please.
If things have reached the
If things have reached the point where, as you put it "you need professional help to keep my sanity" you may have to consider telling DH he has to get himself discharged from the military to meet his obligations to his son - unless he can make other arrangements such as the boy going to live with his mother.
I am in the UK and and do not know how this works in the US military, but I am sure one of the members on here such as dtzyblnd - who have direct military experience - could advise you.
You really can't disengage from him, at his age, unless there is someone else to take care of his needs.
ROTFLMAO I can just picture
ROTFLMAO I can just picture her DH going to his CO and saying he knows he signed a contract but he needs to break it because his wife wants to disengage. Oh and while the CO is at it please make it an honorable discharge so DH can find employment elsewhere. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. Besides that who will watch SS when DH is working his new job (assuming he finds one)???
TO OP: It sounds like your SS may benefit from counciling. Have you looked on the Autism/Asperger sites to see if he fits the criteria or have him checked for ODD? There is something seriously wrong with an 8 year old that has NO FRIENDS. Can you send him to a day camp or some other type of activity? You didn't say what his contact with BM is like or was like. Could this be due to problems with her or has something else happened to him in the past?
"Besides who will watch SS
"Besides who will watch SS when DH is working his new job?" I don't really think that is going to be foremost of OP's concerns if she has been driven to a nervous breakdown by a violent, out of control child who is not her son.
Sorry Kes, it wasn't a
Sorry Kes, it wasn't a personal attack on you. I was just pointing out that DH leaving the military (if it were only that easy) was not really going to change much and possibly make things worse since DH will still have to work and she will still be responsible for SS. Their income will most likely go down (again IF he finds a job) and the money situation will cause OP more stress. So while it sounds good in the short term it may not really be feasible in the long term.
When Obama made that promise
When Obama made that promise and got elected he LIED! Shocking I know and I am sure you don't believe me but here is a true story. My brother is stationed in Minot, ND. Everyone on that base that had just received their new orders had those orders rescinded and instead of being transferred to a different stateside base or staying at Minot for another tour they were given new orders that they were going to Afghanistan. Talk about a lot of pissed off Airmen. Some of those airmen died in Afghanistan and Obama is still sending them there. He brings some troops home but he replaces them with new ones.
Yay someone brought this
Yay someone brought this up!
I agree, we've had so many dinners where we would all discuss whether he'd be re-elected or not. EVERYONE, even the liberal of the liberals said No--One-timer only. Then the "capture" happened. I said watch him get re-elected now. Still 50-50 room because the other 50 theorized there would be "maintenance"--no one pulls out just like that. Well now we know the end of that conversation--re-elected. I think it's dangerous to talk from two sides of your mouth. We still have people out there, it's not rosy. Thanks for bringing that up
I worry every day that the
I worry every day that the liar in chief is going to send my brother to his death. I was also not happy when Obama did not pay our military for three weeks but he, as well as congress, still collected their paychecks.
Sorry I am part of a military family and I am so fed up with losing friends in Iraq and Afghanistan. I am blessed that my siblings and my nephews keep coming home.
Good news indeed!
Good news indeed!
yes!
yes!
It gets buried. Our military
It gets buried. Our military does not get the respect it deserves or was shown in WWII. It's a shame but that is how it is. We no longer elect former service members as president although former military service should be required to be commander in chief of our armed forces. How do you lead a military when you know nothing about it?
Lots of military people have spoken up and out about how we are still sending people to Iraq and Afghanistan. Right now I am fostering a dog for a soldier that just got out of basic training several months ago. He came home for four days and dropped off his dog and got his affairs in order because his first set of orders has him deployed to Kuwait and then on to either Iraq or Afghanistan, he didn't know which for sure and couldn't say if he did.
OP:Sorry for hijacking your post. I didn't mean to.
Not when it first happened.
Not when it first happened. They may be going to Guam now but not after Obama made his promises. Also they were still sending to Afghanistan last year.
My brother was even told his orders were being changed and to get ready for Afghanistan. He did not go at the last minute but his roommate did and several airmen came home in body bags from Afghanistan.
ETA:I am fostering a dog for a soldier which is ARMY and I can assure you he was sent to Kuwait not Guam.
When he said he was going to
When he said he was going to stop sending troops over there if he got elected and that he would bring them home but he got elected and instead sent more out than were coming back that looks like a lie to me. I am just calling him out on what he said and what he did being the exact opposite. He lied. I get that you support him and think he does no wrong but he is a human that has many failings and faults.
Well lets not call it a "lie"
Well lets not call it a "lie" but let's say it was a good "campaign tactic to get re-elected".
There still are troops there till they withdraw; however, in every aftermath of war, there's always "support troops" left behind. Guam is kinda like a springboard location though. It's quite like the philippines bases in the pacific. Which leaves me to question, would there be a need to be 'reboot' them back into action at a certain point? It's a scary thought I'm sure for people that still have family out there. If poster is currently in that timezone, it must be tough on her & on her skid. Especially since I knew of only one therapist there & she was an Expat.
Unfortunately, it's true.
Unfortunately, it's true. Even in springboard countries, the US didn't close down some bases until the 90s (from WW2!!) The upkeep alone was too much. There's no way it has ever been done quickly.
I really wonder where this posters from, she probably went to sleep by now if she's on that part of the world. I couldn't even imagine doing this alone without therapy for skid.
I sent her a PM. I hope she
I sent her a PM. I hope she is ok and gets some help. It's hard not knowing where she is to point her in a detailed direction. Another thought is if she can't find a therapist there to see about phone or skype with someone back in the states. Also not knowing what her base is like and what they offer so you just toss everything out there. I know in Germany they used to have some awesome support systems for spouses and families. They also used to have a lot of social organizations to help. I don't know if they still do because no one I know has been deployed there in the last 15 years.
LOL I knew we had active
LOL I knew we had active bases and everything but back when my BIL's were there they had a lot of activities set up by individual service members as opposed to being set up by the base itself. If that makes sense.
No one mentioned war
No one mentioned war profiteering. Obama promised to bring our soldiers home. I guess you are right, he is so wonderful to bring them home. Obama just didn't mention he would be replacing them with other soldiers. Oh wait he said he would reduce our soldiers and bring them home. He said he would not send any more soldiers over to Iraq and Afghanistan. Yes he LIED!
MamaSewsAlot, sorry you're
MamaSewsAlot, sorry you're going through this. RealityCheckMom is acknowledging something I think is important. He probably feels a little displaced. BM or dad barely around & really whenever a father puts on a uniform whether it's state, civil or armed forces, it instinctively puts a "bit more on the table" for anyone they are close to (when skid was 10 he used to always worry for his dad---turns out he has PTSD from what DH did for a living before retiring & from BM just being abusive & nuts).
Maybe therapy, making him more self sufficient but helping him feel safe would probably be more important than disengaging at this moment till you & DH have many long talks about his behavioral probs & how to approach them. Hope your DH understands it. But you should get others opinions on this because some are veterans of disengagement. I just know what's right for me.
And 8 year olds can operate a microwave. My own BD was very self sufficient when young though we doted on her. She supposedly had ADD back then but no way was I going to put her on meds so we kept her really busy gymnastics, music lessons, tutors--had I known about therapy back then, I would have put her in. She's a hard working wonderful woman now with step siblings & SM that looked out for her too.
Our skid was/is still a real problem but so much better now with 8 months of therapy. Started 2x week (one solo & one with me/DH) & now 1x solo but DH takes him & joins at end of session. Let me tell you how much that made a difference. In over a month, he hasn't stolen anything from me, throw smart ass insults, no meltdowns & for the first time in a year, he actually made friends so he's not so afraid to join a summer soccer league---he even said 'Thank you' to me last week after we got back from court w/his BM!!!! I nearly fell over.
I was stuck with that gawd awful teen brat ALL LAST summer dealing with him & his crazy BM & DH was barely around cause busy season for his business. After that I disengaged or there would have been a homicide, DH & him! Ok make that 3---BM ugh! We'll see what happens this summer but just in case, I have a getaway option this summer---or I'd be a nervous wreck this season. Good luck
I just reread you're overseas
I just reread you're overseas now! Heck you must feel displaced too. And no BM. Where are you overseas? That puts a diff spin on it, you can't disengage now. At least not now that's for sure. Therapy for you & him. I go to therapy too for myself away from DH & Skid. It's for me.
If I recall from another
If I recall from another thread you are Navy and in Japan, right?
I'll assume you are at the major naval base there south of Tokyo, not the smaller one north.
I can't help you much with disengaging, though I did get a good laugh at your response to your husband getting out. That was amusing. Do you live on the main base or I or N? Personally, given some of your issues I'd put him in MWR's day camp program for the summer and then reevaluate. It'll get him out of your hair. The one on Y & I are big and never fill; I don't know about the one on N.
I'm posting because of your mention of professional help. USE IT!! Get him an appointment with his primary and ask for a referral to the shrinks. Because of his age they'll get him into one who specializes in children.
Kate
Or in Okinawa. Also, when we
Or in Okinawa.
Also, when we lived overseas you could not get your kid into a daycare/camp unless both parents worked. Those slots were reserved for active duty.
AWESOME!!! I knew someone on
AWESOME!!! I knew someone on here would know what was available.
Sad that our servicemen have higher divorce statistics.
...back to the OP... I have
...back to the OP...
I have been in your shoes. Lived in Germany, SAHM with a newborn and two step kids. When my baby was 6 weeks old my husband left for 7 months. Living in a foreign country with no support system(other than my friends), with two step kids, being a first time mom with a newborn... UGH, TORTURE!!!!! Believe me when I tell you this, there is absolutely NO WAY you can disengage from an 8 year old that lives in your home 100% of the time while your husband is active duty. If the child is violent or acting out, you need to take him to "Family Advocacy" or whatever they call it now and get him seen by a therapist-IMMEDIATELY.
The term "disengaged" cannot and does not apply to you at this time. You need to dig deep and get this kid some help and be the best primary caregiver you can be to him.
^This .. I can't imagine how
^This .. I can't imagine how difficult it is, but I don't see how disengaging is even possible in this situation.
It can't be done in this
It can't be done in this case. I really feel for MamaSan here.
I didn't read all of the
I didn't read all of the replies but these ideas jumped to mind.
1) take care of yourself, anyway you can. Get a regular sitter/ help. I know it's tough and money is probably tight, but MAKE IT A PRIORITY. not just for SS, but for all of the kids so that you can get a break. Also allow yourself to be an imperfect parent.
2) continue to love SS and treat him like your own. You're all he's got. BUT allow yourself to feel less pressure and investment. You can only do what you can do. And ultimately he's not your kid, your genetics, etc. You must take care of him-- but you don't have to feel responsible for the outcome. Think of how teachers relate to kids-- they love them, teach them, care... but don't feel ultimately responsible.
3) Get SS some help.
Sending support!!!
We are in Okinawa and DH is
We are in Okinawa and DH is Marine. Bio-bitch calls about 1x a month or sometimes twice. He has not seen her in 2 years. I have been with DH since before SS was 1 and his primary care giver for over 4 years now. We don't have a summer camp or summer school by us and DH freaked when I brought up child care for him. DH said that was some Cinderella s***. Lol I wish he could clean that good ;). SS does have "friends" but they are the 5 year olds that live by us.
Is there no support (medical
Is there no support (medical or even just for the wives) from the basis there? Or even any contact with any Expats there? When I lived overseas, there were a lot of blended families from the expats circles. Asians don't really understand blended family issues. They just accept 'your son' vs 'my son' kind of thing. There is no blending.
If no therapy options, hope you can get this angry kid some kind of help by maybe through some kind of sport but that would be a little hard since Japanese are nationalists so usually speak only Japanese (especially outside of Tokyo). Do you speak it yet? Hope you make some good friends there. I feel for you. I don't know what I'd do if I'd have to face SS&BM without therapy or sports. Good luck Mama-san.