Should I let my stepson move back with us for the second time at 24?
My stepson lived with us between the age of 17 and 21. He caused many rows, wouldn't work, ate us out of house and home, damaged many things in the house (that was mine before he and his father moved in) and showed us no respect. I tried showing him love, doing his washing and ironing, cooked for him and bought him stuff he needed like socks and boxers etc. but he still acted badly, trashed his room etc. as I worked away a lot, it caused arguments when I came home to a mess. Eventually he got a job and moved in to a house that he shared with 2 other lads. After 6 months he lost his job and his father paid his rent for a while but he then asked if he could come home. His father said he should spend time with his mother which he did after his mother took some persuading. He then got a job and met a girl at work. They got a flat together the week after Easter this year and we thought all was well.
He turned up on our doorstep at midnight 3 days ago saying he had spent the previous saturday night with another girl and got home at 5am and his girlfriend found out he had lied about where he had been and had kicked him out. He was crying because he had nowhere to go. He wants to move back in with us and I have said he can stay til Monday, which will have been a week but that's it, he is not coming back. His father says I am heartless and unreasonable, am I? I said it is his own doing and he has paid the price for his betrayal, he must stand on his own two feet. Am I right or not?
Right. You let him come back
Right.
You let him come back for a few days but that is more than enough. This is not "home".
He screwed up last time so does not deserve another chance to trash your life. He sounds like a horrible person. You should never let a toxic adult move into your home.
I feel exactly that, as you
I feel exactly that, as you have said. My husband says that his son is hurting but I feel for his GF not him. She is a darling and has a good job, she didn't deserve being cheated on. So because he is hurting my husband says we should support him! I cant see that when he acted in a totally selfish way. I know lads have a roving eye but my sons managed to keep it under control in a relationship! Why should I have to make sacrifices for him when he brought it on himself!
Devil's advocate again. I
Devil's advocate again. I personally hold the unpopular opinion that the bioparent should have the final say after consultation with the stepparent as to when to dispense tough love and when to help out, barring any health or safety issues. For me, if my FDH did not allow me to help my child, adult or not, when I wanted to, it would cause a LOT of resentment and be a huge issue in our relationship.
This does not mean that I would not be willing to listen to FDH's advise or try to come up with a workable compromise, just that I think it ultimately needs to be up to the bioparent because they are the one with the biological imperative to help that child. It is not easy to ignore.
If an adult child is allowed to come home, I feel there needs to be a plan as to what the expectations are and a timeline for when goals will be met and essentially what steps are going to be taken to get them back on their feet.
ETA- I do not however, think you should be forced to do anything for him, if that is not what you want to do. It's you DH's kid, he should bear the brunt of helping him out.
The last thing you are being,
The last thing you are being, is "heartless and unreasonable", its not like this adult kid has his act together. You know? Your doing him a favor by not letting him couch surf. He needs to figure things out for himself eventually.
Ugh, I feel for you.
Ugh, I feel for you. Unfortunately, I don't have any sage advice. I am sort of in a similar situation ... I don't yet fully understand who has final say and what is best with respect to adult skids. I hope for the best for you and your situation.