Housewife or slave??
Hello fellow stepparents!
Here I am again trying to vent my frustrations ..
Lately I've been questioning my own sanity in some aspects in my life..
Let me explain..I'm a housewife. By choice.. my husband never pressured me to work and when we got married 2 years ago we agreed that I would take care of the house and he would take care of the finances.
I help with grocery money because I get child support for my son.
And I also use that money for my gas and to buy anything my son might need.
Now..lately my DH has been throwing in my face any chance he gets that its my job to cook for him and his daughter.. that its my job to do their laundry.. that its my job to pick up after them.. blah blah blah..
Some weekends i go spend the day at my mom's.. he wants to know exactly what time I'm gonna be home and when I do get home he wants to know what's for dinner.. he says my "day off" is over when I get back home.
He also complains and says that I seem unhappy lately.. and he asks if I know how frustrating it is to live with someone who always seems unhappy.
Everyday lately he's complaining that I seem unhappy.. he's always saying how wrong I raise my son..because according to him I spoil my son too much. He lectures me for hours everyday on everything I do wrong according to him. And 5 minutes later he wants me to be all smiles.. because then he says I reek of unhappyness. And it starts all over.
Its been a nightmare.
I am seriously considering moving out as soon my son finishes school in a few weeks.
Am I the crazy one? Or is this really too much to take?
I really need some advice! Please!
Sounds like you are indeed a
Sounds like you are indeed a slave! Your SO is very uncaring IMHO. He seems to be very demanding and critical. You seem unhappy.
Why do you stay home and not earn money? Money gives you power = especially when you have this type of SO. If you had an infant or very young child I could see why you would be at home but you can go out now and earn money and be powerful in your own right. Do it!
Then you have all the choice in the world and you won't tolerate being treated so badly.
I don't really advocate for
I don't really advocate for divorce or leaving your husband if there is anyway of working through it but (and I am just going on the info in your blog here) your SO is raising huge red flags for emotional/spousal abuse. I am a survivor of horrendous domestic abuse in my first marriage, I was only 8 years in and thank god I managed to get out. What I just read in your blog made me feel like I was reading about my ex husband in the early years of our marriage. Here is the pattern: You meet, he treats you like no one else in the world could ever compare to you, he will shower you with compliments and gifts. He will also subtly let you know that you're a bit hopeless and you need him to help/make your decisions for you, about everything and anything. Next phase he begins to need to know where you are at all times, this phase usually kicks in at the 2 to 3 year mark as the relationship is beginning to mature, you might start to try and branch out a little from what has been a fully obsessive connection with your SO up until this point, his letting you know of your failings and lack of ability in pretty much everything you do is now not so subtle and you begin to question whether he is indeed right and there is something a little bit wrong/amiss with you. If you don't "play ball" and let him know where you are and what time you will be home (and stick to it), he will either give you the silent treatment, use it as justification to back up why you are hopeless in his eyes, he might yell and scream at you or worse still he might give you a slap to put you back in your place. If dinner isn't on the table at the expected time he might refer to you as lazy, not a good wife, a bad mother. He will do this until you begin to question whether he is indeed right. The next phases of this type of relationship usually are far less pleasant and almost always end in physical financial and mental abuse of some sort. If the above pattern rings true for you (even a little bit), I strongly urge you to speak with a counsellor for a little clarification. I would also strongly urge you to TRY and either pick up a days work and squirrel the money into a bank account only YOU are aware of OR try to slip $20-$50 of your child support into an account only you can access for a rainy day - believe me financial independence is absolutely vital in an abusive partnership. Good Luck.
I am also a housewife and I
I am also a housewife and I stay at home. I get child support for 2 out of my 3 children and we are now expecting our own. DH has an 8 year old daughter.
I do cook all of the meals, keep the house nice and clean and I also do all of his daughter's laundry, pack her lunches, do her baths ect. I kind of just feel like it is part of the deal so I don't really mind doing all of that stuff since I am already doing it all for my children. Are you not wanting to cook meals or is he just way over board making you feel like you never can get a break? Some nights I am exhausted from doing all of the kid and wife stuff and I will throw some pizzas in.
Like the above poster mentioned about abuse....my previous marriage was very abusive and he did the same exact things like she mentioned so really look for the red flags on emotional abuse.My marriage started out ultra fantastic and then the emotional abuse came.....shorty after came the physical. If he is abusing you emotionally than physical is sure to come.
Hmmm...so really, he pays
Hmmm...so really, he pays most of the bills for you and your son, right? I mean, there is mortgage, electricity, insurance, etc...So, I am not sure why you think that you can't cook for him and his daughter. Sorry, it seems to me if the deal is he supports you and part of your son, then in return you do the home stuff, what is the problem? It honestly does not seem too unreasonable to me.
The problem is the
The problem is the expectation. OP states she uses her child support for her sons additional needs and helps pay for groceries out of this. She is also a human being. If my SO even DARED to lay at me that my "day off ends" when I get home from my mothers home I would have him pulling his boots out of his ears when I finished with him. It's the disrespect in the sentiment of the delivery KWIM (and my SO too pays the mortgage and additional household overheads, I in return cook, do laundry, run kids around etc etc, but if I want a day off or out SO couldn't give a shit AND he will cook a meal and clean and do laundry also NO QUESTIONS ASKED)?? If OP is indeed struggling with contribution to the household chores that she SHOULD be picking up, then why is her SO treating her in a demeaning and expectational way?? If he actually cared for or was worried for her well being he could ask her if everything is all ok?? He could state that she has dropped the ball, is there a reason why?? Instead she SHOULD be picking up after him and his daughter, she SHOULD tell him what time she is going to be home so she can prepare dinner WTF - sounds more like a dictatorship to me. Her last line spells it out for me that there is abuse happening here, she alludes to the fact that she thinks she might be the crazy one here - BIGGEST RED FLAG OF ALL. There is NO should in an equal and respectful relationship.
Of course he expects her to
Of course he expects her to do all the household chores for him and his daughter. He's supporting her and her child.
His delivery sucks, but not his expectations.
Your right the delivery does
Your right the delivery does suck. Unfortunately (and i concur there is a trade off here no doubt I live it also) the fact he chooses to deliver it in such a way is indicitive of his personality type - unfortunately this does not bode well for the future maturation of the OP's relationship.
I agree with the above post.
I agree with the above post. I would be curious to know how he treats her on different levels to see how it really does measure up. I all too well know the demeaning abusive type. Nothing like being felt like a slave driver, ykwim?
I so feel you on this. And I
I so feel you on this. And I know there is ALWAYS two sides to a story. My DH has two children he has sole custody on, and then we have a son together. I am a SAHM and he works-constantly- so I am always watching the kids. I feel like a single mom most of the time. I get burnt out. I love not having a job and being able to be home by myself and do whatever the hell I want all day while the kids are in school. They are gone from 8am-4pm, but I still get annoyed somedays when I just don't feel like cooking dinner or doing laundry or dealing with other people's kids! It does wear on you from time to time, but it doesn't mean you get to stop doing it because you're tired of it.
It sounds like your hubby is getting a little too controlling and telling you your business. You should NOT be required to pick up after him and his daughter. Cooking, cleaning and laundry are part of the trade for being a SAHM, but being a maid is not. I tell my kids that I will clean up, but I will not pick up after them. I'm not always going to be around to do that for them, so they have to learn how to do that for themselves! I do it for my husband because he does pay my bills, but if he ever expected me to, I would probably tell him to GFY. No one wants to do anything for anyone who rudely expects it. Sounds like you may just need to lay down some boundaries and not let him tell you when to jump and how high.
I'm thinking I need to get a job too, but I don't really want to. Jobs suck. I just miss being independent and having my own money. That is a good idea for you. Good luck with everything <3
Thank you all for the advice
Thank you all for the advice and for taking the time to help!
I have read all the posts and they have been a great help.
The truth of the matter right now in my marriage is that I do question my own ideas of what's right and wrong a lot lately.
Now if that's a sign of emotional abuse than there are surely more red flags that I'm just pretending not to see.
My relationship at the moment sucks big time. So why do I stay even when I'm unhappy?
I've been asking myself this question for the past few months.
Everytime he argues and tries to prove me wrong (which happens more and more often now), I tell myself I'm gonna leave.
But I'm scared of the single life again. I don't know if I wanna start over with someone else. It worries me.
I'm sick of feeling emotionally drained all the time.. and I'm tired of being always persuated to believe I'm wrong no matter what I do. So.. yes.. I'm confused and lost right now.
I have disengaged as much as possible from SD when she's here. But its no surprise that most of our arguments still happen on the days she's here.
I know I must sound weird and strange.. but trust me.. that's how I feel most of the time now a days.
I'm still considering moving out in a few weeks. I keep giving myself time to reconsider. But the more time goes by, the more I feel that leaving is the only way to go.
It just sucks that I feel like a failure.
You are not a failure. You
You are not a failure. You are not weird and strange. You ARE in a terrible situation where your BF is messing with your head.
I worry that you think about not leaving this relationship because you don't want to start over with someone else. Wait. You missed a step. You are missing YOU in all this. Leave the relationship, focus on you. Don't worry about the next guy. I know way too many women who can't seem to just be by themselves, without a boyfriend or husband. Every one of those women is unhappy.
What do YOU want? Bet you don't know. So take some time to figure it out.
Scary? Yes. But scarier to stay I think.