:O My husbands EX wife (the mother of his now adult biological kids) recently stepped in to care for HIS mother after not being around for 8 years..
Here's what happened...
We were preparing for his mom to move to a nice Independent Living apartments place that she loves when my husbands ex wife decided to rekindle her friendship with his Mom. They hadnt spoken in yrs because of a fight they had and years of problems getting along. They had a nice day, and the ex brought over the great grandsons too.
The ex had been living with hi daughter and son-in law, but recently they asked her to leave as they were no longer getting along at all. (NOTE: Ex wife has untreated bi-polar, and/or manic depressive dissorder and cycles every few months)..
We live only a block from his Mom, and I visit w her every week, shop, take to Dr appointments, etc. One of us sees her nearly every day, or did anyway, till all this...
A few days after their visit I fell and broke my knee..SEVERLY!
Then, 4 days later his Mom fell when walking her dog.. My husband left me to care for his mom for two days, and that was ok as I had friends etc to help too. Then, on the third day his ex offers to help... He let her move right in and take over all of Moms care.
At first Mom got better, even driving her own car, visiting church friends, etc. But the more the ex did for her, the less she did, and began sitting in her chair all day... Within days the Ex Wife had moved in full time... Mom didn't do anything for herself, and she got weaker. Right away the ex began doing all the driving, shopping , cooking, etc. Mom got weaker, as all she had to do was walk from bed to chair.. This woman was taking care of herself a week earlier, but is 84 and needs to keep moving!
The independent living apartment provides maid service, 3 meals a day in lovely dining room, beauty parlor, events, exersize, activities, lot's of really nice people to socialize with, laundry service, and 24/7 emergency care. All Mom would have had to do was basic self care and walk to dining room,
But his ex began doing EVERYTHING for her so she didn't have to leave her chair!! within two weeks she was helping her dress etc. Now Mom says she cant dress herself, or do anything she used to do, so my husband canceled the apartment we already had ready for her, and has agreed that his ex will live with her full time until "Mom gets well enough to move to Independent Living.."
He said the "move" would be too much for Mom right now, but doesnt listen to me when I said she should go to Assisted living temporarily where she will get DAILY PHYSICAL THERAPY!!! because "she doesnt want to and (the ex) is willing to stay on)..
She emailed his whole family telling them that by her "assesment" Mom cant take care of herself in Independent Living, and offered to care for her.. They all think it's a great idea!! (having forgotten the past!! ) His daughter is only one who thinks like me, but she recently asked her mom to move out of her house, so she's a bad guy too, like me, I guess..
In this situation, MOM WONT GET BETTER I KNOW IT!!!
Also, the EX has gotten a part time job and wont be there on weekends, or whenever she wants to go out.. He doesnt realise that leaves HIM to care for Mom all weekend when he works 50 hrs a week M-F !! I am having surgery next week, and am still on crutches, so I feel totally powerless to help much.. I cant support her walking, etc.
Today he told me that he has agreed that the ex and Mom will get a new ground level apartment together!!!! That means a MOVE!! But he doesnt see that this is BAD choice!! If his mom cant care for herself, this means he will do basic care when ex is gone on weekends etc.. Ive tried to make him understand that if he has to help his mom with basic self care (bathroom stuff) it will DESTROY what little self-esteem and modesty she has left, and I believe that will destroy her will to recover... She is extreemly modest and has NEVER let him see her naked, etc. He is only child too, and has all the burden of this decision in family..
He won't look at the psychological aspects of this!!
I blew up at him at lunch, and said I couldnt come to terms with this, and I was so furious they were making this choice that I'm considering moving out.. Rash, I know, but I'm greiving I think. I told him I thought they were dooming her to decline faster and die sooner....
Well, I'm totally drained now.. Lonely as my husband is avoiding me, and missing mom too.... I have to make an appointment to see her, as the EX wont be there if I am...
Bet non of you step-moms ever thougt of the LONG TERM "Senior" problems like this that come after the kids are older huh? BTW, our youngest is 13... any thoughts?
Lisa