Invisible Step Parent

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I too am an invisible stepmom. Prom just took place last weekend, my friend did SD18's hair. The ONLY pic taken of "US" is the one my friend took. I took pics of dad and sd, and even sent some to evil MIL who requested them of her granddaughter and son. I help with all the events and get no credit other than when the BM makes nasty comments to SD about how I am such a good friend to SD....PFtttt sarcastically said of course. Graduation is coming may 31 and I just think Ill sit back and watch, Any advice on this event will be appreciated.... BM will get all the credit as will Dh for SD's achievement. And to think it may or may not get better when this child moves out only sickens me..The advice on here helps a bunch. I could also write a book on how to be treated like crap 1000 different ways in just a short 6 years of me and Dh being together and be told, I could be a lot worse kid. I just replied to her As I can be a lot worse SM HA! Learning to ignore is getting better, being disengaged better. Just living in a step parent world day by day.

WOW I never thought of it

:jawdrop: WOW I never thought of it that way. Thank God my in-law family isn't like that but my DH kids definitely are. They never include me in pictures. I hate when I have to go to step-grand kid birthday parties or weddings or anything where I have to deal with the BIO MOM. I have tried and tried to be nice to the skids and seems like the more I try the worse I get slapped in the face and unfortunately DH never wants to discuss my feelings and if I try to address the situation it always ends in a blow up where he gets pissed and threatens to walk out if I dont end the conversation.

Does her graduation mean

Does her graduation mean anything to you? To me a high school graduation is no big deal at all. Unless the child is special needs which has made this a real accomplishment it is just something that pretty much just happens.

50 years ago it was a big achievement when someone graduated from high school as many didn't. I know in today's world we like to give ribbons for participation not accomplishments.

I'm sure the bio parents feel some degree of pride that their child has reached this age and has not yet screwed up thier life with drugs and babies. So let them have their moment.

But like you said - just sit back and let it happen. Go if you want to, stay home if not. All of the high schools I've been associated with graduate huge classes (500 and up) so the ceremony is so boring. Help your DH buy her a nice present. Tell her congratulations. You really don't have to get ultra involved.

I used to say, "A little

I used to say, "A little masocism never hurt anybody" but one day a good friend said, "YES, it does!" I made SD's prom dress, played maid to her, allowed her to treat me as if I were invisble,turned a blind eye and a blind heart to her abuse. I tried and tried but as she got older it only became worse. One day, after putting up with this for 20 years, and after a particularly nasty day with SD, I decided that my masocistic days were over. The next time she came to my home she and her husband exploded at me because I asked them to speak up instead of having the constant mumbled, sideline conversations. This was after they used my kitchen, without asking (because I was invisible), to make baked Christmas gifts for other people (I rated one cookie). I disengaged and banned her from my home. That was over two years ago and I have never been sorry for it.

It appears your SD might be living with you. If you read past posts of others with Skids, you will see that in most cases it does NOT get better when they supposedly grow up. Spoiled, entitled children become obnoxiuos, entitled adults. She is 18 now and probably looks upon herself as an adult. DH and BM may get credited with her achievements - but they can also take credit for crippling her socially. After she graduates from High School she will find life is much different in the real world where she is not catered to - she will have to work her way through college and career.

You are wise to just "sit back and watch". The show could get very interesting. Make sure you have DH's support. Do not tolerate anything less than respectful behavior from SD and DH.

HA! I used to think that

HA! I used to think that skid that graduated would go to college, I mean who doesn't? Apparently I was an idiot. Kids who barely get through school, flunk a grade, who drop out, then go back and somehow get passed on, they don't go to college. Or they attempt several times at CC and have someone else foot the bill while half-way through they drop out. And they can't hold a job, that same contempt for authority, chores, homework and social rules get in the way of working. Then they still get catered to by parents, long into the 20s but they get better at it usually adult manipulative tactics

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I am not sure if outwardly

I am not sure if outwardly being mean to someone is worse than treating them like they are invisible. After 20 years, i am leaning towards the invisible part. My wake up call was my SS wedding where my SD took about 200 pictures, posted them on Facebook and there was not one of me up there.... not sure why it took so long to realize that i do not exist, maybe i was kidding myself. I realized that it did not pay to be nice or go out of your way for people that treat you badly. Over 20 years of trying to be the better person, i am finally done.

You come to a point in your life where you really have to stop caring about what they think anymore and worry about yourself. I don't go out of the way for them anymore, over it. I also put my foot down about visiting. I don't care how "broke" they all are, get a job and get on a plane once in a while (living in Colorado for 23 years and the only trips they took were ones we paid for). Life is a two way street...

I could have written your

I could have written your post a few years back. ((hugs))

As someone already responded, it's not likely she will grow up and get better---she'll just continue the behavior and your feelings will be hurt over and over again. That's where I am at now. I get zero appreciation, zero acknowledgment, courtesy, or respect yet I continue to try and get my feelings hurt. I am here because I need to learn to disengage.

StepAside, I did read that

StepAside, I did read that article and all I can say is OMG, words to a problem that I face on a daily basis. Relational Aggression Relational aggression. That explains ALOT, I nearly took my life back in 2010 when SD then 16, lied to grandma and said I refuse to take her to a doctor for a bladder infection and called her a whore, told her BM the same, has accused my brother of attempting to sexually abuse her through horseplay (he was wrestling like with his 5 year old DD and SD wanted to be included) til this day my MIL still snubbs me and accuses me of never talking to her ( mind you MIL lives next door) SD is fine and always wanting to be center of attention where there are males around and always finds a flaw with me. SD in 2010 moved out with BM for a short 4 month period and BM kicked her out because she couldnt control her, of course , she boo hooed and Dh let her move back. I told SD at that point, I will NOT tolerate her manipulative, vindictive, and condescending bullshit, that she was old enough to know better. So I have read her texts to BM, friends, and cousins lately and in the past, and she at her young age IS the instigator of the RA. She wants everyone to dislike and hate me, and feel sorry for the poor pitiful beautiful sweet and innocent girl. I have disengaged, I tolerate her, I ignore her, and I cannot wait for her to experience RA in the REAL world herself cause I do believe in Karma. I even noticed in this article that the reason SD is probably more hostile is that she has tried to get her dad in on this and has not completely succeeded, therefore causing her to try harder in different areas (other people up to and including my own friends). This explains why I myself cannot get down on her level and be a bitch to her because my morals and concepts of treat others the way I want to be treated applies. I refuse to be the TARGET anymore! Now that she is about to be on her own, I see Dh having a hard time of letting go of his princess by every now and then succumbing to a lil RA himself. IE You think you know it all because you went to college and have a degree so then I hear SD say something similar, oh yea, you think you know it all, and EVEN MIL!!!! When they think I truly may know something, then it is all like well you work in the medical field help.... HOGwash Go fuck yourself! I have removed myself from MIL RA by avoiding her, I use to think it was termed negativity so I stay away and only encounter her if I have to and its VERY brief. How do I do that with SD who resides with us??? She avoids me and has told everyone else she deals with me on a day to day basis. But she will stare at me in the doorway of bath as I get ready for work, she will sometimes stare at me in the kitchen while I am cooking and I always catch her staring at me and even her father while we are eating supper as if she is trying to figure us out. Bizarre and uneasy, I stare back and Dh says what are you looking at and SD tries to make light of it and jokingly says something stupidly sweet like oh nothing or you silly PUKE Ill stop ranting, I am just excited to see there is a label for what I have experienced and still experience.. THANK YOU Now need advice on how to deal with it, you can only run so much you know.

SA, I wish I had all this

SA, I wish I had all this advice and insight you've given years ago. My marriage would be so much better and my relationship with my SD would have been easier for ME. Thanks for all the help you put out there for the rest of us.

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