So sick of hiding in my bedroom
Since SS20 has moved back 2 weeks ago its all I can do to get out of bed when I know he is in the house. I can't bear to be anywhere near him and either hide in my room or go out to avoid home.
Let me give the background because of course it's not simple. SS has spent 8 of the last 12 months in hospital with anorexia. He was very talented in football and In the top 3 in our State. He was due to go into the draft but instead put all his focus into "eating healthy" and getting fitter. Well you can see where that got him. Anorexia is all about control so it is darn near impossible to live with. He always was a controlling child and I recognised his addictive personality early on in the piece. It just didn't occur to me that it would manifest itself in anorexia so I had talked to him about drugs and alcohol etc.
Prior to his eating disorder I saw the light at the end of my step parenting nightmare being him turning 18 and getting drafted to play with a team in another State and his older SB would go with him. Well older SS now 22 HAS moved out, living with SB and anorexia and not getting everything he wanted (but that's a whole other story) caused him to go.
But back to this one. I have done soo much for both my SS's over the past decade and it was ME that first recognised that SS had anorexia and what needed to be done to try to treat it. That took 2yrs because I couldn't be right. Since then another year has gone by and there is no improvement in him. He is consumed by the anorexia, won't engage with you, is a total pig and a nightmare to be around. I have had more than enough and it may sound callous because the boy clearly is not well but there really is only so much one can take. He spends serious amounts of time in my kitchen and is hopeless at cleaning up after himself. His room stinks, I refuse to go in there, but he is addicted to exercise and does at least three workouts a day leaving his stinking clothes in there and if they do get in the basket they are soaked and disgusting to even put into the machine. I have to wash daily or you can imagine the smell!
Well I could go on and on but I am sure you get it. I just feel I have no where to turn because booting out a "poor sick boy" is so different from kicking out a dole bludger.
A good friend of one of my
A good friend of one of my DD's had anorexia as a teenager - luckily recovered and is leading a normal life now, but this is a horrible, life-threatening mental illness, and this boy is going to continue to need support for a long time to come. It is hell for the sufferer, and hell for the family. I can understand you feeling you can't take any more. Is there any supported living facility he could go to for a while?
You don't mention the boy's father at all - what does he think? Maybe SS would do better outside the family home - maybe in a small apartment of his own - as long as he is getting outpatient treatment - would your DH be able to finance this for a time? You have my sympathy.
I have also lived with an
I have also lived with an anorexic teenager who would not accept help and it was hell. I did everything I possibly could to get DH to address it, but it took many many months before he took action, and by that time I, like you, had given up and retreated to my bedroom. The tension over her eating consummed every day amd controlled the entire house. It was dreadful but I had to withdraw as far as I could simply for self preservation, because it was affecting me so badly that I could barely parent my own young children. I felt guilty for doing it, but I absolutely understand what you mean when you say there is only so much you can take. I had spent 2 years trying to help her through her many emotional problems and had reached my limit. Although I didn't actually boot her out my withdrawal did affect her, and she ultimately moved back to her mothers house after 3 months in a treatment centre.
What I would say is that this is so stressful to live with that you should seek some kind of support. One of the ironies for me was that although I was much more involved with SD than either of her parents, and like you had been the one who realised she had an eating disorder, when she did finally get treatment the therapy process was very much focused on SD and her parents. There was no opportunity for me to talk about my feelings and relationship with her. With hindsight I wish I had found my own counsellor to help me through it, and that could perhaps have helped me set appropriate boundaries for my own involvement with SD and DH with regard to her problems. Anyway, big hugs and lots of empathy from me.
We as parents are not trained
We as parents are not trained to help a person with mental illness. Does SS work? I think the only thing to do here is set boundries.
1. SS must get a job.
2. SS must pay for his counseling and make his appointments.
3. SS must keep his room clean.
4. SS must clean up after himself in bathroom and kitchen.
These should be deal breakers. If he doesn't do these things then he needs to move out. He is ground at this point so should be responsible for his actions. The only other thing to do is go to court have him declared a harm to himself and placed some where and the is costly and hard to do. Plus if DH or BM are not on board almost impossible.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your support. He has just started university and is throwing himself into it like he does everything, which is a blessing as he does spend a fair bit of time there.
DH has come a very long way with dealing with it but there really are not clear ways for anyone involved. I actually don't think SS will be home for more than a few months before he will be re committed and hopefully this time to a different institution. As for support, I guess that's why I am venting here. There is little to no support for families especially and as he is an adult you can't make him attend any. If he chooses not to they won't let you attend without him. He doesn't see that he has a problem for wont do outpatient programs.
I have just been trying to do what I can to preserve my own sanity and that seems to vary day to day. I go from feeling incredibly sad and sorry for him to just wanting him out and let us have a normal life.
Just searching for any tips or ways to try and get by and through this easier. Have just decided to book a bit of a holiday later in the year to escape. Really happy that DH is also keen about this as up to now it has not been an option to leave "poor SS" on his own. I guess time is really the answer but I just need helps to get through the time.....
Thanks again, and any suggestions would be great!