"I treat SD4 very wonderfully, but I can not stand her. I can not stand her face, her laugh, and how's she's almost 5 and shits herself and thinks it's fine."

Where is bm on that? She's the one allowing it to happen. You can dislike sd all you want for that, but she's 5 and if she hasn't been potty trained, she will need someone to show her. That's where bm should come in to parent sd. Shame on her for not doing that.

I don't know you, bm or dh and my gut tells me that dh isn't the father. To be blunt, this is why I think more guys need to think with their big brains instead of their little ones. Because when they don't, they get involved with people they'll wind up despising.

My bio allowed my step father to adopt my siblings and myself. I'm thankful because my step dad is my dad, he's been a wonderful father to us, but I still have resentment towards my bio after all these years. It's not something I focus on and I recognize it for what it is. Being abandoned by your father is something you never really get over, even when the outcome is better for it. I hope your DH knows this going in.

OP, you're entitled to vent away all you want but you're going to get advice that you agree with and advice you'll disagree with. This is the Internet. As Echo said, it might be best to let stepdad adopt sd. I don't disagree with you on that. As Echo said, either dh is all in or all out. If he's going to sign over rights, he should just walk away period. And if my child's father signed over rights to get out of cs, I would make 1000% sure that he never saw said child again until said child was 18+.

So Dad should fight. He PLANNED a child with BM & had an "accident" with the OP. Flame the OP, flame the Father, they're both irresponsible & immature. I feel terribly for BOTH these children!

Sorry but I agree with OP, if the bio dad is cut out of the child's life already and has no say in her upbringing or being able to be a true dad then transferring over parental rights is just a formality, beacuse at the moment he isn't being allowed to be a true dad. I think most of you are missing that part - the bio dad has no right over his child already even WITH the parental right. It's easy to say fight but if you have little or no money to fight with, then how do you fight? It's easy to judge but until you have walked in a person's shoes you can never know the true picture.

It is NEVER okay to walk away. This is absolutely ridiculous. Dad's can win but a lot of them don't give a shit. New wife wants this, new wife wants that, new wife wants skids erased... Why? Because these men are USELESS as parents. These men are glorified babysitters BY CHOICE. They choose not to parent &the entire world ends up dealing with kids who don't know respect, the value of a dollar or hard work & grow up without the guidance & love of a Father. When families stayed together, men could just be PT & show their love via working to support the family. Now men have to step up IMMEDIATELY as parents. Unfortunately they don't. Men are fathering children too young & LATER growing up & wanting to be Dad. Its hard work & its expensive but thats life. The OP's husband CHOSE to father a child at too young of an age, out of wedlock, with a girl (& yes, 19 is a girl, not a woman) who lacked the moral fiber to stay faithful &who so easily lied about him. He made a lousy choice. Maybe BM has grown up now, maybe she hasn't but at least this WANTED child now has a man willing to step up & be her Dad, emotionally & financially. This new man is cleaning up the OP's husbands bad choices so that the OP & her husband & their accidental baby can ride off into the sunset. At the OP's tender age I doubt she realizes the odds are stacked entirely against her & that her husband is getting good at walking away.

You don't need a lawyer to fight for custody & visitation but these men don't care, they get lawyers because the hard work of fighting this on their own is of no interest to them.

Go read the blogs &, see how many Fathers are dragging their feet on filing for CS or doing their own custody paperwork.

Lazy, worthless men is all they are.

"For the record he let BM walk all over him and make all the choices, and I stepped into the picture and BEGGED him to get rights. I called the lawyers, I saved the money."

K.1106, you proved my point. He's worthless & yes, I am saying that. He stuck his dick in a woman he wasn't married to & got her pregnant INTENTIONALLY THREE TIMES. He isn't a Father, he's a sperm donor. Having a baby sounded fun so he did then he "let" BM & her new husband do all the work until you came on the scene & did it for him.

YOU proved my point, in your own words, about useless men who don't parent or fight for their kids.

I'm amazed that the BM is going to give up the CS. She already has complete control over the child. It really doesn't make sense to me. She could keep collecting the $$ and use it for the child's future without any material change in her circumstances.

BTW, K.1106, it must be time for a dramatic "this is a support board" hair flip goodbye from you & so let me be the first... You aren't a Stepparent, your husband now only has 1 child & its YOURS. Its been a real pleasure.

"BM is SO terrified that my DH is going to walk away now that she's willing to actually TRY with us now. It's the weirdest thing I've ever heard. She says she can't stand SD4 crying about not getting to see "daddy-firstname" and she wants SD4 to have a good relationship with our DD2."

I'm confused, BM has been keeping biodad from seeing his child, but NOW that he's willing to give up his parental rights BM is "BEGGING him to continue seeing SD4."??

"BM confessed to me she's afraid the CS is the only thing that keeps him coming back"

NOT trying to attack you or your DH, but why is BM afraid that if biodad isn't paying CS he won't come back anymore?

Maybe this is far out there but do you ever think that BM only fears your DH because he knows that truth of her? People change, albeit rarely, and when we do our greatest fear is that those who knew what we were before and what we hide in the very core of ourselves will let those in our present and future know about it. The only reason why your sd4 lacks a intact family with both of her bioparents is because BM lacked fidelity and got caught in that weakness. The only person who knows this about BM (besides the doctors who did the tests and now you, which she may or may not know about) is your DH. Maybe BM fears that one day sd4 will ask the question most step-mothers on here dread-"Why did you and mommy split/are not together?" If your DH were tell sd4 the truth (I'm thinking this would occur when she was older, like a pre-teen/teen)BM does not look like mother of the year.

Anyway, this situation is only here because two teens got dumb and planned to have a baby. I am not going to hammer that in because it seems as though from your original post that you are in agreement with that statement. What is done is done. We do stupid shit and pay we for that stupid shit. I agree with Echo in the sense that you should not give up on a child because financial reasons but I understand that your DH does not have much of choice and has little rights and little money so it a fucked up situation that will have no easy solution. I disagree that it's an all or nothing. He should continue to see this child. Most adoptive parents I know with open adoptions fear that the BM/BD will not show up not that they will. They best thing for the child is to know their biological relatives and medical history. It is the right of the child to know who they are biologically and to be able to talk about these things. Your sd4 would miss her father, even if he's daddy-fist name. It's important that he's there even if he's no longer BM's just for fun paycheck.

I will end with this. I am sorry that your DH and your family had to go through this. I am glad that everyone is happy with the outcome and that sd4 and your DH will still get to see eachother, and your daughter and sd4 will still get time to be with one another. I hope things get better in the future and that any pain and resentment that will come about in the future will be worked out and lead to a better outcome.

OP -

I just want to point out/caution you on the removal of his parental rights. The kid can come back.

Here's my story:

My DH had a one night stand. Broad gets pregnant. Handful of guys are DNA tested when kid is born. My DH "wins". Support is determined, he begins paying, occasionally getting his visitations. Broad meets shiny new man. Shiny new man is stationed in Florida. Broad takes kid and leaves the state. After many tries to get this resolved, it is decided. DH signs off rights to the kid and support is no longer paid. Broad has shiny new man wanting to marry her (and oh yeah - she is pregnant again). Great. DH goes on his merry bachelor ways...

Fast forward 7 years. Kid is complete and total discipline disaster. Broad turns out to be mentally unstable. Doesn't take care of kid. Kid is put in a state run boys home. (Juvenile detention center - group home thing) Broad says she can't manage the kid anymore and gives him up to the foster care system. Foster care system finds DH. Drops kid at his door and says "you're his Dad. You have to take him."

Ta Da! Kid with more effing problems that you can shake a bag of scrabble letters at, criminal deviant, emotionally and socially challenged and just an all around "peach" to deal with. I met DH at this point. I signed up for this mess. Kid is 17 now and getting some much needed mental health care because I have really kick ass insurance.

His piece of shit mother? won't even take the treatment center's phone calls to try and work with her on his problems. Then the bitch actually cancelled her phone so they could no longer reach her.

THAT is what CAN happen when parental rights are signed off voluntarily. I know my DH would tell you that if he had it to do all over again he would have kidnapped the kid and left the country before letting go.

Good luck.

Many parents make a tough decision to place a child for adoption when they - for whatever reason - are not willing or able to care for a child the way every child deserves to be cared for.

We all allow for this and accept this as normal and even heroic.

This woman is telling us all that her DH is making this same choice - but delayed.

I hear loud and clear that she and her DH cannot afford to continue parenting this child in any way shape or form, whether it's minimal contact or not. She has stated several times that her family cannot afford to EAT at times.

I think financial considerations are at the heart of this.

We'd all like to thing that money cannot ever be the determining factor when considering children.

That isn't realistic. There are people, including the OP, who have to make some difficult decisions. They have a new child and the older child is well-loved and cared for by her mom and her stepfather.

It may be unpalatable to some but poverty is a harsh master.

All comments considered, it sounds as if completing the adoption is in everyone's best interests. This little girl gets stability, you, your DH and your family gets financial relief and BM can no longer use SD-4 to manipulate.

Best of all, if the SD-4 does in fact get to visit and insists on shitting her pants, you can bag her butt in rubber pull ups and send her home, shit and all, to BM and adopto daddy for clean up.

It is sad to hear how your situation has damanged so many lives.

Were I your DH I would make sure that the adoption is open so he can contact BM and SD-4 as times goes on in order to be able to verify that the kid is okay, cared for and that he has a conduit for making sure that he can keep her in contact with the facts of the situation.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I wish, wish, wish that BM would want DH to sign over custody. SD16 is a piece of work and already well down the path to PAS-I would say actually she has graduated with flying colors. To be rid of her in every sense of the word would be a dream.

BM does a piss poor job of parenting, but there is no way she is giving up the child support. While everyone bitches about the dads that just give up because they CAN NEVER WIN in these situations, lets not forget these less than noble bitches that use kids for a payday.

Get a job.

You should get a job to support yourself & your "accident" baby. This other child exists & while she is your husband's responsibility & not yours, you should be covering your costs & half your kid's, then your financial situation wouldn't be so dire as to make people think giving up a 5 year old is a good idea. Hopefully the people who were taken in by your "we can't afford food" also realize you & your husband unloaded a cost the easy way. Getting a job & helping your family is what real women do.

I get it OP. It's completely unfair to pay that ridiculous amount of CS when he barely gets to see the child or be involved in her life. It sucks but it sounds like she already has two parents at home. Yeah maybe she'll have issues about it one day, maybe not. Boohoohoo everyone has issues. Some kids grow up with abusive parents or have both parents abandon them or die and have to be raised in foster care or by grandparents. I know because I was one of those kids! Growing up in a home with two parents (biological or not) that love and support her is more than a lot of kids get in this life. If your DH had been allowed in her life more and been able to act as a real father to his daughter it would be a different story...but the system failed him and the little girl.

I think its a line of bull & that is as a professional, in the system. The OP talks about disliking the skid but "always treating her well", she lists CS outside the legal limits & her husband owing back support. She indicates a union job & a request for CS modification. I call BS on all of it. She likely treated the kid like crap, her husband acted in an immature way & yes, get a job & support yourself & YOUR mistake. Number 1 was not a mistake, she was sought & she deserves better then what this child is trying to tell us.

Again, I'm not JUST a BM or a SM, I work for the system.

Go away already, skid has a better future away from you & your husband.

I am not judging the op but would the bio father be as willing to give up his rights if they didn't have to pay as much cs. Seems to me that this is all anyone is talking about. Not what is best for the child.