Need to vent
Is it wrong of me to be irritated about my DH agreeing to pick up his son on our week off? This is the third time we are watching him on our off week while BM works and BM's boyfriend goes out to golf. I'm extremely irritated because I end up doing most of the child care since DH works more than I do. He seems to think that it's not a big deal, since I work in the child care field. Meanwhile, as I do this all day I work I come home to find that I am the only one potty training the two and a half year old, only one prepping meals, only one doing nap time (usually at 6pm because he doesn't get a nap all day at his BM's), only one cooking meals, changing diapers, only one pretty much doing anything because as a child care professional it literally kills me that this child has no stability in his life. I know a ton of you are going to tell me to disengage, but it's so hard letting a two year old have to shit himself and be self conscience about it, rather than do something that EVERY PARENT SHOULD WANT TO DO. My step son loves me during potty time. I am the only person he goes for. I am the only person who sits with him and actually talks to him while hes going potty. I am the only person who encourages peeing in the potty. I feel so drained and it's so frustrating that BM won't potty train at her house because it's "too distracting" and DH won't do it because I do. I just really was looking forward to a day that DH had off and we didn't have to be home potty training, with his son, and alone for more than 45 minutes during nap time. I guess I'm just tired. I'm 23 and have no kids of my own, but feel like I'm raising someone else's child. I want my own, not someone else's. Is that selfish? ;/
Sorry, I feel like a brat posting this but I'm literally regretting moving back within a 15 mile radius of BM. I just want to hide.
Don't disengage from a child
Don't disengage from a child this young, yikes. He obviously needs you, BUT that does not mean you should be doing everything !!! DH needs to step up and start parenting properly. Sit him down and calmly explain how important it is that he gets involved PRONTO! Good luck.
Agree with 20Years. Your
Agree with 20Years. Your instincts are good, and you are realistic, given your skid's young age. You are not the nanny. And by the way, you are too young to be talking care of your man's child. Have the talk, see how DH reacts and if it stresses you out, just come back on ST and post.
Every time I try to talk to
Every time I try to talk to him about how he needs to step up and be a dad to his kid he attacks me and says that he's a fine parent and he does the best he can. It's hard to express to him that what he's doing is not enough, since he think's he's the perfect day in every way. :/ I don't want to disengage. I love my step son and want whats best for him. He's a great kid and very smart. But it's things like me getting him into speech therapy since everyone else was too lazy to do it and he's two and a half and still only says two words, and not even in a sentence. Just 'Bubba" our dog's nick name, and NO. I had to call and schedule appointments and make arraignments on my schedule so he could even be evaluated and slotted for a FREE program that BM could have enrolled him in at a year old. It's things like this that get to me, and then an added day to our already packed week is just draining.
^^THIS^^ OP, seriously, you
^^THIS^^
OP, seriously, you have to stop letting them run you ragged taking care of THEIR kid. Of course he attacked you, he has it made, and does not want to change. You are parenting his child and he does not have to do anything. I see a lot of myself in you. When I first started dating DH, I did try, because neither he nor BM did anything but baby him, bribe him, be his buddy, and pass him back and forth, ignoring ALL the important things because it was easier. I tried and tried and it only ended up hurting my marriage because DH viewed me as a nagging bitch, and then it wore me completely out as well. I gave up because as he got older, he became totally out of control, treated me like shit, and there was no progress, just regression because the other people in his life were piss poor parents. But, parent is the operative word, THEY are his PARENTS, not me. He is THEIR child, not mine. He has been diagnosed with ODD and ADHD and is pretty much totally nutzo these days. He is almost six, still pees and poops his pants on a daily basis, acts like a two year old, and runs the show with BM and DH. Disengaging is the only way to survive parents like these and like the ones you are describing. There are levels to it and everyone has to find what works for them, you don't have to disengage 100% from the child. If you like the child and care for the child, that is your choice, but, in my opinion, you have to find a way to stop taking on all of the parental roles and responsibilities if you want to remain happy.
If I didn't make the
If I didn't make the appointments, SO's mother would. They're on good terms because when BM pulls out the trampoline and says jump, MIL asks how high.
Then let MIL jump however
Then let MIL jump however high BM demands her to. You have to let it go, take yourself out of the equation, let them do whatever they do and stop letting it burden you. Free yourself from it, if DH wont do it but his Mom will, that still takes it off of your shoulders.
I have a couple of questions
I have a couple of questions for you, Thatonegirl, but first let me say you're NOT being a BRAT. You're feelings are valid and totally unserstood.
My first question is this: If it is BM's period of visitation with the child, then why is she not arranging for a babysitter(and not you. You are your husbands wife, not BM's babysitter), during her working hours like the rest of us working parents have had to do?
Next, you say your husband works more hours than you. Does he work 50 hours a week, 60? And how many do you work IF YOU INCLUDE doing the grocery shopping, laundry, keeping the house clean and cooking? (That is worth at around 20 hours per week at my house)
What kind of hours (days/evenings/nights/weekends)do you, your DH and the BM work?
My last question is about the child. Do you think that there are other milestones that the child is not on target with, and if so, what are they and what do you think may be the cause?
I'm just trying to get a better idea of how things are before I chime in with some great advice.
1) BM is used to using
1) BM is used to using everyone around her to watch her child, including but not limited to: grandparents (both her parent's and SO's), her boyfriend, her other father of her older daughter, her drug addict brother who has several charges pending against him as I type this. She refuses to pay for a babysitter, and when SO and her discussed daycare options, she chose the most expensive and demanded we pay half of it on top of the $720 she gets in child support a month. With daycare and child support, he would be giving her more than one pay check a month. It's fiscally impossible for us to do this. She disagrees. SO reminded her that in the CS agreement, it states that $400 of the CS is designated for daycare.
2) SO works anywhere from 50-65 hours a week, sometimes more when his area is in season. I only work part time as an assistant teacher, about 20-25 hours a week. I only work that many hours because I'm attending school next semester and I didn't want to have to back away from hours when someone else who could work full time consistently in the year could have the job. As for cleaning, cooking, ect, all in all it's about 15-20 hours I suppose. (I've never looked at it as an hourly thing, just something that gets done lol)
3) I schedule my shift's around SO's, so they vary. I get weekends off on the weekends we have SS so someone will definitely be home with him, which in most times results in SS visiting me for the weekend, and SO seeing his son for about 6 waking hours. BM works also, in the same career field as SO, restaurant managing. Her boyfriend is laid off and does not work, hence his free time to go golfing as often as he wants. (oh also random aside, BM refuses to sign a parenting plan and have one set in stone because she 'doesn't understand why it's necessary', so that's why we get him whenever, and every other weekend and one week night.
4) I think SS is smart and physically up to par for his age. He's target weight/height, he does things that other children do, is developing curiosities like animals and showing signs of remembering for extended periods of time. It's just the speech, which I think is because while we lived out of state BM had her father and brother "watching" both SS and her daughter. They never spoke to him, never tried to make him say things, couldn't really be bothered. BM is the same way and it's being shown again with potty training.
It broke my heart today when SS grabbed his potty and got his books and sat down next to my side of the bed ready to go potty this morning. I don't think I'll be able to disengage. He just seems so excited to learn and do new things and I don't want to crush that in him.
My advice to you is this: get
My advice to you is this: get a parenting plan and child support modification asap. Those can take a year to get through the court system. The kid will be starting school before you know it and he probably doesn't know what the word "home" means because BM's got him living like a hobo. NOT GOOD.
And daycares aren't ideal, but they have structure, unlike uncle billy bob joe who wont even talk or interact with the child.
I am glad to hear that the child isn't late on any other milestones.
DISENGAGE!!!! So what you're
DISENGAGE!!!! So what you're in the childcare field, you get PAID for that. You don't get paid to be he and BM's free babysitter, free potty trainer, etc. No way!!!! Put your foot down now!!!!