Lost my own to PAS, have two step and two bio - looking to connect with others
I don't know anyone that has an even similar story to mine so I would greatly appreciate it if anyone on here could share their story with me.
I haven't seen my own two children (son is 19, daughter is 14) in about a year now. I don't have the resources to fight for them and a troubled teen counselor said that my efforts to enforce the child custody agreement at this point would cause even greater bitterness. My ex has used our children as his confidants and overshared with them about things he was feeling over our break up. He also talked to them about things that he suspected about me which were completely false. He has not excepted the fact that our marriage was failing miserably. Somehow he has forgotten all the times I talked to him about my unhappiness, the counseling sessions we went through, the fights, etc. He's decided that it was all my fault and he is the victim and our children feel sorry for him. Plus he lets them do whatever they want.
I have since remarried (it's been 5 years since I left my ex) and I now have surprise twins. I also have two skids (12 and 7) whom I really do not care for. I've complained on here about them several times. They are completely delayed in so many areas - they are rude, obnoxious, and lazy.
I tried very hard to love my skids because of the loss of my own but they are cleary completely different from me (mostly because of their rude obnoxious mother) and I am now mostly refusing to have anything much to do with them. I am nice and all but I leave all the logistics to my very dear husband. He is wonderfully understanding. I refused to take my SS to school this morning because I don't want to be alone that long with him, yet I am making his favorite dinner tonight. See how I operate? I care about them but but I don't like them.
Anyone have anything similar to this situation?
I have no children so I don't
I have no children so I don't have that in common, but I do have an adult SS27 that I treat pretty much like you.
I have allowed him to visit in our second home for two very big events in town. He had the best time of his life. I had him over for a Christmas meal (after I spent the early part of the day with my family). I had a stocking made for him. I found a hard to find food item that he loves and bought it for him.
So I am not totally evil.
My SS on the other hand is a pathetic loser bum with a drinking problem. He's been to multiple rehabs, boot camp, jail, etc. He's been homeless and I have not allowed him in our home. I've posted about his thinking my salt bowl was cocaine. I cringe at the thought of his being in my life.
Of course mine is an adult so that is very different. I feel zero responsibility for him for anything. But I occasionally do something nice for him.
I think about what it will be
I think about what it will be like when they are older. I think when I first married their father I wasn't really considering much past their 18th birthday, you know? I realize that's unrealistic but when we're talking about custody arrangements, it only lasts until their 18. Then I started thinking about their later years and it kind of depresses me. We'll see. Hopefully they'll do very well.
I'm sorry your SS is not doing well in life but I'm glad you are kind towards him. Who knows, that may make a difference eventually!
I do not have any Bios of my
I do not have any Bios of my own. HOWEVER, I have two SD's, 19 and 15 and YES, DH and I have been through the same thing!
Your ex has done the EXACT same thing that my DH's ex did to his Daughters!!
Read up on "emotional incest" because that's exactly what has happened in both our cases. BM told SD's all of the details about the divorce, shared personal, intimate details about her marriage and relations with DH. She shared things that no adult or parent should ever share with their children.
BM told the girls literally EVERYTHING and still does. Of course, however she villainizes DH but makes herself out to be the innocent victim who has done no wrong and doesn't deserve to accept any responsibility for anything.
BM tells SD's about her own love life now and dates with men. Shares her stories of nights out at the bars with her girlfriends. Speaks loudly on the phone so SD's can hear all of her personal phone calls, discusses her financial issues and burdens with SD's, talks about drama at work....basically, speaks to them and behaves like their BFF's. Even SD'15 refers to her BM as her "BFF" and brags about how they talk about everything.
BM infiltrates SD's minds, brainwashes them....by being so open and 'vulnerable' she has made it so easy to make SDs feel as if their Mom needs them and they are partly responsible for her emotional being and happiness, which makes it easy for SD's to fall victime to guilt trips, PAS etc. BM also displays almost ALL of the signs and symptoms of being a narcissistic mother.
BM also has convinced SD's that any and all hardships they have is DH's fault, she says stuff like "We used to be able to afford that before your Dad left us" "Your Dad abandoned us" "Your Dad should pay more child support" "I had to give this and that up after the divorce". It's a viscious circle!!!
SD's didn't speak for DH for a period of time as well. SD19 lives with us now (she actually has a different BM than SD15 but SD15's BM spoke to her and told her the same things). But SD19 went through phases where she wanted nothing to do with us. Sd15 is very cautious around us and basically only wants to have anything to do with us during Holidays when she gets gifts.
Read up on emotional incest, narcissistic parents and PAS.
Wow....that is SO similar!!
Wow....that is SO similar!! I have read up on narcissist parents too and I believe my ex definitely fits the description. Even his own family thinks that. I still have contact with much of his family that he's "disowned>" He feels the world is against him and if anyone disagrees with him, then he drops them. When I was married to him, we didn't have any contact with his parents because they supported his brother's marriage that he did not. He finally softened but later disowned them again over a stupid lawnmower. He only has a relationsip with his mother right now because it was his father's dying wish.
Now my children are in this incredibly negative environment in which they feel completely dependent on him. We began having a very strained relationship as soon as the divorce was final and we shared custody 50/50. He did so many inappropriate things concerning their emotional health but it would be too much. My children have pretty much disowned everyone too. Even my family has continued to try and reach out to them but it's like they feel my ex is the only one they need.
My ex makes me the bad guy every chance he gets. I read my daughter's blog (she doesnt' know) and she complains a lot about her dad but she also has rewritten some of her history, decribing me in ways that I've never been. I believe they are absolutely brainwashed.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry you are going through the same sort of thing but seeing that your SD19 is with you now, it gives me hope. One time I did talk to a reputable lawyer about PAS and all but he advised me that it would be an expensive, lengthy, and intrusive that often makes matters worse and is had to prove.
So I wait it out and hope they figure things out soon. I knew leaving my ex would have a terrible consequence but I had no idea it meant my children. I figured he'd try to sabotage my job or reputation or something. I guess he did all that with our children.
Thank you for that. I know
Thank you for that. I know it's true. I also wonder if the reason I can't stand my step kids is partly because I am with them when I should be with my own. My step kids are troubled for sure and many that are close to our family are concerned about their behaviors.
It's interesting because they are very dependant on their mother too. She also plays the victim in many ways. My SS12 calls her every day several times while he's with us but he never calls his dad when he's with her. He's icky mushy with her, especially for a 12 yeaer old. And my SD7 often corrects me about things because her mother does it a different way. We expect decent table manners and I am one of those that despises smacking almost to the point that I will leave the table. I've always been that way but I'm not a scrooge or anything, I just politely remind them to chew with their mouth closed. She tells me "it's ok because my mom doesn't care if I do." Ugh It's things like that.
Yes, you are abolutely right!
Yes, you are abolutely right! We do have house rules and my DH is completely on board. I am lucky in that we are absolutely a united front. He corrects their table manners too but the smacking affects me more. It's like nails on a chalkboard. We have talked about recording mealtime or putting a mirror in front of them.
Usually when my SD says those sorts of things, it's when he is not around. When she said that it basically said, "Well, it's being considerate to others because MOST people don't want to hear others eat. They may not tell you and just refuse to eat with you again. Some don't mind, but many people mind A LOT!"
My skids think we're mean to them because we expect them to put their clothes in their hamper, knock at closed doors, listen the first time, turn off the screens and play outside, etc.
I have a story I must share and I think it's pretty telling as to the ways things are at their mother's:
So my husband was married for a short time when he was 20 or so (like less than a year) because he and she were young and stupid. It was clear right away that it shouldn't have happened but there it is, they did it. But he doesn't really even count that as a marriage per se since almost as soon as they did it, they were trying to get out of it. My husband didn't marry again until he was 33 to his kids mother. They divorced after 10 years together. So now we've been married for almost 3 years.
So, one night at dinner, we were all together (skids came to us that night) and my DH mentions that he is happy to have everyone there. My SS12 says, "I'd be happy too if I had my children and my THIRD wife sitting with me." Wha?!?! And he said it with such a sarcastic tone that I could have just slapped him. And then his SD proceeds to name his first wife (I didn't even remember her name) and talked about how he's been married three times. So, my DH quickly changes the subject looking at me in disbelief. We didn't know what to do. So obviously his ex is talking a lot about him to their kids. It was just really weird the way it came up and how it's never come up before.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments! I hope to hear more. It does help...