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C8D's picture

Submitted by C8D on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 2:08pm

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Blended Family Issues

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My boyfriend and I are getting married soon and also looking to buy a house. I have a 12 year old son and he has a 9 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. His ex wife has primary placement and he has the kids overnight every other weekend. At both his ex-wife's house and at his current place, his son and daughter share a bedroom. Unfortunately, because of his divorce and ensuing bankruptcy and foreclosure, he has no cash and no credit. I will be supplying all the money and financing to buy our new house (most likely before we even get married). A four bedroom is out of my current price range. The issue for me is that my boyfriend is insisting that when we move in together, his son and daughter can no longer share a bedroom, and that I should force my 12 year old son to share a room with his six year old son (who has diagnosed emotional, behavioral, and language issues, and for whom my soon-to-be teenager has very little patience). Is it wrong for me to expect his kids to continue to share a room when they are only going to be with us four nights a month, and when I'm the one footing the bill for the house in the first place? I feel that since my son is living with me 100% of the time, is much older, and because his kids are already used to sharing a room, that his scenario would cause more problems than it will solve.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 2:10pm

No you ARE NOT WRONG! If HE is paying for this house than HE can decide who gets what. But since he is NOT, NO, his kids need to share a damn room.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 2:14pm

If he doesn't want his kids to share a room then he needs to buy a pull out sofa and the 6 year old can sleep there and the girl can have the bedroom. I just LOVE how these men pull this shit! Holy Jesus!

C8D's picture

Submitted by C8D on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 2:20pm

Thanks. My gut was telling me that his suggestion was unreasonable, but I'm new at this whole blended family thing and don't want it to come off like his kids aren't important to me. They are, but my son would freak out if I put this on him.

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 2:28pm

No you're not being unreasonable at all.
I like the idea of them alternating between the pullout and just have all their shit in the bedroom.

Still Have Hope's picture

Submitted by Still Have Hope on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 3:43pm

You need to protect your son from an accusations of abuse. BM could be the vindictive type and claim your son abused hers. This happened to a friend's son. CPS and the police were involved. Many months of turmoil before her son was cleared. No 12 year old should share a bedroom with a 6 year old. Tell your SO this is not negotiable.

C8D's picture

Submitted by C8D on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 6:02pm

He is a great partner to me, a loving father to his kids, and patient and kind to my child (who's own father is a deadbeat loser from hell). However, I do think that as with most things in life, it always comes down to money. He was honest about his financial situation from day one, so I went into this with my eyes open. And, I don't mind helping to provide for his kids if it becomes a matter of necessity, but not at the expense of my child's happiness or my financial well-being. I figure I can afford three bedrooms, and I'm happy to let him have access to the third for his kids, but not more than that. But without some perspective from others similarly situated I was starting to wonder if I was the one who was being unreasonable about at as opposed to vice-versa.

I do really like the idea of a sleeper sofa or air mattress and then letting the kids switch off weekends where they get the bedroom to themselves. I think that is a solution we can all live with!

sonja's picture

Submitted by sonja on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 4:58pm

This is SUCH a common issue. same sex or not, skids having to share seems to be the end of the world. Funny how the NCP has to pay the CP because having the child FT includes meaning they have to provide a larger house.

Then everyone bitches of NCP offers a couch or sleepingbag instead of a individual room and bathroom for each child to have to themselves fulltime but that theyll use only 4 days a month. SM is supposed to put her 3 bios in the same room so skids enjoy 'being apart of the family' Give me a freaking break!

Everyone knows skids only use their rooms for sleeping, they dont spend time in their rooms like bios would, so who gives if they have to share. I am trying to find the extra $ in my own situation so SD can have her own room so my BS and our hopefully future child wont have to share with HER, not so she is treated like royalty on those 4 days a month!

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 6:07pm

Since he's insisting you purchase a you 4 bedroom house, you should insist he get a 2nd or 3rd job to help pay for it.

I agree with his opinion, but his ass is broke. What gives him the right to tell you how to spend your money?

C8D's picture

Submitted by C8D on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 6:13pm

His point of view is that we should consider them ALL "our" kids so that nobody gets preferential treatment. Following that line of reasoning, if they were "ours" then this would not be an issue because the logical solution would be for the boys to share. This sounds good in theory but I'm finding that it doesn't play out in reality. Especially when it comes to discipline (and table manners)...don't even get me started!!

forgotten wife's picture

Submitted by forgotten wife on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 10:03pm

"...my boyfriend is insisting..."

This is the issue. It will only get worse.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 9:58am

^^^^THIS!!!!!!!!!! Such a glaring glimpse into the future. Like a fucking NEON sign!

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 8:56am

Having a bedroom for a child who is only there four nights a month is ridiculous. I wouldn't have a bedroom for either of them. Have a den/office/craft room, whatever YOU would use, with either a pull out couch or a futon and one of them can sleep there. The other can sleep on the living room couch. They do not need their own bedroom to visit two weekends a month!!!

And please tell me YOUR NAME will be the ONLY name on that house!!!

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 9:51am

My brothers and I shared a bedroom way into our teens. I don't get what's the issue. Not everyone in the world is able to provide extra bedrooms. There were 4 of us, 2 boys and 2 girls. Ages 16Girl, 14Boy, 7Boy, 1Girl. We ALL slept in the same room!
I wouldn't let MY Bio15 sleep in the same room with SD12, but they aren't blood related, so I can get that, but these kids are brother and sister. If you go on vacation are you getting 4 bedrooms at the hotel because the kids can't share a room? That's freaking ridiculous.

theoutsider's picture

Submitted by theoutsider on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 12:48pm

If you buy a house with your money,.... It is YOUR house!

Personally,... I would mention to him that you are going to buy a 2 bedroom because that's all you can afford on your own and if he wants to move in there with you, both of his kids will have to sleep in the livingroom on couches....

Just See what he says,....
Would he offer to help buy the house then?
Would he say lets stay where we are now?
Would he not want to live with you?
Would he want to break up?

Its just food for thought.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Sun, 03/17/2013 - 6:22pm

"...at the expense of my child's happiness or my financial well-being."

You are already in a significant danger zone with this man. Why get married? Please, please, please reconsider this!! He is on the verge of bankruptcy and foreclosure?

Why not live together, let him have a few years to get himself back on his feet financially (and show that he can without glomming on to you for support) and salso ee how things work out with his kids and yours.

If you do get married, he can stake a claim on your house, your assets, and his kids may wind up spending even more time with you. You and your kid can easily wind up very unhappy. One of his kids has huge behavioral issues and you want to tie yourself legally to all that?

He is already insisting his kids will have priority placement in the home, even though he isn't spending a dime on it.

Why in the world would you get legally tied to this kind of nightmare? Please explain your thought process...

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Submitted by HowBoutScottyDont on Tue, 07/03/2018 - 2:53pm

Please, please do not let him put his name on the house deed or mortgage, and please please sign a prenup such that if you split, the house is not factored in a divorce settlement.  With that said, I would not legally marry this man. Live together, set up an agreement where he pays a certain percentage towards household bills. Tell him that with the current state of his finances, and the fact that you are a single parent, that you cannot take on the added risk as it could negatively impact your child.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 07/06/2018 - 1:44pm

Full time resident kids get priority on rooms.  Pretty simple. My assumption is that your 12yo is a primary resident in your home while the the Skids are on a visitation schedule.   This has nothing to with age, gender, etc... It is purely an excercise in logic and logistics.

There is no need to discuss it beyond the logic.

IMHO of course.

Keep it simple.