Advice Column: My fiance and his daughter are incredibly close...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-mom-wants-to-p...
I thought her advice was kinda weak. What do you think?
Hi, Carolyn: My fiance and his daughter are incredibly close. She is in her early 20s and still maintains the visitation schedule she had as a minor. She comes over to have special time with her dad three times per week. He gets out of work early and they go together to the gym or store, play games and watch movies. He serves her dinner on the couch and brings her dessert, pre-cut with a morsel on the spoon.
I live at his house and can join them if I want to. If we all go somewhere, they take souvenir photos together that don’t include me. I told him last week that I feel humiliated when they do this because it says to me they want to remember the trip as if I hadn’t been there. He understood, but, my goodness, how hurtful is that behavior? In our early years together, saying anything about this subject would end in a vicious fight with me being called jealous, insecure, immature and threatened.
I went to a counselor years ago regarding my concerns that his daughter was actually his significant other. The counselor said that, in his opinion, their intense attachment would fade over time. Ten years later, this has not occurred. If anything, I think they are grateful to have more time together now that her mother is not able to control her movements so much.
Since graduating from college, she has not gotten a job or gone to graduate school and has never had a boyfriend.
I don’t think this is healthy for her or us.
When he is with his child, his face lights up. I feel the strain on all of us when we are together as they try to balance their desire to enjoy their time unreservedly and his self-correction that he has to make me feel included.
Since I am the one with the problem, should I move out and break off our engagement? Am I displaying ugly jealousy and competitiveness? — Second Fiddle
Carolyn: Actually, they are the ones with the (much bigger) problem, but that’s neither here nor there, for your purposes.
When you are unhappy, and when the source of that unhappiness isn’t changing, words like “jealousy” and “competitiveness” just cloud the issue. This is your life. You are not married and you are not raising a child (right?). You do what you want with your life. If you want to leave, then leave.
I hope you do — and, on your way out, give counseling another shot. Ten years is a long time to spend toughing it out, blaming yourself and watching your fiance’s face not light up around you.
I think the whole
I think the whole daddy-daughter thing (as described above) is unhealthy and unnatural. It's a huge ego stroke for the dad, and the girl is not the lil' wifey. She's a kid. She should have interests of her own. Red flags are there all around.
Honestly I think it borderlines on incest.
Ugh my DH and my SD are like
Ugh my DH and my SD are like that, but not nearly as intense as this. Whenever he sees her, he always makes sure he wears a shirt she bought him. Then when I put one of his shirts on to sleep in a couple days ago, he proceeded to tell me to "make sure I didnt mess it up, not just cause SD bought it for him but because he really likes it" then he continues that most of the shirts in his closet SD has bought for him......needless to say I wont be wearing anymore shirts of his to bed.
While I don't have anywhere
While I don't have anywhere near the kind of problems the LW has, I too have experienced the whole "face lights up" thing.
Since I don't have kids, I just figured it was a normal parent happy to see his kids. But once the skids got older, I noticed his face did not "light up" when he saw his son only his daughter.
She is his favorite, always has been. And the son knows it. Which is the saddest part of all ...
PS - my father and my sister
PS - my father and my sister have a similar relationship although not as close because my parents are still married...no worries, my sister is pretty f#$%%ed up because of it and she still can't see it. She had a decent husband, not great, a bit jealous, but then again, who wouldn't be when you only pay attention to your daddy. Anyway, know that girls that are like this hardly ever turn out ok. My sister is a mess. It tears me up because I have tried to tell her, but she thinks I am just jealous. Mind you, yes, my dad has treated me like crap all my life, but honestly, at least I am not as messed up as her because of it.
If we are all at a party, my father will dance with my sister instead of my mother. She hangs on him constantly and asks him for advice on anything and everything...her husband got pretty fed up.
I am glad to hear you say
I am glad to hear you say this, as I know I am not alone with this kind of experience. My sister was also my father's favorite and wound up being an emotional mess, too.
One of my goddaughters went down the same path - a true daddy's girl. I remember at a celebratory party for her at 8 years of age, she wanted a particular "daddy/daughter" song put on the speakers. She then DEMANDED that everyone leave the house (including her mother) so that her and her father could dance to it alone.
And yes, she is screwed up now that she is an adult. Dropped out of school, drugs, messed up relationships, etc.
Although I loved my father dearly, I think that not being a Daddy's girl was one of the best things that NEVER happened to me!
I cannot understand why your
I cannot understand why your mother accepted this for herself and especially for you. I am sorry you went through it. But as you have turned out better for it, I congratulate you.
I'm on the same team. Had I
I'm on the same team. Had I not nudged SD to move out, she'd still be living with us at 29. I saw the intense connection between her and DH before we got married. The sun rose and set on her. Every other word out of his mouth was her name. After we married, it became a competition between her and me. I recall telling DH on more than one occasion that I would not/could not compete w/SD. They were more like husband and wife and I knew it wasn't healthy. SD had such a difficult time accepting the fact that daddy had married, that my MIL called her BM to encouraged her to spend more time w/SD.
SD has exhibited signs of anorexia. The relationship has indeed changed at this point. They don't see each other that often, but SD still has emotional scars and is battling other health issues. I attribute this to her unhealthy attachment to daddy, and anger that he didn't chose her over me.
The poor saps don't realize they're doing their daughters more harm than good.