Move in to their place or start fresh in a new place? Please advise!
My boyfriend and I are discussing marriage and one hot topic has been where we would live. We both own our condos and he has a 10 year old daughter. I'm happy to move to their neighborhood and even sell my place, but I don't want to move into their house. It's the house he bought with his ex wife, and they have lived there for ten years. I already have a sense of dread about someday feeling like I'm a visitor (at best) in my home or an intruder (at worst). My boyfriend has broached the topic with his daughter who naturally does not want to move since this is the only home she's ever known. He is concerned for her well being and fears that a marriage and a move might be too much change for her and might be too traumatic. I feel like there will be a huge adjustment regardless, but that moving to a new home that we pick out together gives us an opportunity to have a fresh start together. Can any of you share some insight on this based on your experience? Please play devil's advocate; I really want to know if I'm being unreasonable or insensitive. I certainly feel like I am:-(
Can you tell me why it was a
Can you tell me why it was a big mistake? And looking back, would there have been any way to remedy the situation short of buying a new place? PS-my inclination is to do exactly what you suggest, but I really am trying to consider every solution.
It's a little scary for me to
It's a little scary for me to read how many people here seem to want a "safe" house or place away from their "blended" family. The step existence sounds so stressful on so many levels. Is there any way for it to succeed? How is your marriage?
We've talked about a prenup,
We've talked about a prenup, and you raise a good point. Did you move in with your DH when you got married? What dictated that decision and how do you think the kid(s) would have adjusted if you had moved to a new place?
I agree with you, all of you!
I agree with you, all of you!:-) But I want to be open-minded and respectful. My boyfriend is the stability and consistency in his daughter's life; I understand him wanting not to hurt her, but I agree with your statement that children are resilient. She also adores her dad; if he positions it as a positive thing that will be good for the family, i think she might be disappointed, but she will ultimately trust him.
Children, even in intact
Children, even in intact families, do not get to make these decisions. Parents decide and children adjust. It is not a good sign that your SO puts her opinion before yours and even his own. She is a child who in a few short years will have her own life. Her wants should not effect life choices of two adults.
I could not agree more! The
I could not agree more! The adults need to decide where the family will live.
My DH moved in with me and my boys first and a few years later we bought a house that is OURS and moved to a different town. My younger son, 12 at the time, was not happy, even if there are many advantages to being where we are right now. He is fine though - has new friends, plays on local teams, goes to a better school. At times he brings it up, his "deep unhappiness" with the move, his "I hate this town" invective, but guess what? We the adults made this decision, it works for all of us, and looking back on it years from now he will thank me ( i hope). Transition can be difficult, we moved in the middle of the school year, and we were sensitive to his wanting to hang out with old friends. We brought them over for sleepovers.
The dad can do a lot of things to make it easier on the daughter but let her dictate what the adults should do - no, thanks!
It is not his 10 year old
It is not his 10 year old daughter's decision. Of course she doesn't want to move but that's not a reason not to. There's no reason why you couldn't buy a house in the same area to minimise the disruption but then it is both your house and not his. You are not being unreasonable.
If at all possible rent out
If at all possible rent out both condos and buy a place together. Rent will pay any residual notes on the properties and both can contribute equally to the note on new place...in BOTH names. A new house in DH's neighborhood is a good idea, minimal disruption for SD. Kids do adjust, as long as parents make it a positive experience. Incidentally, the WORST thing you can do is cater to a child's whim or tantrum. Children chop and change their minds, friends, likes and dislikes on a dime! How many toys or hobby items sit in the garage, loft or spare room? Those items were 'must haves' at the time...right?
Good luck.
I moved into DH's house,
I moved into DH's house, because it was one bedroom larger than mine and it was across the street from BS and SS's best friends hosue. Also, the housing market crashed. So, I kept my house and rent it out. I actually make a profit on it. I split the bills here, except the mortgage. He pays since I sacrificed to move in to "their" home.
What I did do, was completely re-model and re-work the yard. It no longer looks like her house. I even had a bay window put in and had a Portico built on the front. Also, made him pay since it was his house and not mine. Any work, I do on my rentals, I pay for. They are my exit strategy.
You can move into their house, you just have to figure out how to make it your own. I spent a lot and had a lot of work done, but now it feels like mine. That includes, taking down every last picture of his time with her and stuffing in a box. Since SD moved out, most of her pics are gone as well. I have kept some, but they are ones from a time, she was nice to DH.
You have to do what you can to make it yours.
^^^^^^I agree with
^^^^^^I agree with this!!^^^^^^^
I sold my home when DH and I moved in together. Mine was more of his kids were in high school and my oldest was only in K5. It is hard moving into the ex's home, the hag still says it is her house and they have been divorced for almost 13 years and she only lived there for 6 months before they split! I have been, after five years, gradually remodeling our home. You can't do it all at once, the skids will not like it and it will cause major issues with you. Start with the master bedroom and bath, then the kitchen/laundry/guest room. Do the family area last and include your SD in the project in that room. Then, after she sees how much fun you guys had together ask her if she would like to redo her bathroom and bedroom, to freshen it up a bit, make it more to her age. That's how I got my SD's on board, they really enjoyed it and didn't realize what I was really doing.
Your big problem will be putting your own pics up if he has a bunch of SD already in place. We have one room like that, nothing but pics of SD and DH's family. Its been five years and I haven't touched them! You don't want SD to feel like you are erasing her and she will if you do it all right away. Gradual is best.
And don't sell your condo unless you are good with that. Renting it out is a good choice. Just keep in mind there will be growing pains in the process of moving in and getting settled. I wish you the best with it!
I am agreeing with the other
I am agreeing with the other posters when I say this is NOT the child’s decision. Your bf is giving his daughter way too much power. Why is it up to a 10 year old to decide where the family will live? That’s a red flag!
To answer your question, I would NOT move into your boyfriend’s home. Reason being, he is always going to feel like that is HIS home and I think you will feel like an outsider (fyi you are already going to feel like an outsider when you become a stepfamily, but I think moving into his house will make it worse).
My suggestion would be to both sell your places and get a home of your own, OR is it possible for him to move in with you? I would do whatever you have to do to not move into his house. The ex will probably have strong feelings about another woman moving into “their house” too and that will most likely create more problems than you will already have.
Whatever you do, don’t worry about the kid. Kids are very resilient and you do not want to spoil her or make her think this is her choice. It’s the adults’ choice.
Buy a joint house together.
Buy a joint house together. I refused to move in with my DH when we were dating until he was out of his bachelor pad with SD14 (then 12), because it was "THEIRS". She decorated every room, she made the rules, it was HER place with her dear daddy and it was about a half mile up the street from BM. I was the visitor there.
We found an apartment about 5 miles away that could be OURS, decorated by US and a place where we could both feel comfortable.
SD of course did not like this and pitched a fit about having to move SO FAR AWAY from BM, her friends, her school, etc. She was coming over every other day until we moved, then it went to every other week. Now she doesn't come over at all and I'm fine with that!
Do not move into the ex
Do not move into the ex wife's house! You will hate it.