I think you should be honest with your wife, and say what you said here in your last paragraph, ie you are seriously contemplating leaving because of the situation with your stepson, that this is what will end up happening unless she starts parenting him properly. Your stepson laying hands in anger on your 2 year old is completely unacceptable and would be a deal breaker for most people.

She is obviously capable of parenting, as she did it in the beginning. You could point out to her that she is doing him no favours in letting him get away with stuff - he will turn into a nasty, unlikeable adult who is unable to have a successful relationship. Unless you and your wife can get onto the same page with regards to parenting and discipline, I do not see this relationship surviving.

Your wife is the one you should hate, not her son.

She won't allow you deal with his behaviour.
She gave her son the green light to do nothing in the home.
If the child can't read/write at 11, and hasn't been tested to find out why, that's mom's fault as well.

The child is just responding to his mother's actions.

What last paragraph? Maybe my display isn't working right.

Anyway I agree that the problem is with Mom.

I would have removed the 2yo from the room instead of allowing her to play there.

If you noticed the crap under the bed while doing so? Why not just tell Mom, and leave it to her?

Being a step parent is like being employed in a company and working your ass off but not getting paid and not getting any say in anything, but still expected to work.

I was just sitting here thinking about something unusual, what if there was a family who had two parents and 3 kids, all bio kids, yet one of the parents was not allowed to disipline the oldest kid for some reason or another. That kid would certainly know how to work the sytem to get away with anything he wanted b/c he knew the one parent was out of commission and the other parent overworked and too busy to bother with him. Then if the other parent ever did step in it was a losing battle b/c the kid had gained so much ground in the home he was completely in control of the entire family with his rotten behaviors and the family was under his control and in the end it was that kid that controlled the home. He was the leader and he knew it and used that control to bully everyone else.

I went to the dog whisperer website the other day, thinking about trying to reteach our dog who is REALLY the leader in our home, Cesar says how to show a dog you are the leader you need to eat first and then feed the dog second, you need to go out of the door first and then let the dog follow you b/c dogs will think that if they get to go first then they are the leader. In dog packs the leader always gets to eat first and lead first. I think in a human family it needs to be similar even in the case of step parents, you have to be the leader and not only BE the leader but show that you are the leader, even if you are not the primary parent. In other words, you and your wife have to work as a leading TEAM. She needs to listen to you and you need to listen to her and then work together, letting the kids know that when mom says something it sticks and when dad and stepdad says something then the mom will make it stick. If you say to your wife that the bedroom needs cleaning she needs to in turn say to step son that the bedroom gets cleaned and step dad will put his stamp of approval on it. My dh will say to ss16 that the recroom gets cleaned today TO STERLINGS STANDARDS, and then I will look at it and say it's done well or not but dh was the one to give the cammand. He was the commanding/leading parent but the other parent was put into the leading position with the other parent. This will make the parents a team even though one is a step parent who should technically not parent but is a parent in the home.

I think in most blended homes the reason why your situation accurs is simply b/c the parent puts the step parent at the bottom instead of making the step parent the co-parent. Just b/c you're the step does not mean you are not a parent. I think at times kids think and say "you are not my mom/dad" and then think it's ok to not obey. Kids need to obey all adults no questions asked. Adults arethe leaders in life until kids grow up and can make right choices for themselves, adults are responsible for those kids until they grow up. Even a step parent has a certain amount of responsibility to take care that the child in his/her home is taught to be a responsible adult.

Maybe I'm off the mark with that last statement but I hope you get my point. If you are not being respected by your ss then maybe you are not taking control of your home with your wife as a team. You should sit down with her and explain how you two need to team up to bring ss up into adulthood in a responsible manner. Otherwise that kid is going to control your home, your kids and eventually you will HAVE to leave and/or the ss will have to go to a group home or somthing and then what? You either take the reins, or continue to let ss hold the reins. You are the man, even if you're (just) the step dad but you are the man, so be a man and take back your home. And stop blaming your wife, maybe she is not disciplining anymore but what are you doing for this kid. He's your step kid yes, but he's also just a kid who needs a leader. Your wife needs a leading partner too, so step up and step parent. Step parents have more power in their homes then they give themselves credit for. Who's home is it? ss? NO it's your home, so take it back and protect your little girl and discipline that 11 yr old, with or withut the support of your wife. She might just step up if she sees that you truly care for this kid in a loving firm manner. She might need you to co parent.

Ok that was a huge chunk I just wrote but I hope i made sense. Training children is very similar to training puppies.

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Your wife doesn't respect you as her husband or the head of your home. If you divorce her, she won't respect you as a father.

She has complete control right now and isn't shy about letting you know she will always control you. She's letting you know that she will be the BM from hell. She will use your kids against you.

How can you love a woman like that?

Your SS is not the problem in your home.

That boy could move out today and you will still be stuck with a woman who controls you and doesn't respect you.

I don't really have any solutions to offer. I am in a similar situation, cannot stand skid, still love DH, hate the state of my marriage and life because my life is the way it is, know that the majority of our troubles would be solved if skid was not around, and have a lot of resentment toward DH because HE is so permissive, HE allows the disrespect and intolerable behaviors, HE is the problem just as much as skid is. It is a nightmare to live. I have been telling everyone on here that is not yet married to not get married because if I had known that it would deteriorate to this level I would never have gotten married. I am like you, I get emotionally and physically ill over it. I agree with the other posters that have said tell her what your last paragraph says. Maybe she is just really that delusional and doesn't get just how much this is bothering you and needs a major wake up call.

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

I feel your pain. I have a 16 year old stepson. Although I don't hate him actually. That could be further from the truth. He's a good kid. Does your wife get mad at you because you try to correct the behavior or try to discipline?

Dude, I understand your frustration. I dated a man that whenever I said something about his son it caused an argument, with the dad stating I was picking on his son.
After a while I felt like I was walking on eggshells because SS would do something that would grate on my nerves - similar to your snot on the mirror incident- and I'd want to say something but was afraid if I did it would start an argument.
Fortunately for me I didn't have any kids with this guy so leaving was easier.

You don't want to divorce because you are afraid your wife will take your kids away,
I understand that. What you need to start doing is building your case right now.
You become super dad. Every doctor visit, dentist visit, play date, etc. you take the 2 and 4 month old to. You become the children's primary care giver. And document. If you get a work excuse for the doctor's visits, keep copies for your records.

Does your wife work? If not, you need to cut her allowance down to the bare minimum.
Stop paying for any thing unnecessary. Prepaid credit card for gas and groceries.

In a few years, your SD will be old enough to have a say in who she spends time with, so don't worry about being cut out of her life completely.

Start doing these things now. Maybe in a few years your wife might change, if so, great. But if not, by that time you will have a rock solid case proving you are your children's primary care giver and will have a good shot at getting joint if not primary custody of them.

Good luck!

My SS15 is not allowed in either my bedroom or my bathroom for those precise reasons. He thinks he can take anything from wherever he is, doesn't clean up after himself, and has no respect for other people's stuff. And I'm at the point that it really doesn't matter what his mom thinks, if he doesn't like it, he can leave.

I'm in similar situation with ss and dh. I'm to the point of hating dh along with his bratty selfish child. I told him four years ago this was going to happen. I would leave and take your biological children with you. They don't need to be around that kid.

I would just like to pose a question, would you be the same if it was your bio child
Acting like this ? Feeling like giving up and heading out the door. Maybe your wife has also had her gut full with the child. Sounds as though she might take her frustration out on her daughter unread of arguing with you all of the time. I struggle to wonder why some men think of leaving when things go wrong and are not all that plain sailing. Have you asked him what's going on, bullied?? Struggling with the new children in his life? The tension between his parents? The sister who doesnt seem to do anything wrong in his eyes. If his reading and writing is bad at his age has this been addressed with the school? Not blame on his mother. I have a step father who had taken on me and my5 siblings, he has been in our life constantly for over 20 years. My brother gave the whole family hell for years but my step father stuck
In there. And for all of the work, tears, stress that we went through as individuals trying to accepts
Our bio father would not return and all through the terrible teens, sibling rivalry and tantrums that my step father had to deal
With, with not just one but 6 individuals. He stuck through it!! And we can't thank him enough for it .
I am also in a step family and feel that I do the lion shares as
The woman, but do I give up when it gets tough? No!
We took our child to a child counsellor where she would find the right questions to ask and he could
Spill everything out knowing that no one would know and I can honestly he is a lot happier and the step family is a happier and healthier place to be. Your wife needs help from you and you as a family/ unit
To to address it together. Not for you to change your working hours so you don't have to see him. That I find is selfish. Maybe it's a case of you deep down wanting to leave...

Hey man, I feel for you. I really do. I got a job as a custodian in a school so i could get away from my step son. When he comes home from a friends place on the weekends or even for breakfast in the morning, i too feel queezy to my stomach. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. i am trying to find the right words to sat to my wife on how i feel about him. He has been diagnosed with high functioning autism, which means pretty much "normal" except for a few things. We just renovated out bathrrom and it cost us $5,000. he has done two things now to cause damage to it. I think theyre intentional the wife says theres other reasons. Im at the same point you are in. Hope it works out for you. Ill post again when i find the right way to tell my wife how i truly feel. good luck.

Your stepson is probably acting out because of pent up anger over his bio dad leaving him. Get that boy some professional help. I had to call the police to restrain my 15 year old bio son when the anger finally came out. He tore the rod out of his closet and used it to beat holes in all his walls. He spent a week in a mental hospital over it. Things were really bad until the day my son finally had the courage to tell his bio dad that he hated him. His relationship with his stepdad was very strained then also...but they are great friends now and it's only 3 years later. I think couples counseling could help...having a neutral person encourage your wife to hold her son accountable for bad behavior might be what she needs to follow through. Not sure why she's hard on her daughter but not her son....sounds like she has some emotional issue over men leaving her too? Good luck and hang in there. It's so counterproductive to fight and call eachother names, especially in front of the kids. At the very least sit down with her when you are both calm and tell her how you feel....without name calling.

Hang in there, I have been there I am lucky and my wife saw that she was being an unreasonable bitch. There was a time when I could do everything a dad does...pay the daycare..buy them crap...help with homework..go to school plays..take them to the park or to peter piper pizza etc...except be annoyed by anything they did or say anything negative about them. Its called me a step parent and it sucks the big one. Ss used to take a bite of an apple or whatever and throw it somewhere in the house and then go get another one. 12 apples in 2 days where none of them were actually eaten. I got mad about it and boom her and I were at war. Idont hate my skids...lol I hate 80% of the shit they do..which was from her being an over worked single mom with cobtrollibg pushover no clue about children parents who she lived with and deadbeat douche bag sperm donor's.

If I were you I would start putting all of this on your bride. When you see something that your SS does do not address it directly with SS unless he is endangering himself or others.

When your 2yo was playing in her brothers room and you noticed the garbage dump under his bed it would have been better for you to pick up the 2yo gone to your wife and told her you went in to get your 2yo out of SS's room and noticed the problem under his bed. Then led your wife to his room and showed her then told her either she deals with SS when he gets home or you will.

When DW climbs SD-14's ass for an out of place pillow then bare DW's ass immediately. "Really? Your are climbing SD-14's ass when SS-11 is a disgusting pig who's room is a pigsty. Nope, not happening in my home. Do not say a word to SS-14 about chores until you get SS-11 and his nasty crap dealt with and SS-11 is doing chores consistently."

Put your foot down. Give DW a chance to talk about it in private with you but let her know that it will be delt with and SHE will deal with it or you will. She has a choice, get the parenting and discipline done before you have to or STFU.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Rags,

You are really starting to become a favorite of mine on this site. I love your thinking! Can you come over to my house for awhile?

I'm an old skool Italian, also, so I completely understand your frustrations. However, I am also a female. I can tell you with 100% certainty that your wife does not respect you as a husband. She is disgracing the Italian traditional family values. Her shitty son is her husband, not you. And the people who will be most affected by it are SD and 2 year old daughter.
She should be a real woman and respect the man that vowed to love, support and cherish not only her but also her unruly kids. I highly doubt that many other men would. You don't have to deal with this. The stress is not good for you nor your BD. I would call a lawyer, document everything and see how you can go about getting physical custody of your daughter. Heck, your SD would probably volunteer to live with you, as well.

Ok here goes, i married a women with a 27 year old son. Well to say the least i hate him, he sleeps till 2pm in the afternoon, he lives with me and my wife, he goes to bed at 4am and wakes up at 2pm and watches videos all day on youtube. He has never had a real job, he works for 6 months and then gets fired and lives off unemployment and then spends all of that on going to exoctic locations, he been on umemployment for more than 1 year.

So he lives with his father for 6 months and them his mother for 6 months, he has a education in finance, but doesnt use it. So i have been with my wife for 1 year here and 9 months of that one year he has lived with us and has not worked and just sleeps and sleeps and does nothing, and he claims he is looking for a job, i hate him, he is a total bum, my wife defends him, i want to choke him. He takes showers here with his 10 year old grandson, and he is 27, to me this is sick, sick, sick, but my wife says its ok its normal, so i live and married this total disfunctional family and i cant stand it and i hate the son.