Letting go with a sense of peace – after I’ve done something wrong (bad step mum)
Ok here is my story it’s a long one. I enjoyed reading everyone’s stories and what most experienced step mums are saying
-don’t be a step mum
-if you are, let go.
After 20 years of being a doormat and then I spoke up and now I am the bad witch for all time and 2/3 of SKs don’t want anything to do with us, guess what I don’t care. Do they really think I loved seeing them when they wanted money or (b) to pick up their birthday or Christmas gifts. Also my DH was an abandoned child, came from 3 generations of divorce and never saw his Dad from the ages of 11-17. Last Christmas we saw his Dad twice. I build the bridges I love families.

So I did wrong. You’ll hear that story later.

Sad Stepmum story. Every Christmas we give SK’s $250 cheque or a nice expensive gift they help choose for themselves like kitchen appliances or jewellery ( they are mostly students so money is preferred gift). They give us a little gift, that is fine. Don’t care box of chocolates pack of coffee tea light holder, we just like to see them. We’d like more something to look forward to, like are you coming to visit on Christmas Day. We have had nothing, no expectations, would be nice if you’d organise to meet up one or two days before or after Christmas, sometimes they have turned up at 3 pm Christmas day without warning when we are all having a nap, or on Christmas Eve one of them called can I come bring my boyfriend and 3 Japanese exchange students for Christmas lunch. We are fine with any of these scenarios because as the non custodial parents we are just grateful for any contact whatsoever. They now say “Mum has to have Christmas at her place every year”. We know we are just on the periphery of their lives.

Sad stepmum story #2. SS has nothing to do with us, he literally rings up when he wants money. One time 4 years ago he came around crying on Sunday morning. Been drunk and in a fight, black eye and broken tooth. Like our daughter then primary school really needs to be exposed to this. DH rang our family dentist, got him in as an emergency case, paid for his crown ($2000). No thank you and then guess what, we still don’t see him.

Sad stepmum story #3. OSD hates me becauseshe thinks I broke up her parents marriage. Its true I was the other woman, I can own that as does their father, however DH and BM have their own issues like why did they have 3 children in an obvious toxic situation, the 2 of them (DH and BM) have and had nothing at all in common. They were together for 7 years and had 3 children. I’ve been with her father for 20 years and we had 1 child, OSD needs to grow up. Her parents are not going to get back together! She is not the princess of Dad’s life and its not all about her and her issues. Yes, our daughter gets more stuff than she did. I have a high paid job and I have one child. If I want to get her teeth straightened and pay for private hockey coaching, I will do that. It’s my money that I earnt. Not OSD’s money that she thinks should be divided between all the children equally. She has an opinion about she’s so hard done by because she never got those resources- maybe she should ask her mum why she had another child to a dead beat dad who didn’t pay. In my will its all divided by 4. But right now, I put my resources towards my own daughter. OSD has anxiety and will not come to our home without a friend or boyfriend in tow, we have fed so many of these people we will never see again, she assumes she’s welcome. Guess what, she is welcome. When we’re old and want help will we be welcome at her place? I don’t think so.

Sad stepmum story #4. My parents were not that thrilled I was dating a man with 3 children. However they toughened up. Children stayed at their house for our wedding. My parents have been on MANY family holidays with these children. They have their boundaries, however when I was parenting the children full time, they sent birthday cards to our home. They ALWAYS made room and hospitality, because the father was my choice and the kids were part of the package. I am so sad that in later life, when these children go to my parents home town, its not even in their radar to look them up for a cup of tea. For our family they were family, but for them, the stepmums family are a picture on the wall. I understand how that is normal for them. For our family, its normal for us to make room for extended and non- biological family. I have some hurt about how we were not included in their lives or the image they have of their lives.

Sad stepmum story #5. This is the one where I did wrong. Good relationship with YSD. Went on a family holiday and invited her for the days she could come. She drank wine and enjoyed herself. Then maybe she drank a bit too much wine and started criticising DH why weren’t you around when I was growing up. We explained we are not that wealthy and made the choices – live overseas where the jobs are and pay maintenance and pay private school – that’s what we wanted for you. We understand it wasn’t your choice and you might have liked your dad around more often. Choices were made and there are consequences – like you are angry. If we had have taken you out of school you might have been angry about that too. Normal pissy family talk I would have thought. The criticism of dad went on for a long time – too long. I said the Bad Thing, if your Mum hadn’t have had another child there would have been more money to go round, I only had one child because we couldn’t afford any more. Boo hoo how can you say that I love my sister and she’s part of our family. Well I said I’m just saying I only had one child and your mother had 4, there is only so much money to go round. So I am the dragon. YSD went off, I went to bed, DH got her out and had a talk to her. OK. In the morning I apologised for mixing up family and alcohol and we hugged. I also texted her I’m so sorry for stepping over the boundaries and criticising your mother I won’t do that again. She texted me thanks for your text it means a lot to me. In the meantime shes also texted OSD who texted DH a long text about what an ahole he is, now they are estranged apparently. Guess what I won’t even notice we are estranged because she only comes around for her gifts anyway.

Well, boring story and everyone has one, thanks for your website, I'm feeling better about not organising my life around these ungrateful children who just cause pain