A year and a half is not a small time commitment and it sucks that you're just finding this out now. However, I think you're very lucky that you're finding this out before you've moved in together or gotten married. There's a saying that goes around here "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

I think that this is going to be the first of many times that your girlfriend will feel just fine telling you "It's what's best for my child, if you don't like it, leave" no matter how ridiculous and extreme her "need"/want or request is. The child is very young. I have no idea what the conversations have been, but if you're thinking about marrying this woman, you need to have a Very serious conversation with her about how things surrounding the 'family' would work.

If it's Your home as well, is she still expecting her ex to be allowed to come over every day and spend time in Your home?

How is she expecting finances to work? Is she expecting you to help support her child if you were to live together/get married? How far will this go? Just splitting all the monthly bills in half? Or will she expect you to provide funds later for things like a car or college or cell phone? How do YOU feel about contributing to these things?

How does she feel about having more children (this may or may not be an issue for you, but if it is, get a very clear answer that you actually believe).

What role does she expect you to play in this child's life? Are you to be a fun uncle? Will you be allowed to discipline?

With her answer around her ex, I have the sneaky feeling that her answers will shift to suit her purposes and her moods. One day she will want you to be "daddy" and the next it will be it's My child, I'll do what I want. That she will spend what she pleases from a joint fund and tell you it's what's best for the child and if you don't like it, leave.

This woman has not cut ties with her former life. She didn't introduce you for over a year to the child and you've spent the night once on the couch. To Me, it seems like she's keeping you at a wide distance but talking about marriage because there's so much going on that if you found out about before the knot was really tied, you'd run for the hills like any sane person. She's stringing you along because she has fun with you. But she's trying to have her cake and eat it to and keep you in the dark about the pertinent information. Either choice you make, I wish you the best of luck. This is not a road I would be walking any further down if I were you.

This is something she should have told you about a LONG time ago. You're talking about marriage and she never felt the need to tell you her ex husband comes over every morning?!? (And I have to ask, does the man have a job? How is he there every day?)

Anyway, she has shown you that you will never be an important consideration. It's going to be her way or you can leave. I'd take that as a cue to leave. There are PLENTY of women in their 30s who havne't been married and have no kids who would love to meet an unmarried man with no children!

Whether the arrangement is appropriate/acceptable or not isn't the biggest issue here.

The fact that she kept this from you for 1 1/2 years & you only know because it happened with you there is the biggest issue. That's a big secret for her to have kept & it was absolutely unfair for her not to give you the opportunity to base your decision of whether or not to invest your time with her on the real facts.

She's sneaky & disrespectful. There is no question in that. She's made it clear that your thoughts, opinions, & feelings are completely irrelevant & that should be plenty to let you know that she is not going to be a good partner in a relationship.

How old is the baby?

Take it from someone who was strung along for 3 1/2 years and manipulated in this very similar fashion. Her justifications sound so familiar to me.Been there, done that and not going back. I just did not know that single mothers do that type of thing. I thought only single fathers do that. Leave, wish her well and find a beautiful young childless woman. I am in Europe in my early 30s, never married and no children and I would have dated you if I was back in the US. You sound like a great guy and I am sure there are many beautiful , professional young women like me that you can date and look forward to build a future with. Love yourself enough and respect yourself to get away from this situation. I am telling you this from experience. I regret not leaving after 1 1/2 when I noticed red flags - donot make my mistake. I also came for advice here and did not listen and stayed.

You should suggest she respect the next guy enough to be honest & let her be on her way.

You don't need professional counseling because you have a problem with her keeping secrets from you. She is the one in need of counseling to figure out how to behave & be a decent partner in a relationship.

^^^^ THIS!

Email her and let her know that you expect honesty (and boundaries) in a relationship and that if she is not ok with that than she needs to seek professional counseling.

And if YOU need to talk call: (enter counselor name here).

Lies of omission are so cruel. They truly are the tools of a manipulative person.

Yes I will fully agree that the daughter absolutely deserves to have a loving father in her life as much as possible. And the thing would be for the dad to move back in with her. Obviously he is not willing to do that so your "girlfriend" is accepting the next best thing - you for her partner and him however she can get him.

Some are going to say that maybe she is the one who didn't want him - but let me tell you if she was really "done" with him she would not be comfortable with him spending hours and hours at her home.

No woman who is over their ex wants to spend hours and hours with them alone (a 2 year old does not count as a chaperone).

I'd be willing to bet more than a little "nookie" has taken place between them. Put two people who had the hots for one another enough to make a baby just months earlier together alone for enough time and sex will happen.

Wasting a year and a half with the wrong woman is nothing with compared to wasting a lifetime with someone who is not up front and honest. Her character flaws will make your life a living hell. What happens if she gets pregnant again with his child?

I'm so confused. Whose baby is the 8 month old newborn infant? Is it hers? And there is also a 2 year old daughter? Where in all these pregnancies did she find time to date you?

I haven't read all the responses but I'm not sure I'd be so upset over the situation. This prob won't be very popular response

I don't think you should be ok with her response to take a hike if you don't like it, but honestly, otherwise it seems to be a good situation for the baby. For the mom not having to take baby out, the dad gets to see the kid and be part of her early years. If you continue this relationship you'll reap the benefits of having a skid who is comfortable and knows and bonded with both parents.

I actually think it has also kept a lot of the chaos of newly div parents out of the way. It's working for them, thus u haven't heard much about any exh drama. If there wasn't this arrangement, there'd be something else that causes an issue.

I know you don't like it but sometimes the right thing for the kid, even when it benefits the ex, is still the right thing for the kid. If this is a long term thing, the kid will remember that you were cool with it and respect you for it.

As for him being a cop... Big deal. What are you going to do if you date the ex of a doctor, never go because he might poison you? Vets out bc they might kill your dog? Accountants out because they might sent you to prison with a jacked up tax return? Don't worry about them.

I admire that you've cared and respected this lady and her child for so long. I think a discussion with her is best. Maybe she doesn't know you were thinking long term and was just thinking of you as a boy friend who was telling her what to do with her child?

"I don't know how long the arrangment will last, but if you are not okay with that, maybe you should seek professional counseling."

WOW. That's pretty manipulative, implying that you are the one with the problem.

Lonelyguy - did you explain to GF that you don't have a problem with her baby seeing her dad, you have a problem w the dad being in your GF's house?

That might have been why the other women's forum jumped all over you, thinking you don't want the baby to see her dad, when that's not the case.

BM in our situation had all that freedom and no boundaries also. She would come into the house to pick up SS13 or get him out of bed in the morning. REALLY?

I will probably get slammed for this but here it goes.

IMHO, alot of this "well, the child needs to see their Mom/Dad every single day" is a bunch of crap. If that is the case and you are only thinking of the children why don't the parents stay together or at least share a house?

If that is the case how does the military justify sending our Armed Forces over seas for months and years with limited contact with their families?

If that is the case how does children of "professionals" that go on business trips for days and weeks on end survive not seeing their parent EVERY day?

After all these parents are divorced and with that comes changes. It seems to me that the child would be better adjusted if she learned from a young age that her parents are divorced and "mommy and daddy have their own homes but are still here for you".

We are not talking about a child NEVER seeing their parent nor being able to talk to the parent every day or so but actually having to see the parent everyday.

In a perfect world we would all be with our first spouses and have the cinderella ending unfortunately this is not a fairy tale but real life.

My parents are still married after 67 years but I can honestly tell you my father had a job worked every day and I didn't see him nor my mother every single day.

If my father was gone on business I knew that he would return and I would see him on a specific day (if everything went according to planned). I grew up like that and it became my "normal".

This situation sounds fishy to me! Sounds like BM and the EX is still either emotional or physically attached.

"IMHO, alot of this "well, the child needs to see their Mom/Dad every single day" is a bunch of crap. If that is the case and you are only thinking of the children why don't the parents stay together or at least share a house?"
That statement couldnt be more true, no slamming here New Second Wife LOL!

Anyways the consensus here is,she has shown you who she truly is.

Trying to put blame on you and suggesting that you need counselling because you dont like the ex coming over everyday in the morning. What sounded person would like that? Not Many. That is absurd to keep it a secret! No wonder you couldn't spend the night, the ex was home.

I have been where you are with my daughters father, I caught him cheating and his exscuse to me was"It wasn't me someone else". And he suggested I needed counselling because I was the one that was insane(I obsessed about who he was cheating with).
The irony of this, is that guys use that line, they try to deflect blame on someone else.
Your GF has demonstrated she doesn't want to be accountable for her actions.
Do you want someone coming up with exscuses all the time for their poor behaviour?
Theres a song titled, "its everyones fault but mine".
She may be insanely hot and I get being 32, youth/looks is important.
If you think you wont find anyone as good as her. Trust me you will!
I thought the same. I was single for 2 years after my ex who was my first for everything left us when my daughter was 5 months. Now Im 27 in a relationship with someone 48. Big age gap,but I need the maturity.
It sounds like you need someone mature too!
Sorry if this is long, but when I witness decent people getting screwed over by douches like this(her behaviour is douchey), ive gotta speak out.
Otherwise you will turn out like your name a "lonely confused guy".

Too many secrets. Please leave and go find a normal woman.

When I was in my early I met the "love of my life". I have never been so in love (and I'd been engaged twice before I met him). It would not be possible to love someone more than I loved him. But eventually I had to painfully extricate myself from the relationship.

Love does not conquer character issues.

Bummer this could have been handled differently if she would have told you at the beginning.I understand that their arrangement works well and I think it sounds much better as having a 2 year old in between two houses.But it was disrespectful of her not telling you. And that their arrangement will have to be changed over the years anyway is pretty clear, in a little time he will most likely have his daughter with him more often.She could have even explained that to you.But instead she wants you to go through therapy....I am sorry but she is so absorbed by motherhood (which is ok , I was the same)that she will not be able to see your point of view.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. I'm not clear on why you're unsure about whether she's using because I don't think anyone else here is.

Her story is all over the place. He's a horrible, untrustworthy person, but she continues to have a business with him. He was abusive to her but he has a Key to her House. They're divorced but she sees him every single day. You're the love of her life but you need to be on board with what works for her or you can find the door.

But wait, there's more. No no, she's really willing to work with you on this, she'll do anything to fix it, as long as it's you that goes to counseling for your completely unreasonable protest at the ex being in her house every day. You are the love of her life, but she's okay saying Nothing to you about this guy in a year and half except that he's awful, abusive, and she hates him. Yet somehow he's heard a Lot about you. Why is the ex - the guy that she Hates, more in the know than you are?

She's using you dude. I'm sorry, it sucks, you love her. The feeling is obviously not mutual, regardless of her sad, manipulative texts and emails. She doesn't want to lose you sure, but that seems to have very little to do her loving you and everything to do with her liking how much you love her.

I was all set to give your GF the benefit of the doubt until I read that the exH has a key to her place! :jawdrop:

If he was so abusive, WHY would she give him a key to her place to come and go as he pleases?

And how the heck does a TWO year old have anxiety issues?

I agree that this mommy is too wrapped up into her child to see anything else. Her life is going to revolve around her child and everything will be done "for the child's sake". Her initial reaction to you tells it all, basically saying "I will choose my child over you".

I went to take my shower and was still thinking about this thread! I am so pissed at this girl's deceit!

This is exactly why I say you should not wait a long time to meet the kids when dating a single parent. You get so emotionally attached that by the time you meet the kids, even if they are brats, you don't want to let go of the relationship because you've already developed feelings for the parent.

I'm not saying parade every Tom, Dick and Harry in front of the kids, but really after a couple of months, what harm is there in introducing the kids to a friend of yours? It's not like you're going to do the nasty right there in front of them.

People always say the parent and their kids are a package deal, but how can you determine if you want to be in a relationship with someone when you've only gotten to know one part of the "package"?

Confusedguy - I know you have developed feelings for this girl, but do not let that cloud your judgement here. Your GF has been lying to you for over a year, what else will she use "best for the child" as an excuse for? And she's still insisting that YOU need counseling to deal with her lack of boundaries with her ex?

First- Are they even divorced?
Second- Have you ever been in her bedroom? At all? Looked in her medicine cabinet? Her closet?
Third- I am getting the sneaking suspicion that they probably still live together. Ex works nights, comes home in the morning, plays with baby, then sleeps until he has to go to work the next day.

This doesn't have to be an overnight decision for you.You are under shock because this came totally unexpected.It could take some time to process this information-take this time before you do or say something you regret.Think about how the arrangement would have to be for you to find it acceptable.Could you find it acceptable for a few month but then would expect your gf and her ex to change it?Or is it as it is really unbearable? Is it more the fact that she didn't say a word or the current arrangement that is worse?You have to find these things out for yourself first.
Once you know better what you want or what you can live with you can talk to her calmly.Chances are that she either listens and is willing to find a compromise or that she doesn't listen and stays defensive about it.

She hides too much from you for being in a relationship for a 1.5 years.

And she also obviously talks more to her EX than she does with you!

Just want to say that it sounds like you made a good choice in taking a break from her. I can TOTALLY relate to you on the boundary issues because I am currently going through similar scenario with my fiance and his BM and daughter. I can also totally relate to you that you really WANT to make it work because you have invested so much time and you really love this girl and she has so many other great qualities. I feel the same about my fiance. And I also would not have ever dated this man if I would have known everything that I know today. But at the end of the day I think you have the upper hand because men tend to be better at thinking with your head rather than your heart, and being a software programmer Im sure you are good at using your head. I definitely think that considering marriage before actually living together is a mistake because you learn so many things about a person when living together. A year and a half into the relationship you really should know more about this girl and she has kept you in the dark. I hope you stay strong and stick to your choice of having a break. If she REALLY wants to make it work then she will change and try to get you back. Good Luck!

Glad to hear ya'll are taking a break, Confusedguy.

Even if it is a failure to communicate that is affecting things, maybe the two of you just aren't meant to be together. Really, getting all upset because you used the word "deceive"? Geesh - touchy!!

Good luck to you!

I have not read a single answer here so I hope this isn't a duplicate.

Don't marry any woman with children. The odds are 99 to 1 it'll be counted in your biography as your biggest mistake.

Millions of woman have no children - go find one.

FYI my advise to a woman would be identical. Well almost lol