Does/did your DH want bios with you?
Forums:
I'm asking because my DH has 1 daughter (5 years old) from a previous relationship (this is the first marriage for both of us). DH says he wants to have more kids but then he says he doesn't want to move -we need to move into a bigger house before we have a baby because there is literally no room in our house for another person (we only have a 2 bedroom house- SD takes up the 2nd bedroom & the room is small and not enough space for SD and baby). I am beginning to wonder if the reason DH doesn't want to move is because he doesn't really want a baby (he knows I will not get off the pill until we are in a house with enough room for a baby). What do you think and what was your experience with your DH wanting or not wanting bios with you?
You do have time. I was in
You do have time. I was in my late 30's when I had my first. If you are having trouble conceiving you can go to a fertility clinic. There are many things they can do before they do IVF.
Also... there are many, many embryos out there as a result of IVF. Multiple embryos resulted, not all were implanted. There are literally 100's of thousands of these little people who will die if not implanted. If the bio mom was young there is a good chance at vitality.
This is just a thought. IVF is very, very expensive and oftentimes a failure. Implanting embryos is much cheaper. Just wanted to put that out there for anyone who thinks it's too late or impossible to have a child. Here's a site regarding this... http://www.nightlight.org/snowflake-embryo-adoption/
DH's deceiving women about their intent to have a child is terrible. I think I would do it anyway because he promised (if you can).
I feel like it is an excuse
I feel like it is an excuse too, Cheri! He knows I won't get off the pill until we are in a bigger house- not anything fancy or huge, just enough space to put a baby. It wouldn't really cost much more than we pay now (I have found numerous places and he wants nothing to do with them) so it's not really a money issue. I feel like it has to be him not wanting a baby.
Thank you both and I am sorry
Thank you both and I am sorry you are going through that, Lynn
DH said before we got married that he wanted more kids (I made sure of it because I have no kids of my own and that would have been a dealbreaker if he said he didn't want more).
But we have been married almost a year and DH's actions are speaking louder than words. The only thing I have asked him to do is to move into a bigger house so we actually have room for a baby- I don't need a mansion, just a room for my baby. DH flat out says he doesn't want to move- but if he wanted a baby, wouldn't he want to move?? I am not sure what to think. I have asked him about it & he still says he wants a baby- but he doesn't want to move.. Makes no sense.
formygirl, we have SD 50% of
formygirl, we have SD 50% of the time (week on, week off). I love the idea of saying skid no longer has a room here! But DH would never go for that. He would try to put the baby in the room with SD, I can see it now.. The problem with that is SD is 5- I don’t think it’s realistic to put an infant in the room with a 5 year old who has to get up for school in the morning. Also, the room really is tiny- we can’t fit a baby and a baby’s things in there with skid. The only real option is to move into a bigger house- & that is where the problem lies because I can’t get DH to agree to it.
I agree that there is always
I agree that there is always going to be a reason to wait and that you just need to bite the bullet.
My partner has a vasectomy done but since we want kids together, it has to be reversed. He's having it done in April. No guarantees it will work obviously but at least I know he is serious about kids. I dont think any man would let a surgeon near such a sensitive region unless he was serious!
Thank you, Rilka! I sometimes
Thank you, Rilka! I sometimes feel like DH is stringing me along. He has to say we will have a baby because he knows that's a dealbreaker for me especially since I have no kids of my own. If I wasn't going to have my own kids, I sure as hell wouldn't be here taking care of someone else's. I mean I have found houses for us, I have went to see them (DH didn't want to go), and at the end of the day of course DH said no he doesn't want those houses, he wants to stay where we are.
The only reason I'm having an issue is because we have a verrrrrry tiny house (if you are familiar with old historic houses, it's one of them). There is literally no room for a baby or a baby's things and I am not exaggerating.
I am really beginning to think he is just saying he doesn't want to move because he knows not moving = no baby.
Yes, it seems like men don't
Yes, it seems like men don't even consider that!
I'm in my late 20s so I want to have a baby sooner rather than later.
Not sure if it would be such a big deal if I already had a child but I don't and I am definitely not content just being a stepmom.
annevstress, we have a 2
annevstress, we have a 2 bedroom house- our bedroom and skid’s bedroom- and we have skid every other week for the full week (50/50). I love the idea of turning skid’s room into a nursery but DH and the in-laws would throw a fit! If we only had her EOW I think it may work, but with her being there so much she had a ton of crap that I have nowhere else to put and it would just be a mess.
My FDH does want a child with
My FDH does want a child with me but even if I could have one (I've been told it would be VERY difficult for me to not miscarry) but I think FDH has too many as it is & I don't want to bring a child into the dysfunction & confusion that would be his or her sibling situation.
Thank you guys. I really
Thank you guys. I really don't know what to do, I mean when we got married I truly believed DH wanted more kids- we even picked out names for them! We planned to wait about a year after marriage just because we had things we wanted to do first- I was finishing my master's degree and we wanted to do some traveling, but now that a year is almost up (April), it is kind of coming as a shock that he isn't doing more to show me that he wants to have a baby. Maybe I am too much of a planner and need to just let things happen, but I am on birth control so I would have to get off the pill and I can't imagine doing that until I know everything is the way I want it to be (which I don't think I am asking a lot, I just want my baby to have a bedroom). I feel like he should have just told me if he didn't want more kids and I could have dodged this bullet and not married him in the first place.
Christinen, The reason your
Christinen,
The reason your DH keeps telling you he wants a baby is because he knows if he doesn’t say that you will leave him. He is only saying that because he needs you to take care of him.
http://www.steptalk.org/node/103004
“DH has a crappy job and cannot afford his share/his kid’s share of the bills. I am basically supporting them both ... he is making NO attempt to find work or to get an education so that he can get a good job. I have even offered to pay for him to go to school and watch his kid while he is in class but he refused. I pay well over 50% of the bills even though his kid lives with us 50% of the time and I feel like HE should be the one paying more... He can’t afford to support a child so it would all fall on me which is completely unfair”
I do not think you should have a baby with this man. You will regret it the rest of your life.
I had a baby with a man like yours, irresponsible with money, no ambition, always broke. The entire marriage money was always a problem. I eventually divorced him, but my credit is ruined now, thanks to him. I don’t regret the two beautiful girls I have, but I do regret choosing such a miserable excuse of a man to be their father.
Please don't stay and "try to make this work". It is not going to turn out well. Find a man that can really does want a child and can support having one, that can pull his own weight, that respects and deserves you.
Amber, you are probably
Amber, you are probably right, I did tell DH previously that not having kids of my own would be a dealbreaker (I have no bios). Maybe he thinks if he keeps telling me we will have a baby one day that I will stick around. Problem is I am late 20s and I don't want to wait around because - I hate this expression but my clock is ticking.
Well, I had looked DH dead in
Well, I had looked DH dead in the eye and told him one day my desire for a child in a functional, two parent contributing household will outweigh my desire for my marriage with him. It wasn't enough that he wanted kids with me, I needed to know concretely we could do it.
It was over financial issues, originally.
For the month after the fight, he did lots of things (began putting away money for a bay fund, cut down on most of his expenses) even though I would look at him like, what's the point. He said he wanted to prepare as if we were going to, whether we actually did or not is another story. He wanted to PROVE he could provide for us and a child if I should change my mind.
I think you need to let him know your limit, and not back down from it. So many women are not willing to stand up for their dreams. I was not willing to give ,y dream up, regardless of how much I may love him, because in the end I would have resented and hated him anyway, so on top of no kids, I would have a shitty marriage. He knew that I am someone that needs concrete proof, so he did.
"Maybe he thinks if he keeps
"Maybe he thinks if he keeps telling me we will have a baby one day that I will stick around."
Of course he thinks that!
I don't think you should force the issue with him, or that you should get off the pill. If he's this lazy now, having a kid is not going to change anything. Instead of taking care of three people, yourself, him and SD, you'll have four to take care of.
My exH was a lazy parent, he never helped out with the kids, he was always dumping them off on his mom. I thought if we moved to another state that would force him to step up to the plate. I was wrong. The only thing that happened was it all fell on me.
I understand the fact that your clock is ticking, it's a valid concern. Which is why the sooner you dump him, the sooner you can find a man that wants kids. Trust me, I've found plenty of single guys that don't already have kids. They're out there.
Yes. Oh god, DH wanted one so
Yes. Oh god, DH wanted one so bad that when I took plan B after an accident with him (we had a huge fight just the week before about having kids, and I decided I didn't want any with him because I thought we were a bit dysfunctional at the time) he cried.
Er, plan B failed and when I was considering terminating as an option he convinced me to keep it, and has really stepped up since then.
We met when I was 38, he was
We met when I was 38, he was 36. Both of us had been surgically sterilized after we each had one daughter, born 6 mos apart. Of all the men I've ever been with - DH is the only one I'd WANT kids with (after my daughter of course).
Alas, it's just not meant to be. But I have never felt this bond with anyone in my life and would LOVE to share a child with him.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the responses and advice! Last night I had a talk with DH about it. He was going on and on about SD and I must have had a look on my face because he asked me what was wrong lol. I said you realize being a stepmom is not enough for me, right? He said yes he knows, and he told me how much he wants to have a kid with me and how he would be ecstatic if I got pregnant. I told him I’m not just going to “get pregnant”, I have to make the decision to get off birth control and I’m not doing that until I have a room to put my baby in (basically everything I said on this post, I said to him). To make a long story short, he agreed we need to move. Now we will see in the coming months if he is just saying that to shut me up or if he actually does anything to make it happen. Thanks again!
What about adding on to your
What about adding on to your current home?
We rent our home. We can't
We rent our home. We can't buy together because DH has horrible credit.
Good idea though!
Thank you for responding and
Thank you for responding and that’s awesome that you were able to have your baby
I can’t add on to the house we are currently in because we are just renting it. I have been looking for bigger houses (we only need an extra bedroom, the size of the rest of the house is fine) and not too long ago I set up an appointment for DH and I to go look at one but when I was ready to walk out the door he refused to go. I still went to see the house by myself and I really liked it but DH wouldn’t go for it. I really can’t think of any reason he wouldn’t other than he really doesn’t want a baby and is using this to make sure it doesn’t happen. I mentioned it to him and he basically said I’m crazy and kept telling me he does want a baby with me more than anything but it just doesn’t make sense with his actions (or lack of actions).