Disengaged but DH wants me to change because OSD "changed" ugh!!
Hello, I'm new to this group and really need some advice. My husband and I have been married 11 years. I have 4 children and he has 3. Ages of children when we got together were 3,5,9,10,11,11 and 12. All the children blended very well, very few issues over the years because their ages are close and my husband and I have basically had custody the whole time. We treated them equally over the years and only a handful of times the kids would try to pull the "treated better than" card, but we knocked that out because it was usually an age related issue that someone got something or got to go somewhere different. DH and I don't claim to have a "favorite" but for the first 4 years I was extremely close to his oldest daughter. All the children are very loud, rowdy, joking and love "doing projects" together. She was the quiet reader and a little bit more self conscious to try new things. Their BM is not a great mom and has another older child that has been her "open favorite" and still is. OSD never found her place with her mom while she was younger but about the time she turned 16 everything changed. BM had 2 small children and thinks its perfectly normal to lay in bed all day with a "headache" 360 days a year while children all care for each other. OSD started realizing that her BM paid her more attention when she was with her cleaning house and basically taking care of her mom. BM's older daughter had moved out and she was needing a cook and housekeeper. OSD started wanting to go to her moms more and more and started being rude to me at the same time. It absolutely hurt but my husband and I agreed to let her stay with BM most of the time because she was so hateful at our home and it made all other kids upset. After a few months we realized OSD was not attending school more than a couple days a month. This led to about a 6 month long court battle to change custody. By doing this, OSD turned into a demon. Even her sweet face would contort as she screamed and yelled at DH and me daily. We lived in turmoil for over a year while OSD went to a continuation school, catching up and going quickly through her school work to "finish early and move back with mom. Daily she told us ALL she hated us, blamed my DH for leaving her mom (even tough her mom is a bar floozy, cheated over and over and was pregnant with someone else's baby before my DH moved out!) she's old enough to do the math but won't see it. She graduated high school in December of her senior year with all A's, moved to her moms house and didn't speak to us for 2years. This hurt my husband deeply. He's a good man. He believes she would have hated us then anyway, but at least with a court order forcing her to live with us and go to school- my DH and I know she at least graduated. OSD had no contact with any of our family except YSD. Only son of my husband had no place at moms or with his sisters. He's close to my sons. During this time, my MIL diagnosed with breast cancer. She is wonderful woman, she's my best friend and loved my children equally as her own.
Problem: OSD has always come around with her hands out at Christmas and birthday with no respect given back to us for the last few years. My MIL feels sorry for her because she has had such a "rough life" and MIL has now treating OSD as only child. I have 4 grandchildren now, including OSD 2 year old. MIL only takes care of and obsessed with this grandchild and OSD plus baby live with MIL. My DH and I have had minimal contact with OSD, walking on eggshells and basically keeping conversation light and minimal. OSD calls or texts DH if she needs help in any way but that's about it. OSD just basically ignores me and I ignore her. We are pleasant with hellos and then nothing more. I don't trust her because she has turned her back hatefully on my husband 3 times now and not spoken to him for years, then months.
Christmas was awful this year for the first time ever. My children are hurt by MIL only loving one grandchild, OSD soaking up grandma attention and my children are protective of me about OSD hurting me. Poor DH has been by my side, united because neither of us accept bad behavior by our children but MIL. Has cancer again and it's not going to be beat. I love her and could never tell her what her actions are doing and neither can DH.
My DH and I are very hurt that our children have always been united and now they all are fracturing.
Then, Christmas Eve my OSD calls her dad to ask if they can have lunch. She has something she needs to talk to him about. They met and basically OSD feels that I'm not treating her very well. She also says that I treat her son different than other grandchildren. ( of course I do! I never see him, never get pictures of him or never asked to babysit. He has been to my home but always because YSD is asked to watch him.) I'm never allowed to have this child while one other grandchild lives with me and the other two are here almost every weekend. How can I have a relationship with a child I hardly know! My wonderful DH wants nothing more than "everybody get along" but I don't trust her. I even pointed out that this child is 23 years old and AGAIN tries to talk to dad about me! Ugh!
My DH wants me to move on. Our family is awesome, we travel together, ride quads and camp a lot. OSD never was around to be part of that and I just don't care to have tension while playing nice on vacation. I told my DH that forgiveness is a process, not an event. But honestly I'm so disengaged that I don't really care if I never see this child again. But I'd never want to hurt my husband either. My only daughter loves him so much that he walked her down the isle with her bio dad. That's how we roll and the OSD daughter doesn't fit.
What should I do? DH is so upset about this, he trusts his daughter has changed. I don't see it. I don't hate her. I'm not rude to her at all. I just simply have not much to say to her and that's not enough for DH.
I think it's your DH who
I think it's your DH who needs to move on, and accept the dynamic as it is. OSD is probably just upset that the rest of the kids are doing things she can't do anymore. She has her own family, and should focus on what she's doing for them, instead of what you are not doing for her.
I would just keep on doing what you're doing. Maybe in time the two of you will be closer, but it can't be forced simply because your DH thinks it should be so.
It's hard to explain all this
It's hard to explain all this without writing a book
OSD has not shown any changes, she's just willing to change. Willing to not be so sensitive and twisting things to cause drama.
This is the third time she's wanting to be part of our family again, the last two times ended badly because of things the BM was going through and she blames my DH for her moms struggles.
The difference this time is that she just moved out of her moms house after living with her for about 6 months. OSD is realizing that no matter what she does, no matter how much she tells her mom that she hates us- OSD is still not her moms favorite child and her mom basically wants nothing to do with the grand baby unless she's out in public playing the grandma for attention. OSD likes to be center of attention. She can't get it from mom and I think she'd love to be center of her dads attention. That's why she loves the "poor me" drama. My husband always caves when there is tears. He thinks tears are truth. I see her tears as manipulation.
It's hard to explain all this
It's hard to explain all this without writing a book
OSD has always felt the need
OSD has always felt the need to protect and mother her mother. As she's getting older I think she is noticing the difference between her moms reality and the real truth.
Your situations is very
Your situations is very similar to mine. Let me say that you have to be the one to decide that you can move on. I know what your husband wants and I know you feel a mothering responsibility towards this child however, only you can say what is right for you.
My husband also had custody of his children and when we blended the kids were 3, 5, 7, 8, and we have been married 20 years. Like yours, we acted as an intact family. Husband's ex had been chasing men in bars which lead to their divorce, not a stable mother for any of her kids.
Once the boys were old enough they of course went running to her to try and develop a relationship. I would be curious to know what she said because the boys both turned completely against us, both of them asked their dad why he stayed with me and not their mom and this was as adults. I wish husband would have told his sons their mom was out chasing men but I am afraid he didn't want to hurt them and that inturn was not good as I think the boys felt their mom was innocent and they felt sorry for her. We are now the bad guys and nothing we do is right.
I finally had to disconnect entirely. These are not the chidlren I raised anymore. They are grown and make their own choices, choices that I have to accept and live by.....I just do not have to be lead or dominated by their decisions for their own lives. If all they need in their lives is bio mom then I am glad they have that connection. If they feel she is a good mom, then so be it.
I think children, even as adults, fear rejection from a parent once they have vanished from their lives previously. And once they find them again they will do almost anything for them and want to believe everything they are told just to keep that parent in their lives. We were the stable parents, we were the ones that were always there for them but we are garbage now that bio mom is back in the boys' lives.
Realize this is not your fault and there is nothing you can do to make things different. My inlaws have been supportive of SSs which I find bizarre, they hated bio mom but it is very easy to disown a step parent and who knows what has been said to them. I know the boys have made alot of accusations that were not true. So I am disconnected from husband's family as well. Husband and I have a bio child together and the family does not send cards, gifts, or call and that works with me, less tension.
I have felt under pressure at time to move forward and forgive all the hateful acts my SSs have done and my husband years ago told me I gave the girls more of a chnce than I did his sons. But I have to be real and honest. There was a huge incident years ago that split the family and I realized at that point that my love for my bio children is unconditional but not the case with my steps. I gave them ever bit of me and I protected them and cared for them for many many years, making sure their needs were met and very invested in everything they did but there came something that I finally had to seperate myself from them. I did go to counseling and was told by counselor to stay out of any situation with them, that I had become a target of blame and nothing I could do or say would be seen for what it was intended and that is excatly what I have done. Husband understands now and I understand that he still wants a relationship with his sons and I leave that totally and completely up to him. I pray at night that they will one day realize how much I cared and realize I was the one that gave them stability. The one thing I lack is unconditional love and maybe that is what they seek but I cannot give that to them.
The best form of defence is
The best form of defence is attack. So your sd now wants something so the best way to worm her back way into dad's good books, is to claim bygones and push the *blame* onto you.
Ofcourse DH *wants* to believe her, as he likely loves and misses her. Trouble is that is HIS choice. Just because you have a successfully blended family (apart from troubles OSD) doesn't mean that he gets to call the shots and for you to roll over.
You have already been given this advice, however you need to stand firm on this imo, you need to remain calm and inform DH you have brought up your children to 1) accept their mistakes 2) apologise for this and 3) to atone for them. Accusing you of ignoring OSD ds's is an insult given she wants nothing to do with you, you are hardly going to force your attentions onto OSD and disrespect her position as her DS's mother by kidnapping him. While you can understand DH wanting to believe OSD and that he will always give her a chance, that is HIS decision and you will respect it even though you think he is making an error. That said, you will not allow him or anyone else to blackmail you into allowing you to be treated as you have. OSD does not get free reign to be rude and disrespectful towards you and the reason you HAVE given her several chances (to only be spat on) is BECAUSE you want a peaceful, happy family. However, it is clear from OSD's actions SHE doesnt.
Ask DH how she has changed. What things is she doing in order to demonstrate this change in attitude, particularly towards you, given the fact she and DH "want everyone to get along" (be clear that getting along means respect, consideration). Tears do not count, neither does telling DH she has changed/sorry because she has not apologised to you for her behaviour nor is her actions reflecting this change in attitude.
If DH is unable to provide firm proof (including OSD herself) then that would be the end of that convo.
Lets ask a question. If she
Lets ask a question. If she actually changes her attitude can you find her an acceptable part of your family?
If yes then its worth giving her a chance. If no then you'll have to explain to your husband exactly why she can't be given a chance. After all people do change and you admit she's growing to recognize that her mother has manipulated her all along. She's never sever the bonds of loyality completely of course but as long as she doesn't treat you two with contempt her feeling for her mother are understandable.
Tell your husband that you'll give it a final go but if this round fails then she's out of your life forever. Consider having a sit down meeting with husband and the girl and say exactly that while verbilizing anything else you feel she should know about how you feel.
"She's not talking in
"She's not talking in specifics. She's giving generalities." This is the key. The only reason my SD could come up with for treating me like dog doo for over twenty years was that I made her uncomfortable. I asked DH for specifics. He got a deer in the headlights look on his face and could not come up anything. Then I told him I COULD come up with specifics why SD and her husband made me uncomfortable in my own home, and I had witnesses. If your SD wants to change your relationship then she has to know specifically what she has to do. For one thing, to impprove communications with you she needs to speak with you directly, not bitch about you to her Father. She must stop complaining of favoritsm if she does not allow you to see her son. She must respect you in your own home which means she will not bring negativity and you are to be acknowledged as a member of your household. If she can not make these changes she is not serious about it.
CyndieMac, I think you should
CyndieMac, I think you should stay the course. You and your hubby have had your hands full for years and did a remarkable job raising a big blended family. You gave it your all. I know you don't want your DH to "hurt" but just lately, I realized maybe it was time my DH felt the hurt I felt for years from his daughters. Since I am now removed from the picture, they can only hurt him and they certainly have.
We too had such good adventuresome times boating, camping, travel , lots of outdoor stuff, lake cottage lots of various music adventures. Well, now that they are excluded because no one wants their drama, dad gets blamed and guilted. He is not buying it though. The skids can't have it both ways and in the long run, they lose. My SS on the other hand, still is part of this blended family and he and my two sons treat all of us with respect.