I need help with jealousy
Hi everyone,
I am 20 years old and have been dating my 27 year old boyfriend for a year. He has a six year old son. His biological mother and my boyfriend have been divorced for a year as well. She cheated on my boyfriend multiple times, has a recent history of severe alcoholism, and has obvious mental issues (had an imaginary friend named Kyle and has made three suicide attempts). She is overall not a very good person either. She was court ordered to go to the state mental hospital and got released around August. I have been actively involved in the son's life since May. I feel I am essentialy a stepmother: I get him ready for school and pick him up from school, play with him after school, make him supper, and read him a story at bedtime. Recently the biological mother has been taking him a day a week or coming over to our house for an hour a couple nights a week. My biggest problem is my jealousy with the whole situation. I am very jealous of the real mother and when her son calls me mom then says "sorry, I just love my mom so, so much." I know it's aweful of me, I just feel like she doesn't deserve his love. When she was in a half way house, he would tell his dad "My mommy doesn't love me anymore because she doesn't take care of me." This is obviously confusing for the poor little guy, and the only thing that should matter is his well - being and that he is taken care of, I just can't seem to get over this jealousy. If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it. Thank you 
You sound a lot like me when
You sound a lot like me when my DH and I got engaged. For the preceding two years I had been the only mother to my SD, from age 2 to 4. I was only 18 when we met. But regardless of my age, I saw a little girl that needed a mother in her life. DH did a good job at being a dad, but doesn't know how to be a mom.
My SD's BM was in her life sporadically, the longest she stayed away was seven months. We'd get into a routine, and the visit with BM would shake everything up. It was hard. The way BM treated me on top of all that was appalling. She has been abusive towards me and DH since the beginning. SD has also been abused and neglected at the hands of BM, yet she maintains a fierce love and loyalty to BM. This prevented SD from being able to openly love and care about me, because BM would get jealous and find a way to punish her emotionally for it.
Now SDstb18 lives at BM's full time, with no contact or visits with us at all. She is too afraid of BM abandoning her for good, to risk making a decision that BM may not like. SD was willing to let the people that raised her go, in order to keep playing this sick game with BM. She knows we'll forgive her if she asks us to, but BM won't. She'll give her the silent treatment for months and ignore her attempts at contact.
This may be what your future holds. This is a REALLY tough life. It has caused a decline in my health and happiness. Just know that you can keep the child at a cordial arm's length, treat him well, even care deeply for him, but don't let him become you sole focus. Don't let your happiness depend on whether or not he accepts you as a mother and is able to grasp how much better you are for him. He won't ever favor you over BM, that's almost certain. If you can create your happiness outside of him, your world won't be crushed when at some point he tells you to "Go fuck yourself" after eight (or more) years of raising him, and leave your life without cause or reason. Or you can do as I did, and give everything you have to him, treat him as your own, make sure that everything is equal between skid and bios, and invest massive amounts of time, energy, and resources into him. Then be crushed when he doesn't choose you or your DH. Maybe I would have picked the former, had I known what this would be like, if someone had warned me.
I think mothers who can't
I think mothers who can't take care of their kids should not have them. A kid whose mother is not involved in their life is better off without her. I am so tired of hearing over and over again , " You did not give life to this child, so you should not expect any gratitude in return from the kid. They have a natural bond with their biological mothers". Theses type of mothers don't want to be bothered with raising kids. Otherwise they would do something about it.They made the choice of letting another woman taking care of their child.
And yes, stepmothers should receive gratitude from the stepchildren for raising them.
Thank you so much for all of
Thank you so much for all of your advice. It means a lot to me that you all took the time to type me your helpful words; they help me very much
I do not agree with a child
I do not agree with a child always having that need for their mother and fathers love. I am living proof of that, I have nothing to do with my BD, but my SDad is my world. I went thru the same as a child as your SS6 is experiencing now. It is such a confusing time. He feels like he isn't good enough, he did something wrong, he isn't loved by her. He can't express himself very well yet but he is trying. Don't get jealous. Give him love. Give him therapy. Your love will be what he will cherish when he looks back at this difficult time. It won't be easy, being a SM is a thankless job. You do get your feelings hurt and just when you think you can't take another hit they do something or you remember something that just melts it all away. Hang in there, it is so worth it!