It hasn't always been 1-on-1 for me either, but it certainly is 1-on-1 for me a lot more than it seems to be with many other adult SKs on this board. I really believe it is because I make the effort to be kind to my stepmother and not have a war with her. So she can know that when my dad and I are hanging out, I'm not saying mean things about her.
I agree that it's a lousy part of divorce that many of us have had to deal with. My ways of getting help were to get counseling and start exercising. They've both done wonders for me.
It just saddens me that more adult SKs will not seek help to deal with these issues instead of acting like a-holes to their SMs (and others). They'd get a lot more 1-on-1 time with just dad if they acted decently.
Certainly proved true in my situation. Started out with lots of open invitation for all the step daughters and their many children. Plenty of backyard picnics, swimming in my pool, holiday parties, even out of state vacations and all the new clothes needed to travel were provided by the new step grandma. It was convenient to do these things since they all lived with in 20 minutes away.
For what ever reason they made an abrupt stop in visiting. Dh would visit at their place. Before long I was designated as the reason for their lack of effort to visit.
I was initially hurt. In time I realized I should accommadate their wishes by removing myself from the equation. I also removed my pool, my time, all babysitting services, and all money. In otherwords, once I quit being head of the entertainment department that was it.
We moved 3 hours away. DH drives to see them 1 time a year. at most 2 times a year for a day or two at most. They NEVER visit here. DH was the biggest contributor to the problems. I assumed disputes between us remained at home. They did not. Did they lose much???
When I first married DH I probably went overboard trying to make sure SD was included in our life and was welcome at all times. I made special allowances, letting sarcastic comments slide, keeping silent when I was 'invisible', forking out money, etc., etc. - even to the point of overlooking physical threat and harm. With all of the trying it only got worse. It culminated with a verbal attack and unspecific accusations - 20+ years of unsubstantiated hate bellowing out of her mouth. Each and every perceived slight was magnified and the hate justified.
I am not perfect, no one is. But if SD had entered our relationship with an open heart and mind, things would be a lot different for all of us today. Like many here, the responsibility for most of the problems is on DH's shoulders. He was not respectful of me as his wife so why should SD? If DH and SD had given me the chance to show them the person I really am, I would still be doing my best to include SD in our lives. Instead, she is banned from our home and I have no desire to see her again. DH is free to visit her whenever he wants (except Holidays) but SD is now shunning DH. She refuses to return his calls. They have not seen each other in two years.
This is so true. My daughter could spend a whole lot more time with me if she just acted civilly with my wife. She doesn't see it that way, so here we sit in a cloud of resentment and anger. But, she controls that. Again, she doesn't see it that way as she views it as conditions being placed on her.
"Again, she doesn't see it that way as she views it as conditions being placed on her."
What I hope she can come to understand before it is too late is that it's not a condition. It's how decent people act. You wouldn't exclude or mistreat her significant other so it's not fair for her to do those things to your wife.
Heh...equal agressors my ass. My wife might ask my daughter a question that pushes her out of her comfort zone, and my daughter responds with a nuclear missle. It's ridiculous.
It hasn't always been 1-on-1
It hasn't always been 1-on-1 for me either, but it certainly is 1-on-1 for me a lot more than it seems to be with many other adult SKs on this board. I really believe it is because I make the effort to be kind to my stepmother and not have a war with her. So she can know that when my dad and I are hanging out, I'm not saying mean things about her.
I agree that it's a lousy part of divorce that many of us have had to deal with. My ways of getting help were to get counseling and start exercising. They've both done wonders for me.
It just saddens me that more adult SKs will not seek help to deal with these issues instead of acting like a-holes to their SMs (and others). They'd get a lot more 1-on-1 time with just dad if they acted decently.
Certainly proved true in my
Certainly proved true in my situation. Started out with lots of open invitation for all the step daughters and their many children. Plenty of backyard picnics, swimming in my pool, holiday parties, even out of state vacations and all the new clothes needed to travel were provided by the new step grandma. It was convenient to do these things since they all lived with in 20 minutes away.
For what ever reason they made an abrupt stop in visiting. Dh would visit at their place. Before long I was designated as the reason for their lack of effort to visit.
I was initially hurt. In time I realized I should accommadate their wishes by removing myself from the equation. I also removed my pool, my time, all babysitting services, and all money. In otherwords, once I quit being head of the entertainment department that was it.
We moved 3 hours away. DH drives to see them 1 time a year. at most 2 times a year for a day or two at most. They NEVER visit here. DH was the biggest contributor to the problems. I assumed disputes between us remained at home. They did not. Did they lose much???
"Skids get in the habit of
"Skids get in the habit of acting out when they are minors. They shift into adulthood with the same attitude and it just doesn't work anymore."
Agreed. And it often ends up backfiring on the adults who didn't rein them in as kids.
When I first married DH I
When I first married DH I probably went overboard trying to make sure SD was included in our life and was welcome at all times. I made special allowances, letting sarcastic comments slide, keeping silent when I was 'invisible', forking out money, etc., etc. - even to the point of overlooking physical threat and harm. With all of the trying it only got worse. It culminated with a verbal attack and unspecific accusations - 20+ years of unsubstantiated hate bellowing out of her mouth. Each and every perceived slight was magnified and the hate justified.
I am not perfect, no one is. But if SD had entered our relationship with an open heart and mind, things would be a lot different for all of us today. Like many here, the responsibility for most of the problems is on DH's shoulders. He was not respectful of me as his wife so why should SD? If DH and SD had given me the chance to show them the person I really am, I would still be doing my best to include SD in our lives. Instead, she is banned from our home and I have no desire to see her again. DH is free to visit her whenever he wants (except Holidays) but SD is now shunning DH. She refuses to return his calls. They have not seen each other in two years.
So yes, Anon, a little giving goes a long way.
This is so true. My daughter
This is so true. My daughter could spend a whole lot more time with me if she just acted civilly with my wife. She doesn't see it that way, so here we sit in a cloud of resentment and anger. But, she controls that. Again, she doesn't see it that way as she views it as conditions being placed on her.
"Again, she doesn't see it
"Again, she doesn't see it that way as she views it as conditions being placed on her."
What I hope she can come to understand before it is too late is that it's not a condition. It's how decent people act. You wouldn't exclude or mistreat her significant other so it's not fair for her to do those things to your wife.
Heh...equal agressors my ass.
Heh...equal agressors my ass. My wife might ask my daughter a question that pushes her out of her comfort zone, and my daughter responds with a nuclear missle. It's ridiculous.
This is such a simple
This is such a simple concept,but one that so many misunderstand. I think I am going to quote you with my dh.
" I'm an adult, and I'm not
" I'm an adult, and I'm not going to negotiate with anyone on how I should be treated."
LOVE THIS, stepaside! Negotiations are OVER!