I know a bit of what ou deal with but it was all from my psycho exh. He has stalked me, demanded psych evals which is turns out he still has not paid for his and mine was normal and his was not, but he thought I was the psycho. I have even changed user names on this site. He follows me cyberly and physically and then when in court he drags it all out to smear in my face. Oh ya, been there too. But I am curious how your bm got a hold of any of your sex toys, did she get into your house? Sheesh. She sounds like a crazy jealose bitch.

If you are seriously thinking about leaving the only way I can think of is to get yourself a good attorney (quietly so your dh doesn't know) and have EVERYTHING in place, all the court papers drawn up and ready to go to court, then leave when he is gone and go to an undisclosed address until he has been dealt with in court. For child visitations meet somewhere so he does not find you or his psycho ex find you. If you leave bm could go nuts on your too. Ya never know how she'll react either. I have the best attorney who helped me get full custody of my kids and he had everything done before it was all sent to my ex. All loop holes closed, etc. It was slick. My ex was NOT expecting me to fight anymore b/c I waited.

If you can afford it and even if you can't, an attorney by your side is seriously the only way to do this without losing your son.

Sorry this is happening to you and has been going on so long. It's so hard to know when to finally throw in the towel but in your case the towel throwing has to be done very carefully and calculated.

Best luck and hugs

Wow, I'm so very sorry you're going through that. I think if you're at the point where you're asking "when do you give up and move on", you know the answer to your own question already.

Have you tried completely disengaging from the stepkid? Sometimes that's all it takes is to put the parenting role back on their parent and step away. Treat them civilly and provide basic needs, but above and beyond that it's "go ask your father" or "that's your father's decision/responsibility". And leave everything to him. It can work for a lot of families.

Not sure if you're one of those that have to exhaust all possibilities before being able to have a clear and free mind and move on, so if so, do the marriage counseling thing and make a final go at salvaging things. If not, go ahead and start planning your exit strategy now.

Listen to your gut deep inside and realize that if you want to make it happen, you can make it happen. I lived in a garage in the middle of winter for a month eating nothing but green beans from a can for dinner. I got out. I'm MUCH happier and in a way better place than I was 2 years ago. My daughter couldn't take it and ended up moving in with her father in Michigan when she was 11. I lost the only thing that ever mattered to me because I was afraid of the exh and being on my own. If I could do anything over again, it would've been to leave MUCH sooner and make a life for my daughter and I together.

Good luck! I truly feel for you. Life's too short to be miserable. Your child is still young enough to fully trust that you'll do what's best for them. Don't make the same mistakes I did and stay just because you think you can't do it alone.

for me, i've always known i was done with a person or situation when i just didn't care anymore. different scenario, but i have an ex who cheated on me constantly and had no remorse. would mock me while i cried. i don't know why i stayed with him for 4 years. i knew i no longer loved him or wanted him in my life when he did it once again, and i wasn't hurt or angry. no tears. no desire to cry. i just found him to be thouroughly disgusting. i knew i was done in that moment.

I don't really have any advice - other than - I can answer your title question definitively.
"How do you know when you've had enough?" Answer - you find yourself walking around the house you share with your DH, mentally making a note of belongings (in my case it was mainly original works of art - on the walls that I had lovingly collected over our 24 year marriage) and pieces of furniture that I was going to take with me when I left. When you get to writing these down on a list you are well on your way.

How do you know when you're done? Well, when I have to make a huge decision, I always take a blank piece of paper and make 2 columns, "pros" and "cons", then make my decision based on what I write. Sounds simplistic, but it works every time. Our thoughts get jumbled and run into each other; journaling pros and cons brings clarity. And if you decide to leave listen to Sterling- those are words of wisdom and expierience. Good luck and God bless.

You know it's over when you don't miss being away from your DH at all (you find it a relief) AND you're willing and prepared to see your son only half the time.
You *say* he "has no chance" of getting primary custody, BUT he has every chance of getting SPLIT custody.

When being rid of your DH and his EX and your SS is worth seeing your son less, then you'll know it's over and you're ready to divorce.

ETA: Your son will *never* have the "normal family life." He will either live a somewhat normal nuclear life with you and his father, OR he will live out his childhood bouncing between homes.
Your call.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. I recently posted something similar about hating being a stepmom and just wanting to be done with it all. I don’t have any kids with DH (or at all), so I don’t have that aspect to consider when/if I decide to finally leave. I feel for you because it is sooo hard to make the decision to leave the person you love, but it must be even harder when you have your own child who is also involved. I agree with you that your DH will not get full custody, but he most likely will get some form of custody (every other week like my DH has with SD or every other weekend- something). I think when you are just feeling like you have tried everything in your power to fix things and make things work and nothing has changed.. when you feel like you are the only one who cares, the only one who is trying.. when you are EXHAUSTED.. when it is affecting other aspects of your life (like thinking about it all day at work like I do).. when you are just DISGUSTED with the way things are and the things you have allowed yourself to put up with and the way you have allowed yourself to be treated.. I think that is when enough is enough. If you have not tried counseling, I would recommend that though. DH and I went and it helped a little but didn’t make any extreme changes like I need for this relationship to last. But I would definitely recommend giving it a shot if you haven’t already.

When you realized you should not have had a child.

That was long ago wasn't it? So you're past due.

Courts find it difficult to take a young child from its mother and its up to him to prove, not just accuse. The fact that he knows you shoplifted (or whatever) when you were 17 just isn't going to do it.

when the thought of leaving is like a weight being lifted off your shoulders and you see hope for the future again