Christmas Presents
I thought I had posted this ealier but I can't find it. If it's a repeat I apologize!
Anyway, my SO and I were Christmas shopping the other day when he asked what we were going to get his child for Christmas, and I said "Well, we can get her a few small things you think she'd like"
He says he wants to get her this expensive Christmas gift that my mother is buying for my children. I say REALLY honey?!. Needless to say I do not think we should be buying this for her. He was upset with my reaction...
She is with us literally 26 days out of 365 days a year - comes over Saturday and leaves Sun. AM for church
We are BROKE right now.
Her mother and her stepfather make MUCH MUCH more money than we do, on top of the $600 a month in child support they receive each month.
We aren't even the ones buying the big gift for my kids!
We already bought all of the kids a Wii this year and games and controllers for it. I bought a few other *small* gifts for my kids to open. (Slippers, books, play food, etc.) Which there's no reason he can't pick out a few things for her too.
He says "Well she always gets the short end of the stick, I want her to have a good Christmas too."
And I'm thinking, UHHH I'm sure she's going to have a good Christmas! Her mother and other family will be spending plenty of money on her... (she always has new clothes and shoes that I'm cutting the tags off of when she comes over) and she has literally NEVER touched the brand new bike we bought her last Christmas. And it's not like she isn't going to get presents and a stocking at our house!
I'm frustrated with the situation. Am I wrong to feel that way? Do you have to go through this kind of stuff?
I don't think either of you
I don't think either of you are wrong to feel the way you do.
Your kids are getting nice, expensive gifts, and your BF wants to do the same for his daughter.
Now, if she's there a limited amount of time, I don't think that's a factor. She's his daughter.
Now, if he can't AFFORD it, that's a different story.
SAF, I usually disagree with
SAF, I usually disagree with just about everything you say, but I you just gave me a huge eye opener.
I just had this conversation with my dh again last night. My thinking was that he shouldn't go overboard with gifts because she gets TWO Christmases and since her mother doesn't work and we pay a cs (and alimony) and we have the kid 50% of the time, that she should get a "reduced" budget compared to our son, so to speak.
I don't know if I'd feel any differently if she weren't an entitled little snot who repeatedly makes it clear that she is "special" and that our lives should just stop and revolve around her when she is here and because she brags so much about the stuff she has to anyone who will listen.
BUT, I never looked at it from my dh's point of view. He wants her to have a nice Christas HERE with HIM. He is looking past the dollars and cents and past the attitude and thinking "she is my daughter and even though she gets "another" Christmas, I don't get to see that Christmas. I only get ONE Christmas with her.".
Thank you for making me see his point of view.
That said, OP, my SD is here 1/2 her life. Different than 26 days a year. And we can afford what my dh is planning to purchase. Perhaps, you can convince him (and your kids) to share this expensive item on the days she is with you and your dh can make her Christmas special with more, smaller gifts so he gets the experience of seeing her face light up without having an expensive item sit dormant for most of the year?
Stranger things have
Stranger things have happened, huh?
I'm glad it helped. I'm having my own Christmas gift issues right now, but almost the opposite of everyone else's issues.
I actually feel badly that we'll spend about 10X as much on my kids as on DH's kids...
I'm glad my skids are ADULTS
I'm glad my skids are ADULTS now ( sorry DH but they really are !!) and we don't do this buying expensive gifts malarky anymore. Lucky, too that when they were small , gifts weren't soo expensive and there was no way they expected to have the latest gadgets costing xxxx like they do today. I'm not THAT old, but it seems to me to be all Iphones, IPads, XBoxes , designer clothes etc on these lists from the skids of today !!
I always wanted to compare the wish lists the skids gave us, to the one they gave to BM and loser bf , as they were always pleading being hard up AND with another mouth ( yes the BM spewed out another sprog with the loser bf, because that makes sense when you can't afford the two you already HAD !!) to feed !!
Now, it's just DH sending over the cash, ( three figure sums here folks !! Wayyy too much in my opinion !!) and now they have almost zero interaction with !!! For them it's just HO HO HO to the nearest ATM !!!
I think it makes a difference
I think it makes a difference if she will be with you at the same time when your kids will be opening their gifts or will be there at a different time. Are YOUR kids having a second Christmas with their Dad (I don't know, hence my asking)? Does he have other family who could help pitch in for a "big" gift for his child?
My kids were your stepdaughter. I don't go crazy for Christmas. I always tried to get them something that I knew they really wanted or needed. And a few small things. They alternated Christmases between Dad & I. His attitude was that they had Christmas here. Period. Imagine how they felt when they spent Christmas with him, and his skids got a pile of stuff (they ALSO had Christmas with their other parent) and ours had odds and ends. Our two always put a good face on, but it had to have stung.
Just something to think about.
Listen, this is what I tell
Listen, this is what I tell my DH and surprisingly he was okay with it. His child has christmas with his mother, they wake up and have "santa" over there. Our kids ONLY have "santa" over here. His kids do not need two santa visits! "Santa" does not leave gifts at two people's houses. I told my DH SS was only getting 1 present from us and a stocking. He was okay with this and you know what, it makes sense. Why should his children get double the amount of presents when your children are only getting 1 christmas? Really only HE needs to get them presents. I ended up getting my SS 3 presents (yeah yeah i'm a softy, don't know why) but they were very nice presents. He got a Leapfrog leap pad which is like $100 and a game to go with it and an app card which was like $40 all together and then a r/c helicopter with batteries which was like $40-50 so altogether we spent at least $200 plus a stocking on him which is PLENTY since he will be having christmas at his mothers. Unless your Step child is waking up at your house in the morning to open gifts there is absolutely no reason to get her as many gifts as your child. It just does not make sense and I would have a talk with your husband about why he feels he needs to do this, is he trying to make up time spent with them by buying them gifts? if he worried his kids will be upset because their mother got them more? Suggest to him that he gives them the gift of "time" like an outing he can do with just his daughter, like a movie, bowling, ice skating, whatever it is she likes to do. In the end she will appreciate that more than more gifts, gifts don't buy love! ugh, I do feel for you. Having a step child and being freaking "Fair" all the time gets tiring. Don't let your kids get the short end of the stick momma, we gotta stick up for our kids and protect them and give them the best. In the end your babies are your babies and do whatever you have to do to make sure they know you won't let them be second class to the step kid. Good luck.
I really really appreciate
I really really appreciate all of the advice!
We are both still adjusting to blending our families, even though it's been a few years, that means this is only the second or third holiday season we've spent together.
I see your point on this being important for him, however, I don't think we need to buy her expensive gifts for it to be special. I don't feel the need to do it for my children. I wanted to do the 1 thing you need, 1 thing you read, 1 thing you wear, 1 thing you want rule for my kids. I LOVE holidays and presents, but I don't want them to be greedy and think that they will get whatever they ask for at Christmas.
To fill in some gaps:
My kids NEVER see their father. He's in jail for not paying support.
They do not see any of his family.
My kids get Christmas from my SO and I, and from my parents.
And no, SD doesn't spend Christmas with us.
And to be a little more clear, I don't feel like we shouldn't be getting her anything. I do want her to have a nice Christmas with us, but I was torn on buying her what my kids were getting from their grandma, just so that SD could have one on the few days she is with us.
It's all such a sticky situation it seems. He gets offended easily when we talk about things like this. So it hasn't been easy to talk about situations involving his daughter. I think things would be easier for us if she spent more time at our house, but with the current situation it just feels like a visitor that comes every once in a while. It's awkward. I'm still hoping that things get easier for us when it comes to making decisions like this. Also hoping that the visits get easier for us. Again, I appreciate the different points of view and the advice I can get here. It's comforting to have someone who knows how I feel! There aren't any divorces or mixed families in my family so my mom never knows what to tell me, even though she does her best.
My kids don't ever get
My kids don't ever get shorted. But I don't really feel like his daughter does either.
We bought a Wii for all of the kids, they got 6 games and controllers.
ALL of them will get a stocking.
ALL of them will be getting a few other gifts (dolls, games, purses, etc.)
My kids will be getting other gifts from my mom & dad.
His daughter will also have her other family to buy her gifts.
He wanted to buy her the gift that my parents are getting for my kids so that she wouldn't feel left out on the days she is at our house, but I said I didn't think we should. He got upset.
My point is:
We are not the ones getting this gift for my kids.
I don't think we need an expensive toy sitting around not being used, and then it will be outgrown before you know it.
We already bought them their own game system and stuff to go with it!
They have an entire play room at our house where they share all the other toys.
We have bought her other gifts.
I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings, but I know I did.
In a sense I can understand
In a sense I can understand why your husband would get upset. It would really hurt my feelings if my dh's mother bought our child and his child a gift but not my son which is his SS. Although I'm sure our situation is different because my dh has been my son's father since he was 2 even though biologically he isn't. He naturally doesn't want his child to get their feelings hurt even though they technically aren't the kids real family. My family always buys my SS presents just like my kids which I think should happen with every blended family, there really is no reason to leave a child out just because they aren't related by blood. It's not that hard to buy something cheap for SC. Then again if your SS is getting more presents from family that your kids aren't then it really isn't a big deal. Will his child be sitting there watching your kids open these gifts? Maybe that is why he is upset because he doesn't want his child left out.
What is so wrong with
What is so wrong with allowing children to learn about life? It isn't always fair and equal. Why is it so hard to explain to a child tht they got gifts from their mother's parents that this child didn't get and they were left out? Why is everyone so dead set on protecting kids from disappointment? Life is disappointing. They need to learn to cope. My parents get my sd one present. They get my son several. My SD's grandparents get my son nothing. Fair and equal aren't the same thing. What is equal is often not fair.
My sd will have Christmas at our house, at her mother's house, at her mother's parents' house, at my ILs house, and at my parent's house. My son will have Christmas at our house, my parents' house and my ILs house. NOT equal, but not unfair either. That is his life. And that is her life. They're different and she might not like that she gets less from my parents than our son gets, but it won't kill her.
Over my SD's life until she is 18, my dh will have paid $250K in CS. He has her 50% of the time, so she also benefits from our home. We feed her, clothe her, send her to camp, pay for extra-curriculars. If we assume that $250K over the 16 years he pays support for 50% of her life with her mother is also what he pays for her to be in our home, that is $500K for ONE kid. We also have a college fund for her. No way on God's green earth we'll come anywhere close to spending thta on our son in 16 years. Throw in the fact that our son has TWO working parents and SD has one wokring parent and it is pretty clear that things are not fair or equal between our children. Should I put $500K in a savings account for my son to even it out so he doesn't feel left out?
What a wonderful piece of
What a wonderful piece of advice. I wish I could share this with my SO. He is always concerned with making everything "fair" for his daughter. I truly do understand that he wants to do nice things with her and for her and that's fine, but I do not think that we need to do every little thing for her that we do with my kids.
That's exactly my point, she is not going to have a bad Christmas just because she doesn't get exactly what my kids get.
Thank God this hasn't been an issue or discussion at home. I voiced my opinion, he gave me his and we moved on from the subject. I posted on here just to see how other people deal with these feelings and decisions and I really do thank you guys for the understanding and ideas.
I think the issue is that as
I think the issue is that as parents we all wnt our children to be happy. We want to protect them from hurt. We want them to feel included and not to feel left out. It is natural. Unfortunately, our job as parents requires that we allow our children to experience life as it is, not as we wish it to be. It is our job to teach our children reality and to teach them to cope with the various disappointments and nuances of life. I'd love for my child to be happy 100% of the time and to never feel disappointment, but that isn't feasible, so it is my job to teach him how to cope with those disappointments so that he doesn't become overwhelmed. Teaching coping skills allows children to experience happiness even in the face of adversity rather than handing them happiness in the short term.
And in divorce when kids aren't with a parent 100% of the time and there is guilt involved, it is even more apparent that parents want to somehow make that up to them and protect them from more hurt. MANY child psychologists and psychiatrists have come out and now believe that the 'self-esteem' movement of the 80s is causing a rather sharp increase in young adults suffering from depression, anxiety and rage issues due to being raised in a world where everything went their way, where their parents protected and covered for them, where bad behavior was excused based on feelings. Our job as parents is to teach our children, not to protect them.
My ILs have pics of all the grandkids on their wall except my son. All my dh's brothers and sisters chose to skip his first birthday. Didn't even send him a gift. Fair? Equal? No, but I am not going to "make it up to him". It is what it is. I will teach him to cope with it and to understand that people can spend their time and money and decorate their homes as they choose. Doesn't say anything about him. It says a lot about them.
Your dh's daughter isn't going to be forever harmed if she doesn't get the same gift as your children. She might be disappointed. She might be sad. She might even be angry. But she will get over it if it is handled appropriately. Too many parents don't want to do the hard part. Easier to spend money then to sit your kid down and talk to them about reality.
We are going through this
We are going through this too. SO wants to go overboard for SD at our house because he knows her BM won't do much for her if anything. I don't agree with that. I feel like we do what we can and her BM does the same. IF she chooses not to do anything that is all on her and its our of our control.
I don't try to to
I don't try to to over-compensate for my kids not having their father or his family involved! They get what they get from us, and if they aren't satisfied I will take it back. I'm not going to bend over backwards so that his daughter can get everything that my kids get, that's just silly.