How do you prevent raising skids who don't call or contact DH?
So I read a lot here about how skids grow up to be ungrateful, never call DH unless they need/want something, etc.
Is there anyway to prevent this?
We have two skids .. SD5 and SD6. Their mother does not allow them to call us when they are at her house (only on VERY rare occassion when one of them goes into complete meltdown). We have to call them if we want to talk to them .. within her timelines and at her convenience.
So, if this situation continues, the skids will never learn that they should be picking up the phone to call .. BM actually discourages and disallows it in most cases. By telling them we want them to call us everyday, we only create more drama/heartache, because BM just tells them no and the PAS starts (telling them that we know they are not allowed to use the phone for outgoing calls and by us asking them to call, we are only trying to get them in trouble).
So how do you prevent that from carrying forward into their teen years?
And when does this transition of DH calling because it's his fatherly responsibility to do everything he can to maintain a realtionship with them .. and DH not being the one responsible for initiating these communications?
"How do you prevent raising
"How do you prevent raising skids who don't call or contact DH?"
Why on Earth would you ever want to do that???
That is the wish and hope of 90% of the SM on this site!!! }:)
Sorry...I just had to say it
I have no advice but I just couldn't resist....
Haha yeah I should have
Haha yeah I should have clarified that
I think it's easier when
I think it's easier when they're younger, but in your case, they live in another state. Any way you cut it, BM will have more influence on them than DH.
In my case, DH catered to his children's every whim for years and years (even long before I came around.) They both participated in elite sports, which required lots of time and money. They were never denied. DH (NOT BM, the one they now adore) took off work to drive for hours M-TH to get them where they needed to be. SS even went to Ireland when he was 15. They were never told "no."
Then he divorced BM and got with me.
They demanded he break up with me.
He, for the first time in their lives, told them "no."
End of interaction and relationship.
That's it in a nutshell.
Even now, FIVE years later, SS posted for DH's birthday on FB, "Well, I don't agree with your decisions, but happy birthday." WTF??? Like DH needs his approval? Like we approve of all of HIS decisions?
Pompous, arrogant asshole.
Sorry to hijack.
The short answer to your question: You can't.
The somewhat longer answer: You try your best to be a good parent, regardless of the other parent. You *may* get lucky in the end.
SS posted for DH's birthday
SS posted for DH's birthday on FB, "Well, I don't agree with your decisions, but happy birthday."
+++++++++++++++++++++
OMG...Did DH lite him up for that crap?
OF. COURSE. NOT. I was
OF. COURSE. NOT.
I was floored. Almost emailed the little shit and set him straight.
Then thought twice about.
IDK-my ss no longer contacts
IDK-my ss no longer contacts my dh at all. DH has stopped trying to contact him. He's 14. Ironically, he lives with mil and he still contacts his bm (whom about 18 months ago told him she wanted to terminate her rights to him and not see him ever again)-dh who has always supported him, whom he lived with the majority of his 14 years,and who was also(along with wicked old me)the one who signed him up for extracurriculars, ran him around, took him on vaca, etc, etc is not someone that ss is apparently interested in talking to.
In my case SS11 lives with
In my case SS11 lives with BM. My BF & BM live about 15 minutes from eachother. For awhile now BM will text saying skid has a belly ache or diarrhea or wants to go with his sister to get her bunny groomed etc. instead of coming for his usual visits. I can't recall the last time that BF had his kid a full visit, skid doesn't call or give a fuck to contact his father in any way, and I do believe that 11 is old enough to do so if he wanted to that is.
My BF is fed up with the games and bs with BM & skid. He is at the point now that he really doesnt't care if skid comes for his visits. He is old enough to decide whether he wants to stay home or see his father and if he chooses to give up his visits for whatever reason then so be it. My BF is not going to kiss BM or skids ass or beg to see skid. My BF has already said that he would never tell skid to fuck off and that he never wants to see him BUT if skid chooses not to see his father then so be it, he can blame himself and deal with the consequences of that decision all on his own!!!
I only hope that we do end up
I only hope that we do end up winning primary custody .. it's the only way I think DH stands any shot at maintaining any type of relationship long term with them.
The flip side, of course, is that we'd never prevent or limit the kids' relationship with their mom .. doesn't always matter if you do the right thing or not, I guess.
I think this is a tough
I think this is a tough situation to be in.
There are resources on the web for dealing with PAS. Google "Dr. Richard Warshak." He has some good stuff on his site. He has a great DVD for kids called "Welcome Back Pluto." He also has books for both kids and adults.
DH should consider getting the CO revised so there are times throughout the week where she has to make the kids available for him to call them. That way, he can document when she doesn't make them available. More evidence against her. Maybe he could even record his phone calls so a judge can hear how BM doesn't make the kids available. Check with a lawyer on that one.
It's good that DH is trying to fight this now as opposed to when they are teens. By that point, their heads will likely be so screwed up due to BM. DH needs to build a long, detailed trail on BM and keep every voicemail, print off every text message and email to/from her, record convos with her (check with a lawyer on that, though) and detailed notes about every instance where she has disregarded the CO.
I'm glad my DH decided tp fight this when my skids were younger. I can't imagine winding up with PASed out teens on my doorstep.
Kids will stop communicating
Kids will stop communicating with their father much more easily than their mother. It's just nature, biology and instinct at work.
At 14 I just let go of my oldest boy. Contact was nil for over a decade when he finally came around. It took him that long to realize his mother was full of BS. For reasons totally incomprehensible to me the younger boy never fell for his mothers crap even tho he was put under a lot of pressure.
Frankly I don't see those "lost" years as lost because most teenagers are in their own world anyway and rarely want to be with any parent if at all possible.
I am finally starting to
I am finally starting to realise there is no way you can control what the toxic parent does either. We have simlar issues with phone calls...FDH always texts first to see if it is a good time to talk to SD4, and BM then texts back when it suits her, usually when she has just promised SD that they will do something fun, so SD just says, "Mummy's reading me a brand new story now, bye". I tell SD he should just call instead of texting first, as then BM can't control it so much. But, Anyway. SD just told him that BM puts it on speaker phone anyway whenever FDH calls...so is there any point? SD will always know that BM is listening and controlling things. On the other hand, when SD comes here, BM makes a big point of saying, all me, call me, and texts saying he should 'honour SD's requests to call'. It's all just a power trip.
Somtimes I wonder why I care. Trying to care less! So, sorry no advice, it's crappy but I don't think we can change the toxic mind control coming from some of these BMs. other than to just not buy into it and never stoop to behaving in the same way...
you can guarantee them coming
you can guarantee them coming around in their teenage years by spoiling, coddling and being a human ATM (ss16 comes around ONLY when there's something in it for him). so far ss11 still comes around every 2 weeks, but slowly cancelling here and there. getting phone calls for money, though. i think when divorce happens, the father should just expect to not be a big part of their kids lives and then he won't be disappointed
That is how it is with my
That is how it is with my BF's S11. BM will text saying he has a belly ache or diarrhea, wants to hang out with friends, etc. and he won't come on his regular visits for whatever reason, but we also in turn have to cancel too for our own reasons.
My BF is fed up with BM & Skid games and bs anyways so he really doesn't even care anymore if skid/bm cancels or doesn't want to come on his visits. Plus skid never calls or makes any effort to see/talk to his father so whatever! It used to bother my BF alot when he wouldn;t see skid for weeks/months at a time or whatever reason they gave BF but then his dear wise mother told him that when my BF was a kid all he wanted to do was do his own thing and play with friends etc. so then it started to make sense to him that this was just the way it is and he no longer took offense and got hurt by his kid not wanting to come on his visits that often.
Unfortunately, it is one of the "side effects" of divorce or a break up. The father usually ends up being the one getting the shit end of the stick. But as I said in another post, my BF would never tell his kid to fuck off, not without good reason anyway, but if his kid didn't want to see or talk to him he no longer is going to get bent out of shape over it or care and then it would then be on his kid if the relationship deteriorated.
Fair enough.