Money for adult kids (bio & step)- SO is angry so I want to see if anyone agrees w/ him
I have 2 bios, 1 adopted (former SD)& 2 steps. The 3 girls (bio-18, adopted-19, step-19) are all adults. My 2 girls are on their own, SD lives w/BM. We each have 1 boy (12 and 9)at home.
The issue SO & I are having is that he doesn't like how much money I help my kids out with. This month was about $700 plus I loaned my sister $100. I feel that since our finances are separate, it's none of his business as long as I am paying my part of household expenses, ESPECIALLY since I have been picking up his slack since he has been having some rough times lately. I earn my own money, do not get any CS from ex & don't ever ask SO for money. Boys at home are well taken care of.
He doesn't complain when I spend money on SD, who I am also very generous to. I even paid for half of her car for her!
BUT SO feels that if kids are out on their own, I should not be giving them any money other than Xmas/B-day gifts. SO feels the extent of their safety net should be a couch to sleep on if really needed or maybe $20 here or there.
I don't tell SO what to do with his money. I am kind of resentful he is bugging me about mine. What do you think? Should I be giving SO input into my spending decisions? Also, we may be getting married soon, is it even realistic to try to keep finances separate when married?
hi... your post was good and
hi...
your post was good and I also think that we can save the more money for adult kids. I read your post this help me how to manaze this all kind of problems.
thanks to post
www.ways2capital.com
Me, personally, would tell my
Me, personally, would tell my SO to stick a sock in it. I don't care to hear his opinion on how I spend my money. I agree that it sounds like he's worried you won't keep supporting him and his children if you are spending it elsewhere.
I have both a 401k and a
I have both a 401k and a pension. SO has pension from his old job but can't save for retirement right now. I guess I feel helping the kids get on their feet now will keep them from needing us as much later but maybe that's an erroneous assumption on my part.
Thank you for your input. I
Thank you for your input. I guess I really do have to think about whether my assumption about helping them now will put them in a better position for the future is valid. I just don't want them to get discouraged and give up the way so many people do.
SO supports himself and his
SO supports himself and his son for the most part. He lost a union job a couple of years ago when the economy went bad and since then has been running his own contracting company,he's doing okay, not great. Problems are that in that type of business...income is kind of feast or famine depending on what jobs you get that month but overhead is always the same which means sometimes it's rough. Also he hurt himself a few weeks ago and has to have surgery which is impacting his productivity as there are some things he can't do. So when it's a famine I help out with household expenses, but I always make him pay his own CS....I would rather rot in hell than pay that, although I will buy SS anything he needs.
I thank you guys for your input....I didn't think of the fact that he could be worried I won't be able to help him out...He said it's different for SD because I don't help her as often and she is technically still at home cause she is living with BM, but I think you guys have hit the nail on the head.
I suppose I will have to talk to him and ask him point blank if that's the problem so we can address that. It probably is because surgery is next week and he may be worried about being short due to recovery time.
However,I feel helping my kids out now to get stable will prevent them from having to come back home later.
There are MANY a poster on
There are MANY a poster on here with separate finances who freak the hell out when their SO gives money to his kids. ESPECIALLY the adult kids. I think it's considerably interesting that you are providing the "flip side" to this, and posters are all "it's your money, blahblahblah." If this was posted about the SO doing what you're doing, they'd be all "hell, no, he needs to stop that!"
Shrugs.
Neverending hypocrisy.
If you're giving them $700 a month, stop and ask yourself...why are they not able to care for themselves? Are you enabling them? Are you crippling them? At 18 and 19 (still young) what are they doing? Working? School? Did you make a committment to cover certain expenses while they went to school?
OH and I guess I should say
OH and I guess I should say that part of SO's problem is that the $700 was on top of paying their cellphones (family plan) and car insurance (same policy). SD is included in these things too.
BD18 is a fulltime college student at a university. She needed extra help because she transitioned to a better job and did not have savings to cover not having a paycheck for 3 weeks.
Adopted daughter 19 is my problem child. She was my step from my previous relationship, I helped raise her till she was six. Then I didn't see her again until CPS called me when she was 15 and asked me to foster her cause her bioparents are losers, I wound up adopting her. She has a lot of issues, she was in community college but is taking a break this semester because she got pregnant and is almost ready to deliver. I paid half of a deposit on a new apartment for her and her partner. I don't agree with her recent choices but I helped anyway because I love her.
Is your DD repaying you? I
Is your DD repaying you? I can see why you helped her out.
I do NOT understand paying cell phones, insurance, and other assorted sundry items. They are adults, living on their own. They need to pay these things. Period.
Your AD is making very adult choices. She isn't in school, but is knocked up...which will, ironically, provide ALL SORTS of free government aid for her. Welfare, WIC, food stamps, free school, etc.
Now she's shacking up with her baby daddy, and you're funding it. So, yeah, I think you're enabling this bad behavior. She is going to be a MOTHER. Time for her to get her shit squared away, imo.
"Helping" often has nothing to do with love. Loving her means having the chutzpah to teach her responsibility and let her fall on her face when she needs to.
BTW, I was a teen mom at that age...no baby daddy to help out, and no one paid for my shit. She can do it. She just needs to learn to depend on herself, not you.
DD would pay me back if I
DD would pay me back if I asked her to but I didn't. I agree about AD, but they were living with friends and got kicked out so I didn't want her to be homeless. I really struggle with her because she just does the dumbest things and will not listen to anyone until after the shit hits the fan. I agreed to foster her and ultimately adopted her because she is my bio kids half sister and I thought having some stability would help her. So far it's been a mixed bag. I appreciate your input and I will think about whether I am handling things appropriately with her.
What about combining your
What about combining your "help" with expectations?
I'll give you this money, but you need to... go to school? Work? Do something productive?
I wouldn't keep writing her blank checks. There's no motivation for her to do any better than what she's doing now.
Ha, ha, this was what I was
Ha, ha, this was what I was thinking. Many SMs get mad as hell when their SO opens their wallet to HIS kids, even if the finances are separate.
I really appreciate you
I really appreciate you helping me see the opposite point of view... I will definitely have to think about this when I talk to SO. I want him to feel an equal in the relationship but the main reason I worked so hard to get where I am and to be independent instead of relying on anybody is that I don't want to answer to anybody about what I want to do when I want to do it.
Believe me, I get the being
Believe me, I get the being independent thing but there is independent and then there is single. You are are not actually single.
I am very independent. I was doing great on my own when I met my husband and I would do great on my own if he left me. We have been together for 16 years and we do not have one joint account between us. It works for us.
My husband doesn't know crap about decorating but I ask his opinion and get his input on everything I do, because you never know, he might have an ok idea every now and again. Not exactly the same thing but you get what I mean. We are a team. I want him to know I consider us a team in everything.
It's not about "answering" to anybody. If I go out with the girls, my DH doesn't mind, but he likes me to keep in touch so he doesn't worry, so he knows that nothing has happened to me. It's called consideration for your partner.
I guess that is true. I
I guess that is true. I suppose I am gonna have to find some kind of balance. I wanted separate finances because I wanted to AVOID fighting about money....so much for that.
Oh, believe me, having
Oh, believe me, having separate finances doesn't prevent fighting about money! Because of my husband's ex-wife (total bitch) we used to fight about money all the time. We don't anymore, but at first, he always thought I was trying to rip him off. Quite funny, since I have always made more than him but it was his past experiences with his two exes that was making him leery.
It is a balance and sometimes that is hard to find. My best advice is, communication. About the past, the present, and the future.
A lot of times, people get freaked out about money because of some experience from their past. And as well, there are worries about the future. Just talk to him. I think you can find that balance.
Okay the takeaways for me are
Okay the takeaways for me are that:
1. I need to talk to SO to see if he's worried he will be short on money either now or in the future and I will not be able to help because I squandered my money on my kids.
2. I need to evaluate whether I am really helping the kids in the long run
I found this very helpful and I really appreciate all comments!
If your adopted daughter is
If your adopted daughter is your trouble child, you may find that helping her financially, hinders her more helps her, especially once the baby arrives. She will expect that purse of yours to never close. She will probably use plenty of guilt and pull on your heartstrings. Be prepared.
I'm 28 and my parents will
I'm 28 and my parents will help me til the day I die if I needed it. They are your kids and if you want to help , you have the right!
If you are paying what you need to pay , he can kiss it. It's your money , your family.