desperately needing advice
Hi, I am new to this site and before posting myself, I have had a good look around and read a lot of posts and I must say I am relieved to say I am not the only one having to deal with the joys of stepmotherhood!
Wow, where do I start? Maybe by saying, I absoultely hate my SS with a passion but am madly in love with his BF, my boyfriend of 11 months. God only knows I have tried my hardest to bond with the spoiled brat, but it just hasn't worked. Just the sight of him makes me wanna :sick:
I don't know what to think anymore as I really do wanna make this work, but can't see how this is ever going to work.
The biggest problem is SS who is 7 acts like a spoiled brat and gets away with everything. He is rude, disrespectful, doesn't do as told, nags until he gets his way, lies through his teeth etc... and the biggest issue is that boyfriend doesn't see it at all. For him, his son is only a child who is testing the boundaries. But the problem is that boyfriend hasn't imposed any boundaries to the kid, so kid pretty much does what he wants and gets away with it. Dad will say no, but kid will go on and on and on until dad gives in. And I just can't agree with this way of raising a child!!
I would really appreciate advice from people in the same sort of situation. Do you get involved in the discipline side of things with SKs or not? I have found myself in situations sometimes where I have not been able to keep quiet and told the kid off, but I was told on a few occasions by boyfriend that "he would take care of it" but his way of taking care of it means the kid only gets a lecture and never a real punishment and it really annoys the hell out of me!!! Especially as I am trying my best to educate my own BS with clear boundaries and rules and I am extremely worried that SS's behaviour is gonna rub off on my BS and that scares the hell out of me!!!
I am worried that my 5 year old boy (who is mostly very well behaved) will turn out like that spoiled brat. He has already noticed a few things and said "why can he do that and I can't?" "why is he not going on the naughty step for saying/doing this?".
I am glad that at the moment we do not live together as I could not put up with this nonsense on a daily basis, but at the same time, what is a point of being in a relationship if we do not look to the future and how to move forward??? I would eventually want to get married to boyfriend and maybe have other children, but can not get over this huge difference of opinion on the topic of discipline/raising children. I know for a fact I cannot reason with boyfriend about it, because he will always get the "poor kid has had a horrible childhood with alcoholic mother, cut him some slack" card out.
So what would you do in a situation like mine? Stay? Leave? Have it out with boyfriend? I am lost, confused and completely desperate, need help, please...
Thanks
C.
Wow. Oh, wow. First, would
Wow. Oh, wow.
First, would you be with a man who hated your son with a passion? I know I wouldn't. If that's the case, you OWE it to them to leave.
Second, you aren't going to change BF. Simple. He's told you that, you've admitted that. It is what it is. "Having it out" with him isn't going to change anything. You cannot make him be a parent the way you think he should be...no more than he could make you be a different type of parent.
The kid is 7. SEVEN. There are so.many.years.left of this. If he were 17, it might be different. SEVEN. I cannot imagine how staying is an option.
Finally, you've been in this relationship for less than a year. Why are you struggling so? This is just a brand new, baby relationship, and you ALREADY hate his son with a passion. Time to fish or cut bait. This relationship is doing a disservice to you, your son, your BF, and his son.
I have to say I agree with
I have to say I agree with this.
Op, I think you need to get out now while you still can. You're not married to bf. He's indicated that he doesn't want to change.
Hello, welcome to ST.Many of
Hello, welcome to ST.Many of us are in very similar situations , but yours sound quite extreme.I understand you love your boyfriend but in order to build a future together he needs to change things around drastically.From what I read here he is changing nothing.He allows his child everything, spoils him rotten and plays the guilty dad card.
For this to work he would need to learn that his behaviour is neither good for his child nor for the relationship.
There are books (step monster), online help and councelling, but he needs to be less defensive and more open to get help or at least to a change of perspective.Without that I can't see that you will be happy together.
In saying that, my SO was spoiling and overcoddling his daughter (7) so much when we started dating-she ruled his house, his life and made the decisions.I observed it for a while and then told him again and again that I can't accept how it would impact our rs and me.I told him that there was zero emotional space for me when she was around.I told him that she was neither cute nor acceptable pushing herself between us all the time.And I told him that I would NOT compete with a child for her father-and he needed to treat her like his daughter not a mini wife if he wanted to be with me.
It took a while , but I am happy I stayed- he was of course quite defensive at the beginning , but I didn't give in and told him again and again that like this we can't have a healthy rs, so he started to change slowly but steadily.
He is still sometimes too weak, but nobody is perfect and parenting is hard.
I would put your BF right on the spot and tell him how you feel.And don't let him ridicule you- your feelings are valid and normal, if he comes up with the "he is only a child and you are the adult"crap, just stay calm and repeat what you need to say.Once he understands you don't say things to harm his child in anyway emotonally, hopefully he will listen.If not, you should run.
Thanks for the advice, you
Thanks for the advice, you are right, I need to tell him but I know it is going to be hard and I am worried about his reaction. But things can't go on like this!
I am glad that it worked out for you, how do you get on with your SD?
Desperatestep, it is ok,
Desperatestep, it is ok, though my emotions go virtually up and down with her.In the morning I might find her pleasant and sweet and at lunch I may feel exhausted and frustrated.But the point is that SO really changed his behaviour towards her (90% off the time :))and that helped me being less resentful towards her, since we try to pull on one string plus the adult rs comes first.I think it helps SD as well in a way to understand that she does not have adult status anymore and isn't loved less by her dad.But if he wouldn't have done all that I would have exploded one day and walked out, I think.I deserve to be treated like his wife, if SO and I go strong this helps our kids , too.
It is very difficult to come
It is very difficult to come to a common ground on raising children. NOT ONE PERSON raises their kids the same or even grew up the same way. I have been with my husband for almost five years now and we still argue about how parenting should be done with my kids, his kids, or the one we have together. No one thinks their own child is doing anything wrong, so the parent never really sees the imperfections of their behavior. We always point out the other kids' mistakes, and that's completely normal. If you love him as much as you say then just go for it! My husband and I will always have disagreements when it comes to this, it's just life and we still love eachother at the end of the day. Things like this take time and lots of it and changes don't come fast at all. It's not always a bad thing to test the waters, you never know what could happen
Thanks for the advice
Thanks for the advice supermom5, i do want to believe it is all going to work out and am glad to hear it is for you. Time is what I have on my side at the moment so I am gonna take it and take one day at a time... see where that takes me... I am not gonna rush into a decision, hopefully with time, things will get better and if they don't, then at least, I know I will have tried my best at this relationship
Some practical advice: first,
Some practical advice: first, do not discipline or "tell off" a child that you are not bonded with. If you read up on step parenting any book would tell you that. Even if you absolutely detest what the kid is doing, leave it up to his father to address. You can share your observations with your boyfriend later, in private, - he may not see it your way, but if you stay nuteral in your tone and approach, he may consider your observations and advice. But, it may take a long while. Second, read, read, read all the step parenting books now - you need to be completely aware of what you are embarking on, how it will be, how it will feel, many challenges ahead. Then you will be able to make a good prediction whether your love for this man would prevail or drop off after the standard 2 year period of 'hormonal excitement' ends. The more aware you are about what step parenting involves, the more likely you are to succeed, if you choose to stay with this man.
On a personal level -I love my husband very much, and I am staying forever and working through it all, committed to my SD4.... but if I had a choice to go back in time, when I met him, I would walk away and go find someone else to love, someone with either grown up children or no children at all. It sounds harsh, but step parenting is a very difficult road to walk. Life is short. Happiness is paramount. With that, wishing you good luck, patience, understanding, compassion and strength - you'll need them all..
thanks a lot for the advice,
thanks a lot for the advice, any recommended read in particular?
I found "Becoming a
I found "Becoming a Stepfamily" by Papernow useful, not because its a nice read, but because it describes the developmental stages that a stepfamily goes through, as well as the issues common to each stage and possible paths to solution. It is written more for professionals, but its a very insightful read. If you are not familiar with 'step parenting stages', try to google it and read a little bit online. I think that's where I started 2 years ago, and I am glad I did, it made me aware of what is coming and which attitudes are normal and how they will evolve.
step monster is a good book,
step monster is a good book, des.
Was I glad to hear you
Was I glad to hear you weren't shacking up like I thought 100% of people are doing before they end up here.
Like the others have said you have no business continuing this relationship, you owe it to your BF, his kid, your kid and yourself. This is a lose,lose,lose,lose situation.
Want some generic advise? I'll give it to you anyway. Don't plan on marrying until your kid and any potential suiters kid(s) are all out of the house or at least graduated from high school and going to college full time. Even dating should be done on the sly as well as any "sleep overs".
Its the best thing for the child for one thing and GREATLY reduces the stress in the adults life. Studies are showing that children of "broken" homes do very closely to "normal" homes as long as the parent(s) don't remarry until they're grown. Its a serious study and if you want what is best for your child you'll take it seriously also.
Me too. I fell in lust with
Me too. I fell in lust with my DH when we got together. I told him we'd work it all out somehow. I wish I had found this website first. A couple of kids later, although i don't resent my children the least bit...i love them so much. I would not have gone down this road. It has taken a toll over my emotional state. I thought i was strong enough for this. Please think about what you can and can't deal with. good luck!
thanks for all the advice, I
thanks for all the advice, I have decided to sit the boyfriend down and talk things through, tell him how I feel and let's see what happens...
It never gets better. It
It never gets better. It only gets worse. Find a new man who has no kids or whose kid you don't hate.