Real advice needed
So BM told DH she wants to talk to me. All communication has been through DH rather than calling me. It could be to be to ask a favor or
To condemn me for something or to speak for SD. Either way, it's not something I want to deal with. I don't want to say anything I'll regret but on the other hand am so tired of being controlled by this woman behind the scenes. I may have to deal with her for a very long time so it's best to be prudent.
Tell her to put it in an
Tell her to put it in an email.
^^^^Agree^^^^ If you prefer
^^^^Agree^^^^
If you prefer not to speak to her directly, that is YOUR right. She has no control over your choice. Personally, I would stick to email communication since some BM's really just want to start feuds, which is unacceptable behavior. Plus, with email there is proof of what's really being said.
There's an idea...I'll make
There's an idea...I'll make sure she has my email. She probably wants to give me a hard time because I finally grew a few and asked SD to resume flushing the toilet. I realize that may not seem like much to many of you...but it was a great leap for me. Of course, I waited til DH was out of the room. If I hadn't, he would have come to her defense. I am realizing that approaching a situation in an attempt to control it doesn't usually work well. For years DH has been overpaying for a certain item for SD that I knew could be bought for less elsewhere. We're talking $100 + a month less. But when ever I broached the subject, I was summarily shut down and told to stay out of it....well I went and bought it myself but presented it in a non controlling way, and lo and behold....it appears to be working!
Do not make sure she has your
Do not make sure she has your email... all she will do is sign you up for every spam site she can and clog that one up. Make an email address specifically for communication with her and give her that one, then if she does do this, you can email her and tell her that she should not have abused your attempt at working together and then close the account.
Well, there's an idea.
Well, there's an idea. Anything could happen. I don't know what it would take to make us friendly. We pretend sometimes. If she were not BM and I SM....it might be different. She's probably not the monster I make her out to be....and I probably think she has more power that she does.
I can see there are arguments
I can see there are arguments FOR meeting her, but personally, I would not agree to it, because of our BM's history - and knowing she is "always right" and totally unreasonable. You have to judge, based on what you know of her and the situation, whether this is a reasonable request or not. I think, if you have any reservations at all, best to ask her to put it in an email.
Frankly I doubt if its
Frankly I doubt if its negative. Just meet in a public place - food court at the mall and if it turns bad just walk away. You don't even have to order to sit down.
Mmmm. All good advice. She
Mmmm. All good advice. She probably wants to ask me to take SD 25 one day a week because I lost my job. This would mean driving a long distance to spend time with someone who has never been very nice to me. Believe me...I put in a lot of effort to be welcoming to both SKs but it never worked. At this point it would be mutual resignation to spend time together. OR BM wants to discuss beginning to build next door. This has been in the works for sometime but BM is hesitant due to money issues and the fact that it is not a smooth relationship for me and SD or me and BM. DH and SD want the move, but SD would prefer I didn't exist. I know many of you will say "run for the hills", but BF spends 5k a yr transporting SD, not to mention the time involved. It's also a safer place for her to walk without getting hit by a car, so maybe she would gain some independence by walking her dog on her own. Perhaps if they lived closer, BM would let me help find a caregiver that could be used as part of the village it takes to raise this forever child. I'm trying to look on the bright side...but I know that once they are here, SD and her enormous stinky dog will be over more than the current 60 hours EOW plus 1 weeknight. BM and her fiancée will be over here borrowing shit and offering their crap I don't want even more often.
Sometimes I think I can handle it, and sometimes I don't. I can't tell which shows more strength...living through it and making the best of it, or starting over and living a different sort of life of my own making. I'll wait 'til BS finishes school, and then decide.
I want to tell BM that I have resented her interference and PAS and feelings of entitlement for a long time and that I want to set firm boundaries. But how can I when DH won't enforce them or doesn't think they are necessary?
Wow! I think I hear her downstairs putting dishes away! That's a first!
Nope, you keep control and do
Nope, you keep control and do not abdicate it to BM by letting her have any say in how and if the two of you will communicate.
Tell her what she will do and how she will do it as far as that communication is concerned and hold her accountable for adhering to your dictates. If she engages in compliance with your rules then you can loosen up a bit later but only after she clearly demonstrates an extended period of absolute compliance with your requirements.
It took us a while to get the SpermIdiot and SpermClan in compliance with this during our own blended family adventure but eventually they did get it. Mainly because they got sick of the pain caused by non compliance. The got tired of having their asses dragged back to court, being told "Read the CO!!!!" and otherwise being told NO!!! We went through cycles with the SpermClan every 2-3 years. Absolute enforcement of our rules, the CO, supplemental County rules and regulations (we never told them about them, we just smacked the idiots with them when they got stupid), and state laws followed by some discussion and loosening of strict enforcement followed by a period where they got shitty again. Lather, rinse, repeat over and over again until we finally quit loosening up our proverbial beatings of their idiot asses.
Our major cross to bear was SpermGrandMa. We had a 2-3 year communication cycle with her too. She made all of the visitation travel overtures, paid the worthless POS SpermIdiot's CS and otherwise was the PITA bitch from hell. When she became more intollerable than even we could stand we would stop all communication with her until finally the SpermIdiot would call us to ask why we were not taking calls from his mommy. Then he would be our sole interface for a while until he would assure us that SpermGrandMa was under control. Then the cycle would start again.
Set the rules, hold BM accountable for compliance and smack her with the CO when she even thinks about stepping out of compliance.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
You have no legal obligation
You have no legal obligation to meet her or talk to her. BM went so far as to refuse to bring ss(then 3) home unless i would talk to her on the phone. I refused and dh told her that if she did not bring ss back he would call the police. she brought him back. I did eventually meet her and it was awful and pointless. I had the same thoughts you are having: im raising her kid, im going to be dealing with her for years, if she wants to meet me then she should... If you dont want to, then dont. Because you dont have to. Control what you can control. When you meet her you will feel like you have lost some of your control of the situation and as a stepparent thats a hard hit.