bad situation only getting worse..help
Can't say i have ever felt so alone, but this is not going to get any better..
She has two boys 13 and 15. Its them and then there is me...younger one is cooler. We get along. Older one is a total slob and has the brain power of a tree..I'm constantly on his ass about something.
That's just part of the problem..its mostly her.
She has never figured out that good starts in the home. She's all about her career and when we met the kids were totally undisciplined and a mess. She would rather be a friend than a mom which leaves me in a difficult situation. I always the one making sure stuff is done or the kids are doing what they are supposed to.
Its always about her and what she's going through or how her job is and I feel like the maid or the taxi etc. Not only that, but she treats me like I'm not important or even around unless she needs something. Big ball of emotion and agree that I just can't deal with anymore. She talks about being grateful but actions speak differently. She has no clue how hard it is to come into a situation like this and succeed since she's never been in my place.
We fight all the time about how I'm treated and she apologizes, but 24 hours later, back to the norm. This has been going on for 4 years.
I work but don't make as much as she does so its like I am inferior. She doesn't support me in my ideas or likes but I am expected to get involved with everything about her. I have tried so hard to fit into this situation and help.. Even at the expense of my own kids time, who don't live with us.
I'm just tired of being treated like shit and have never been in this situation before.
This has obviously affected my health, my attitude... I honestly can't stand any of them.
I believe she is a horrible mom, wife and if she spent as much time tending to the home front as she does her job, things would be better...but that's not her. Horrible meaning the omission part, not commission.
Its like she doesn't even care about what I bring to the table..or even recognizes it. I dread coming home from work. She has the personality of a rock. Tired of the deer in the headlight look when I try and explain these things to her. Then when I get angry, she blames me for treating her poorly and calls me abusive.
I can't win.. Lost cause I believe ... I feel like an empty hollow shell of a vibrant fun guy I once was.
So sorry to hear this What
So sorry to hear this
What do you want to do? It sounds to me like you've made up your mind that it's just never going to change. If that's the case, the sooner you leave, the faster you can get on with your life.
Do you think a separation would help? Or would that throw her over the edge? I would mention disengaging, but it seems to me that you're past that point .. however, in theory it may help you. I'm not sure she would understand it .. but maybe it's worth a shot?
I'm at a loss .. I feel terrible for you
I've changed a lot for the
I've changed a lot for the relationship and it seems so one sided. I believe I have no other choice in the matter. I have suggested counseling but she doesn't feel SHE needs it.
Would she be willing to do it
Would she be willing to do it for you? Maybe if you approach in a non-threatening way, she will be open to giving it a shot?
Farmerted (16 Candles?) you
Farmerted (16 Candles?) you sound miserable.
And justifiably so.
I have to ask-how long have you been together? Did all of this just start? It doesnt seem that way.
It also doesnt sound like you have kids together.
If you are as miserable as you sound you should leave.Is there a reason you cant?
Life is too short to continue in a situation that turns you into a hollow shell.
You cant make her change and it doesnt sound like she would but do you talk to her about any of this?
Feeling alone is awful.Feeling alone when youre in a relationship is a million times worse.I wish you the best.
I've changed a lot for the
I've changed a lot for the relationship and it seems so one sided. I believe I have no other choice in the matter. I have suggested counseling but she doesn't feel SHE needs it.
No kids together thank
No kids together thank God.
Been together for 4 years and it hasn't gotten any better. I'm just tired of the one putting in the effort to make this place a home with no reciprocation. Everything else seems more important and its hard to believe she can't see the importance of the home.
Not to mention I had found out she's been married three other times and didn't bother to tell me when we were dating because she thought I would think badly of her..wow...took that choice away from me..something I might have liked to know.
Worse part is I found out from her parents of all people, not her
No kids together thank
No kids together thank God.
Been together for 4 years and it hasn't gotten any better. I'm just tired of the one putting in the effort to make this place a home with no reciprocation. Everything else seems more important and its hard to believe she can't see the importance of the home.
Not to mention I had found out she's been married three other times and didn't bother to tell me when we were dating because she thought I would think badly of her..wow...took that choice away from me..something I might have liked to know.
Worse part is I found out from her parents of all people, not her
Thats pretty important
Thats pretty important information she chose NOT to share with you.
I dont think it will get any better because she doesnt really seem to care.Since you cant change her the only options you have are to stay and live a shitty life or leave.She doesnt even care enough to try counseling-I dont think she can be more clear about not giving a shit.
Save yourself,Man!
Agreed. I can't even fathom
Agreed. I can't even fathom how I would react if I found out DH had 3 other wives before me, and purposely didn't tell me (not that you could just forget to tell someone something like that).
Um, Yeah. This. Who keeps
Um, Yeah. This.
Who keeps something like that a secret??
BTW, OP, it sounds like she's always been this kind of mother, going back to when you first started dating.
It's never a good idea to marry someone thinking that they'll change.
I hear ya - who keeps
I hear ya - who keeps something like that from the significant other???
It was pretty easy for me to figure out she's been like this her whole life..of course, after the fact. It didn't surprise me once I started putting pieces together.
I feel I was pretty much duped and we dated for about a year before we took the plunge. I just chalked it up to difficult childhood or whatever for her, but then realized that this ain't gonna change.
Her kids were a mess, still working on it, but better - where one parent, especially after a divorce, doesn't belly up, it's the other parents responsibility to make sure the kids are raised right and that bleeds into future relationships. But when you're totally oblivious to what goes on around you AND find everything else is more of a priority than what goes on at home, then yeah....you are doomed.
Unfortunately, I didn't see it.
I was in shock and speechless
I was in shock and speechless when I found that out. Even saw photo albums of the weddings .. Unbelievable.
Writing is on the wall
Thank you everyone for your comments and I apologize for the dup entries. New to this site so my bad.
Best wishes to you! It's a
Best wishes to you! It's a hard journey .. but hopefully it's all worth it in the end!
Writing is on the wall is
Writing is on the wall is right.Thats a very big indicator of the kind of person she is.
And SM is spot on,thats not the kind of info you just 'forget' to mention.
Go figure. Not only that, but
Go figure. Not only that, but when we met in the business arena having our jobs cross paths, I used my nickname from school and my mothers family name (online) because you seriously don't know what's out there. Safer than my real name at first anyway.
She said she felt betrayed because I hadn't given her my real name when we met and a few weeks after. Betrayed...hmm.
Still holds on to that this very day and absolutely minimizes her little discrepancy...nice
Sigh
Wait .. so you're not really
Wait .. so you're not really a farmer, and your name isn't really Ted? :jawdrop:
Just kidding
Haha
Haha
Well it sounds like there are
Well it sounds like there are double standards on alot of issues in your relationship.
Ive been in a miserable relationship too.There were many factors that caused the problems but the #1 problem was that he was very selfish.That usualy doesnt just go away.
Even tho I tried very hard to make it work for our kids sake I had to ask myself one question-does the positive outweigh the negative?
When I asked myself that question and had to admit that the answer was no,I knew it was time to call it quits.And this was after almost 10 years of marriage and 2 kids together.
When its broken its just broken.No use sticking around and wishing you were living the life you want.
Well, there are a lot of
Well, there are a lot of double standards it seems. This is all so twilight zone to me.. Never been in this kind of situation before.. I have known people like this but those weren't relationships.. More like know of's if that makes sense.
I have gone over positives and negatives many times in my mind and each time I arrive at the same conclusion...
there are no positives...really.
Good Mom? No
Good Wife? No
Good Person? No, not really
Am I attracted to her in any way? No
Caring? No
Honest? Well, no
Nurturing? No
Patient? Not even
Communicator? LOL
Two faced? Yes
Selfish? Oh yes
Drama loving? Absolutely
Grateful? Nope
List goes on.
When we were in a custody battle for her kids, who was there right next to her? Me
Who did surveillance on her ex to get evidence he was an unfit father? Me... Hours and hours of that...and for free.. I am a private eye by profession and services rendered would have easily surpassed 10k with someone else.
The biggest losers would be the kids..I am the closest thing they have had to a real dad and mom is fucking that up
Male and female version? Wow.. I am sorry.. The birthday thing just makes me sad and mad. What gives people the right?.
She comes from an arrogant family I might add. Just because they have a few bucks and her dad is a Stanford graduate, she has an MBA, they all feel entitled and treat people like that...even me, who has changed the kids lives for the better 100x over and done nothing but help.
Well farmerted after all that
Well farmerted after all that youve said about your wife and your situation I have just one question....
Why are you sticking around??
I have to second this
I have to second this question ^^^^^^^^^^^^
You clearly aren't in love with her and the treatment you're receiving isn't something you should have to deal with, so why not divorce her and move on with your life?
~Mel
Because it was in my mind
Because it was in my mind that I was doing something wrong or just not handling things correctly. I also wanted to get outside opinions of the situation.. Ones that didn't cost me$100 per hour.
My own kids have suffered because of this. I have made many mistakes yes, but to have such poor judgement so many times over I should have recognized this potential buzz saw. Her judgement not mine
She doesn't deserve a guy like me and I don't deserve this shit from her or anyone.
"She doesn't deserve a guy
"She doesn't deserve a guy like me and I don't deserve this shit from her or anyone"
You got THAT right!
Oh youre still gonna get
Oh youre still gonna get charged....the cost for each of these opinions will be $100 please...JK.
I look back and think if she
I look back and think if she had come clean on the 3 previous marriages, I could have saved us both a lot of trouble.
She is used to doing this and acting her way because her last ex (BD) was a total tool and didn't give two shits about her or the kids. So the result was they each did their own thing and continued for 10 years. They actually lived in the same house, different floors and bedrooms before officially divorcing...for 5 years!
Well Ted, I think you deserve
Well Ted, I think you deserve much better!!!!!!!!
~Mel
^^^^^^I second that.There are
^^^^^^I second that.There are not enough 'good guys' out there.
Bless a more deserving woman with your qualities.
well thank you for the vote
well thank you for the vote of confidence everyone. Its been really tough and I'm pretty much at rock bottom. Really helps to talk with those people that can relate.
And yes, in order to make right decisions, it helps to have all or at least most of the info necessary.
Good luck and I wish you the
Good luck and I wish you the best. Hope you find someone who appreciates you for you and does you right!
~Mel
Thanks guys - it's a tough
Thanks guys - it's a tough situation we're all in and now I see that there are people out there just like me!
Even you Red Wings Fan - I don't hold that against you haha.
Hey now, you wanna talk
Hey now, you wanna talk hockey, I'm all for it! LOL I'm a native Detroiter living in DENVER COLORADO of all places. I have more than a thick enough skin when it comes to haters
BRING IT ON BOY!!!!! LMAO
LOL Nah, I respect the Wings
LOL
Nah, I respect the Wings cuz of who they are. Equivalent of the Yankees, Lakers, Cowboys etc, so yeah - I respect 'em.
Detroit for Denver??? At least Detroit is a REAL city lol.
Equivalent to the Spankees,
Equivalent to the Spankees, Flakers and Cowpokes? ICK - I hate to even think of the Wings being lumped with those teams. BLECH! I hate them all.
While I am proud to say I'm a Detroiter - I value my life and my possessions, so I very intelligently do not LIVE in Detroit
Denver's ok. I'm hoping to make a move back to the east coast sometime next year. Thinking Virginia (loved and very much miss it there). Driving distance to Michigan to visit my daughter and family more often than living here, closer to the ocean (which I miss like CRAZY) and one of my favorite of the 11 states I've lived in.
Where do you hail from?
~Mel
Oh come on.. reference to
Oh come on.. reference to those teams only meant they consistently won all the time - Yankees and Cowboys have trailed off somewhat lol.
LOL Totally understand the value of life and limb, so moving from Detroit to Denver would have it's advantages.
Virginia is nice - have alot of friends out in VA Beach and Norfolk. Living to the ocean is understandable though - I grew up overseas and the beach was about 500 ft from my front door!
I am from the Dallas area.
Got ya. And yes, we do win
Got ya. And yes, we do win all the time and are one of the most consistent team in the world of sports
I haven't lived in MI in a long time. Born and raised there but I've lived in Florida, Virginia, North Carolina, Iowa, New York, Hawaii (which is where I moved from to here), Colorado, Nevada, New Mexico and Tennessee. Out of all of those places, VA is my favorite. I've been back in CO for exactly 2 yrs now. I miss the ocean like mad.
And the ONLY reason I'm a Broncos fan is because Peyton Manning is here now. I JUST became a Broncos fan
When they signed Peyton. Otherwise, I was a Colts fan since the Lions were sooooo horrible practically my entire life. I don't watch basketball and baseball bores me. I'm hockey first, then football (GO BLUE) and then NASCAR (Jimmie Johnson since he was a little guy, way before 5 championships in a row). I'm definitely a sports buff.
~Mel
Sounds like you are quite the
Sounds like you are quite the traveler. Quite a few states, you must know the area well! lol.
Can't say I've ever been a Broncos fan - even with Manning - I respect the guy though - until that line full of holes will have him carried out on a stretcher. Ain't gonna take much - one hit. Done.
I like basketball, some baseball, yes hockey (sharks, kings mostly) and enjoy NASCAR now and then. Haven't been to the track in years though.
Good to hear you're into sports!
BTW, actually an Asst Coach for our HS team here. I'm only Level 1 but Coach thought I'd be good for the team. Leveling starts in two weeks! The two SS's both play hockey, one is a goalie and the other a shooter - both are Midget Minors. It's fun, but damn expensive and time consuming.
Yeah my ex ass (can't even
Yeah my ex ass (can't even bear to call him an "ex husband" due to his douchebag status) moved us around a lot. I told him one last move was all I was willing to do and that landed us back in Denver for the 2nd time in 4 yrs. I caught him red-handed with another woman's tongue in his mouth and filed for divorce. He'd been cheating and lying for years, but this was the first chance I'd gotten to actually SEE it. Even though it came too late. I'd already lost everything that ever mattered to me by then. So he left, I stayed. For the first time in my entire life, I'd set out on my own even though everyone in my family was begging me to move back to Michigan so they could help. I was determined to stand on my own two feet.
Awesome that you're a coach! I follow a lot of minor league teams as well. ECHL, CHL. Denver's getting a CHL team this year. Excited that I don't have to drive up to Loveland now to see the Eagles as much. I only go to the Avs games when my boss gives me his season tickets. I won't PAY to see them. I always root for the other team, even if they're playing Chicago! LOL
Yes, hockey is very expensive and time consuming, but whoa is it fun. I played goalie for many years growing up in MI on the frozen lakes...always such a great time! My 14 yr old daughter LOVES hockey as well. She'd rather watch the rookies and the minors than NHL though. Used to have season tickets to the Las Vegas Wranglers and still keep in touch with a lot of the players even though they've moved on to either NHL or other teams.
~Mel
Kudos for you standing your
Kudos for you standing your ground - guess I need to take some pointers and put it into action. Moving sucks - losing everything that matters to you sucks - great that you're standing on your own and making it work.
I don't watch any the pros actually - we go to the CHL games here watching Allen Americans. Alot more fun. Besides, the arenas are so far away (pros)in any sport, so we just stick close to home.
Kids are 97 and 98 - 98 is playing up this year - both AA. Great that your daughter loves it....yes, time consuming and exhausting to haul everyone around, but they enjoy it.
Thanks. It took a whole lot
Thanks. It took a whole lot of conquering my fears of being alone, plus sheer stubbornness and pride to just say I'm going to do this myself for once! Ex ass had me so controlled with his threats, his abuse and fear I couldn't do anything myself that I stayed for 8 long years. Lost homes, jobs, cars and most importantly, custody of my only daughter. She chose to live with her dad in Michigan due to us moving around so much. She never could settle in and make friends before we'd be up and moving again. It was horrific how he treated us. He once choked me out (he's a trained air force special forces ex soldier) right in front of her saying "20 more seconds and your mom is DEAD". She was traumatized completely by that.
I will never allow anyone to have that kind of control over me again. EVER. Moving sucks, losing things sucks, but gaining your self esteem and YOURSELF back - that's worth it all! I lost 115lbs, bought my own truck (albeit a POS Ford Explorer, it's still MINE) and lived in my former supervisor's GARAGE for 4 mos in the middle of Colorado winter with only a space heater. But yes, I did it all by myself, all for myself. And I'll never go back to being anyone's "bitch" again. That was ex ass's favorite thing to tell everyone "she's my bitch - she does it all for me"...SICKENING that I allowed myself to be degraded and treated so horribly for so long.
Anyhow, I certainly hope you can find your way out and onto a better life. I was SO much happier shivering all night long in my winter coat, gloves, socks, sweaters, under 4 comforters and a space heater ALONE than I ever was in a $2,000 bed with him in Hawaii...
Wow, and you know something?
Wow, and you know something? It is about your self esteem. It is about your YOURSELF. I've totally lost the person who I REALLY am in all this. And yes, the proper word is degrading. Most people don't believe that WOMEN can't be abusive, but oh yes, it is a form of abuse in my case and guess I never realized it. It's totally how I'm meant to feel - like a little bitch and let me tell you something...I was once a very successful businessman and entrepreneur with an A type personality, fun loving, love to laugh and kid around...I've let her strip that all from me. It's like this dark cloud that just covers everything around and about her.
Now I hear "I don't believe you were ever a good businessman because you lack motivation" WTF? And this is when I get home from work, sit down on the couch for maybe 1/2 an hour and she comes in and says "what are you doing? .. why aren't you helping me with dinner? Why aren't you setting the table??" Holy shit! I just sat down. This is someone who used to complain to me that her ex never did anything for her..ya know, like remember birthdays or Xmas or Mothers Day. So what did I do? I made sure she was remembered..from personal gifts I knew she'd appreciate to dinners to helping with dinners to making it a great Mothers Day to remember...making the kids pick out something special for her...and you think that gratitude lasted more than 24 hours? No...I couldn't believe it. List goes on and on.
Well, I have to find myself like you refound yourself.
EXACTLY! Why Teddy dear, I
EXACTLY! Why Teddy dear, I do believe you've been blindsided with a big ole' slap of "WTF have I been doing for all this time, letting someone treat me like this"???? LOL
It's true. Once I regained MY confidence and control of MY life - I was reborn! The tiny (all 5' of me) but mighty blonde with the DETROIT ATTITUDE! I found ME and fffff anyone that doesn't approve. I lived my life for someone else for far too long and it turned me into a fat, lazy drunk who could care less about anyone else but him. And he loved pushing my face further into the dirt, loved calling me worthless, loved seeing me fall over and over again, knowing HE was the only one that could pick me up. I was the same - type A, successful, CONFIDENT and fun loving. Not after he snowed me and started controlling me. I gained weight so no one else would find me attractive, I started drinking heavily with him otherwise he'd scream at me for hours while he got drunk, I stopped caring about friends, family, my own daughter - all for him. I lost myself. I was no longer me. I was gone.
Please don't let her continue making you her bitch...no one deserves that. And if you have to do as I did and sleep in someone's GARAGE in the middle of the winter, eating green beans out of a can every night for dinner for weeks, DO it. Trust me, once you have just the slightest bit of control over your own life, you won't mind even the largest of sacrifices you have to make to continue having it.
Life's short buddy. Live it for you. Live YOUR life for you! I can't preach it enough. I practice it every day. I could never go back to that again. Never.
You pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take control of your life, Teddy. You're the only one who can!!!!!!!!
~Mel
It sounds like you know
It sounds like you know EXACTLY what I've been going through - All comments are pretty damn good and I know realize what has to be done.
Thanks for letting me vent. I am tired of being the bitch and I've (like you) always been the strong one and wow, never thought this would happen to me.
Sounds like your situation was so wrong in so many different ways, but extreme kudos for getting out of that mess, regardless of where you had to live or eat. Nobody deserves that...you're right.
I don't deserve this. It's unreal and shocking and thought I was in the wrong. I'm the only one who can fix it...damn straight. Time to get cooking.
YAY! First step is admitting
YAY! First step is admitting you are in a situation you no longer want to be in, Ted. Now you just have to set everything in motion.
And yes, I know exactly what you're going through since I'm pretty sure your soon-to-be-ex and my ex are the same person! LOL I never thought I'd ever be someone's pawn, used and abused the way I was. Now that I'm free of that and back to myself, I know I'll never be back there.
You'll do it. I have faith in you. Feel free to message me anytime. I'll be your biggest cheerleader!!!!!!!!
~Mel
Greatly
Greatly appreciated!!!
Admitted (not into the puzzle factory) and will set things in motion.
On my way back!
Congratulations! You'll see.
Congratulations! You'll see. Once you're free - you'll never look back.
~Mel
Stepping: Thank you much for
Stepping:
Thank you much for your words. Unfortunately there are people like this in the world and yes, they do drag you down with them.
There has to be a technical term for that - I almost thought she was bipolar. One day she'd be telling me "I don't know what I'd do without you" and the next day she'd be telling me I was a worthless bum. What??? After all I do in this house?? I guess narcissism is a good word for it. Her parents drive her nuts for the same reasons and can't connect the dots. Always the victim, always passing the buck, always whining about something. Man, it's tiring.
She's so afraid of people not liking her - and guess what, people don't know what the real "she" is like cuz they don't live with her. She paints the picture like I'm always angry and abusive and to blame while she's just innocent of all this. Uhhh, no..not the case. Every action has a reaction and that's the reaction...after years of being nice and patient with no change in results, it is what it is. Just tired of being treated like a sidekick or nonexistent until she needs something. Yet she EXPECTS me to talk with her kids, discipline her kids, be there for everyone..except myself.
That's why this forum is a great thing for me - knowing there are people out there in the same situation. Definitely helps to talk.
Again, I appreciate your words - I've entered her world and it has brought me down to her level, something she's used to...well, that's not me..at all.
Wow, I just read this top to
Wow, I just read this top to bottom and, farmerted, you are a CATCH! You are supportive and loving and you are hurting because you regret your actions... the same actions you took to save your marriage.
You are a good person and you gave it everything you've got, including asking for counselling.
Now, be good to yourself and find a space and a place and people that make you feel happy and good about yourself
^^^^YES!!!!!!!! I agree
^^^^YES!!!!!!!! I agree 100%^^^^
And Red Wing, Thanks for
And Red Wing,
Thanks for being you!
This forum is awesome.
When you think you're alone...you really aren't!
Pook: Thanks for that. I've
Pook: Thanks for that. I've always believed I was a good person until all this happened.
Finding a place and space with good people around me is what I need. Yes, I feel for the skids, but it's my life and I don't owe them SHIT!
Now to work on it.
Thanks again
BTW, I also do windows and play guitar haha.