I feel so bad for DH :/
His kids left for TX on Monday. He hasn't been separated from them more than a week their entire lives. He is beside himself over not seeing them for the next 4 months.
I purchased some books and shared some ideas from here on how he can stay involved in their lives while they're away. One of the things I've read in several places is that well-thought out care packages can be really meaningful. Including items that are relevant to what the kids are doing, interested in, etc. can really go a long way (but not extravagant gifts or high dollar toys, etc). As well as pictures of people/animals in our home.
I figured DH would sit on this idea for a while and I would have to remind him to start getting some things together. Nope. Not at all.
I came home from work last night, and he had two very neat, organized stacks of school supplies .. all in their favorite characters and animals. He also purchased a book for each of them (two copies of each) so that he can read them stories on Skype (if BM allows) or on the phone .. this way they'll have a copy of the book in their hands so he won't NEED Skype.
He spent a total of about $25 on each kid; not too excessive, and it's all things they'll use, in school or at home for art projects. He also wrote each of them a note in a little card with some pictures.
I told him I was pretty impressed, and he said, with a tired, weary look in his eyes, "I just don't want them to think I'm not thinking about them". BM has yet to let him speak to them on the phone. Short of a text message letting him know they arrived safely, he has received no communications from them or her.
He's just so torn up and missing them. All this time I've known it would be hard for me .. and I KNEW DH would feel the pain when they actually left .. but I feel so inadequate when it comes to comforting him now.
That's awesome that he did
That's awesome that he did that for them, and a great idea on your part. Is she required by law to let him talk to them? If she's not, he might want to call the court or something, see what can be done. He needs to be able to connect with them too, if anything for his own peace of mind!
So sorry. I feel his pain.
So sorry. I feel his pain. My daughter lives with her dad in MI full time and I only get to see her a few times a year. When I send her back there or I leave there after visits, it tears me up for a long time...I just miss her so very much!
I hope he will eventually settle into a routine of while they're gone, to keep himself busy and not all-consumed with thoughts of missing them.
It does help to have an understanding and thoughtful spouse, to hold his hand, let him vent/cry/scream frustrations, etc. Just be there for him in any way you can. There likely won't be much comfort for him for a while, no matter how much you try. Don't feel bad, this is just his situation to deal with as best as he can.
~Mel
He's a cop. He doesn't
He's a cop. He doesn't vent/cry/scream frustrations at all. He's too much of a "man" LOL ..
But I know him better than that .. I know he's hurting .. he just deals with those things in his own way. He knows I'm here for him, and that's all I can really do at this point. It just sucks to feel so helpless.
I understand. I'm sure my DH
I understand. I'm sure my DH feels just the way you are now when my daughter leaves to go back to MI and I'm a mess. Sometimes, it just takes him being in the same room with me to make me feel ok, other times it doesn't matter what he does, nothing soothes me at all. It's just something that doesn't ever go away
I hope he isn't waiting on bm
I hope he isn't waiting on bm to call him. He should call her to talk to the girls.
Those care packages sound great. Also, in between care packages he can send little cards with a pack of stickers, or a book mark in it. The girls will be excited everyday to check the mail box. Those musical cards are always a huge hit in our house.
He calls everyday. The girls
He calls everyday. The girls are home with her mom everyday, all day, until school starts on Monday. I'm not sure why she won't answer the phone.
He is allowed to call between 6:00 and 6:15pm. If he calls out of that range, she won't let him talk. If he calls during that range and she's busy doing something else, she won't answer the phone and he can't call back again until the next day. Calling outside of that time frame or calling more than once constitutes harrassment (in her eyes) and she immediately flies off the handle.
Custody agreement only states she is required to provide "reasonable access". Since they've only been gone 2 days, his lawyer says there isn't enough "ground work" to prove she isn't doing that.
Will BM let the girls have
Will BM let the girls have the packages?
Sorry. I cannot imagine EVER being separated from my kids.
It certainly sucks ass SAF...
It certainly sucks ass SAF...
We're hoping. I think it
We're hoping. I think it eases his mind to send them, even if she won't give them to the girls. At least he can sleep at night knowing he's tried everything he can do to stay in contact with them.
The first time he gets to actually speak to them, he will tell them they're coming so it will be on BM to turn them over. The girls KNOW DH would never lie to them, so they will pester and hound until they get the packages. This of course, also creates wonderful opportunities to begin her PAS campaign too .. we're just hoping it won't go that route.
Hey, I don't know how old the
Hey, I don't know how old the kids are, but there are these cute books you can find online and at stores where you can record your voice...that might be something he can send to them. They are classic story books, etc. and he records his voice, so the kids can have it at their house...
We have some in our house.
We have some in our house. BM actually sent the girls to our home with them when she left for TX initially (they were with us full time for the summer). The girls had no interest in them at all. We even TRIED to get them to read them in place of us reading a story to them at bedtime, and they didn't want to.
They sat on the nightstand all summer, practically untouched. It's a nice thought though, I just don't want to spend the money on them knowing they'll show little to no interest.
Of all the crap BM sent them here with, the only things they really clung to were photos of them with her.
I'm suspecting that BM is
I'm suspecting that BM is going to disrupt his well laid plans of communicating. Unless she becomes surprisingly cooperative he should spend some of his free time working on a court order making things like "reasonable contact" clear and explicit.
Such as "each child may be called on a phone provided by the mother and spoken to for 15 minutes each day between the hours of ... and ...".
Any other ambiquities should be cleared up at the same time.
It's nice in theory, but the
It's nice in theory, but the kids are 4 and 6 .. it's extremely unlikely that they'd even want to talk on the phone that often. And due to schedules and time zones (she's in school in a different time zone, and he's a cop with a rotating schedule and lots of unexpected overtime), it would be more harmful than good to specify ANY time period, short of maybe between 8am and 8pm in the kid's time zone.
But I agree with you .. he does need to have that clarified in the custody order. But I don't think that would hinder his plans to continue trying to call, and sending care packages in the meantime.