Safe enough?
Hi. My bf and I got together a couple of months after his ex filed for divorce. I am not the cause of separation but the ex hates me. Her mission in life is to make my bf's life miserable. They have 2 adult kids and a 7yr old.
I helped my bf during the negotiations for their settlement agreement. Ive read a lot about the bitter psycho exes and their manipulative schemes even after the divorce. I was wondering if the ff in CO is enough to keep the ex away:
1. Child support can be increased only upon showing of change of circumstance in court.
2. Child care costs only for day care centers. (bm's mom live with her and baby sits the kid for free, we dont want her charging my ex for that)
3. Extra activities outside school involving additional expenses and affecting visitation shall be with bf's consent, if not, no splitting of costs.
4. If my bf cannot pick his daughter up on time, the ex shall not ask for explanation.
5. No contact in any form, whether direct, texts, email unless necessary and reasonable about the children. There is a restraining order with civil and criminal penalties.
6. The ex refused to waive spousal support but reserved jurisdiction to court. My ex is learning less than her now.
Will those help? Do exes usually really follow the CO? Im afraid of harrassment in the future.
The ex is very materialistic
The ex is very materialistic and has already low balled him in the financial part of the settlement. He agreed to get it over with. The ex is also a nosy b*!#ch and uses whatever she can against him. We didnt want her asking for explanation bec it really is none of her business why hes gonna be late. What is important is she is notified that he will be late right? In case he fails to give notice, the visitation for that day is forfeited.
And for the day care, my ex doesnt really care if its more expensive. Just as long as she doesnt get away with charging him when the grandmother has been babysitting for free. We dont even know it will really go to her. Besides she can charge him for extended hours and we wouldnt know. The child support is below the guidelines and is a fixed amount.
As of now, theres no issue.
As of now, theres no issue. But we think the ex will run back to court the minute she finds out that he's doing better. We dont have a problem about child support as long as the kid benefits and not the BM. My bf is certain that it wont go to his daughter.
As for spousal support, I
As for spousal support, I admit I have an issue about it. As of now there is no CO on that. But I dont think I can accept the idea of him giving the ex a cent to spend for herself. She can very well take care of herself and is earning more for now.
He's sometimes late to pick
He's sometimes late to pick her up always bec of work. His schedule changes everyday depending on workload assigned to him. If they can, his sisters pick up the kid. If they cant, the visitation is forfeited. He gives at least 4 hours notice in advance. I cant get her bec im not yet family since we're not yet married.
And child support is below
And child support is below the guidelines bec they agreed on that amount. My ex offered bec thats all he can afford for now, the ex accepted. But we know she will come running back for more. She wanted to put in the settlement that there is no need to show change of circumstance to increase. But we were adamant that only with change in circumstance.
He informs the ex that he
He informs the ex that he will be late in picking up his kid and tells her what time he can pick her up like an hour after. But the ex is so nosy and controlling she always need to know why and makes unnecessary comments. It was asked that she can not anymore ask for the reason for delay to limit her interference and harrassment. If she does, it is considered violation of the CO.
1. Child support can be
1. Child support can be increased only upon showing of change of circumstance in court.
You will never get this in a CO. It is incumbent upon the earner to report changes in earnings to the court or child support enforcement office. Asking for this will probably get the book thrown at your bf.
2. Child care costs only for day care centers. (bm's mom live with her and baby sits the kid for free, we dont want her charging my ex for that)
You will never get this in court, and to even ask for it would be viewed as petty and childish.
3. Extra activities outside school involving additional expenses and affecting visitation shall be with bf's consent, if not, no splitting of costs.
Hey, wouldn't you know, the first one that's reasonable.
4. If my bf cannot pick his daughter up on time, the ex shall not ask for explanation.
See response to #2 above. You bf is a big boy; if he doesn't want to answer the ex's questions, he doesn't have to. If he's having an issue with this, what he *does* need is to reach down into his underwear and dig around until he finds his balls. The phrase is "none of your business;" he can practice in front of a mirror if need be.
5. No contact in any form, whether direct, texts, email unless necessary and reasonable about the children. There is a restraining order with civil and criminal penalties.
Are you saying there is already an RO? If so, this isn't necessary. -OR- Are you saying that if she does try to talk to him at all about anything non-child related then her consequence is "a restraining order with civil and criminal penalties." If so, you're really going out of your way to make your ex look like a controlling asshole whack job in court, aren't you.
6. The ex refused to waive spousal support but reserved jurisdiction to court. My ex is learning less than her now.
So?
Woopsie, I messed one up. It
Woopsie, I messed one up. It should be that the OP is going out of her way to make her boyfriend look like a controlling asshold whackjob in court.
I was reading and just kept thinking to myself, jeesh, control issues much?!
Jeesh....rude much? People
Jeesh....rude much? People come here for support and advice. Not be be critized or torn apart.
I don't deny that it was
I don't deny that it was sound advice. The way it was presented is what bothered me.
So, it would have been more
So, it would have been more compasionate to allow her to proceed with this insane advice to her bf so that he walks into the court room, pisses the judge off, and looses on *every* point he's asking for? Sorry, but the OP sounds eerily similar to many of the BMs we have to deal with. On the other hand, the ex-wife sounds as if she's being more than reasonable and accomodating.
ExW agreed to CS below the guidlines - didn't have to do that
ExW allows family members other than the biofather to pick up child - doesn't have to do that.
Sorry, it seems as if ExW is being more than accomodating and only asking for a bit of an explaination in return. If biofather doesn't want to offer her one, that's on him, but her request for one is more than reasonable.
This one did. We think its
This one did. We think its bec she was approved for a loan on the house and she wanted him to sign the papers before the deadline given to her. We think shes just agreeing now to get his signature and then take hin right back to court soon after. Why is the only day care provision unreasonable? The ex is very materialistic. His older son just informed us that the ex is already thinking of offering to pay her mon for baby sitting when hasnt for years now. Its obvious its only bec she wanted my bf to pay. He'd rather pay a more expensive day care than be taken advantaged of.
As for the no communication thing, the ex has the habit of texting all her bitter drama about moving on and stuff. We just wanted to limit it to the kids bec it is close to harrassment. Why is that so controlling? If you guys know the ex, she youd probably understand why we need to cover everything. The ex will stoop so low as to using her kids to manipulate and get to him.
And for the no explanation when late stuff, he usually ignores it. Its just plain annoying and just wanted to rub it in her face that she cant do that anymore.
I understand the court will agree to what the parties agree on as long as it is within their rights. Their lawyers did not reject them so we assumed it is appropriate.
The loan is for the house coz
The loan is for the house coz she has low balled him and will be buying him out. She is desperate to get the house. She also got her full ira and all the other stuff. My bf practically got nothing. He just wanted a life free from her thats why he wants to make sure everything is covered in the future.
If I got a list like that,
If I got a list like that, I'd laugh in his face and say see you in court.
Just one statement you made
Just one statement you made gives me immediate pause. "The ex shall not ask for an explanation'.
So you think she should sit and wait and the kid should sit and wait and they aren't entitled to the smallest of courtesies? The type of courtesy we would extend to almost anyone else? The type of explanation you would provide if you were going to your hairdresser and you were late? "I'm sorry I've held you up, I was delayed at work today" or "I'm sorry I'm late, I really did try and get here on time but I have been running behind all day with work".
Such pettiness doesn't reflect well on you or your BF.
We never said we will not
We never said we will not give notice why he will be late. Just no further unnecessary questions. And he always tells the kid the reason just not the ex bec what he does is none of his business. Im involved bec im a lawyer but not into family law and my bf asked me to review the settlement agreement. I know whats reasonable in court and whats legal and whats not. I was simply asking if those were enough to keep shitty exes in line. I do not need opinion on what the court will say bec i think as a lawyer i know enough about it. Maybe if some of your present husbands covered more of their asses in the settlement, most of you probably wouldnt have as much trouble with overbearing manipulative exes.
Sorry, but if you think being
Sorry, but if you think being an attorney in any other field prepares you for family court, you're mistaken. It's a whole different ball of wax. Judges have *enormous* leeway in interpreting or even outright disregarding the laws as they are written. Everything in family court is done for the best interest of the child. Some of the things you have in your original post are things that other women on this board have in COs in their husbands' cases; however, it is always in reaction.
1. Child support can be increased only upon showing of change of circumstance in court.
It is in the child's best interest to have the full amount of support available from both parents. People who's COs have similar verbage to this are those who've been drug to court ever few months b/c they had the audacity to purchase a vehicle or take a vacation instead of giving in to BM's demands. After a judge sees the same case over and over again, he or she may than put in a mandatory time frame before action may be brought again for the same reason as a reaction to BM repeatedly consuming everyone's time for nothing.
2. Child care costs only for day care centers. (bm's mom live with her and baby sits the kid for free, we dont want her charging my ex for that).
BM could easily argue, and I could totally see the judge agreeing, that it is in the child's best interest to be sat at home with a relative with whom he is familiar than it is for him to be placed in the care of strangers with no vested interest. You can ask for, and the judge will probably agree to, an itemized list of expenses from the child care provider, but this will be quite simple for BM to produce.
3. Extra activities outside school involving additional expenses and affecting visitation shall be with bf's consent, if not, no splitting of costs.
Being able to spend adequate time with both parents in a constructive environment is in the best interest of the child; most any judge will agree with this one.
4. If my bf cannot pick his daughter up on time, the ex shall not ask for explanation.
It is in the best interest of the child if the biological parents are able to demonstrate an ability to work out their communication difficulties in a rational, mature way. Verbage like this would typically be able to be added to the CO if there is documentation of repeated harassment.
5. No contact in any form, whether direct, texts, email unless necessary and reasonable about the children. There is a restraining order with civil and criminal penalties.
See my response to #4 above.
I'm sorry if you don't like what I have to say, but pretty well anyone who's been through this can tell you the same thing. BIC trumps all in family law.
I wana thank you for your
I wana thank you for your reply. This is the first one that didnt sound judgemental. I dont claim to know much about family law thats why my bf has 2 other lawyers handling his case. Yes, we do have proof and documentation of all her interfering and harrassing messages. We wouldnt be asking for it if we didnt have any proof and not necessary. The ex almost always crosses the line unless put in her place.
As for the day care center cost, i appreciate your opinion on that matter. It was a stretch to ask but if the court allows it so much the better. If not, we will certainly ask for an itemized cost. My bf doesnt have a problem with supporting or spending for his child. He just wants that it directly benefit the child and not the mother. I didnt say anything here about how controlling and scheming the ex is and the things she's done to make it difficult for my ex. One instance, it is movie night with dad on her school. It is not my bf's visitation day. The ex refuses to let him go with the child unless he agrees to give up one of his days; the kid complains that her mom never buys her anything while she goes to vegas to party; she made a facebook account in the name of the little girl so she can stalk me and my bf... The grandmother isnt much of a good influence either. They use the child to get info on us. Stuff like bugging her if he signed the papers, asking her to lie for them...
In short we are just trying to protect ourselves from her intrusions.
Btw, we werent the one
Btw, we werent the one involving the kids. It was the ex! She wanted his son to let is know. And my ex told him exactly that not to use the kids to negotiate but to course whatever ahe has to say thru the lawyers. As for the day care center, i believe as the father he has a say on the child care. If hes willing to pay for day care center rather than the grandmother, i dont see a problem with that.
Also, the ex accepted all
Also, the ex accepted all these terms in their MSA. Their respective lawyers approved and presented it in court. I think those who dont know anything about the legalities should just keep their opinions to themselves. I was simply seeking for advice on whether it will help in keeping ex butting in our life. The ex is just the aggressor here. She has overstepped her boundaries and with these terms we are simply putting her in her place.
For the one sho said she sounds reasonable to accept child support lower than guidelines and pick up by family, she accepted these with plans on running back to court for a modification as soon as she gets the house solely in her name. And with day care cost, thats exactly what we were asking for. Receipt from a day care center.
Are you sure you're a
Are you sure you're a lawyer???? An MSA is a contract not enforcable unless/until a judgement is entered to it's effect. It's basically both parties saying they agree to those terms, but if one party changes their mind and theres not an actual order entered by the court, the MSA is worth about as much as the paper it's printed on. For something that's actually enforcable with contempt action, your boyfriend needs a Stipulated Judgement; without an SJ, BM has no need to go "running back to court for a modification as soon as she gets the house solely in her name" b/c an MSA isn't an action of the court.