"Our unborn will always be loved by both parents, my daughter can only be truely loved by me. So maybe we ought to give her full attention."

"Of course not, but he/she will have both of us, my daughter only has me."

Does his daughter not have a mother? I didn't read the entire thing, but why does his daughter "deserve" the parental love from 3 parents?

Have you guys tried marriage counseling - there was a great post today about a therpaist helping a dad see vactions differently in light of a having a blended family. Totally different topic I know - but, sometimes they canhelp both parties have a different perspective on what is going on.

Loving a new baby doesnt mean the older children are loved any less - if that was so traditional families would only have one kid and stop. Your husband has on blinders and is missing out on the love of his baby by beleiveing this way.

He is also creating another entitled shitty kid and trust me, there are enough crappy kids in the world that he doesnt need to add to the headcount.

Another guilty daddy, in the making here and I have some sad news for you, your baby will live in the shadow of guilt, of the older one. Get used to feeling like a single mom or just leave him. I KNOW when you are pregnant, you want to try so hard. BTDT

You are like; " Hello?! Can't you see this beautiful baby and woman beside you now that really want to love you and NOT just take you to the cleaners?" !

Please reconsider your position on counseling. If you've not tried it, you really can't knock it, right?

I really, truly believe it could help you both, but at the very least it could help you. Hell, frame it in the context of how good it would be for his daughter's sake if you two sought family counseling, if he thinks she's so damaged from the divorce.

If you think you are in a bad place now, which I don't blame you and do really feel sorry for your situation, you could be in a much worse, even dangerous place after the baby comes. Post partum depression can be very real. I personally suffered from it with both kids, but especially while going through something traumatic after the birth of my first.

Please, please see a counselor. They are not just for "crazy" people. They are trained professionals who are skilled at helping you organize and work through the tangle of feelings you have going on. They are skilled at helping you create life goals and executing plans, whether this turns out to be staying or leaving. A counselor could also be a safety net for you during the really hard times to come, especially post partum.

And, since I always like to throw this in, it couldn't hurt to read Stepmonster. Helps you understand the care and feeding of the Guilty Daddy.

In my honest opinion: I would start preparing my EXIT now while the baby is still comfy in your belly and you can lug him/her around as you prepare.
Being a single mother is NOT as bad as people make it sound. Is it hard? YES. Will living with a partner that treats you like sloppy seconds be easier? NOPE. Single motherhood will be easier.
You have a supportive family and are an independent woman who can probably be fine all by yourself. Find yourself a good man that will love you and your baby and don't stay stuck in that mess. You and your baby deserve better. Good luck.

Honestly, the above poster is right. At least when you are a single mom, you have the place to yourself and are not having to feed another mouth and try to make them happy.

Although not directly, my DH indirectly let me know the same originally. With that, I began to find as many books and articles I could about the importance of DADs vs. MOMs in a child's life. I also focused, he was a boy, on getting them things together at birthdays, etc. matching shirts, blah, blah, blah...everything to help him feel closer to the child. Although that sometimes worked, he still felt "bad" for his daughter...however, I once had a heart to heart with him and basically said..."ok, you know the importance of a dad in a kid's life...how it impacts them, etc...right?" he agreed...but still had the whole skid thing in his mind. With that I said "ok, so if you feel that you have messed up ONE kid by you not being there blah, blah, blah...WHY ON EARTH do you want to mess up a SECOND kid? Don't you think it would be best to be there in the SAME WAY for both of them and at least have the hope that ONE of your kids isn't as messed up as the first? Or would you rather have one messed up kid because of your divorce and another whose parents are not divorced, but that is messed up because daddy didn't care enough about them because he only tried to rescue the first?" After that, I think he got it. It didn't mean he couldn't be there for his first kid, but it did mean that he understood that there was only so much he could do for the first, but being with the second every day, there were things that he could do to really mess him up or help him succeed. He chose to be there for our son, treat him the same, do special things with him, etc. and ensure that he has the most awesome relationship with his son, instead of leaving him behind and only worrying about his daughter. Again, he still tried to be there for his daughter, but NOT at the expense of his son. He knew that there was only so much he could do for his daughter if he wasn't with her 24/7 and although he continued to try, he was able to let go of the guilt and to be there for our son just as he deserved as well.

Good luck.

Great advice!

There's a possibility that your husband truly doesn't realize that the way he's now chosen to proceed with the situation is not productive. I think it's pretty honest and evolved of him to admit he's been in denial--it's just what he's doing about it that is not appropriate. He just needs to take the next step and realize he has to let it go instead of trying to undo what has happened in the past. My DH harbors quite a bit of guilt from his previous divorce and for years he kept pushing me to treat SS9 like a wounded bird. I slowly and calmly started showing him book excerpts and advice from psychologists ("i know you want the best for SS9, so i got this book on blended families. It says something interesting...Can we try that because I think it would make me feel a lot better, too?") Over the course of about a year, it really opened his mind to the possibility that he might be overdoing it.

Does he have someone he trusts and listens to that you think is a reasonable, normal person?

For example, if my DH ever said anything so ridiculous, I'd call up his mom who would smack some sense in him. If his mom told him he was being stupid, he'd listen.

I think you should wait at least a week before making any decisions about your marriage. You are prego, you don't feel well, your hormones are changing, don't make any rash decisions right now. Wait, clear your head and make decision in a few days.

I second the person that recommends counseling.

Lord girl, I had a similar problem, except luckily I'm not pregnant. My BF of 3yrs (now ex as of yesterday) told me that his son's (14) feelings will ALWAYS come before mine, his son will always gets whatever he wants, and his son will always come first. I never asked for the son's needs to come second, I just hoped he considered me equally as important as his son. Before he said that his son and I were the most important things in his life, but I was not aware of this disclaimer. What he must have meant was that I was good enough to cook and pleasure him, but if his son said jump he would say how high. Ugh. I just had it and told him to walk. Now of course he's saying I misinterpreted what he said. You CAN'T misinterpret that mess!

He definitely has the guilty father syndrome. Why, I have no real clue. He met his ex-wife and I think within weeks they were married. As soon as they got married, BANG she was pregnant. As soon as the child was born she filed for divorce. He's told me he feels guilty because the son has no siblings, the son grew up w/o being in a normal household, etc. So therefore, whatever the brat wants, he will get. Once he even broke up with me because his son said he didn't want his father to have a GF.

In your case, especially when a child is involved, I would not stand for my husband to say the first born comes first. If that is allowed to happened, your child will grow up to know this and he/she will resent the father. In that case your husband probably won't care anyway, but it's not good for a kid.

Giving this guy a second chance is hard. He's already made his point clear.

First, I am not sure how your dh can say "OUr child will have two parents. SD will only have me so maybe we should just focus our attention on her". Those two statements contradict each other because what he is saying is your child will have YOU and his child will have HIM. So they both get screwed into having only one parent. He made a decision to put his daughter in that position and he is making the same position to put your child there. You didn't get to make that decision for either child.

Second, LOTS of kids only have one involved parent. Lots of kids deal with shitty situations. Some kids have no parents. Some kids have a parent that is dead. Some kids have two shitty parents who live together and cause their children an insurmountable amount of stress. Some kids have two shitty parents who live seperately and do the same thing. Some kids have one good parent and one shitty parent who puts them in the middle. Some kids are shoved from foster home to foster home. And some kids ahve parents who physically abuse them.

Your dh is giving his child an excuse for her lot in life. Life is hard. And it doesn't get easier as you grow up. It isn't his job to shield her, baby her, coddle her and make her feel like she is the only one who matters in life. It is his JOB to help her cope with her life as it is - not create a life to make up for the life he thinks she should have. She got dealt a mediocre hand in life. Certianly not the worst hand she could have drawn, but not a Royal Flush either. Getting through that - rather than having it "made up to her" is what builds character and prepares her for all the other ugly stuff that comes down the road.

Rather than doing that for her, he is handicapping her. He is ensuring she has no normal relationships for the rest of her life because he wants her to be happy RIGHT NOW. It is insidious. And now he is going to put another child in that position because he doesn't want to own up to his first mistake. How incredibly selfish of him. He isn't putting SD at the center of his world for HER, he is doing it for HIM, to assuage HIS guilt, to make HIMSELF feel better. As a parent it is his job to prepare his child for the world. He is failing miserably.

I would say go. It sounds to me like his daughter has ruined him and any potential relationship he ever tries to have. They are not worth your time, Honey. This is why stepmoms are usually resentful.

((((( hugs )))))

How far along are you??? Just playing devils advocate butaybe he is just having cold feet and is so unsure of himself as a father right now because of his guilt over sd maybe he just hasn't formed that bond with your baby yet maybe he won't I don't know but do you think that once he sees that baby his tune will change????

To make a point you might ask him if you copied his ex to the point where he divorced you would he give equal attention to your kid?

This situation is not ideal but millions of children have worse fathers and turn out just fine. Frankly its just the excuse you need to disengague from his kid. Not out of petty revenge its just so you can concentrate on your kid plus I suspect disengaging will be better than acting out your feelings about his first kid that are sure to come when you watch him giving her the attention you want your kid to have.

Better to have a distracted Daddy around than no Daddy at all and I have zero doubt that that is exactly what your kid would say if she were here now. When she asks, as she surely will, why Daddy gives more attention simply tell the truth in age appropriate language. Don't complain, don't enlarge, just the truth. If she says she doesn't understand say you don't either and perhaps she should ask him.

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Hi, I know its being a while since your post. I would like to know what happened? did you get divorced? I was going thru the same situation at the same time, except his daughter lives with her mother but I continued the relationship, we now have 2 daughters together and it has being very difficult