Pregnant wife wants some advice regarding my marriage. What should I do
I am start off by saying I don't hate my step daughter. As a matter of fact, I have done my very best to care for her. I am fully aware of the fact that I have married a man who endured the pain of previous failed marriage. As a result, he has to take care of his responsibility of raising his child (A seven year old good kid). My issue is not the kid.
Having been said that, by no means am I suggesting this marriage is perfect. First of all, I care about my stepdaughter, but I don't love her. Occasionally, she can be very spoiled, entitled, demanding, and rude, but I suppose that is what all seven year olds do. My husband can be VERY insensitive towards my feelings.
For example, I asked him to discipline his child, his response, "If you dont want to bother to discipline her, you really don't have to." I told him I understand your daughter did not ask for a divorce, but I was trying my very best, his response, "I am sure she doesnt want your sympathy, she is a happy kid."
Yesterday, I accidentally glanced over at my husband's computer screen, I found out he has been asking questions on a advice site, the topic is, "How do I help my wife to get along with my daughter?"
There are so many women responded, "If she is not willing to accept your child, dump her, you deserve better."
I cried myself to sleep last night, I was devastated. I was frustrated that my husband could not trust me enough to communicate with me, he has to ask total strangers online regarding our marital problems.
Secondly, I don't understand why people refuse to give stepmothers some credit. I washed her hair, I helped her bathe, I cook for her, I am always by her bedside when she is sick. What else can I possibly do? I guarantee you if many of THOSE women were put in my situation, they would be a much lousier job, yet, I feel I am constantly being judged by people who don't even know me.
I love my husband with all my heart, I understand he has the urges to improve our marriage. But my love for him really was out of the window yesterday. I am thining about divorce.
I am 3 months pregnant, and I have nowhere else to go except my parents' house. I feel my unborn child and I have not received any attention we deserved from my husband. It has always been his daughter.
Do you have any advices for me? Thank you
I agree with "hatemydad". She
I agree with "hatemydad". She has a mother and a father...yeah it sucks that her parents got divorced but unfortunately that is a reality of life, it is better she get used to it and deal with it NOW. It is THEIR responsibility to take care of her and do what parents do for THEIR children. You married HIM you are HIS WIFE...NOT her mother or father. That child is THEIR responsibility, anything you do/dont do for that child should ALWAYS be your CHOICE!!!
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from.
Maybe I should make myself a bit more clear.
I have NEVER asked any advices from strangers from internet I always tried to communicate with HIM first, but he never tried to communicate with me first. NEVER. Not even once.
So yeah, if he decided to ask strangers advices, I am going to do the same. Got it?
Secondly,
The only attention an unborn child deserve is from his mother? wow, are you joking?
He has never asked me, "how are you feeling today?" Not even once, it is always, "How's my little princess is doing today?"
I am carrying HIS child, don't you think he ought to show us a little bit of attention?
Yes, I agree with you that I have not made myself a bit more clear, but if he believes,
A. It is my child, YOU don't need to discipline her.
B. You don't need to give her any sympthy, she is a happy kid.
Then, why bother to ask strangers
"Please let me know how do I help my kid to get along with my wife?"
I am not criticizing him, I am only seeking advices. That is ALL. GEE
Thank you
Thank you intactivistmama
That is all I need to know. It is perfectly resonable for him to give his little girl attention. I like that kid. But it bothers me that his attention is all given to her right now.
For example, when he got home from work, the FIRST thing he would do is asking his daughter, "HOw's my little princess is doing?"
If he could have asked me "How's my honey is doing and my baby?" (my baby= my unborn child) I would be so happy. But no, he has never done it once.
Not yet. I feel if I flatout
Not yet. I feel if I flatout telling him that, the "concerns" and "kindness" I force out of him would not be genuine.
I really wonder if he ever wants a second child. He claims he loves me, and was excited when I told him I was pregnant. But he also told me, "I have been a father before, this is not new to me." What the heck does that mean?!
What does him having a
What does him having a license or not have to do with the advice he gives?
It is a sign of emotional
It is a sign of emotional unavailability. He is not emotionally available to you. You cannot fix that. He needs to work on that but only if he understands and realizes it himself.
Has he processed his past? A lot of men who have not completely made peace with their past are emotionally unavailable.
You can try to ask him how you can be understanding and start a loving conversation to see what are his thoughts and feelings.
If you can afford a therapist - go to a good one and explain the situation. I went to two sessions and it was very very helpful.
I used to have a very good
I used to have a very good job. But since my husband has sole custody of his child, we figured it is probably better for me to stay at home. Especially now that I am pregnant, I don't mind quitting my job at all.
Yes, we can afford counseling, but my husband believes only women believe counseling helps. He claims he loves me with all his heart and that is all that matters. He doesn't need a person who doesn't even know him to "armchair" diagnose him or judge our relationship. Yet, he has no problems getting online seeking advices and help from "other" people who know-it-all. :jawdrop:
He absolutely hates his ex wife, but his ex wife and I used to work at the same company. We are very civil with each other. According to her, (again, I was not there, so I could only take her words for it), my husband was very stubborn and never took no for an answer.
He is a very responsible man, but he is not the "romantic" type. I used to tell him to be a bit affectionate and romantic, he was okay for a while (a week), then went back to his old self.
It is always "Either my way, or no way." ALso, he doesn't take criticism well at all.
I am so frustrated. I am so afraid that one day, I'd resend my stepkid, I know it is not her fault, but I am getting to a point where I want to tell my husband,
" Does my baby, our baby mean ANYTHING to you? "
I just hate the situation I am in right now. Have no ideas how to communicate with him at all.
That is a great advice. Thank
That is a great advice. Thank you !
I will try. But I was so sad and angry at those answers that he received from strangers who don't even know me. I took it personally. I shouldn't have, but I can't help it.
And his question is only one line, "How do I help my wife getting along with my child?"
No details, no nothing. Of course people are going to pass judgment based upon their own biased opinions.
As far as getting along is concerned, stepdaughter gets along with me great. She follows me around, sing me birthday song, we made art projects together and I am the one going to her school meetings, NOT my husband.
I will try what you have suggested, and see what happens. Thanks
Where is the "like" button?!
Where is the "like" button?!
I'm still looking for the
I'm still looking for the "head:desk" button . . .
I agree with everything you
I agree with everything you have said in this thread Echo. You make very valid points.
I like Turtle's suggestion.
I like Turtle's suggestion. After all, it's the DH that started to take this problem to the internet and he won't talk to the wife. Maybe this would be a way to communicate with him.
For all you "holier than thou" folks, if everything was SO great in your world, you wouldn't be here. I guess we aren't as blessed with a "rock solid" situation as you are. Some of us are trying anything we can to get by and if it requires "game playing", then we do what we must. Must be nice to live a perfect marriage and preach to the rest of the world.
You can still go to a good
You can still go to a good therapist by yourself .Just for your own sake. I know what you mean by he is stubborn and does not believe in counseling.Been there and had to leave my ex but there was no child involved or marriage at stake. I am so thankful for that!
You have to ask him how you can be more loving and understanding to him and open the dialogue. Based on a loving conversation you will be able to understand where he comes from.If he is defensive, stubborn and starts blaming you then you will be able to know where you stand. Be forgiving no matter what he says because he does not know what he is doing and saying.
When I say processed his past I donot mean his ex - wife. I mean the feelings, emotions and thoughts associated with the dissolution of the marriage. Some men are never able to get over the guilt . 10 , 20 , 30 years down the road and it damages their current spouses and cripples their children and the family unit.
Yes, I am sure that you and the baby mean a lot to him but he is unable emotionally to show that to you and probably also does not understand himself well to know what he is doing. That is why you need to be forgiving for he does not understand what he is saying or doing.He is not whole/complete in himself and is unable to emotionally be available and whole for you. Love is constant giving and receiving. When that balance is tilted usually we as women feel that on emotional level as intuition.
You need to find a good therapist and go for your own self so that you can find your inner peace.
Three things 1). Tell him
Three things
1). Tell him you need him to say those things to you when he comes home. Tell him how important it is to you, that he vocalizes those feelings of care and concern to you. How important it is to YOU! Men are not always the best at knowing what women want and how to make them happy. And if he won't do it, or makes it a big ordeal, then sounds to me like you may have bigger relationship issues.
2). Look back over the responces that you've gotten on this post. They are very different. So he may have gotten one who told him "Dump her like a ton of Bricks!" People told me "These are red flags, Run as fast as you can!" But here I am, happily married to my DH. Take everything people say with a grain of salt.
3). Remember what he asked- "How do I help my wife getting along with my child?"
Now this seems silly to you because you obviously do get along with her quite well most of the time. But you did tell him to discipline his child... and he'd probably rather just let her do whatever she wants because it's easier....so he searched, "How do I help my wife getting along with my child?" My guess,, he was probably bored, or maybe he's feeling nervous about the baby coming, and his child feeling displaced. Who knows. I would talk to him. Let him know that you love him, like his kid, and are excited about the baby. Let him know you need him to be a little excited with you too.
What the question implies is
What the question implies is that it is the responsibility of his wife to get along with his child.This infers that the child comes before the parental unit and puts the child in the center of the marriage and adult partnership.The child becomes the steering wheel of the ship so to speak.Any time his daughter is upset- that will steer the ship in the direction in which his daughter feels at that particular time.Without proper discipline from the husband the ship in open sees and in storms is left without direction and its captain , i.e the husband.
In this case the husband externalizes the argument by indirectly seeking validation for his inability to parent(direct the ship) to his wife. She becomes the scapegoat for any bad behavior that his daughter exhibits.It only shows that he is emotionally unavailable to his wife and he will readily shift the blame(give her the captain`s hat) to her indirectly.Rather the question he should be asking is: How can I parent my daughter so that I can create a loving and caring family for my new born and my wife? This implies that everybody will benefit in a harmonious way and the ship will sail smoothly in storms and open sees.If the husband reaches that awareness and sees how that can benefit his daughter, i.e will show her how women should be treated so that she finds a loving husband one day that treats her respectfully and adores her.
One common theme of all posts is that it will be a good idea to start a loving and caring dialogue about how the wife and husband feel.It should be based on mutual love , care and balanced dialogue.
Hi again, everybody. I have
Hi again, everybody.
I have been away from this computer for a while and I haven't gotten the time to read all the responses. But I am glad that I have found this site. It has been really helpful.
I will have a heart to heart talk with my husband and go from there.
Yes, like one lady pointed out, there were good reasons why I married him, I guess I have forgotten those.
Thank you again! A big hugs for everybody.
Sarah