I have no experience with this, so please take my opinion or leave it. The stepmom is making a really big effort to be a good stepmom; she's overstepping boundaries and she may or may not know that, but maybe you could use the fact that she seems to want to play a large parenting role. I think if you could make her see you as a partner in raising your kids rather than as ... whatever it is that she sees you as now, that things would begin falling into place. Or at the very least you may be able to communicate to her where your boundaries are better in the context of friendship than in the context of my husband's ex wife. If you all are adversaries it will be ugly, if you can manage some kind of relationship, maybe it wont be. As far as the undermining you, she doesn't have the legal right to his educational and medical records. You can take legal action to enforce that. She can however go to extracurricular activities.

I agree she is over stepping big time here. I am a mom and a step mom have been for over 8 years and never would i have done those things. Nor would I have talked to my dh's ex about their kids. I talk to my dh and he talks to me about his kids but he is the one that goes to his ex and they talk it. But i never get in their talks. I don't think she has any rights to call the drs o0r the school so i would be talking to them to make sure they know she has no rights.

I first want to say that it is refreshing to hear you say as a BM that you want to get along with the SM. I have two BM's that are in my life. They are two very different people. BM#1 and I get along fantastic. We do things together, invite her to our home when her children are visiting for holidays etc. BM#2 in a nightmare. When she was wife #2 she didn't get along with her skids or their BM and she certainly doesn't get along with me.

I read a book "No ones the Bitch" it is written by two women who are BM and SM. They share their thoughts of when they met, the fears from both sides etc. A very excellent read.

In my opinion, I think there are two different situations in what your describing.

SM is overstepping her boundaries in your children's education and medical care. That is something between the childs parents. SM can give her opinion of these things thru the BF, but it is up to him to speak with you and the two of you can decide what is best. This requires for both parents to have an objective view of SM's opinion and not to react on emotions to her thoughts.

As far as SM attending activities, I don't think she overstepping. I think it's great for kids to know that all the adults in a childs life take an interest.

There are times when I've attended sports events and neither of their parents were there. In my situation, BM doesn't work, I work but have very flexible hours and BF runs a business. I feel it's about supporting the child.

I should also tell you I am a BM too. I would be offended if another woman was taking over my role as co decision maker with BF. My ex's girlfriend is involved in my children's lives (they are adults now). My thought is if she is kind to them, can be there as another adult/ friend for them to talk to, I'm good with that. There are times when they have come to me to complain about her. I simply to tell them that they need to cut her some slack, she isn't perfect and she's trying to feel her way thru this "blended family" situation.

I would take the advice of the other responders and look into this legally about the education and medical decisions. Your ex needs to step up to the plate and parent with you.

Good luck, hang in there!

Different story in our case, DH got legal custody after SKids were abandoned by their mother. I was stay at home SM so I was doing the school stuff and doctor visits etc. The judge gave me legal custody too, so that I could take care of these issues.
I certainly would be upset if someone I did not know was making decisions for my child too.
Why did communication cease between you and their dad?
Do your kids have medical, or scholastic, issues that really need to be urgently addressed? In an emergency I really would be thankful that someone came to my kids' aid.
I do believe that you should set boundaries, all of you. I had to set my own boundaries as a SM, and BM had to really get out of my way!
If the courts become involved it might mean closer scrutiny on everyone. How involved were you at school or doctor's office, what are the issues? Were you remiss in any way, shape or form that they could haul your ass over the coals? (I have to ask!) Too many considerations here. Their dad should be dealing with these issues and if he consented, in writing, for his wife to have authority I am not sure how that would fly?

She is overstepping and needs to be stopped. She can have input on some things, but she is way out of line. I would call her out on this stuff. At the very least you need to have the conversation with your EX with a mediator involved if he can not talk to you.

Maybe, if you feel comfortable with this, you might try to meet one-on-one with the SM first before getting lawyers involved.

I say this because it could be that her intentions are good. You need to figure out if she is just a control freak or doesn't realize the boundaries she is crossing. Depending on how the meeting goes and what you feel is her true intent, then you can decide whether or not to get the lawyers involved.

I do not think she should be changing educational plans or contacting the pediatrician. But volunteering and attending events doesn't seem out of line. As far as making an appointment with a counselor, I have made an appointment with the eye doctor for my SD. This was not with any sort of malice towards BM but just because she needed the appointment and I am the one in our household that does those types of things.

I was a BM for 10 years before I became a SM. As I never had any experience in being a SM before, I am sure that I crossed all SORTS of boundaries. Because I treated those skids the same way I treated my own. But it wasn't out of malicious intent, it was me just being a "mom".

All I know is that once we got the lawyers/courts involved (our BM wouldn't give regular visitation), it became an all out WAR with a LOT of PASing from the BM to the skids.

SMOM has overstepped, but please do NOT blame her vs your EX. He has allowed it and honestly, more than likely agrees with her vs. you.

I have seen here where BMs do not agree with an educational plan for the kids, doctors, etc...because mom doesn't believe there is anything wrong with the child, ie. autism, adhd, etc...not sure if you have any of those issues. However, when this happens, although I believe it is YOUR right to decide what to do, you also have to remember that YOUR decisions in regards to this impact their household as well. I think that you need to sit down with ex and SMOM and discuss the educational/medical issues that we are not privy to here...because again, although I would whack an SMOM that believes my son needs medication because the doctor says so (I do NOT agree with it), at the same time, I can see the other side of having to "put up with certain things" because the other parent doesn't believe there is anything wrong with their "baby"...

Good luck.

PS - at least be happy that she actually cares about your child...I tried to get involved when the ex had her daughter in a bilingual program at school, although the daughter was BORN in the US...only because MOM decided it was easier for HER to communicate with teachers in HER native language vs. having to communicate with teachers in English. I spoke with quite a few billingual education teachers in the area and ALL stated that the MOTHER was doing a huge disservice to her child...mom of course, told DH and I to butt out...fast forward 10yrs and kid is 17 and in 9th grade...but mom at least got to "talk to her teachers in her native language" lol

PS - if you and your ex agreed about things, maybe you wouldn't be divorced...many marriages fail because parents have different parenting styles and then once they divorce the person with custody or even shared custody, expects the other to agree with their decisions...hmmm...which then of course gets blamed on the new SMOM since the ex found someone who thinks like they do...

This should be addressed with your XH. SM is overstepping and XH is allowing it. As a SM, I cannot imagine ever doing these things. Crazy. If XH doesn't get it stopped, have your attorney send a cease and desist letter.

Plan and Simple...Frequently husbands deligate to wives. If she's new to marriage and the whole step-parenting things she's could very well just be trying to help her husband by doing things they have discussed with no knowledge that this is a problem for you. My husband has a job that doesn't allow him to make personal calls while at work so he frequently tries to deligate these types of things to me...I will do them...but only after I know he and psycho BM have discussed them.

You should have a serious talk with you Ex as she is more likely than not just doing his bidding and if that's not the case then this could be easily squashed by him have a simple conversation with this new wife.

My personal experience involves the medical care of my skids. I worked in the medical field helping in the treatment of pediatrics at a children's hospital. In addition to raising my three children two of them with learning disabilities and medical needs.

When I came into my skids lives I noticed things about them medically. My DH would mention these things to BM and she would fluff them off and say there was nothing wrong.

Then I encouraged my DH to become involved in their medical and educational care because I felt BM was lying to BF.

One of the skids has really bad reflux disease and BM fought with BF saying that he must be getting sick at your house with all the "stress there". Finally, BF pushed BM to the point that he said the child was going to the pedi. The pedi diagnosed him with reflux disease and wanted to give meds to him. BM out right REFUSED the treatment. So then the pedi had them do charts etc. BM lied on the charts too. The pedi spoke with the child outside the office and got the truth from him...that BF's chart was correct (the child charted ALL the days for the 3 months. BM charts showed absolutely NO issues)

The child was prescribed the meds. BM REFUSED to give the meds to the child. BM didn't give a rats ass that her child was vomiting, burning stomach and throat...it was all about her being the BM and SM is NOT the mom. BM tried to have me "HIPPA'd" from the children's medical charts, but that did not work because BF had medical rights too.

Our last court appearance...BM lost all medical decision making because according to the Judge "BM was laxed in responding to her children's medical needs"

BF has all final medical decision making and because he works, he can't make all the appointments. We or I schedule all medical appts on the days we have them. BF trusts me enough to know what questions to asks and that I want the best for his children. I take them to their appts, he faxes his permission to them for me to take them and the CO is in everyone of their charts.

This last go around with one of them breaking their leg...the child asked me to take care of it...in his own words"Mom isn't gonna take care of it, you better take me"

BM fought us before the last court appearance because she felt her child was fine and only had ADHD. The Judge ordered testing for him...he has aspergers syndrome. BM denies that there is a problem still.

I just think some of the posters opened my mind to the fact that maybe SM has some experience in medical and educational issues and may have the best intentions for the skid.

There are two sides to every story, thank you for opening my mind to that fact. Being a SM and having my experience have only helped my skids and isn't that who we need to take care of?

On one hand I see the OP's issue with an appearantly overbearing and meddling SM.

On the other, and as a custodial StepDad who went to every Doc apt, every parent teacher conference, football, soccer, baseball game, band concerts, karate lesson and swim meet, paid for a top 20 boarding school for my Skid, etc...... I tend to side with the engaged SParent.

So, get your CO and supporting PPW together, invoke some HIPPA complaints against the Docs office for sharing med info on your kids with SM, make sure that you attend the PT conferences and school activities and file a complaint with the district to limit SMs access to your kid's school activities.

My situation is a bit different than yours. I am the CSP who raised my SS with his mom full time in our home far from SpermLand where the SpermIdiot and SpermClan reside. They never had any interest in my Skid or his real life. They used visitation as a way to get to my wife but for the most part had and still have no use for my Skid.

I am a SM and a BM. If my ex's GF called my kids school and changed their educational plans, called doctors re: treatments, etc, I would be absolutely livid. There is a difference between being involved and taking over. And I would also let the schools, doctors, etc know that I don't care what the hell kind of release my ex signed, if they release information to anyone other than my kids bio parents, I will sue them. You'd be surprised how afraid of privacy laws organizations really are.

Now, as a SM, I have never done anything like that. I even skipped school functions when I thought it would upset BM. Their her kids, not mine. This SM needs to be put in her place.

I think it is a good thing that SM is trying so hard to be involved in your kid’s life, however I see why you are upset. I am engaged to a man with a 4 year old daughter. BM is a nightmare who does nothing for the child so we are in different situations, but as a soon to be SM, I would never get involved in the child’s education/medical decisions unless it were some type of emergency. I don’t even speak to the BM; I let my fiancé deal with that because it is his responsibility, not mine. I am pretty sure that if your kid’s father gave permission to the doctors and schools to speak to SM though that it is not a legal issue. He is the parent too. I do not disagree with you about her overstepping; I just don’t think it is a legal issue. Since you said you speak to SM regularly, have you tried just asking her to take a step back and let you handle the educational/medical issues? I do think it is ok for her to be involved with the extracurricular activities though. Best of luck to you!

Is everyone forgetting that these people all have the same goal? They all care for the child, all are adults and if there wasn't the messiness of emotions and ego's involved then you'd all be able to sit down and have a civilised chat about what each of you could do to improve the child's life. Make boundries with one another if you must but realise this isn't about you! Its about the emotional wellbeing of the 10 year old child who just wants people to love and accept him.
Women out there, we are all doing what we think is best and dont know any different till we are told gently how is makes another person feel.
Men out there, I understand you just want to keep the peace. Don't pick a side, be the diplomat or the counsellor. let both parties talk to you and find a middle ground.
Please don't forget, the more emotionally unstable you are the less stable your child will be. Set an example and don't waste money to make yourself feel better, because after it all what have you really achieved?

Im new to this forum and im sorry but not familiar With the acronyms. I also know its an older post but if anyone else is going through this then hope i can help. I'm a stepmom and a mom. We have custody of my husbands son since he was 3. He is now 13. I have been the one to register him for school and set up dr appointments. However he lives with us. If he was living with his mom then I wouldn't have done these things for him. I taught him how to read and write. I went to all of his school activities - she went to a couple. If it is bothering you then you need to let them know. I think you should document everything but I would not get lawyers involved unless she doesn't back off. But I think everyone should be given a chance to fix the problem. If u bring lawyers into it from the start it will always be difficult to talk about simple matters. Lawyers will always have to be consulted for everything. But if you 3 can talk together about expectations then maybe it will be easier to communicate the little things. I say try it first. Worse case scenario she doesn't listen and then you get legal. But at least u know u tried.

I see both sides here.

When my skids were younger I volunteered in their school classrooms, regardless of the day. I had the time and was available, the classrooms needed a parent volunteer and I was happy to do so. The BM has always hated me but didn't say anything and seemed not to have a problem.

I've taken my skids to the doctor before and also the dentist. I have tried to communicate with the BM about those things but she again tried to ruin my life any time I attempted communication and so I stopped.

I've cared for my skids many times on my own with my DH's permission (and BM's - she didn't pay any attention to that because she was unable to care for them due to her work life which was almost all the time, so it suited her).

I've talked to the teachers before as I was a volunteer in the classroom. I've signed permission forms because DH was not home and BM had forgotten to look at their agendas and the trip or whatever was going on, pizza day $, etc was happening the next day. She has never objected, rather just ignored it all. But yet again, not taken the initiative to do anything herself.

I think being involved is great for a stepmom, if she wants to be involved and if that is okay in her particular situation.

Now...the other side. I do not think it's okay to demand changes to school schedules or educational plans or consult doctors as a stepmom. That is the biofather's responsibility and I really don't understand what could be happening here. I wonder, just for a moment, if the biofather has delegated all of these things to the stepmom and she feels she has to do these things based on his instruction. It's very easy to label a stepmom 'Evil', when in reality the explanation could be something completely different.

I don't think she should be doing these things, and yes feel it is out of line. I would not want those things done to my children.

I also don't think it's right to do any sort of 'legal' action without using your voices first. Use the phone, call and say 'look, I want to know how we can have a working relationship' - or something along those lines.

I think anything about 'certified mail, mediation, court, threats' is really not a good way to parent. It's also not how to handle things professionally - in the workplace, if you have a problem, you confront the person, not threaten legal action. Try to find a diplomatic way of resolving things and it will go far with the children involved, and the adults - who likely are being painted as evil when it's hardly ever the case.

Blessings.

For a second I thought you were my Husband's ex-wife, but she is not the Primary Custodian, my husband is and has been for last 4 years. So from the step-mother's point of view.

There are many times I have to fill in for my husband. I do not initiate the issues on my own, most of the time they are things my husband asks me to do. Does his ex-wife and the boys BM hate it, yes, yes she does. Here is my issue. I don't know anything about your situation other than what you write here. In my situation my husband is the Custodial Parent, he does not get a dime of child support she complained about help the boys with homework and goes out of her way to make me nuts. She claims she is a stay at home mom, but she only has kids EOW. She has not worked a job for more than 2 months in the last year, and tells the boys real women don't work. We do not encourage her to take care of doctor appointments because she never pays the co-pays which we find out about after the bill goes to collections. We have no issue with her being the mom and holding that special place in the hearts of the boys, but whenever she gets involved with doctors it turns into a huge mess. Once when the youngest had tonsilitis she went around telling our family friends that he had cancer.

I am not saying you are like this woman, I am just saying your ex could be letting her do these things for some reason, and then throwing her under the bus and claiming he had no knowledge of what she was doing to keep from arguing with you.

I personally think you need to step back and think about what is best for your child. I think I would be thrilled that your ex husband found someone that wants to involve themselves with your child. She is honestly trying. Maybe she thinks she is helping? Some people aren't real smooth when it comes to split families, and we as mothers are very protective! We sometimes need to take a breath and step back, is she harming your child? Is she mean to your child? Is this affecting your child negatively in anyway? If all those are a no then maybe momma bear has come out and needs to take a long winter nap? Speaking from experience, I wouln't start a fire with her yet, it will make everything WAY miserable for you and everyone involved. I would talk to her, invite her to coffee or something and discuss it with her, sounds to me that she is very eager to accept your son and I would use that positively. The more support a child has in their life the better off they will be...it doesn't have to be just their parents. There is a few things you mentioned that would upset any good fit mother, but I wouldn't jump the gun. Maybe she really has good intentions. And if this relationship goes south with her and your ex husband who knows what's next! If you can't find it in heart for your sons sake, to try and be her friend you two will go so much further and your son will learn so much from the both of you. TRUST ME, breath, rationalize, and don't jump to suddenly.

Oh boy did this ever get everyones goats, let's try the keep it simple stupid plan....if she's a new step mom and not a bio mom she is WAY out of her league and life education and prolly just trying to establish as good relationship with her stepchild without any meaningfull Ill intention.. Try a simple conversation first. Keep it down to earth and casual. Don't make it an issue unless it becomes one. But don't make it one if it could be avoided, good luck!

Seeing as how I am the women you are talking about well not literally...LOL...all that I can say is in your case. I somewhat disagree with her doing so much when you and him had an arrangement that worked for the two of you. I am with a guy who had some what the same situation but we now have the kids during the school year so now I do everything for them. But I never stepped on their BM's toes when they had 50/50. I mean she didnt like the fact that I would go to open house or to teacher parent conferences but seeing as how I help them with their homework sometimes and they asked me to come to open house so that I could see their work and pictures at school. I didnt think it would be that big of a deal. but I NEVER got involved with anything medical, calling up to the school, nothing like that. If at all try and sit down with them and talk it out. If not then big the big protective mama bear that comes naturally and demand that things stay they way they are. She is not their biological mother and doesnt have any right to step out of her boundaries.

this coming from a stepmom!!!