Need some Advice
So... here is my story. I'm really struggling with this issue and I'm not even really sure how to handle it.
I met my girlfriend when she was 7 months pregant with a little boy, we completely hit it off and I knew what I was getting into when I started dating her. Well.. at the time she was pregant the guy she thought was the father of her child had absolutely zero involvement. He didn't seem interested and was nowhere near in the picture. I fill in the role of father for the kid, love him, help with him, change his diapers, and I start to really grow to love the little guy like a real biological parent would.
Skip forward to about a year.. the original guy who my girlfriend thought was the dad was not the dad. It's some other guy.. and this is all very Jerry Springer. But now the real father of the baby is involved in his life. He's stepped up, I've met him, and he's actually a pretty good guy. He's incredibly insistant that everybody know he is the father, he wants to be called dad. We(my girlfriend and I) tiptoe around the issue, but she's called me the baby's dad since day 1.
I'm completely torn apart. I don't know how to feel.. I feel pushed aside.. like I don't matter. I was with the baby his entire first year of life with everything, and now this new guy is in the baby's life and seems to want me out of it, and doesn't seem to respect that I was there and have grown really attached to the child.
I feel like something was ripped away from me. My girlfriend just doesn't understand the situtation.. she is incredibly happy the biological dad is in his life. I mean.. I am happy too for the kid's sake, but I am really struggling emotionally with the role that was taken from me. It would all just be easier if the real dad was a real asshole or jerk.. but he's not.
Anybody else have a situtation like this? Where the missing parent comes back.. and then kind of pushes you out of the way? How did you handle it? Any advice or suggestions would be helpful.
I am sorry you must feel as
I am sorry you must feel as though you have lost your own child.
As far as the BF wanting to be called dad, well that's not really unfair is it, especially as you say he is a good guy. Clearly if she was naming someone else as the father then the real father had no idea as it appears if he did he would have been there the entire time.
So for the sake of the little boy it is great he has a caring father who wants to be in his life.
Now, YOU if the child has been calling you dad all this time, then maybe that could remain so, or if this upsets BF them maybe you could be daddy Paul or Fred or whatever until the child is older and then see how it works out.
However it is time to stop tippie towing around the issue and have a real heart to heart with your girlfriend about this. You have an absolute right to know where you stand now in her opinion. You have invested a year of your life taking care of her and the baby, if she is having second thoughts, or is pushing you aside, then you need to sort this out before you waste 2 years or 20 years of your life.
Again, I am sorry you have been so hurt here. Your girlfriend was very irresponsible and her irresponsibility has caused you and the BF a lot of pain, the BF has lost a year of his child's life, and you have lost a year of yours, she seems to have got away scot free. So, you need to tell her how much you are hurting, chances are because she's not, she doesn't think anyone is. You need to sort it out now, and if she doesn't want to, well there's your answer. If she cared about you, she would sort this out with you NOW.
For you Im so sorry this has
For you Im so sorry this has happened, everything fell into place for you, now everything has changed, you must feel devastated, Im sure you will get used to the changes in time, I was a full time Step Mum to two kids, their mother did'nt want then, she dumped them on our doorstep when they were ss4 and sd5, I took care of them as a mother for 5 yrs and then one day she wanted them back and took them 200 miles away, I never saw them again, at the time I thought I would'nt get over it, then my relationship broke down, my partner at the time had never bothered to go to court to get residency, I blamed him, if you want to, you will get used to this, you have been there from day 1, that will not change, your ss is young so nothing has happened that can't be undone, I expect ss will spend more time with you than his Bd, I did'nt mean to give you a sob story to make you feel thankful, just that we can get used to change, even when we think we can't, you have a real bond with ss, Bd has to start from scratch. Jealousy could be the thing that spoils this situation for you, so you need to change your thinking, really work things through in your mind, talk to friends or talk to a counsellor, good luck.
I am sorry this happened to
I am sorry this happened to you, you went in with what you thought were wide eyes and the best of intentions, yet you did not know that who she thought, or who she told you, was the birth father was not the father. Maybe that is why that guy did not step up, maybe he knew he wasn't the father or at least that she was sleeping with several guys.
Honey, she knew there was a possibility who the father really was and she did not say anything to him or to you. What she did was horrifically wrong and now you are deeply hurt because of her. Not only you, but the real father and the child. The child's world is ripped apart just in the first year of life.
Sorry to say this, but it seems like she is using you. Whatever else you might do, do NOT have unprotected sex with her and get yourself checked. With multiple partners there is no telling what she might have passed to you. Do not, do not, do not get her pregnant.
The real father was denied the opportunity to be with his child from birth. He lost a year of his child's life that he can never regain. You've lost a year of your life but gained a wealth of experience in dealing with an unscrupulous woman.
Don't spend a moment more with this woman. She lies and sleeps around and uses men. It's not your child, it hurts you through and through that you are not the daddy. The father has every right to be called Dad and to ask that you stop using the title, especially as that confuses the child. And it's all that damn mother's fault.
IMO this is one case where I think she should custody of the baby and the rightful father have it, especially as he stepped up completely when he knew he had the responsibility. That baby deserves so much better than what that mother has done.
I'm sorry for your pain. If it is severe enough you may consider seeing a therapist. You were horribly betrayed and used, someday you will be a wonderful Daddy to a beautiful bouncing baby that you will have with a woman who truly loves you and is a good person herself.
If the bio dad is not a jerk,
If the bio dad is not a jerk, then he should understand your position.
I have a friend who as been with his wife since her son was 2 years old. My friend loves this kid like his own and treats him as his own, discipline and all. The kid has always had a relationship with his bio dad (also not a jerk) but he calls both my friend and his bio dad "Dad". Bio dad is glad my friend loves his son and treats him right instead of being an asshole step dad.
My friend and his wife also have a son together who occasionally goes on vacation with my friend's step son and his bio dad! It is all very civil, which a lot of us would be grateful for but it seems so rare.
My point is, it can work but everybody has to be on the same page. Time for a sit down.
The big major difference is
The big major difference is the mom in your scenario is the mother was not a lying bitch. Sorry but that is just so wrong, she KNEW that other guy was at least possibly the father. She used the OP, whereas your friend's wife probably did not deliberately set out to screw with someone, as the BM did with the OP.
Apples to oranges.
I agree, the situations are
I agree, the situations are different and the OP's GF was very wrong, but if all the adults involved want what is best for the child and they all act like mature adults, it can be a workable situation.
Bio dad should realize bonding has already taken place and the child having two men to call "Dad" and love said child is not the worse thing in the world. Kids have lots of love in them.
What OP does about BM putting him in this situation is quite another thing. Again, I agree, she knew what she was doing.
Not wanting the OP to play
Not wanting the OP to play daddy to his son doesn't make the BD a jerk. The only jerk in this whole mess is the BM.
I think Disney gets it.
I think Disney gets it. Hereiam is saying the BD is a jerk if he doesn't understand the OP's position.
Well, frankly, the only bad person here is the mother. The real father has every right to be known as the daddy and to ask the OP to step back. OP is not married to the mother and BD was deceived. As was OP.
Likely if BM had told BD from the start, OP would have never been cast in the daddy role. Really this woman makes me ill, how dare she jerk all these people around, including the child?
No, I did not say BD is a
No, I did not say BD is a jerk at all. I was saying, OP said BD is NOT a jerk and if that is true, he probably somewhat understands where OP is coming from and a conversation can be had amongst all.
Instead of saying "should" in my original post, I should have put "probably". Since he is not a jerk, he probably understands (even if just a little). Just as I'm sure OP understands bio dad wants to be involved.
Sorry for
Sorry for misunderstanding.
Just can't imagine how BD must have felt to find out not only does he have a child that is already a year old but all this time the mother has put up some other dude in his place and saying he's the dad and having him act like the dad, full well knowing that BD is one of the actual candidates. And she just oh so happened to forget she slept with BD?