You are here

Ended it....

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Sun, 06/03/2012 - 7:08pm

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

I had told SO I was fine with taking time, giving his daughter (29) time to adjust to him dating, but that I could not commit to him until he established proper boundaries with her.

That was a while ago... starting back in January.

So, we did the whole month to think, and he said he needed to talk with me....

So his talk with me consisted of telling me how much he loves me and wants me and doesn't want to be without me and wants to move forward with me, and that his mind has not changed- he still plans to marry me. He does not address any of the issues, or communicate with me how to solve them.

Then, he proceeds to say, Lily, I know you're having a hard time right now with the kids dad coming back in town, and I want to help you with that, so I think you need to tell your ex that you are in a serious relationship that is going somewhere.... and I wouldn't mind it if it were true, but I don't feel like we're going anywhere. And really, is he trying to mark his territory or something? My ex is moving closer to be there for his kids after his stupid mid-life crisis.... he just wants to re-establish a bond with his son, he's not giving me grief at all.

So, then a couple of days later, we're having dinner with his 82 year old aunt who asks are we getting married and he says yes mam that's the plan. REALLY?? It's like he hasn't heard a word I've been saying about all this.

Then last night he told his best friend we are working toward getting married. I knew if I tried to talk about it last night I would cuss like a Marine. So I waited until this morning.

I wasn't going to completely end it. I was just gonna say I don't like him talking to people as if we are committed when I've told him I commit to him yet. Yet in the process of the conversation, the questions he asked, it became clear.

I want to be with a man whose priorities start with GOD first, SO (me) second. This is what I offer a man.

SO's daughter has been in that "next" spot for 30 years..... she's not about to move, and he's not about to make her.

At this time I'm not ready to settle for third.

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Sun, 06/03/2012 - 8:56pm

Sorry to hear about this. He obviously was not listening to what you were saying. This 'selective hearing' would have gone on into the marriage. What you say IS important enough to be heard. He regards your thoughts and wishes as unworthy of acknowledgement, and just rolls right over everything with his own plans. Did you tell him yet?

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Mon, 06/04/2012 - 7:26am

Maybe it's the prior marriage of 16 years to a man who would say all the right things, but never follow up....

Sometimes experience is the best teacher!

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Mon, 06/04/2012 - 9:01am

He is living in his own world and although he wants you in that world it must, repeat must, be on his terms.

If you're not willing then cut your losses and move on. I know you hate to have wasted that time with him but better now than after the wedding.

He's made his position clear - his way or the door.

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Tue, 06/05/2012 - 5:43pm

OCC- one of my dearest guy friends said almost the exact same thing....

"SO is a nice enough guy, but he wants to have a relationship, and wants you to marry him without making any concessions in his life."

You're so right!

Towanda's picture

Submitted by Towanda on Mon, 06/04/2012 - 3:33pm

Amen!

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Tue, 06/05/2012 - 12:04pm

I agree with OrangeCounty. You have to make this choice for yourself and if theere is any question it is better to stop it all now than to wait until later and regret your decision.

lucy51's picture

Submitted by lucy51 on Tue, 06/05/2012 - 5:40pm

I agree and send you hugs as well. I hope you are doing okay. You've got to think of yourself. That's my mantra. Be good to yourself!

LilyBelle's picture

Submitted by LilyBelle on Tue, 06/05/2012 - 5:52pm

I'm doing fine. I have a great life, and I am not lonely or bored...

His aunt (only living relative of his dad) is very upset about it. She plainly told me that she thinks his daughter has always been spoiled and he's ruining his life if he doesn't put her in her proper place so he can have a relationship with a real woman other than his daughter.

All of his brothers have told him that he's done above and beyond for his daughter, and has given her everything he could possibly have given her, and that it's time for her to grow up, but he can't see it.

And the more I think about it, the more relieved I feel. I was feeling really pressured by him, and didn't realize how much until it's over.

Thanks everyone for your kind words.