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Let's Have A "Disengagement Party" (the opposite of an "Engagement Party")

Not-the-mom's picture

Submitted by Not-the-mom on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 9:23am

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Adult Stepchildren

I say we need a "disengagement party" for those of us who have finally been able to officially disengage from our skids and their crap.

Who's up for it? The only qualification is that you have reached the point where you have finally realized that you need to get far away from your skids and the EX and live a happy life without them.

Maybe if those who are still undecided on whether or not to disengage will see how much fun we who have disengaged are having, they will take the plunge and join us!

Not-the-mom's picture

Submitted by Not-the-mom on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 9:26am

Please tell how long you have been disengaged, and what it has been like. A "show-and-tell" of happiness. Smile Wink

My DH and I have been disengaged for over six months, and it has been the most drama free bliss in our whole married life. We have been married 10 years this year. That is why I haven't been around here for a while, we have been having too much fun and relaxation! Biggrin

Not-the-mom's picture

Submitted by Not-the-mom on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 9:37am

Remember to tell how long you have been disengaged! And how it has been.

Hopefully, this will be an encouragement for others trying to disengage.

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 3:02pm

Me too! Pour the wine and let's toast! I went through all of the crap for over 20 years. A bit of RA from SD, her Hubby and DH thrown in for good measure. SD and Hubby would pull some really ugly stuff. It intensified when DH was not present but at times DH seemed to even join in the fun of putting me down. I was told I made SD and Hubby 'uncomfortable'. If I complained at all it was either my imagination or I was over-reacting. DH's family noticed that SD treated me badly but DH seemed oblivious to it. A year and 1/2 ago SD had a big meltdown. I was verbally attacked and screamed at by both she and her Hubby while DH ran out the door. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I've been disengaged for almost a year and 1/2. There is absolutley nothing in this world that could force me go back to the days of enduring the crap. SD is not allowed in our home and I never initiate any conversation about her. DH is now having to deal with SD who no longer acknowledges his existance. The longer she plays the game the more disgusted he gets - her loss after all. What a difference in my life disengaging has made! Our marriage has never been so good. Recently I was even told by my family that I seem much happier. Ya, I'm ready to make a toast!

cpreston's picture

Submitted by cpreston on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 3:14pm

I have been disengaged on and off for about six months now. Sometimes, I slip up and start giving a damn about my SS27 who lives in our house with his G/F21, but when that happens and I bitch to my husband about stuff like “she let her car insurance lapse” it starts arguments between he and I, and I realized that these people are not worth damaging my relationship with my husband.

I am a much more pleasant person since I started the Zoloft, um I mean disengaged

Oh and disengaging has saved me hundreds of dollars on my grocery bill… see, I used to buy food and cook for four “adults” and a teenager… after some no-show’s for dinner, and stolen lunches, I put down the edict that they are to feed themselves… period!
Now I only have to buy food for the three of us, and I know exactly what will be leftover for lunches! I don’t get stressed about ‘holding’ dinner for whoever isn’t there when it’s ready… so dinner is much more pleasant in my house now too

See, I can’t get ‘as far away as possible’ from them, but I can just pretty much only acknowledge them, and be cordial and polite and mannerly to them, all the while doing nothing more than allowing them have a roof over their heads thanks to my husband… and me… (of course if it were up to me, they’d be out on their arses, either sleeping on the floor of her mother’s apartment or his mother’s apartment or HEAVEN FORBID fending for themselves!)

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Thu, 05/31/2012 - 1:10pm

lol! Be careful for that zoloft I made some crazy decisions on Lexapro (takes away inhibition and decision making ability to some extent) and gained 40 lbs in 9 months!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Submitted by 20YearsAsAStep-Mom on Wed, 05/30/2012 - 7:19pm

Hands waving here. I have been disengaged for 3 months now and am still working on it. DH is having a hard time with it, but I am preparing to leave. Unless he has a total eclipse I won't be here for the fallout much longer.

jennaspace's picture

Submitted by jennaspace on Thu, 05/31/2012 - 1:01am

Yeah!!!! 6 months for me (started at Christmas)!!! Pour the wine!

Is being the conduit for conversation really that common? since I pulled out, my H. rarely talks w/his mom, dtr or son. He's just not a communicator. I guess all those accusations of my not being "family oriented" can come back and bite MIL in the butt now that she how my H really is without me be involved.

Not-the-mom's picture

Submitted by Not-the-mom on Thu, 05/31/2012 - 11:25am

Thanks for the great stories, and congratulations on everyone's disengaging success stories! It is soooooo nice isn't it without the drama!? Biggrin

Jennaspace, I too was the "communication conduit" even though my skids thought I was causing the communication problems, I was encouraging my DH to contact his kids and try and keep up with their lives. NO MORE!!! I am out of the communication facilitator business. Blum 3

My DH is also someone who seldom talks with his family. His mother (before she died) would usually have to be the one to call him. It also seemed that she was the one who was part of the "triangulation syndrome" in the family. She would gather and pass on gossip, news etc. about everyone to family memebers. Now that she is gone (may she rest in peace) we are staying out of the loop of gossip and communication. It just isn't worth trying to deal with all the crap. This includes his sister and her one daughter - a couple of real divas! The other two daughters are cool though.

Please keep the disengagement stories coming! There must be more out there - I hope! Smile

LRP75's picture

Submitted by LRP75 on Sun, 06/03/2012 - 8:12pm

I've been disengaged for 5 months. I have my moments when I backslide, but overall, I do really well.

I don't do ANYTHING for the skids. NOTHING. When I say I backslide, I usually find myself giving a shit about them and I make a suggestion or ask about them. Then all hell breaks loose again and I am reminded why I disengaged in the first place.

Being engaged is a no-win situation for me.

Being disengaged has been nothing but a total WIN. I no longer have to care or worry about a situation that I am not responsible for. Or, more importantly, I am no longer accepting responsibility for a situation that is not mine to take responsibility for.

All in all, my time is my own again: I no longer have to worry about DH thinking I'm going to hang around all weekend simply because he has his kids. Also, he no longer expects me to help him entertain them 24/7.

I just get to go about doing my own thing. No fuss, no muss, no drama. Thank you very much!

"I am freeeeeee.... free as a bird can beeeeeee...."

CHEERS TO YA'LL! *clink* Wink