DW confirms: no chores for SD17 this summer
As a quick primer, SD17 (aka "Butthead") arrived at my home last week for summer visitation. She was banished to her father's house in February after we discovered that she had been cutting class, smoking pot, dating gangbangers, and getting shitty grades. Butthead's father, Mr. Anus, is a complete asshole, but he is also a disciplinarian, and Butthead respects him. He enforced rules on Butthead, and she did much better in school under his watch.
Given her experiences with Mr. Anus, SD was undoubtedly looking forward to spending a summer on the couch, watching TV and not doing chores. DW is a card-carrying "friend" parent who does not believe in rules, expectations, or discipline. Nonetheless, I still feel that Butthead should do more than lay on the couch all day, and that it is not unreasonable for her to help with some chores. I had the following conversation with DW:
Paul: "DW, I think that Butthead should be helping at least a little around the house. I will probably be gone most of the summer for work, and at the end of the day, the only thing that really has to get done is the yard. I think it would be reasonable if Butthead mowed it every week."
DW: "Not unless you pay her $20."
Paul: "You really think she should get paid for that? When she's not doing anything else?"
DW: "Well, I was going to have her work on some inside chores as well, so she should get paid if she mows the yard."
Paul: "What inside chores did you have in mind?"
DW: "Whatever she has time for."
Paul: "What does that mean, exactly."
DW: "Whatever she has time for."
Paul: "Could you be more specific? That's pretty vague."
DW: "I don't want to commit to specific chores each week. That way you would have expectations of her, and would gripe if she didn't do them."
Paul: "If you don't have specific expectations set, you know that she won't end up doing anything."
DW: "Like I said, she'll do what she has time for."
At this point, I gave up. I know darn well that DW would not make Butthead do any inside chores. On top of that, Butthead would also be getting paid $20 for the only chore that she would actually do, and DW would probably end up doing it for her anyway.
I just don't get it. Why is it unreasonable for me to expect Butthead to help with the house?
Sounds like they are cut from
Sounds like they are cut from the same cloth....so sorry for you.
Your wife is an enabler,
Your wife is an enabler, plain and simple. Till she changes then you are always gonna be in this situation.
Shopping.
Shopping.
"I just don't get it. Why is
"I just don't get it. Why is it unreasonable for me to expect Butthead to help with the house?"
It's not the least bit unreasonable. In fact, it makes perfect sense. This child is 17 years old, I would argue that in addition to chores, she should have a job.
^^This. In your position, I
^^This.
In your position, I might just also be tempted to put all my bills on auto debit; deposit a set amount in whatever checking acct. your DW has access to for groceries, gas, and play; and have the rest deposited into a savings and/or checking acct. in your name only that DW doesn't have access to.
I think this is a great idea
I think this is a great idea
Paul Paul Paul why do you
Paul Paul Paul why do you care what this kid does?
Don't you yet realize you're powerless here? The girl is not your kid. You can't dictate anything. All your attempts at raising this kids are first not going to have one iota of effect on the kid and two will only result in an argument with her mother.
Even her bio-parents job is done. At 17 this girls future is decided by her - she obviously could care less about parental input. STEP-parent input? - who that old guy married to Mom? He's a irrelevent idiot in the girls opinion and the harder you try the more irrelevent you become.
It's was always been too late for you Paul as it was for almost all step-parents. Wake up Paul. Live your life not hers.
"Wake up Paul. Live your life
"Wake up Paul. Live your life not hers."
Believe me, I would like to do that. The problem is that WHEN BUTTHEAD IS IN MY HOUSE, SHE IS A PART OF MY LIFE. Eating my food. Dirtying my dishes. Funking up my couch with her BO. Burning my gas when DW drives her places. If she gets the benefit of those items, she should be contributing **something.**
Now, when Butthead is at her dad's, I could care less what she does. She could spend all day picking toenails for all I care. But when she is in MY house, consuming MY resources, she should not get a free pass.
And no, I do not actually speak to Butthead about anything. We do not speak to one another at all. I will occasionally try to stand up for myself with DW, when I get so frustrated that I am unable to keep my yap shut.
Any way to cut off the
Any way to cut off the resources?
Find someone to PAY to do the
Find someone to PAY to do the yardwork, then on your time off, go have fun with your friends...
That's the plan. When I am
That's the plan. When I am out of town, I will have a yard guy do it. It is worth it to me to pay him $40 to do it, than to put $20 in Butthead's pocket.
I would be away as much as
I would be away as much as possible. And clean up your messes... nobody else's. If her mother wants her to be spoiled, be sure it's her mother who is doing the spoiling.
Do your own laundry, clean your bathroom, take your trash out when you make it, do your own dishes. Don't do anyone else's. Then hire a cleaning service at the end of the summer when she's gone.
I love the previous post about finding someone else to pay.... find some kids in your neighborhood, and pay them to do chores that you think SD should do. There are lots of teens who aren't old enough to get a job who would like to work and earn extra money. Let SD be lazy, and let her see others get paid for doing her chores. But, don't pay her any money... don't provide for her to eat out or shop... if her mother wants to provide, that's her choice, but you spend your money the way you see fit.
Great! He can provide
Great! He can provide necessities- food, clothing, and shelter. Which, she obviously isn't going around naked now, and if she gains weight, he can go to goodwill and get appropriately sized clothing without spending a fortune.
He can make a list of chores that need to be done, and what he's willing to pay for them, and if they are getting done, he can pay whoever is doing them. Maybe throw in a tip if they are being done cheerfully!
Paul...this situation doesn't
Paul...this situation doesn't cut it for me.
I have worked the entire time I have helped to raise my SD...now 19.
My husband did not allow me to sit at home or quit a job to do anything like raise our children.
I have contributed to his daughter just as equally as our own two kids together...and rightfully so. So...that means...I GET TO DICTATE WHAT SD DOES IN MY FRIGGIN' HOUSE...
If your DW is gonna be such a bitch as to tell you that HER PRECIOUS AHOLE DAUGHTER HAS NOOOOOO CHORES...time to pull the plug on both.
I like the suggestion to separate your accounts with her. Take care of the necessities and then cut them off.
WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE SPEND THE SUMMER WORKING THEIR ASS OFF TO HAVE TWO LAZY IDIOT WOMEN SPEND IT ALL...don't let them sit there laughing at you...take charge!
A 17 year old needs a job and chores. ANYONE who lives in a house should partake in the care of it and not expect any money for it.
WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE
WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE SPEND THE SUMMER WORKING THEIR ASS OFF TO HAVE TWO LAZY IDIOT WOMEN SPEND IT
^^^^ This.
I like the suggestion to separate your accounts with her. Take care of the necessities and then cut them off.
^^^^^ Especially THIS!
If you lived in my area, my
If you lived in my area, my 16 year old loves to help other people clean their house for money.