7 stages of stepfamily development
When I read the book stepmonster I found this so interesting and I knew exactally what stage my family was in!
1. FANTASY STAGE: Most stepfamily members bring a complex set of fantasies, wishes, and
unspoken expectations to their new relationships; Later experience may prove these fantasies
embarrassingly inaccurate
2.IMMERSION STAGE:Stepparent has an
outsider position and biological parent and child remain intensely connected; Stepparents often
have unexpectedly strong negative feelings, jealousy, resentment, confusion, inadequacy;Often an uneasy feeling that something is amiss and the stepparent may
believe it must be me.
3.AWARENESS STAGE:Stepparent more clearly understands the
power of the biological parent-child connection;Biological parents begin to understand more clearly that they are the only ones truly
connected to both children and spouse
4.MOBILIZATION STAGE: Stepparents may begin speaking up with more energy about their
needs for inclusion and for change; Stepparents may experience relief at being heard, but
biological parents may feel more pressure as they decide whether to hang onto the past or change
to meet the stepparents requests; Step-parents more vocal desire to distance form an ex-spouse
may conflict with the biological parents need to maintain a civil relationship; Arguments may
appear trivial, but are often over whether the biological subsystem will remain stable or whether
the step-people will be able to generate enough change to make themselves comfortable.
5.ACTION STAGE: Moves in this stage change the family structure as new boundaries are drawn; The
family now has enough understanding so that every family activity is no longer a potential power
struggle between insiders and outsiders.
6.CONTACT STAGE: Are now new areas of agreement within which the family can function
easily; There are more one-on-one relationships rather than triangulated relationships;
Stepparents and children begin to forge real relationships; It is ONLY NOW, after the major
structural changes, that a clearly defined stepparent role emerges.
7.RESOLUTION STAGE: The stepfamily now has solid and reliable step relationships; Norms are
established and a history has begun to build; the step parent is intimate enough to be a confidante, and outside enough to provide support
and mentoring in areas too threatening to share with biological parents.
Experts say this whole cycle takes an average of 7 years, with some families in one or more cycles at a time, and sometimes going back instead of forward. Can you tell what cycle your family is in?
6 years in and Im in last
6 years in and Im in last stage but still have a few struggles(because of BM)
who invented these stages?
who invented these stages? Don't really remember them in Stepmonster but I read it vv quickly
2.5 years going into Stage 4.
2.5 years going into Stage 4. Ughhh. I hate the power struggles with SS16.
How do we get over the power struggles?
DH never got past STAGE 1 I
DH never got past STAGE 1
I seem to be stuck in STAGE 2 where my skids are concerned
I seem to be in STAGE 3 where my bios are concerned
The thing is, I am not sure I even want to bother at this point to go through the other states.
We are in year 3 of living together, year 4+ otherwise.
i think we are vacillating
i think we are vacillating between stages 4 and 6.
just passed the year mark being married to dh but we have been together 3
This proves very accurate for
This proves very accurate for our household. 7 1/2 years and we are at the final stage. We have been here for a while. Of course the final stage does not come without hiccups of its own!! But much better than stages 1-6!
I had this thought - so when
I had this thought - so when SS6 crushes DH and turns his back on him to go with BM, I won't be to blame....
but I likely still will be anyway....
We are at 3 years and are
We are at 3 years and are moving between 4-6! Some days it feels like we're there, and then we're right almost back to stage 1! And I'm pretty sure these were listed in Stepmonster, but honestly I read alot of Stepfamily books so it may have been another step parenting book. I pulled these from Developmental Stages of Stepfamilies - The Stepfamily Cycle by JAN SCHARMAN
We are at 12 years and at
We are at 12 years and at Stage 7, with the every other month blowout with the Bum Bitch Momma.
Yes this does not look too
Yes this does not look too much like Stepmonster, which is all about disengaging from the process.
1. FANTASY STAGE: I and DH indulged in this but I think the SKs were more realistic.
2.IMMERSION STAGE:
Did not happen to us. I was an outsider sure but there was no sense of inadequacy or jealousy. Far from any intense interaction I had to shore up DH relationship with SKs.
3.AWARENESS STAGE:
I got there but not DH.
4.MOBILIZATION STAGE:
I think I am here, DH is at 1.
5.ACTION STAGE:
I and Skids are there, DH is at 1.
6.CONTACT STAGE:
This is where disengaged families like ours do not fit the mold.
7.RESOLUTION STAGE:
This is only one sort of resolution. Plainly about blended families.
I think you don't have to be unhappy if disengaged. 2 of my skids and I get along fine though not in a relationship. There is mutual respect which is beneficial to both sides.
It took longer than 7 years for us because of DH being stuck in 1 and me only gradually realising this was a problem between the adults.
Hmmmm, I'm between 3 & 4. OH
Hmmmm, I'm between 3 & 4. OH is between 1 & 2.
I'm not sure what stage I
I'm not sure what stage I would fit into. Maybe Stage 2, but this doesn't really fit: "biological parent and child remain intensely connected". That's the real issue I'm facing. DH and SS are getting further and further apart. DH is at his wits end dealing with SS and wants to hand off all parenting to me.
This IS interesting, but I
This IS interesting, but I don't remember it from Stepmonster. When I came across this yesterday, it gave me hope.
DH and I have been married 3 years. My husband is still incredibly enmeshed w/ SD 23. Anytime I have asked for input on when she comes to our home and how long she stays, my husband FREAKS OUT and usually threatens divorce. She is married and has a 3 year old child. She lived with us during the first 7 months of our marriage. She was pregnant and her husband was away in the military. DH and I bought a house together and were both working full time and working on the house at night. DH thought SD would help with chores at the old home, but that was not the case. After 3 months, I asked him to talk to her about replacing the toilet paper when she used the last. He got very defensive and ended the conversation by screaming "F@#$ you, B@#$%. I want a divorce." Nice, huh?
We entered counseling. He made some promises that he hasn't kept. I have continued to go to counseling. He refuses. Has anyone experienced this? Has it ever gotten better? PLEASE comment.