Any advice on getting the anger out?
I haven't met my future SD5 yet. I don't really want to. I am so angry about the fact that my future DH has a kid with his ex-wife (totally manipulative, lazy, unfit person) that I don't know what to do. I'm angry that he chose her to do this with - have a kid. I don't have any kids. I'm angry that if we have kids, it won't be his first rodeo - ultrasounds, telling the parents, labor, seeing the kid walk, talk, etc. Future DH knows how upset I am about this so we've postponed me meeting his daughter...the problem is that the wedding is coming up, and I still can't get the image of him and his bad decision 'making the kid' out of my head. It also doesn't help that the kid was unplanned....his ex was supposed to be on the pill, but I think that she manipulated it and wanted a kid. I told him that I could have been with 500 guys (exaggeration) but nobody would know it because I don't have a walking reminder of my past. It also doesn't help that they were separated when we got together (I know...my timing has always been awful )- she'd served him divorce papers a few months before we found each other - and I got to see the dirty details of his divorce, which reminded me of my nasty divorce many years before. He has to pay a ton of child support a month to this lazy, ungrateful ex that he chose to marry and have an unplanned kid with. And I'm betting she doesn't even use it all on the kid and isn't saving any of it for college or emergencies. It's like his cheating ex doesn't have to work as hard as she should....and she's getting everything she wants. $$$, the kid, not having to ask my future DH's opinion for her decisions with the kid (for instance she decided to move out of her 'controlling' bf's house and just pack the kid up, rip her away from her 'brothers', pets, friends, life and move to a different city). I know I'm looking at it wrong - I'm taking my anger out on the kid, because she's half her crazy stupid mom. But I don't know what to do other than not marry the guy. I'm constantly wondering if he said/did the same things with me that he did with her...why was his judgement so off with her to marry and have a kid with when he saw warning signs so what's wrong with me? And I'm not like that - I used to be confident, but knowing that he has a kid and that I have to share him sucks. He travels a lot so I don't get to see him that much anyway, and then he goes and sees his kid and has to deal with his stupid ex-wife....How do I let go of the anger and the nasty images that keep popping into my head? I do want to marry him. I know that we will be happy together...but there's this issue that I'm having a hard time with. And it's a BIG issue. I love him so much, and we have so much fun together and a ton in common, but I'm really having a hard time accepting this. I feel like an awful person sometimes.
I need to just get it over
I need to just get it over with and meet the kid...I might be building my anxiety up over nothing.
We've been dating a year, but
We've been dating a year, but I've known him for many years. We just didn't really keep in touch. I've been reading around this site and it's scaring the hell out of me. LOL. But I do love it and am glad I found it - it's kinda nice to know that my anger is justified and that I'm 'normal'. I've felt like a horrible, awful person the past few months...and my family thinks I'm awful for feeling the way I feel. I haven't wanted to meet his kid because I'm betting she will pick up on my dislike. But I'm going to meet her in the very near future, defintely before the wedding. Nearly losing my future DH to our fighting has made me have a more open mind in at least meeting the kid. I am not going to meet the ex...I have no desire or need to meet her. I've heard enough to already know what she's like - and I will call her on it. I'm not the kind to just sit back...
Join a martial arts with the
Join a martial arts with the guy. Me and FDH beat the crap out of each other on the mat so we don't do it at home.
But in all seriousness, I know what you mean about wondering if you are in some ways like BM--if not, how could he have married and bred with that thing, if yes, then is your relationship doomed for failure? These are all valid concerns and feelings, but they can and will drive you crazy if you let them.
If your BF is the kind you can truly trust, talking these feelings out would help, especially if he can see where you're coming from and give honest answers.
My FDH has two things he wanted in a woman, intelligence and innocence, clever and shrewed, but kind and sweet and nurturing which is supremely hard to find, in case the men out there haven't noticed. He edginess, but he liked softness too--essentially he wanted someone adaptable in their emotions. But usually you can only find someone with one of those qualities.
He found his exGF who was innocent, kind, sweet, and nurturing, but had no edge to her, low self esteem, and judged him for being edgy himself because she had an idea of what is good and bad, and always wanted to be the good girl. So he was unhappy with her and had no physical attraction to her.
So he ended up cheating on her with BM, who is clever, shrewd, intelligent in some capacities, and edgy--but downright crazy. He didn't like her emotionall, but enjoyed her physically. He was so afraid of being around her for something other than sex that he would wait outside in his car if she arrived early to our school. But she ended up trapping him with a kid. Didn't marry her, but fucked himself over.
Then you have me, who turned out to be a mix of the two things he enjoyed the most--i can be gullible and cute at times, but when it comes to logic and independence and edge in make-up and fashion, few that he met could match me. We talked about it, about my similarities and differences, if we are doomed to failure because of them--and the answer was a resounding NO, because I am not his ex or BM, because I have the parts that he liked about them, but none of the parts he didn't my bad side is a whole new ballgame.
Anyway, you need to talk over your concerns, all of them, with your partner. If you can't a relationship not built with a strong foundation in communication will only cause misery, resentment, and sadness. At worse it may crumble.
Lots of luck to you!
Thank you so much! Your
Thank you so much! Your advice really helps.
Our talking using ends in an argument. I can be really mean when I want to be, and this makes me so defensive that it's unreal. He told me that he married her for her families money (you don't have to say anything to that...LOL), and that I am nothing like her (thank GOD!), but still, there's doubt. Even if he married her for her money, he still stuck his dick in her nastiness and had a kid...it just makes me sick.
It sucks when you know what
It sucks when you know what the person looks and is like. If it was just an abstract ex you've never met or seen, the images won't bother you as bad because you don't have a face. But you're reminded of his mistake every single time you have to hear/deal with Bm/skid.
FDH's advice was
1. Work through the thoughts, don't try to ignore them because they will come back stronger.
2. Work through it with him, he will answer the questions no matter how uncomfortable they are, and dissolve any false assumptions.
3. Work together to find out what the triggers for the thoughts are, and DON'T trigger them. Is it when you've had a rough day and you come back home and have to deal with skid issues? Is it after or before you're intimate with him and he brings soemthing up that seems reminiscent of his time with her? Is it finding a photo ot piece of text in a place unexpectedly that was reminiscent of their time together? If so, he needs to remove those triggers, or at least work with you to remove as much as he can.
I found out it helps when you put it into a context he can understand. FDH didn't understand it either, for a while, because he blocked his memories of her put (or tries to), but I said it would be the equivalent of me having a tattoo of an ex boyfriend's name or face right above my lady parts. Have fun looking at it while we're having sex! Then he understood and knew we had to do something about it.
Anyway, don't let it eat you up, because at the end of the day, he is with you. I know how you feel, neither FDH nor I have met SS (court proceedings without temp visitation started right after he was born and we're still finishing it up) yet, so it's a great unknown. Just know that he CHOSE you.
Also, remember to cut the guy some slack, women are pretty good with our words, and some of them aren't smart enough to go against us. Most of them aren't. Even more important than all that otger stuff is learning how to communicate with him in a constructive way. We needed a safe word because we both toed the line when everything used to end in arguments. So when we used it, we knew it meant: step back, stop talking about the issue and talk about whay's wrong with the way we're communicating with eachother.
P'S. Don't hesitate in shooting me a PM as well, i'm always willing to lend an ear. I know it sucks to be where you are. I'm two years into it and it still sucks.
Thank you so much! What's a
Thank you so much! What's a PM? I'm guessing Private Message? I'm new to this site...so I still have some learning to do. I usually have the 'bad thoughts' when he's away at work and I'm bored or can't get in touch with him...or when I'm really stressed. It's like I sabotage myself and like to add stress to my stress. It's funny because we did have a safe word...but we've forgotten about using them. It seemed like we would just scream the safe word at each other and storm off...or worse yet, hang up on each other. I haven't met ex or FSD yet...so I'm thinking it will either get worse or get better. He gets jealous when ex bf's or even friends come up....and my answer is always that I don't have a kid... I try to cut him some slack, but it's so difficult sometimes. I just know that I am way better than his ex in every single way, he's marrying up with me, and that I can offer him a real chance at happiness and love for the rest of our lives, along with a wanted family. This is it for me - I've already been divorced and am not gonna let that happen again.
"He still stuck his dick in
"He still stuck his dick in her nastiness and had a kid"
Yeah - maybe justified was
Yeah - maybe justified was the wrong word to use. I see your point. While this woman has done nothing to me, she did something to the guy that I love...and I am the one dealing with it. He made a horrible decision to marry her when he saw a ton of red flags, have a kid with her (even though he thought they were being safe), and she cheated on him. So he has some issues that I'm having to deal with because of her. I do need to make a decision...either nut up or shut up (my fav quote from Zombieland). LOL.
Wow-some of the advice here
Wow-some of the advice here really sounds like it comes from true evil stepmoms. My experience of this site so far has been that most are just tired of being dissed and/or abused by skids. But here I see some wanting to toss out bio kids and already resenting their existence. This is not healthy. If you already hate the kid and haven't even met her yet, do both you and SD a favor and end your relationship. It isn't her fault she exists and the way you sound now, you are in for years of pain ten times more intense than you are feeling now.
Why can't you try and make
Why can't you try and make the best of things? This little girl is innocent, she needs help if her mother is like you say, you could be a positive female influence in her life, you havn't given her a chance yet, at the end of the day your bf isn't with bm anymore he's with you, I am 14 yrs older than bm lol, I could be jealous, I refuse to be, I will not let that woman wind me up anymore than is absolutely necessary lol, please try to give her a chance, she might be a little sweetie, leave the past in the past, think to the future, you should meet sd asap and then decide what to do, when I met my first 2 skids, they were sd5 and ss3, they were so lovely, I was only 21 but I loved those skids so much, your imagination is running riot, you are punishing yourself thinking about what has happened, you should be thinking about now.
What's the worst that can
What's the worst that can happen? you might actually end up really enjoying her company. It's not her fault who her parents are. Just give it a go and try and have a positive attitude towards her. I know it's hard but it will also make your relationship with her dad a lot stronger.
People make mistakes. I have had bad relationships in the past and people have said afterwards thank god you're not with that idiot any more but at the time you don't see if for yourself. There's a reason they are no longer together. He is with you and wants to marry you not her now. Look to the future with him and his daughter. Best of Luck
Clare
It's hard for me to judge my
It's hard for me to judge my fiancee for who he knocked up, although she is a needle/heroin all other kinds too drug user because my ex husband tried to murder me, stabbing me 11 times in front of our children, and was subsequently incarcerated.....What I do blame him for is NOT having a paternity test after his son was born, which his ENTIRE FAMILY urged him to do. Baby Momma was caught, during the pregnancy, stealing my soon to be sister in law's pain pills from her home (she has MS), god only knows what other drugs she was on during the pregnancy. Kid was born autistic and has a host of other medical problems along with that. One of the medical conditions he has is called autosomal dominant polycystic kidney disease. it's an inherited trait, pretty much ONLY comes from a bio parent....guess what...baby momma and my fiancee miraculously don't have it......see where i'm going? I don't even think that my stepkid, who i'm stuck raising fulltime cuz baby momma's gone, is even my fiancee's bio kid. He has no traits that resemble dad, nothing, looks exaactly like the mother.
I feel your pain, I really do. If you love this guy, you are gonna be stuck with this ex and the kid forever. I have already resigned myself to the fact that i'm stuck with stepkid regardless of his biological paternity, although I have secret dreams of secretly swabbing both of their mouths and having my own personal DNA test done just to see if i'm right, LOL....How do I handle all of this: drink plenty of wine on Fri nights and go to the gym and sweat the stress out!!!
good luck to you my dear!!!
I don't think how the little
I don't think how the little girl acts or how pleasant she is to you will change the thought process you have already accepted. You are angry for choices he made in the past. That has everything to do with him, and very little to do with this girl, much less how she may or may not act. You are insane if you marry him having these feelings. If you are already having a problem being "second" you do NOT need to marry someone who has a child. Meeting her is not going to take these feelings away. If you can't get over it first, don't bother meeting her. I do understand your feelings. Been there, done that. But your life will be hell if you go into this naively, thinking that if the little girl is perfect enough your feelings will disappear.
LOL - I'm expecting her to be
LOL - I'm expecting her to be a noisy spoiled brat, not perfect. If I hope for the worst, then whatever her behaviour will seem better...for now. I know...I have some issues to work through. Our pre-marital counseler thinks it'll just take time...he just wants me to vent and get my feelings out also. Which is helping a lot...it's not like I can vent all the time to my FDH...Btu I can just vent and get it out and get over it here. Or try too. Which seems to be why I like this site. It offers different perspectives and opinions and allows people to vent and make snarky comments that the poster can think about. Some comments are more helpful than others, but everybody is entitled to their opinions and some people might just be in a 'lower' place today than they will be tomorrow...and might not be as mean/snarky/bitchy/insane as their comments/posts seem... I'm not going into this naively....I realize that he has baggage and it's gonna be a part of my life now. But it still sucks. And I shouldn't have to be second...if we have a good marriage and work on things, then we will be a team and there should be no seconds. And when we start having our own kids, then he'll have to shift his priorities and unfortunately, the kid that lives furthest away and not in his household might have to shift down on the list too... Maybe that's naive? I realize that stuff could happen to his ex, and the kid might have to/want to come live with us, but we'll have to deal with that if/when it happens....but yes, I am angry for his poor choices that he made in the past. I am angry that this kid was an accident...and that he let this accident happen. It's something we're gonna have to live with...but what's done is done so I need to either get over it or move on.
Do not marry him. The kid
Do not marry him. The kid will bear the brunt of your animosity, and it won't be fair. My mother married a man who HATED me (I was a five year old little girl). She sat on her hands and watched him wreck my childhood with his hate. She has long since divorced this man, but to this day, my mother & I have NO relationship whatsoever. All because she forced me to live with someone who didn't have my best interests at heart. You will ruin his relationship with his kid if you go through with this marriage.
ANY WOMEN LOOKING AT MARRYING
ANY WOMEN LOOKING AT MARRYING A MAN WITH A CHILD...LISTEN UP!!!!
You will always, always, always, always, always, always, always be second to someone. Sometimes even third. If you find someone who does NOT make you feel this way, tie him up in your basement and do NOT let him get away because it is a freakin miracle and will NEVER happen again!
Ali_cat...I fear for you! LOL Please meet this child NOW. Well in advance of the wedding. With enough time for her to get on your nerves. With enough time for him to show his true colors and how SHE matters more than you. It takes at LEAST a year. You may need to change your date now...or just cancel
this is the first comment
this is the first comment I've posted on ST, as I share a lot of the same feelings as OP. when I saw this post I was excited to read the responses to the question OP had asked, ''any advice on getting the anger out'' as this is exactly what I need help with too ..but I was a bit disappointed to read that a lot of people just said ''dont marry him'' ..I hope I dont sound rude to those that posted that, apologies if I do.. but I think what the OP was asking was how to cope with her anger, and how to move on from it, not wether or not she should marry him.. although some fantastic advice from not2sureimsaneanymore, and a few others were helpful, may I ask all of you experienced SMs if you have any more advice to work through the sad/angry feelings that I share with the OP? I'm new at this.. oh dear I started typing this comment and it turned into a novel, so I think I will just post it as a blog!!