Need some sage advice
Here's the scoop:
My boyfriend has been divorced for almost 2yrs, separated 1 yr before that...He has a 16 yr old daughter who wants nothing to do with me--even though we have been together for a year. She lives with him, sees her mom on weekends. The fact that she is in denial about her father moving on and paying attention to me is killing her. She told him it was too soon for him to date and he is too affectionate with me!!! I have only met her a couple of times-well 3, but the first time she said 4 words to me 
She makes any excuse to cause drama and interfere with our plans. Each time we try to include her in on dinner plans, etc she makes excuses and does not attend. She has a smart mouth and always has comments about everything and everyone, she lacks any manners (never says please or thank you) , and has a tremendous amount of entitlement--all his fault because he is so guilty for "ruining her life" by divorcing her mother. He buys her everything and gives in to any whim she may have.
I could bore you all with much much more, but I wont just yet.
I was raised in a somewhat conservative home where you had respect for all people. I have worked all my life--never once asking my dad or mom for much--other than a roof over my head. I was taught to be kind to others, help when I can and basically make a difference in the world around me.
This kid does poorly in school, has no respect for anyone, does not even clean her own dishes after she eats, rarely picks up after herself or clean her room, yet has this poor man wrapped around her pinky!!! It is very sad to see it all unfold, but we truly love each other and we have the best time together--unless Miss no-personality decides to call him away to her rescue.
I have only met her 3 times (not for lack of trying) but she resists every time we try to do something with her.
I would love some feedback from anyone that has experience in this crazy arena...This is giving me migraines ans sleepless nights. I am afraid she will never grow up and let us live our lives in peace.
I totally agree with both
I totally agree with both posts...I just need a little support from people that understand. I have spoken to him on a few occasions and oddly enough he agrees with me on needing to be more of a parent, not a friend. The issue here--not mentioned in my earlier post--is that the mother is a nightmare, does not have a good relationship with the daughter, lacks self esteem and self-respect, is greedy and has no life outside of her job.
The reason for the divorce is more skewed on the mother's part in this mess. No one takes the entire blame, but the mom had a huge part in the demise of the marriage. I suppose my boyfriend feels he needs to overcompensate for the mom's lack of involvement in the girl's life. He has no idea how to parent (I try to indirectly help by suggesting articles, websites, therapy). The kid has no boundaries...Oddly enough she attends a private school and is involved in youth ministry in the church; so sad that no one there is able to reach out an help her.
I know the likelihood of her coming around and liking me is slim to none and I am not holding my breath, and of course I realize he will always take his daughter's side even if he knows she's wrong. I can only hope she graduates high school and goes off to college far far away and get a life... Her grades are a mess, but I think the true problem lies much deeper than academics. She's an only child to what once was a loveless marriage--hence the divorce.
Thank you for reaching out to me in your posts.
Keeping the sanity...
My first reaction to this
My first reaction to this is... She is 16...
And still reconciling the Divorce...
Remember kids don't always handle this stuff well...
And yes Dad needs to say... Hey wait a minute...
Teens in General are moody, insecure, easily frustrated, and impatient..
Add a Divorce to the mix... and thier whole world changed without anyone consulting them... Now add a new person to their world... who they have to share one of thier parents with... or maybe even two new people...
As for the Rescuing thing... They do that for attention, and to make sure somebody still cares about them...
Remember negative attention is still attention...
One of my SD's was really easy to get along with...
The other took a YEAR of Patience...
as well as me coaching mom from being taken advantage of...
So... Just point it out to Dad on a regular basis...
It takes time... You are on the outside looking in, and they have been creating the habits for a while...
I have friends with Kids that haven't been divorced...
similar issues of Disrespect, attitude, laziness...
But the friends who have divorces... it's all Magnified...
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your understanding and kind words.
It is so easy for me to see what's going on--as I am on the outside--having the Dad see it is a different story; besides I don't want to seem like I'm attacking the kid by saying any negative comments to him. I always use examples of divorced friends of mine or his...There are plenty of those these days.
My nieces and nephews have been lucky enough to have a different foundation as well as upbringing--they also are not only children who think the world revolves around them (especially now after the divorce).
You are on point with the teenage thing; they seem to magnify everything even if they are in solid families.
She is a bit spoiled and he knows that all too well, he's trying to break old habits and it will take time. Let's hope I can hang on til Peace reigns in her little teenage heart! If we didn't get along so well and have a great chance at making this whole thing work between us...I would have thrown in the towel after the first time I met her...
Many blessings and thank you.
It sounds to me as though the
It sounds to me as though the girl has been coached not to like you, I think you need to disassociate yourself from the situation, at least she dos'nt live with you?
It seems to be typical that the parent who is'nt the main carer spoils the child and dosn't correct bad behavior, this really does the child no favours at all, teaching a child respect and good manners really isn't hard and sets them up to be successful in life. Plus a child never respects a soft parent. Good luck.
My generic advise to divorced
My generic advise to divorced parents is to never re-marry or shack up until the youngest is out of high school. This is for the children who can continue to see their parents as a people devoted to them. They're children remember.
I double down in your case. Its only a few years. Date - Tryst when you can - even take a weekend when the kid is with Mom.
(This also saves you the horror that awaits you if you share a house with a step).
You're a big girl now you can wait a few years to spend happy decades with this guy when she's out and on her own.
Sage advise - click on my name and see the experience from which I speak.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advice and experience in the matter!!! thankfully I own my own home and have no desire to move in with him or marry him anytime soon (it's the other way around really). It's just the bad manners and lack of respect that are hard to accept--she's been getting away with this long before the divorce however, and bad habits are just hard to break.
As I mentioned, I'm praying she feels secure enough after high school and decides to attend college. She is not blessed academically and we are only hoping she finds something she's interested in pursuing...college or even tech school.
I think the fact that her father is the center of her universe plays a big role in all of this. Sadly the mother is persona non grata not to mention emotionally unavailable--she's too self absorbed to care for her own daughter--so terribly sad.
We don't spend time with the kid--by her choice, and she is of course with her mother on weekends so that gives us every weekend to attend church, take trips, or just relax.
Time will tell with her, and I will stay clear of this web as it needs to work itself out on its own.
Truly appreciate the input.